Warning: Lots of bloody murder of evil corrupted assholes (if you don't like all exorcist characters besides Allen and Lenalee forgoing their "don't kill humans" policy, you have been warned), bad language. That's about it.
Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray Man, nor any characters associated with it.
Chapter 1: Working Relations Gone Wrong
Berlin, Germany, Black Order member Kanda Yu's (exceedingly high class, because the Order pays for it all, and yes, Komui cries every time he sees the bills) Apartment
The call came late.
Or early. It came early. Actually, Kanda couldn't really decide which category that 3:00 a.m. fell under, but it hardly mattered. Because either way, whoever the hell was calling him at this miserable hour in the morning was going to die a most painful death.
Kanda didn't bother getting up, instead reaching a hand out from under his bedcovers to grope blindly for the phone. He glared at the glowing caller id, and after a moment's debate, answered it irately. "What do you want, Komui?"
On the other side of the line, Supervisor Komui Lee didn't say anything for a moment. Through the silence, Kanda could faintly make out the sounds of pages being shuffled and flipped through. Finally. "Oh, you already picked up, Kanda?" And before Kanda could send him a new barrage of death threats through the line, the supervisor laughed airily. "Sorry, usually you take five minutes to answer, so I thought I'd wait it out a little this time. But you answered so early! I guess we're out of synch with each o-"
"Get to the point before I hang up." Was the deadpan reply.
Komui sighed, and the paper shuffling noises stopped. "In a good mood, I see."
"We have another assignment. Can you get to HQ in twenty minutes?"
"This couldn't wait until morning?" Kanda muttered, already shoving the covers off him as he pushed himself off his bed. He wedged the phone between his ear and shoulder as he dug through his (undone) laundry for his uniform with one hand, the other tying his long hair in a high, if a little more disoriented than usual ponytail.
"It was a last minute thing." Komui said apologetically. "The details just came in a few minutes ago, and it's not something we can really put off."
Finally feeling the smooth fabric of his uniform, Kanda pulled it out from the mound of clothes. He ran a quick hand through the silver studded, black and white coat, to brush some of the wrinkles out, before slipping in on. "What is it this time?"
"There were reports of drugs being stored in one of the warehouses on the outskirts of south London."
Kanda was unimpressed. "Big deal. You get those tip offs all the time. Just go get one of the damn finders to take care of it."
"The warehouses are located on private property of Count Ascot. It's extremely guarded area." Komui continued, and that was enough to cause Kanda to raise an eyebrow. "Plus the estimate amount being stored is well over thirty ton. It's not something that anyone unrelated to the Count could sneak in without being caught."
Count Ascot was one of the higher officials of the Order's Western Europe branch. Strictly speaking, he was in charge of locating illegal red light related districts, but because of his rank, he did have certain access the Order's information on drug trade. Kanda clicked his tongue in annoyance as he pushed buttons through button holes on his coat. "So the higher up's involved this time."
"It's unconfirmed." Komui said quickly. "I'll give you the rest of the details once you get here."
Kanda didn't say more as he terminated the call, shoving the phone back into its holder. He strode to the corner of the room, where Mugen rested peacefully against the wall.
It was going to be a long day.
Beijing, China; Black Order East Asia HQ Branch, Black Order member Alma Karma's not so sanitary bedroom
"Alma." There was definitely a slight strain in the voice now.
Still no reply. He might've snored a little louder than before though.
"ALMA KARMA. WAKE UP ALREADY!"
And yet that voice which almost rattled the ceiling lights probably wouldn't have woken Alma up, if it hadn't be accompanied by an excruciating bucket of ice cold water. Alma yelped, eyelids flying open at the sensation of the frigid liquid being poured over his head. He blinked, brain taking its merry time registering the arms folded figure of section chief Bak Chan standing in front of him.
"Er...morning, Chief." Alma grinned lopsidedly, rubbing sleep out of his eyes to unblur his vision. He furrowed his brows a little at the light streaming feebly through the heavily curtained windows of his bedroom. "It is morning, right?"
Bak tossed a towel at his head. "Yes, Alma. Almost eight thirty, to be exact."
Still blinking blearily, Alma buried his face in the towel, roughly rubbing out the water in his hair and pajamas. "Jeez, sir. Did you really have to use your ultra super final attack just for me?" He asked, laughing as Bak bristled.
"Don't underestimate me! I, Bak sama, have much more than puny water at my avail." He gestured dramatically to himself, his infamously egotistic side almost instinctively emerging before he could help it. "And wipe that smirk off your face, Alma, before I unleash my cactus punishment on you for disrespecting your official superiors."
Alma still couldn't hold back a snicker at the strange name. "I never heard of that. What's it like?"
"It lives up to its namesake, if that's what you mean." Bak said ominously, pointing to a small decorative cactus plant that just so happened to be bathing sunlight on the windowsill. Strange. Alma didn't recall seeing it there last night. "And of course you haven't heard of it before, Alma. I, exceedingly talented and imaginative Bak Chan, designed it just for you."
Alma gulped, cowering slightly at the sight of the spikes on the green little plant. He wasn't about to disagree with the imaginative part, that was for sure. "Point taken. Sorry sir."
Reverting to his slightly more dignified self, Bak held up the folder he was carrying. "I have an assignment for you."
Tugging on his rumpled pajamas, Alma eyed the folder warily. "It's not about catching those penguins again, is it?"
"I meant a real assignment."
"That's what you said about the penguins too, sir." Alma ventured.
Bak retaliated with a whack to the head. "I see how it is, Alma Karma. I suppose I should just give this mission to someone who appreciates being sent to London on a daring mission to-"
"Wait, did you say London-"
"-to confiscate over five million dollars worth of drugs-"
"-you mean this ISN'T just some random-"
"-and to assist in the Order's eternal goal to strike down all forms of underground activity-"
"-woah, this is starting to sound like a TV drama. Y'know, like those crime series-"
"WILL YOU LET ME FINISH?" Bak half yelled/half sobbed, evidently losing his patience over the constant interruptions. He sighed deeply, closing his eyes and standing silently for a moment. The chief did that often, some sort of five second meditation move, from what Alma heard. Not that it worked that well, but Bak did it anyways. It was the thought that counts, after all. After a minute, he opened his eyes again and said steadily. "We've received intelligence that Count Ascot is possibly involved with illegal drug dealings. You'll be investigating the matter, along with-"
Alma's eyes widened, and despite previous warnings to do otherwise, cut him off once again. "You mean I actually get to go on a REAL mission?" He said excitedly, thinking back on his previous "missions", which generally involved chasing kittens and penguins. Now that he thought about it, those cats were pretty damn fast. Alma was a new recruit to the Order. He had only been around for a few months, so he supposed that receiving those kinds of lame assignments couldn't have been helped. But still! A real mission involving drugs and corruption!
Despite his initial strictness, Bak had to smile at the elated expression on Alma's face, as if Christmas had come early. Something like that. "Yes, Alma. It's a 'real mission', as you call it, even though technically all the work we've given you thus far is also real, but-"
"I LOVE YOU, CHIEF!" Alma lunged at Bak, toppling him in a messy hug.
Bak gagged at the crushing grip around his shoulders. "A-Alma...can't..." New or not, Alma was still inhumanely strong, and as much as he was well liked by the general population, nobody ever wanted to be on the receiving ends of one his...loving and completely well intentioned but still bone breaking embraces.
"Say something, chief?"
Realizing what Bak was saying, Alma immediately released him, scratching his head sheepishly as he watched Bak gasp for air. "Sorry about that, sir."
Coughing a little, Bak weakly waved it off. He pointed to the folder he had accidentally dropped, and Alma picked it up, flipping through it curiously. "Everything you need to know about the assignment is in there."
"It says I'll be working with some guy called Kanda."
Upon hearing the name, Bak paled considerably. "K-Kanda Yu?" He sputtered in utter horror. "You're working with Kanda?"
Alma looked at the supervisor curiously. "You know him?"
"Know him? I-I..." Bak shook his head helplessly. "Yes, I know him." He seized Alma roughly by the shoulders, and said with utmost gravity. "Alma, I will warn you now. There are certain things that you cannot do with Kanda Yu and expect to make it out alive."
"I don't know what the higher ups were thinking, assigning a poor novice such as yourself with Kanda, but since we're not the ones making the decisions, you can't back out of it. HOWEVER!" Bak reached into one of his lab coat pockets, producing a narrow, but long sheet of paper. "Since I am the Great Bak, I prepared just in case something like this happened. This paper," He held it out as if it were the most sacred item in the world. "Is a complete list of what not to do in Kanda Yu's presence. You'd better memorize it."
Alma stared at the list dumbly. "But...there's like...over a thousand things listened here."
"1,352." Bak said smugly. "I counted myself."
"Never say 'beanstalk' in front of him?"
"There's a story behind that."
"Don't call him anything that implies or states that he looks like a girl? But this Kanda guy...IS a guy, right?"
"Yes, he is. And you'll know what I mean once you see him."
"Don't make fun of his hair?"
"Again, you'll know when you see him." While Alma stared dumbly at the list, Bak quickly continued. "You'll be departing in half an hour. Make sure you get through everything by then."
Alma nearly cried. "HALF AN HOUR? BUT I HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN DRESSED YET!"
Too late. Bak had already run off.
"YOU'RE EVIL, SECTION CHIEF!" Alma wailed after his retreating back. "EVIL!"
"Oh Link, you're heading to London too?"
Inspector Howard Link looked up from his book (100 Ways to Write a Good Report for your Little Girl Torturing Superior). Bak Chan was standing in front of him, looking a little like he had almost been strangled by an overenthusiastic acquaintance. "Something the matter, Supervisor?"
"You don't want to do me a favor, by any chance, do you?" He said hopefully.
Link shrugged. "Depends."
"It's nothing too big." Bak assured him. "It's just, you know that new kid we got a little while ago? Alma Karma?"
Quite frankly, for anyone who stayed at the East Asian branch HQ for more than one week, it was hard not to know Alma Karma, who's (good natured and friendly) little brawls with some of the finders often led to widespread property destruction. Link would know. He was the one recording the damage payments (in fact that was the reason he was here in the first place). "What about him?"
"We're sending him on his first level three mission. But the thing is, he doesn't really know how to travel.
"You never taught him?"
"...let's just say he's not the smartest guy around. Anyway," Bak hurried on. "So I was just wondering if you'd, you know...get him in the right direction, kind of. Make sure he ends up in Berlin, and not some random place in Russia. Like Lavi Bookman did last month with the warp gate."
Ah yes, Bookman, who, for all his legendary smarts, obviously had little talent in functioning transportation systems. He had been stranded somewhere in Siberia at one point in time; took days to get him out of that one, on account of him losing his Order ID and being arrested by local police for carrying bunch of hammers around.
Contemplating for a moment, Link nodded, identifying little harm in the request. "I understand. I'll see to it."
"Thanks. I owe you."
"You already do." Was the flat answer. "$2.15, in fact."
Bak was bewildered. "And when was that?"
"Last year. For coffee at the vending machine."
"But I don't drink coffee from vending machines." Bak said lamely, shuddering at the thought of the evil, plastic tasting excuse for preserved coffee.
"It must've been for Supervisor Komui Lee then." Was the automated response. "He was here at the time, for the biannual debriefing meetings. He also somehow turned you into his servant throughout the entire duration of his one week stay, which was why you turned in your report a full fifty five minutes past the deadline."
"You didn't have to remember the last part, did you?" The supervisor muttered darkly, nevertheless fumbling for his wallet. "Inspector Leverrier really did a good job drilling his memory patterns into you."
Link scoffed, and didn't answer.
Or rather, he didn't get a chance to answer.
A loud crash caused both men to turn, and seconds later Alma came running to them, both hair and uniform disheveled and covered with dust, which was obviously from some poor wall he had crashed through, since apparently to him doors were for the weak. He skidded to a halt in front of them, panting slightly. Bak noticed that he was still clutching the list. "It's impossible, section chief!" He wailed, waving the paper around. "I can't memorize all this! I'm only on number ten!"
Bak frowned. "That would be a problem." He mused, and dismissed it with a wave of his hand. "No matter. Since I'm utterly brilliant, I have a plan B. It doesn't require any memorizing."
Alma brightened. "Really? What is it?"
"Don't talk to him at all."
Link looked at Bak incredulously, whether at the stupidity of the suggestion or the stupidity of the suggester, nobody knows. Though maybe both would be justified in this case. "And you really think Alma Karma could pull that off?"
Silence. Bak wilted weakly. "Good point. Never mind, Alma. Go memorize."
Alma glared at Link, who merely rolled his eyes and continued reading. "Evil inspector."
Bak had the nerve to pat him comfortingly on the shoulder. "You'll thank him once you see Kanda Yu reach into someone's throat and turn him inside out." He promised cheerily. "He likes doing that. It's almost like a second nature for him." And Alma flinched.
Meanwhile, in Black Order Western Europe Branch HQ, Supervisor Komui Lee's office
"You have got to be shitting me." Kanda hissed, and yes, he was swearing so much, even Komui was slightly shocked. He turned on the supervisor, absolute murder written on his face, and Komui squeaked, backing away. "I am seriously going to fucking shove an arm down your skinny throat and turn you inside out."
See? He did have that tendency as a 2nd nature. Not very healthy.
"Um, well...it was supervisor Bak who requested it. Originally, the East Asian branch was going to take care of it alone, since they have the most available manpower at the moment. But Bak decided to send in a new recruit to do the job, and he wanted someone with more experience to help him through a little, and you were the only one close enough to be called in at last minute-"
Komui flailed as Kanda reached over the desk and grabbed him by the collar, fully prepared to rip the bastard a new one. "So you wake me up at three in the morning just to stick me with some inexperienced ball of crap and ship me off to London?"
"K-Komurin! Kanda's gone mad! Save meeeee!" Komui floundered haplessly as Kanda prepared to introduce the supervisor's face to his fist.
Automatically, Kanda felt a steel grip latch onto the back collar of his shirt, unceremoniously dragging him off of Komui. "What the hell-" He turned, and found himself face to face with a robot Komui look alike, identical down to the evil grin and creepy glint of glasses. "You're joking." He knew that the bespectacled asshole was a bit of a narcissist, but this was just pathetic.
Quickly picking himself up, Komui cleared his throat, looking particularly smug as he brushed dust off his coat. "As I was saying, before I was rudely interrupted by a certain (in need of anger management) someone-"
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"
"-you are partnered with Alma Karma of the East Asian branch. Sent to London to investigate the possible involvement of Count Ascot in illegal drug dealings, blah, blah, blah. What else..." Komui gave the papers on disinterested scan, and gave Kanda the thumbs up. "That's pretty much it."
Kanda paused in his swearing just long enough to flip him off.
"You'll meet Alma Karma at London airport, since our warp functions broke down-"
"I'm not taking a damn plane-"
"Don't worry, we gave you first class-"
"It's slow as hell frozen over-"
"Well you can go complain to Allen Walker about that, since he's the one who accidentally caused the malfunction-"
"AGAIN with that damn beanstalk. Why the hell is the pipsqueak still around-"
"-he sent poor Lavi all the way to Russia too-"
"So HE was the one who did that. And that was a month ago. You still haven't fixed the damn piece of trash-?"
"AND MOVING ON WITH LIFE!" Komui sang jovially. He pressed a couple buttons on his keyboard, and suddenly a large trap under Kanda's feet opened up.
Komurin released its grip on Kanda's collar. Kanda dropped.
"YOU ARE A DEAD MAN WALKING, YOU BASTARD!" Echoed the hole while Komui contently sipped from a mug of lukewarm coffee.
XXX hours later, at London Airport
Alma staggered onto the firm, solid, completely unmoving ground of the airport, more than willing to collapse and faint right then and there.
He was never going to step on an airplane ever again. EVER.
"That'll prove to be inconvenient." Link supplied dryly, raising an eyebrow at the wobbly youth, whose faint shade of green wasn't looking too natural on his face. "Since you'll need to ride another one to return to China."
Whimpering at the prospect, Alma gave the inspector a pitiful glance. "Are you sure they won't let me transfer to the London Branch?" He begged.
"The Order doesn't HAVE a branch stationed in London."
"They wouldn't make one just for me?" Alma piped up hopefully, and backed away at the flat glare Link shot him. He grinned, despite his airsickness. "I'm just joking. No need to be so scary. People'll think you're a serial killer if you keep that expression up."
Link sputtered indignantly. "Serial killer?"
"Well you looked like you were going to kill me."
"I gave you no such look." He snapped, and might've continued his rant of verbal self defense if he hadn't spotted something behind Alma. Alma turned, to find the planes' destination times listed on a large electronic board. "It appears that Kanda Yu's plane has just docked in. Gate 15A." Link began walking, gesturing for Alma to follow him. "This way."
Swallowing the sickly substance slowly making its way up its throat (his already digested lunch, it seemed; airplane food was the worst thing ever invented by mankind), Alma trudged after the briskly walking inspector. "Hey, Link. You know this Kanda guy?"
"We met briefly a few years ago."
"Wow. You can recognize him?"
Link let out a dry sigh. "He's not someone that you'd forget easily, even with someone of your limited mental capacity."
Alma furrowed his eyebrows puzzledly, brain dimly registering the words. "Somehow, I feel like you just insulted me."
"You're supposed to, because I just did."
They arrived at gate 15A just as the passengers began filing out. Alma peered through the slow trickle of people coming out the gate, searching for someone in the Order uniform. Link kept checking his watch, clearly annoyed that he had to keep an eye on the hyperactive idiot. Where was the airsickness when he needed it?
Kanda came out somewhere in the middle of the crowd. Alma didn't need to see the Order uniform to realize who he was.
Link and Bak were right. Kanda Yu did have a striking appearance. A strikingly...feminine appearance. Mid-average height, long black hair, androgynous facial features. Very good looking, Alma had to admit. Probably would've been better if he wasn't scowling like someone had just killed his pet dog. That plus the rigidity he carried himself with made him seem like he was from the army. Yes, he seemed like someone fully capable of ripping someone's internal organs out and feeding them to the man eating flowers he kept in his garden.
He spotted them quickly, his scowl deepening (as if that were even possible!). Nevertheless, he walked over, reaching them in record time and stopping abruptly in front of them with arms folded crossly and pissed off expression firmly in place.
Sensing the tension, Link nodded to the new arrival. "It's good to see you again, Kanda."
For a few seconds, Kanda didn't speak. Alma half expected him to pull out a sword and run the inspector through with it. He really looked like he wanted to skewer someone to keep as a midnight snack. Finally, after a terse moment, he grunted an irritated "Link."
"You almost forgot my name, didn't you?" The inspector offered wryly.
Link rolled his eyes, shaking his head. "As amiable as ever, I see." He motioned to Alma, who smiled happily at the disgruntled man. "This is your partner for this assignment, Alma Karma."
Alma opened his mouth excitedly to introduce himself. He stopped.
Kanda and Link both stared at him expectedly.
Alma blinked a couple times, confused, then alarmed. He coughed a few times, and that was when Link realized what was wrong, but by then it was too late.
Two seconds later, Alma threw up all over Kanda's shoes.
A/N: Because vomiting over people's shoes is a sure sign of affection and love. Kanda's totally going to fall in love with Alma now. The world's situation and the Order's alternate function in the world will be explained in the next chapter (if I'm motivated enough to continue it).
Thisis seriously the most random idea I have ever had. This story is set in a completely different universe; from both Man AND the real world. What I mean is, the government systems are different, the laws of physics only apply when I want it to apply, etc. The countries are the same. I'd say it's in a sort of modern/futuristic kind of world, with lots of fancy technology stuff, because technology makes the world go round!
There's going to be other pairings as well, besides KandaXAlma. I'm going to try and include as many characters as humanly possible, since Man is one of the few mangas where I like a vast majority of the characters. Some are het, most are not.
Some people don't like Alma, because he turns unreasonably bitchy later. I LIKE HIM! HE'S PSYCHOTICALLY HAPPY! (Gets shot as usual) Reviews are appreciated! (gets shot again)