Omake files – #1

Chapter 7 is written, and chapter 8 half-written – but Chapter 6 continues to elude me. In the mean time, here are some lovely non-canon 'outtakes' to keep you amused...


In a disused government warehouse with a single incompetent guard, a breeze stirred. That breeze strengthened as a wheezing, scraping sound started to issue from its source, and a blue box faded into view.

The TARDIS landed with a thump, and the doors opened. The Doctor poked his head out, and peered around the seemingly endless rows of boxes. "Oh come on, what is it with you people and stockpiling huge mounds of artifacts you don't understand?"

As the Doctor stepped out of his capsule, he was followed by a teenage girl and an elderly wizard. "You'd have to ask Tedd's dad about that," Ellen replied a bit defensively. "Now come on, the Diamond is this way. C'mon, lets do this fast, the guard here is an asshole."

Striding confidently as she recognized the layout of the warehouse, Ellen lead the Doctor to the artifact that had created her – the artifact they were there to destroy.

When they finally came to it, the Doctor peered at it with a serious look on his face. Fishing out his sonic screwdriver, he pointed the glowing blue tip at the crystal and pressed a button. The screwdriver emitted a whine, and he sighed in relief as the crystal resonated in sympathy. "No special force fields or deadlocks or anything on it. It's not indestructable. Durable, but not indestructible." Abraham gave a sigh of relief, letting out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

Ellen was fidgeting. She remembered the last time she was here. The confusion, the feeling of being cheated, the hopelessness... she didn't want to stick around longer than she had to. "Okay, let's just grab it and get out of here."

"What are your plans for destroying it?" the ancient wizard asked. Having failed to destroy it for so many centuries, he had long since decided to allow the apparent expert free reign.

"Oh, the volcanoes of classical Pyrovillia will destroy just about anything. Quick hop in the TARDIS, we toss it out the door, and it'll never trouble anyone again." The Doctor had stepped right up to the diamond. He walked around its pedestal, admiring its workmanship. Abraham may have been impulsive and a tad thoughless, not thinking through the implications of the magical constructs he had created and anchored within the diamond, but he had to admit it was a superb artifact. It was almost a shame to destroy it... but no. This thing had ruined too many lives, created too many monsters, and precipitated too many identity crises for it to just rattle around in his attic for all eternity. He reached down to grab it.

Ellen's eyes went wide. "Wait! That thing's dangerous! You should get gloves or-"

But it was too late.

The Doctor's hand touched the diamond, and it immediately began to hum and glow an eerie green. Oh no... he thought, and tried to pull away, but it was as if his arm were no longer under his control, gripping the diamond ever harder. He felt his hair start to stand on end, energy coursing through his body...

In a sudden flash of green light laced with streamers of yellow vapor, he was blown backwards until he hit the nearest row of boxes, containing who-knows-what extraterrestrial or wizardly artifacts. He groaned in pain, unable to open his eyes... at least until he realized there were a chorus of groans coming from all around him.

The Doctor opened his eyes and looked up, only to see Ellen standing near the diamond, her eyes wide, her hands clamped over her mouth, looking around in shock. Abraham was not in much of a better state, mouth wide, eyes going back and forth from the green and yellow still-scintillating diamond to multiple spots along the walls. The Doctor followed their eyes... and his worst fears were confirmed.

Ten men, wearing ten identical pinstripe suits and trenchcoats, but with ten diferent heights and hairstyles, stood up. All were quiet as they turned on the spot, surveying the others. One reached into a pocket, extracting a sonic screwdriver and sweeping it over an outstretched hand, and frowned at the apparent results. Others reached up and touched ears, noses, hair of length varying from shoulder-length waves to a near buzz-cut.

The seconds dragged on. What does one say in a situation like this, the Doctor wondered. Eventually, though, the man with the brown unruly curls and a large nose spoke up. "Oh dear... well, which of us is going to drive?"


Mrs. Kitsune turned away from Agent Cranium, as the blond walked away down the hall. Her underlings instructed in their roles, the middle-aged woman let her veneer of command at last slip away. She at last let herself think about the fact that her daughter and her daughter's good friend nearly died – but before she could let it sink in, a man turned the corner of the hospital corridor. A man wearing a long brown trenchcoat, trainers, and the second spikiest hair she had ever seen. A man she never thought in a million years she would ever have seen again.

"Doctor!" she called out, unable to stop herself from running towards him, like she had so many times all those years ago.

The Time Lord was taken aback, but managed a smile at last right as she hugged him. "Oh! Wow, it's been... ages..."

"Twenty five years," Mrs. Kitsune said in a huff. "I was sure you'd forgotten me."

"How could I ever forget you? The purple-haired Queen of the TARDIS? But – what're you doing here?"

She pulled away from him, to look up at his perplexed expression – and her own expression hardened. "Nanase is my daughter."

"Your... daughter? Oh, ah, um..."

She backed away from him. The happiness to see him in her eyes had given way entirely to an intense, steely fire. "I'll give you one piece of advice. Stay away from her, Doctor. You're amazing, but you're a danger to everything you touch. I will not let you drag her along with you, no matter how many UNIT or FBI regs I have to break..."


"Does it ever bother you, Amy, that your life doesn't make any sense?"

Amy had nothing to say to that. She gazed uncomprehendingly at the Doctor... until a bolt of energy shot behind her head right into the Pandorica.

Screaming, the time-travelers rushed around the ancient cube-shaped prison.

"What was that?"

"Okay, I need a proper look – gotta draw its fire, give it a target."

"How?" Amy asked, breathlessly.

"You know how somehow I have really brilliant ideas?"

"Yes..." Amy sighed out.

The Doctor grimaced. "Sorry..."

Jumping out from behind the Pandorica, the Doctor pointed behind the metallic arm lying on the floor and yelled:

"Is that a Demonic Duck of some sort!"

The arm's turret twisted around to fire behind it, away from the Doctor and Amy. And as the Doctor ran forwards to neutralize it, a red, horn-tailed blur dodged energy blasts and sped out from under Stonehenge, screaming "Daaaaamn youuuu Doooooctor...!"