By: Karen B.
Summary: I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to write it. I'm not going to think about it. I'm not going to read about it. I'm not going to watch it for the thousand and fifth time. I'm not going to…oh, for the love…Season five warning. Episode related: Swan Song. Yet another obsessed reuniting story.
Disclaimer: Sssssssssssoooooooooooooo… not the owner.
Rated: It will never happen / angst / fluff. Dean pov.
God help me, but I couldn't keep my promise. From sunrise to sunset - I just couldn't. There was something more out here. What? I had no clue, so I just drove. From state to state. Aimless and alone.
But today felt different.
My heart was racing as fast as my car and I was driving on autopilot. What was I out here searching for? Everything I had was gone. All I was doing was adding miles onto Baby. She wasn't getting any younger. I loved my car, but not as much as…I cringed.
'Keep his memory alive in your heart', Cas had said. 'Sam would want you to hold tight to that apple pie life', Bobby voiced his unsolicited opinion. How was I supposed to do any of that? Sam was haunting me, even though I was certain he didn't know he was. I saw him everywhere, but he was just a vaporous figment. We'd never share another beer, a prank, a knowing smile, a punch to the face - I didn't even get to say goodbye.
I had always been there for him. From day one. There to catch him when he was two and almost fell down the steps. There to catch him when he slid like a wild-child down a slide. There to catch him in every way a mother, or father would. The way a brother would. Sam wasn't a boy anymore. He was a man, but I still wanted to catch him. Sam didn't want that. I had to let him go. Had to let him make his own choice. So he fell, into that pit, into that hole of despair. And I sat and watched him. And now he was gone. Sam was just gone.
Adam had fallen, too. I didn't know the kid, didn't even know I had a half-brother, but still, he was blood. I felt guilty as shit I didn't morn Adam the way I was morning Sam. Even the pain of losing dad didn't touch the inconsolable pain Sam had left behind. There was a huge empty spot deep inside of me, the weight of which bore down like the cosmos itself sat on my shoulders. Yet, I couldn't shake the feeling there was something more. Something that kept eluding me - maybe it was my sanity.
Every once in awhile, I'd see things. Out-of-the-corner-of-my-eye sort of things. Now you see him, now you don't, ghost-like sort of things. So many times I swore I could sense someone beside me. Feel a hand to my shoulder, or a sudden rush of cold - but no one was there. I wasn't scared or threatened by the ghostly sensation, it wasn't evil - it was standing guard - it was Sam. Maybe it was my childish imagination hoping against all hope, or more so, I truly had lost my mind.
I recalled one morning while shaving in Lisa's bathroom I'd seen him. Just standing there with that dorky smile, leaning against the doorframe, staring. Lots of times I saw him in the car, or in the organic section of the Piggly Wiggly Lisa shopped at. Once, I even saw him under a light post. I swore I wasn't hallucinating. I swore it was Sam. Each and every time. Ghost or angel? I didn't know. But every time I would turn to look directly at him - he was gone.
My grief was undreamt of - and overpowering everything else in my mind. I never mentioned any of that to Lisa. I just told her how broken I was. How I was torn into a thousand, million pieces and scattered a billion, trillion different ways. How it wasn't fair of me to put that on her and Ben. How I just couldn't do it. Work nine-to-five, mow the lawn, trim the hedges, paint the fence. My life was becoming nothing more than a ritual. I drank my morning coffee, but didn't taste anything. I looked at the paper, but never read the words, and I went to work - every day going by in mind-deadening slowness.
I was a take action sort of guy. I couldn't be what Sam wanted me to be. Hell, I couldn't be what I wanted me to be. I tried - and I just couldn't. So I left Ben and Lisa - far behind.
I didn't know where I was going -just was driving. Driving in silence. A silence that had been killing me for over six months now. From town to town, I wandered. A rambling man who'd die before he ever settled down. So, here I was on some forgotten, unnamed mountain road overlooking the sea - no guardrails to stop me from going over the edge.
There wasn't much traffic as I sped at high speeds around twists and turns, but I really wasn't seeing those. All I was seeing was Sam - around every bend.
I stared out the windshield at the road in an almost trance-like state. I looked out the driver side window out over the ledge, and didn't even wince when I pictured myself deliberately aiming my car toward the cliff. I could go out fast and furious. The only thing between me and getting out of this hell and into Sam's - was a few feet of road. As a suicide, I was certain to go down under.
Suddenly, that unseen hand of protection was there. Sam's ghost was angry at what I was contemplating. That theory was confirmed when I felt my rear wheel bumping along the ground.
"Shit!" I banged a fist to the steering wheel.
Flat tires were normally just a nuisance, but today the coincidence was as flat as day old beer. The tire disintegrated quickly and I lost speed, lost my chance to go where the sun never shined. Auto shop 101 - try speeding your car over a cliff with a tire at zero inflation pressure. Not going to happen. I wasn't happy listening to the tire flap wildly in the wheel well as I slowly pulled over to the shoulder of the road. I got out of my car and could hear the "ssssssss" coming from the rear right tire. Crouching down for a closer inspection, I found what had caused the damage and pulled a nail from the ripped lining.
"Son of a bitch."
I tossed the nail aside, and stood to get my keys from the ignition, pop open the trunk, repair the flat and get back to business. That was all I had on my mind at the moment.
Peering into my trunk and rummaging around, I realized I was missing one very important 'how to' ingredient - the jack.
"What kind of shit do you think you're pulling!" I was pissed. "You think this is funny!" I kicked the car door, not knowing who the hell I was ranting at and ten times more pissed-off for leaving a dent in my baby - redundant as that was. "Why can't you just leave me alone!" I threw my tantrum, pulling my hair and stomping about in a small circle. "Cut me a break!" I looked around. What was I going to do now? My body trembled, my fists clenched, and I bit my lip hard. I swallowed, trying to find my nerve. Gravity could still have its way with me - all I had to do was get a running start and hurtle myself over the edge. Breathless, I turned toward the horizon and watched as twilight burst into dawn, the sun painting the sky blood red. I felt so cold and shivered hard as I leaned against my disabled car
Then I saw him, standing on the edge of the cliff and I felt the color drain from my face at the same time electricity seemed to jolt through me. I shook my head. Couldn't be. I had to press myself up against the hot metal of the car further to keep from falling to my knees. This was no vapors ghost, no disembodied voice in my head, no out-of-the-corner-of-my- eye, figment, but really him. How'd I know it was him? Because Sam was/is my entire life, and I am not crazy - least I didn't think I was crazy.
"Sam?" I pushed away from the car and unsteadily stepped over toward the edge of the cliff where he stood looking down.
My senses were on high alert. I could hear the calming flow of water against the sand far below. I took another step and another. I could almost taste the salt and I swore I could smell the molten lava that bubbled in hell. He turned to face me. Standing stiff and tall, the wind blowing through his hair and taking the tears that had welled up in his eyes with it. I froze. All I could do was stare. Sam stared back, looking as sad as a boy about to shoot his rabid dog.
"Oh, God." I held my breath, time and space hung between us, keeping me from taking another step toward that cliff. "But…"
"It's okay," Sam said, firmly.
"But…" My hands started shaking uncontrollably.
"But…" I swallowed my heart back down into my chest.
"Dean." I could hear the twinge of sorrow in his voice. "You didn't keep your promise."
"But…" I shook my head. "I couldn't," I exhaled, taking one-step toward Sam, mesmerized, looking him up and down. "It's you. How are you here?"
"I…I don't know much." Sam's turn to take a step toward me. "All I know is you were going to kill yourself." Sam hitched a thumb over his shoulder, indicating the cliff behind him. "And that you need the same damn thing I do…" He lifted a shoulder, shrugging. "Each other," he answered my unspoken question.
I nodded. "Wasn't killing myself, dude, got a flat tire," I muttered, taking another step in his direction.
"That's crap, Dean." Sam shuffled closer. "Won't find me, you know… down there." He pointed downward and I knew he wasn't talking about the sandy beach far below us.
Sam approached me in sloth-like movements.
"Tell me I'm not crazy," I whispered, inching nearer.
"You're a little crazy," Sam whispered back, hesitating to take the last step.
And that's when I truly knew. Before Sam could take that last step - I did - putting an arm around his neck and yanking him close.
"Sammy," I declared, hugging so tight I just about cracked him in half. He didn't struggle or try to pull away, just hugged me as bone-crushingly tight as I was hugging him - his body shaking along with mine.
Our legs gave out at the same time and we hit the gravel with our knees; never releasing our hold of one another. I closed my eyes, feeling Sam breathing hard and fast against my neck.
It made no sense. But what in our lives ever did. Call it what you will - Kismet, serendipity, fate, destiny, chance, fortune, holy intervention, the undying, never-ending love of family. Christ, call it bullshit, I don't care. The how's and why's didn't matter. I didn't want to understand. I didn't need to understand, and I swore I'd never ask another question. Ignorance was bliss, and Sam was never going to fall again.