Molasses Kombat

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I just enjoy using them to make jokes and have fun for me and you. Hope you like it.

Note: This is done in script form with the idea that we are viewing all of this from behind a camera. [] means action sequences not focusing specifically on one character, or it means my thoughts.

[Enter into the kitchen of the Temple of the Order of Light. The "kitchen" is actually nothing of the sort, but for a few pots, pans, and bowls. The sink is a trough filled with cold water, and the oven is a few rotating sticks over an open fire. Well, maybe I should be a little fair, because you usually don't roast cookies over an open fire.]

Rayden: Cookies roasting on an open fire... Subbie nipping at your nose...

[Smacks Rayden with a script]

Rayden: Ow.

[Back to description. Ok, to make this story easier to write, instead of having to find a primordial way of making cookies without an oven, I hearby import a nice, 2002 Whirlpool toaster oven.]

Liu: Wait, I though whirlpool did, like, refrigerators and washers and stuff.


Liu: Am I right?

[Moving on, there are two tables in the center of the room. One is a waist high table, where one of our heroes is busy setting out the ingredients. As we pan across the table, we see shortening, sugar, eggs, vanilla extract, a bag of all purpose flour, salt, Rayden's hands making a church with little people inside, baking powder, baking soda, ginger, cloves, cinnamon, and last but not least, the jar of molasses. As we move off the table, we pan across the room to the other table. It is small, about as high as the knee, and two men are sitting at it in deep concentration. One wears a black jumpsuit with a yellow mantle, the other dressed the same but in a blue mantle. Looking closely at the table, we see them deeply engrossed in a game of cards.]

Sub-Zero: Do you...{squints evilly, looks from side to side as if afraid he is being watched} have any 3's?

Scorpion: Go fish.

Subbie: DAMN! {grumbles loudly as he picks from the pile}

[Leaving the two ninja's in peace, we move away from the small table and back to the center of the room, where Liu and Rayden are washing their hands as they prepare to make Ginger Cookies.]

Liu: Did you preheat the oven?

Rayden: Uh... I pressed the `on' button...

Liu: {shrugs} Good enough. Ok. {towels off his hands and moves to the high table. Stares long and hard at the ingredients before reaching behind him. When his hand returns to view, it has a long red strip of cloth dangling from his fingers. With quick movements, Liu wraps the cloth around his head in his trademark red bandana. Then he bows, and begins performing a kata with a lot of kicks, punches, jabs, blocks, and screaming.}

Rayden: {meanwhile, Rayden is busy humming to himself as he ties on his apron, (Kiss the Cook) and looks for the recipe book.} Now where did that thing go?

Liu: Eeeeyah-uh! {Stops in a defensive stand, moves his feet together, and bows again.}

Rayden: If you're finished embarrassing the hell out me, will you please help me find the cookbook?

30 minutes and a complete kitchen rearrangement later...

Liu: Ok, get the shortening.

Rayden: {Blank stare} But... but I like being tall.

Liu: No! {Puts his hands on his face and groans} No, shortening is the butter. We take the butter, and add it to the sugar, and we stir.

Rayden: Oh. Well, why didn't you just say butter to begin with?

Liu: {Groans again} Just get the butter.

[Together, they carefully mix the cup of butter with the cup of sugar.]

Rayden: Ok, next?

Liu: {checks the book} Uh... next we add in molasses, eggs, and vanilla.

Rayden: Ok. {Reaches for the carton of eggs, pulls out one, and begins cracking it against the wooden bowl. After two taps, the egg breaks open and a little chick falls out.}

Chick: Ouch! Hey, you moron, I was sleeping in there!

[Camera zooms in on little chick, and finds it not to be a baby chicken, but a very small woman in a mini-skirt and leather jacket, wearing red lipstick and a pretty hairclip to accent her very tiny blond curls.]

Rayden: {Stares} What the hell do you feed those chickens?

Liu: {Speechless}

Rayden: All right, well, she is a human, so we can't cook her. {Instead, Rayden places his pointer finger on his thumb, and flicks her across the room.}

Chick: {Screams that gradually fade as she flies out the window}

Rayden: Let's try this again. {Picks up another egg, with a little apprehension, and puts it to his ear. Listens. Shrugs. Puts it against the bowl and taps it. It cracks, breaks open, and a yellow yoke slips into the mix.} Next?

Liu: Ok. {Takes a little bottle of vanilla extract and adds in one teaspoon.}

Rayden: All right. Now for the molasses. {Reaches for the jar, pops the top, and begins pouring it into the cup measuring cup... cup thingy.}

[Watching as they slowly pour the thick, brown, sap-like liquid into the cup. Both are holding their breaths in silent apprehension, knowing the dangers of coming in contact with the stick substance. Suddenly, a scream is heard from across the room, and both men look up to see Sub-Zero pulling cards from Scorpion's glove.]

Subbie: You cheated! You motherf- {Fight ensues}

[Distracted by the ruckus, neither man notices the molasses overflowing from the cup, making it seep onto Rayden's hands.]

Rayden: NO! {Begins screaming maniacally.} GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF ME! AHHHH!

[Both men become a panic. Liu drops the jar on the stone floor, making it shatter, and suddenly molasses is all over the floor. Rayden is jumping up and down, screaming like a five year old, trying to shake off the sticky residue. Hands flailing in the air, he accidentally comes in contact with Liu's face. Rayden tries to pull away, and drags Liu's head with him.]

Liu: Ow! Rayden! Ack! Stop!

Rayden: {Steps forward and tries to pull his hand away. Finally, after much grunting and screaming (Boy, does THAT sound wrong), Liu's face comes free. However, Rayden finds himself stuck to the floor where the jar shattered. He tries to lift his knees, but he is stuck like glue. He screams again, swinging himself around to get free, and his elbow knocks Liu face first on the table. Unfortunately for Liu, he lands on the side where his face is still oozing with molasses.}

[By this time, Sub-Zero and Scorpion have noticed the situation taking place in the center of the kitchen, and have stopped fighting to watch the entertainment.]

Scorpion: Hey, pass the popcorn.

Rayden: {Somehow, Rayden has managed to free himself from the pool of molasses on the floor, and with lightning in his eyes, is now stalking toward the sink to clean himself. Around his legs lay thin strips of what was once his robe before being torn from the super sticky cooking ingredient.} This is the last time I make ginger cookies.

Liu: Mummble mumble.

[Translation: I'm never baking again, period.]

Liu: {Carefully, inch by agonizing inch, Liu moves his way to the sink, dragging the table in tow and knocking a few of the ingredients off.}

[Off to the side, Scorpion and Subbie are ROFL at the sight of Liu hunched over, his face stuck to the table, trying to walk to the sink. There is a bright flash, and a moment later, the ninja's are zapped into walking night lights.]

Two hours later...

[Our two cooks are now washed up and resuming their dutiful task of making ginger cookies. After grabbing a flamethrower and torching the rest of the molasses stuck to their floor and clothes, they grab the bowl of mix and check the recipe for the next instruction.]

Rayden: Ok, what were we supposed to do?

Liu: Beat in the molasses, egg, and vanilla.

Rayden: Ah. Ok. {Pulls out a baseball bat from behind him and brandishes it over the quivering bowl.} This is for ruining my best dres- er, robe!

Liu: {Sweat drop forms.} ACK! {Stops Rayden before he beats the mix... literally.} Wait, wait! Not that way. {Pulls a battery operated egg beater from behind him.} Here, use this.

Rayden: Oh. {Shrugs} Ok. {Raises his arm and begins hitting the mix with the beater like a hatchet.}

Liu: {Falls over backwards with a loud a sob.}

Rayden: {Panting and sweating lightly.} Ok. What's next?

Liu: {Desolate, from the floor.} Blend in the dry ingredients. {Picks himself up off the floor and begins handing Rayden the ingredients as he reads them off.}

Rayden: 2 cup of sifted all-purpose floor.

Liu: Done.

Rayden: teaspoon salt.

Liu: Done.

Rayden: teaspoon baking powder.

Liu: Done.

Rayden: teaspoon baking soda.

Liu: Done.

Rayden: 1 teaspoon ginger.

Liu: Done.

Rayden: 1 teaspoon cloves.

Liu: Done.

Rayden: 1 teaspoon cinnamon.

Liu: Done.

Rayden: 1 can of whip cream.

Liu: Done.

Rayden: 1 can of cottage cheese.

Liu: Done.

Rayden: pound of liver.

Liu: Done. What?

Rayden: 3 shrunken heads.

Liu: Uh-

Rayden: cup of lamb chop.

Lamb Chop: Baaa.

Liu: Rayden-

Rayden: 1 leg of scorpion.

Scorpion: Hey, put me down!

Liu: {Smacks Rayden with cookbook.} Quit it!

Rayden: {Rubs head} Sorry, I was just having some fun.

Liu: Work now, fun later. Ok, what's next? All right, we chill the dough for at least three hours.

Rayden: Really. And how do you plan on doing that?

Liu: {Blinks} Well, we put it in the fridge, of course.

Rayden: {Blinks back.} What fridge?

[Both stare at each other, smile suddenly, and turn toward the two ninjas, who are absorbed in a new card game called Spit.}

Together: Oh, Subiiiiieeee.

Sub-Zero: Not now! Ok, 1, 2, 3, SPIT!

Liu and Rayden: {As one, hack and spit on Sub-Zero.}

Subbie: {Stares pointedly ahead of him.} That was not funny.

Liu: We need you to freeze this over for us, and then you can go back to your game.

Scorpion: He'll do it only if you play with us. Play a game of our choice.

Subbie: Uh, yeah, what he said.

Rayden: {Sighs heavily} What game?

[Subbie and Scorpion discuss amongst themselves, and when they come to a decision, they turn back smiling... though you can't see it because of their mouth pieces.]

Subbie: Gimme the bowl. {At his touch, the bowl freezes over, and he sets it against the wall.} All right. We challenge you to a game of Egyptian Ratscrew!

1 hour later...

Rayden: Wait a minute! That was a king and jack! That's not a marriage!

Subbie: No, it's a gay marriage.

Liu: When did we start playing gay marriage?!

Scorpion: The same time you started playing incest between the queen and jack!

[All argue over who gets the pile. Finally come to an agreement, and decide that whoever slaps the next pile gets the whole pile. Round and round the group goes, until Scorpion throws down an ace, Rayden throws a queen, and Subbie throws down two sixes. There's a loud SLAP of hands as they all go for the deck, followed by a lot of grunting and pushing and arguing, with one voice standing out above the rest as Rayden takes the pile... and then takes a couple of rightys and leftys as the others gang up on him.]

2 hours later...

Subbie: Avocado, bungalow, Castro, dildo, echo, mo-fo, go, ho, intro...

Scorpion: Five seconds...

Subbie: J... J-Lo!

Scorpion: {Laughs with the others.} Have another drink, buddy. Ok, Liu, your turn.

Liu: {Takes a swing from his moonshine and sits dazed against the wall.} Ok. Avocado, bungalow, Castro, dildo, echo, mo-fo, go, ho, intro, J-Lo...

Rayden: Come on Liu!

Liu: {Frowns, jerks up, and smiles.} Kitana! {Leans back against the wall in hysterics}

Rayden, Subbie, Scorpion: Hey, Liu. Yoooooou SUCK!

[Everyone enjoys a hearty laugh and another swing from the bottle.]

Subbie: Say, Champion of All, how is that beautiful bride of yours?

Liu: {Frowns} Well... she's been pretty busy...

Scorpion: How come she ain't out here helping you cook?

Liu: Well... like I said... she's been pretty busy and, uh, is busy working out right now.

[A loud scream of fear, followed by lots of swearing, gunshots, and screams of pain and death flow into the room.]


Rayden: {Arches eyebrow} Working out, eh?

Liu: Actually... no. Um... Johnny sent her a present for the wedding... a, um, Playstation 2. And, he wanted to make her more familiar with American culture...

Subbie: So...

Liu: He sent her the game `Return to Castle Wolfenstein'... and she hasn't gotten away from that damn controller since our honeymoon.


Liu: {Groans and downs the rest of his liquor.}

3 hours later...

Liu: Ok. Well, now that the three hours have passed, let's take this dough and make some cookies. {Picks up bowl, dusts off the frost, and sets it down on the table.}

Rayden: {Skipping around the table.} Ooooh, I wanna make shapes! Let's make shapes! Where are the cookie cutters?

Liu: {Reading from book} Roll to 1/8 - 1/4 inch thickness on a lightly floured pastry canvas. Hmph. Easy enough. {Lays down a good sized cutting board and sprinkles flour on it.}

Rayden: {Meanwhile is busy checking for the cookie cutters, and becoming more frustrated by the minute.}

Liu: All right. Now, take the dough, and flatten it out with a roller. {Looks around for a roller.} What should I use?

Rayden: Finally! {A shout of joy followed by a loud crash echos in the room. Rayden has found the cutters up on the top shelf of the cabinet, and when he stepped down, everything decided ti step down with him. Slowly, he gets to his feet as pushes everything off him, including the entire Encyclopedia Britannica, Medusa's head, a three hundred year old tree branch, the dirt bike, the motorboat, the snow mobile, Excalibur, the Holy Grail, Indiana Jones, Madonna, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and a lunar excursion module.} Good Lord, I though you monks were simple people! {Realizes there's an article of clothing on his head, and peels off Pamela Anderson's autographed thong. Shudders involuntarily.}

Liu: Hey, over there. Have you seen the rolling pin?

Rayden: {Shakes his head.} I didn't see anything like that in there, but I found something else that might help. {Takes a deep breath and dives in. Three minutes later, he pulls himself out, gasping and panting, with Buttercup on his shoulder.}

Liu: {Eyebrow raised} Buttercup?

Rayden: {Quickly shoos her out the door.} Liu, my child, you wouldn't believe the stuff hiding in there!

Liu: No ROUS's?

Rayden: No, Wesley took care of them. {From behind his back, pulls out a blue and green bowling ball.}

Liu: Hey, where'd that come from?

Rayden: {Evil grin} I stole it from the author.

Liu: Well, it ain't no rolling pin, but it should do.

[Together they flatten the dough and begin to make shapes. As the minutes tick by, Rayden becomes oddly quiet, with a contemplative look on his face.}

Liu: Rayden? What are you thinking about?

Rayden: You know, Liu, let me give you some advice. Don't waste your pucker on some all day sucker. And don't try a toffee or cream.

Liu: {Blinks}

Rayden: If you seek perfection in sugar confection, well there's something new on the scene. A mouthful of cheer, a sweet without peer... {Suddenly break into song} A musical morsel supreme! {Holds up a thin piece of candy} Toot sweets, toot sweets. The candies you whistle, the whistles you eat. Toot sweets, toot sweets, the eatable tweetable treat. {Puts the candy in his mouth, blows, and makes a lovely C-sharp whistle sound as he moves around behind Liu to get the sprinkles.}

Liu: Toot sweets, toot sweets. The toot of a flute with the flavor of fruit. Toot sweets, toot sweets. No longer need candy be mute!

Rayden: {Jumps up on the table and swings his arm in a grand gesture.} Don't waste your pucker on some all day sucker.

Liu: {Jumps on table and kneels in front of Rayden, with his arms spread wide.} And don't try a toffee or cream.

Together: If you seek perfection in sugar confection, well there's something new on the scene!

Rayden: {Looks up and raises his left hand toward the ceiling} A mouthful of cheer...

Liu: {Stand next to Rayden and raises his right hand} A sweet without peer...

Together: {Face each other with large grins} A musical morsel supreme! {Jump off the table and begin marching around the kitchen as Liu toots on a whistle between stanzas.} Toot sweets, toot sweets. A bonbon to blow on at last has been found. Toot sweets, toot sweets. With tweetable eatable sound!

Rayden: {Jumps up and sits on a the sink} Their value is intrinsic! {Sink breaks under him and he crashes to the floor.}

Liu: {Runs up to camera with a white bed sheet flapping behind him} Surpass any mint stick!

Subbie and Scorpion: {Arms about each other and bopping to the beat} Or marshmallow mouthful you munch!

All: TOOT!

Rayden: Though licorice is chewy!

Liu: And gumdrops and gooey!

Subbie and Scorpion: And chocolate is charming to crunch!

All: TOOT!

Rayden and Liu: {Fall back to back against each other with their arms crossed as they sing in the air} That savory fife!

Monks: {Spinning around behind them in their robes before kneeling and thrusting their candies in the air} That sweet of your life!

All: It's clearly the best of the bunch! TOOT! Toot sweets, toot sweets!

[Camera pans back to take in the entire kitchen. Along the walls, we see children dancing dosey-do. In rows and columns of five across, the elder monks are dancing the can-can, kicking their red robes up in a fashionable and fancy Moulin Rouge type manner. Handing from the ceiling on holy threads, the elder gods and swinging around like trapeze artists, flipping about and catching each other on small bars. And down in the very center of the room, swinging in circles on suddenly convenient backing trays, Liu Kang, Rayden, Scorpion, and Sub-Zero are dancing and kicking their feet out as they turn round and round. Then, they all jump away, and form foud long lines as they begin marching toward the camera.]

All: The treat that's so tweetable, lusciously eatable with that unbeatable...

Rayden: {Jumps up on the table, grabs a wooden spoon, and begins directing the groups like a band.}

[Five groups form quickly, each tooting a particular note. When Rayden reaches the final note, he points to the only person standing off to himself. From the back of the room, the Emperor places the candy in his mouth, and with a mighty blow, screeches the final high pitched note needed to finish the song.]

All: SOUND!!!!

[A beat.]

Director: Cut! Ok, that's a wrap. Good job, guys.

[Everyone scatters, talking amongst themselves. The monks form two lines and head out into the dressing area. Up above, the elder gods are lowered on thin cables, unhooked, and together they move off to speak to the snack table for a cup of coffee. A few stagehands move in and remove the extra props then they leave. The last of the techs have finished up in the sound studio, have turned off the lights, and have left the building. All that's left is Scorpion and Subbie, playing Crazy 8's at the small table, and Liu and Rayden, waiting for their cookies to be finished.]

Rayden: Man, oh man, am I hungry.

Liu: {Breathing in deeply the scent of ginger} I couldn't agree more.

[A moment later, there is a ding. With rising excitement, they pull the baked cookies from the toaster over, and inhale deeply the fresh aroma. On the tray are various shapes. On closer inspection, we find them to be little Mortal Kombat figures.]

Scorpion and Sub-Zero: Awwwwww.

[Carefully carrying them over to the table, Liu and Rayden take a moment to reflect as they wait for the cookies to cool. Then, after waiting to the point of holding Marlon Brando at gun point, they each pick up a cookie, put it in their mouths and-]

Scorpion and Subbie: {Gasp and lean forward}

Liu's grandfather: Liu, my grandson, you have a package.

Liu: {Blinks} What? {Shocked because he never gets packages way out here. Puts the cookie down before he can eat it, and notices Rayden has done the same.}

Rayden: Well, who's it from?

Liu: Hmm. No return addy. {Grabs a knife from the table and opens the package. Inside is a music box. Shocked and touched, Liu carefully opens the box as a beautiful sound comes out... followed by a squishing sound as something explodes from the velvet lining, covering the four Kombatants.}


Scorpion and Subbie: OH DEAR GOD, GET IT OFF!

Liu: Aw, Christ.

[From the doorway, there a maniacal laugh as a dark figure enters the room, carefully avoiding the spluts of molasses all around the kitchen. With a quick swipe, he steals the cookies, and faces the camera.]

Shang Tsung: Ha ha! Vengeance is mine!

[The four Kombatants fall into offensives crouches (Subbie grabbing himself, Liu throwing the finger...)... or at least they would if only they weren't stuck to each other. Without further adieu, Tsung makes his way out of the kitchen, into the front yard, and teleports himself back to the Emperor's castle in Outworld where he sits on his throne and finishes off the cookies, which makes him gain twenty pounds around his hips, destroying his girly figure. Because of this, the Emperor strips him of his magic and throws him out of Outworld. When Rayden finds him, he condemns the sorcerer to a fate worse than death: A life time imprisonment of watching Pepsi commercials with Britney Spears all day long!]


[And the bards say that sometimes, if you listen carefully enough, you can hear his moans of agony agony rippling across the waves, his eternal punishment for stealing Liu's and Rayden's cookies.]

The frikin' end, and about frikin' time, cause I ran out of frikin' ideas... as you could tell by the less than satisfying ending.