Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin.
Story: A humourous recap of series 1 episode 11 (the unicorn one). Contains slash references.
Merlin: How could Arthur have killed my pretty unicorn? *sob*
Gaius: You forget Merlin, that Arthur is a hunter, a big strong macho man. Mindlessly killing things is his idea of fun. Plus, it's totally Freudian that he tried to impress his father with a phallic object.
Arthur: Now Merlin, I want you to do this, this, this and...you're not still pouting about that unicorn are you?
Arthur: Would you have me bring it home as a pet?
Merlin: *quietly* We could have called it Sparkly...
Arthur: My chambers are full of rat poo. Sort it out.
Uther: All our food is dead. We're going to have to ration.
Arthur: But Dad! I need my energy for my physical activities with Merlin! *pouts*
Merlin: It has to be magic.
Gaius: We can't assume that Merlin.
Uther: We must maintain order despite our extreme lack of food. I'll issue an order that all looters will be executed.
Arthur: Is that your answer to everything?
Uther: I like the sound of the axe meeting flesh okay? So sue me. Camelot will be under curfew. So no sneaking out to see Merlin.
Gaius: There's no scientific explanation for the sudden disappearance of water sir.
Uther: ...And therefore the kingdom must be under attack.
So Merlin tries to magic up some H2O. It doesn't work.
Arthur: Merlin, you're up after curfew, you naughty boy!
Merlin: I was looking for that rat. Couldn't find it.
Arthur: So you have been...outwitted by a rat?
Merlin: They do say rats are very intelligent (trust Merlin to have a smart ass response)
Arthur: Go home Merlin. By that I mean meet me at my chambers in ten minutes.
Creepy staff wielding figure disappears into the castle, and Merlin and Arthur hurry after him, Batman and Robin style...
They proceed to play "running round the dark corridors looking for him" only for him to materialise and cut off Arthur berating his servant.
Anhora: Are you looking for me? I am Anhora, Keeper of the Unicorns.
Arthur: Yeah, and I'm Arthur, Queen of the Fairies! Pfft!
Anhora: I have come to deliver you a message, Queen of the Fairies. You are responsible for what has happened.
Arthur: Me? I would never do such a thing to my own people!
Anhora: Your unicorn killing tendencies have unleashed a curse.
Arthur: Lift the curse old man, or I kill you.
Anhora: You will be tested.
Arthur: I've had enough of this mumbo jumbo.
He lunges for Anhora, who promptly disappears. Useful ability.
Gaius and Merlin have a deep and meaningful (ah, how sweet) over a steaming mug of something or other. Ah, it's Merlin's bathwater. That's a little gross, though at least it evokes the image of naked Merlin for all the Colin Morgan fans out there. You can all back off, Merlin belongs to Arthur and Colin Morgan belongs to me 3
Arthur finds a hole in one of his sexy boots and is not best pleased.
Merlin: When you killed the unicorn, I saw Anhora in the forest.
Arthur: You could have mentioned this a tad earlier, maybe?
Merlin: I was wild with grief for Sparkly! I thought I was imagining it!
Arthur: We can't trust Anhora. He's a sorcerer.
Arthur and Merlin stakeout someplace waiting for Anhora's return. Someone arrives, and Arthur produces a long shiny sword, with obligatory wrist flex to show off. A man appears, holding a bag of grain.
Evan: I need this for my family, my lord. They will starve.
Arthur: I will not execute you, but do not let me catch you stealing again.
Evan: Thank you.
Arthur: Wait. Take some grain. I do have a heart underneath all this muscle.
Evan: You are merciful and kind. Almost makes up for killing Sparkly.
Arthur: When will people let that go?
Gwen has her worried face on at the state of affairs, but is pleased to discover that the water has returned to Camelot.
Arthur and Merlin are rehydrating themselves.
Merlin: Water = reward, Arthur.
Arthur: *scratches head* Me no get it. Find me some food, Merlin.
Merlin: Yeah, from where?
Merlin: Hmm...rat stew?
Morgana appears looking incredibly regal in white fur. She attempts to reassure Arthur in a rather sweet sisterly manner – "I'm sure you're doing everything you can."
Gwen appears, with food smuggled out of the palace kitchens for the villagers, again touching. Uther meanwhile is probably sitting on his backside planning executions for the laugh.
Arthur reluctantly tries Merlin's stew not realising what it is until it's already in his mouth. In a sadistic twist of revenge he forces Merlin to eat it too, and Morgana (though we don't see that bit, sadly, not that I don't like Morgana but the look on her face would have been priceless). Poor Merlin though, he was trying to make the best of the situation with what little he had available.
Arthur stumbles across his second test, which is Evan with a ton of stolen food. Unfortunately the man insults Arthur's honour and touches on a sore nerve – Arthur's daddy issues. Arthur can't handle this and swings his sword violently at the man, who disappears. Anhora shows up (the man seems to come and go as he pleases, how convenient) and tells Arthur he's failed the test.
Anhora: Camelot is dooooooooooooooooooooooooomed.
And Arthur's gotten mud on his butt. Hee hee.
And Merlin and Gaius have to eat icky beetles. Which don't taste like chicken.
Uther: We're gonna have to stop giving food to the people. We must conserve our food for our army. We must defend the kingdom.
Arthur: Uh, Dad, what's the point of defending a kingdom with no one in it? Everyone will die without food. Let's ask the other kingdoms for help.
Uther: They will attack us.
Arthur: Dad, not everyone is out to get us you know?
Uther: What of our rep? Have you no pride?
The word hits a sore point for Arthur after Anhora's words ("you would kill a man to defend your pride")
Arthur: I cannot think of my pride when our people go hungry. And I'm sick of eating rat.
Arthur and Merlin watch over the people. Arthur at this point is in extreme self pity/angst mood. "Camelot is on the verge of collapse". In a minute he'll start wearing black and writing mournful poetry. Very nearly just yelled at the screen – "Kiss him Merlin, that'll make him feel better!"
Merlin takes matters into his own magical hands by traipsing into the wood. He uses his charisma to try and get Anhora to give Arthur another chance.
Anhora: You have faith in Arthur?
Merlin: I trust him with my life. (My slash senses are tingling!)
Anhora: Alright, no need to get mushy about it. Send your blonde prince to the Labyrinth of Gedref, it should be on his sat nav.
Merlin insists he's coming with. Arthur says no. Merlin insists. Arthur says no. Merlin looks pissed, and decides to follow Arthur anyway. That's love for you.
Arthur: Wow, check out this maze. It'd be a great tourist spot.
Arthur steps into a maze which is quite obviously a set (sorry BBC but you could have tried a bit harder!)
We still have some time left so we get some shots of the boys wandering around the maze.
Anhora tries to trap Merlin (not nice!) and Arthur comes out at a beach to find him sat at a table with two goblets. Long story short, there is poison in one of the goblets and the contents of both goblets must be drunk by one person. So someone has to die, basically. Boo!
You have to wonder how Anhora knew Merlin would come along though. Maybe he's psychic?
Arthur: I thought I told you to stay at home. (I knew Merlin was Arthur's wife!)
Merlin: You have to live. You're the future king! I'm just a servant.
Arthur: I had no idea you were so keen to die for me.
Merlin: I'm not. Though I do tend to save your ungrateful ass every week.
Arthur: I'm glad you're here Merlin.
Anhora: GET ON WITH IT, LOVEBIRDS! I've got bingo in an hour!
Merlin: I've got it! Pour all the liquid into one goblet! Then it's definitely poisoned and all the liquid can be drunk!
Arthur: You're a lot smarter than you look.
Arthur distracts Merlin (Merlin, you numpty) and drinks it all. Merlin freaks out, naturally, and is practically sobbing over Arthur's body when Anhora tells him it's actually just sleeping potion. And of course, Arthur has passed his test.
Anhora: Arthur was willing to sacrifice his life to save yours. He has proven what is truly in his heart.
Merlin: What, me?
Arthur puts the unicorn horn back in the forest and apologises. Aw. RIP Sparkly.
But guess what? Sparkly lives again! "When he who kills a unicorn proves himself to be pure of heart, the unicorn will live again."