Chapter 17: Honeybee
You didn't have to look my way, your eyes still haunt me to this day, but you did. You didn't have to say my name. But you did… yes, you did.
"But what about the rest of it?"
"The rest? What else was there?" What else indeed… hm. My brow furrows, trying to remember. The details are fuzzy, but there was definitely something else. /Sigh. I seem to be able to remember a time when I didn't try this hard… at anything. … Try… effort…
I felt the words, nudging me in the right direction, waiting patiently, existing softly with no physical obligation to the reality I studied so meticulously with my tired eyes. Being, free from existing, and I feel inclined to listen. It's the least I can do, I suppose, so I do; I try to think back when I first engaged the foreign thoughts that formed mingling with my own. What else… was I supposed to do?
Silver hair and blood.
You didn't have to smile at me, your grin's the sweetest that I've ever seen, but you did.
When you look at someone… they are separate from you. Standing in a crowd, you know you are alone. You do not connect with faces. They are simply faces, with eyes and ears just like yours. When you are walking down the sidewalk, those faces are everywhere and when you look at them, you generally don't think that they are as deep and multifaceted as you. When you meet eyes with someone walking towards you, you don't see a lifetime that shaped a beautiful person with a story for every scar, you don't see thoughtful ideals and potential or success- you see two eyes, a nose, ears, mouth, just like yours. You see people, not a person. They're everywhere, extras in your movie. You don't connect with people. You acknowledge that people have stories and emotions of their own, but you don't think about when that person walking down the sidewalk walks past you out of sight. They weren't anything, just a face. Like everyone else. You walk down the street to the store with your shield up because you assume that faces don't connect. In a crowded room you are alone.
You didn't have to offer your hand, 'cause since I've kissed it I am at your command. But you did…
And then you meet someone. For some reason fate made you two meet; put you in a situation where you had to converse past the casual formalities, the language of faces, because otherwise you never would have connected. But you are, you are in a situation that makes you put that wall down and acknowledge the presence of a human being, with a soul, and once you see that, you have already connected.
Oh, Turpentine erase me whole, 'cause I don't want to live my life alone. Well, I was waiting for you all my life…
Whatever your feelings are towards that person, by acknowledging the existence of a person who is just as tortured as you, just as real as you are, automatically there is something that connects their soul to yours. Maybe it's a red string. Maybe it's something more vague. Whatever it is, that person is separated from being just a face. In a crowded room, you are still alone. I'm starting to think that's only because you choose to be. And knowing that, I still choose to be.
Set me free. My honeybee.
Silver locks that rest on an aching neck, amethyst eyes and blood that tastes like copper- just like mine. A man that has a past, a family, friends, people have connected with him. He is just as tortured and real as me. But you don't think about that, you have your wall up because you assume everyone is just a face. He was a face that killed, it didn't matter why or what led up to it, he was still a face, the villain in your black-and-white cartoon movie. You don't connect with bad guys. But he has a soul too. So when fate puts you in a situation where you have to acknowledge each other past the language of faces, makes you have to actually give a damn, are they still the villain? And if not, who is?
His name. Unforgiven. Hated. Painful. Because he's a face- the bad guy, he's evil. Why? He just is. Any one of these faces could be evil. In a crowded room, you are alone. He's a killer, he did something awful to you, personally, and that automatically makes him a monster, not a person with a soul. From your perspective. Whatever happened to morals- you've never been one for morals.
I acknowledge him. There is more to his story. He is not the cloaked villain with a stringy moustache here to steal your princess, laughing maniacally because the script tells him to. He is a person who has become what he is over the years and has purpose behind his actions. And I see that. I see that he is just as real as me. So we are connected, regardless of my personal opinion of his character. There's some sort of string or whatever that keeps our lives tied to each other for whatever reason. Probably because we choose to be. Knowing that, I'd still choose to be. Isn't that it?
"Good. What else?"
Hello, goodbye, 'twas nice to know you, how I find myself without you, that I'll never know. I let myself go.
Isn't that what I wanted in the first place? To see if he really was human? I mean, of course he was. I knew that from the beginning. So why did I need to go so far to verify that? Because I couldn't handle the thought of anyone being so evil, so disgusting, I couldn't handle the fact that anyone could make me so angry. Couldn't handle my own hatred. So I put myself in a situation that would make us connect. And we did. So…
"Is that all?"
… No. He's still a threat. Still a danger to society. I don't know if I can even trust anything he has said to me. It could all be bullshit until he's strong enough again, and then he will be the same evil he was before. … I don't think that's true, but it's still a possibility, I suppose. And… heh, of course. He has to start killing again, or he'll lose his immortality. I can't let him do that, obviously…
"Try a little harder. Do you remember, Shikamaru?"
Remember..? Remember what? Remember that I had a life before all this bullshit? Responsibilities, friends? Yeah, I remember. He's fucking killing me.
Hello, goodbye, I'm rather crazy and I never thought I was crazy, but what do I know? I let myself go.
"…Who are you?"
Oh, Turpentine erase me whole, 'cause I don't want to live my life alone.
Set me free