This is, as the title would suggest, a parody of Star Trek. And an epic one at that. Sorry for the length, it kind of got away from me. It's also my first fic, so be nice. Green Beetle i hope you catch my small shout out to you.
Warnings: Some swearing and sexual references, but nothing too explicit. I ship Spork by the way, and you can probably tell. But don't get me wrong, I love Uhura, so there will be no Uhura bashing here. There is also a lot of references to other movies and tv shows, especially Futurama, which I just seem to associate with Star Trek...I don't know what it is, I just do.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I assure you I do not own the characters, or even the actors. I wish I did. Mmmmmmmmm. Anyway, enjoy the craziness that is me.
Duuum dum dum dum dum,
duuum dum dum dum dum,
duuum dum dum dum dum duuuuuuuum.
Man that robot seems evil all of a sudden.
We start with an impressive CG shot of the U.S.S. Kelvin floating through space, complete with lots of lensflares. Get used to them, in this movie, they're everywhere.
Captain Robau: Right, so let me get this straight, we've been sent to the edge of Federation space to investigate some unknown anomaly and we're the only ship around for miles
Bridge officer 1: Uh…pretty much sir.
Captain Robau: Oh joy. Right, anyway, what have we got?
Bridge officer 2: No idea. It looks like a lightning storm…in space!
Captain Robau: You do know that's not actually possible?
Bridge officer 2: …ah…well…ITS IN THE SCRIPT!
Lt Kirk: I think it's supposed to be a black hole. Although how a black hole creates lightning, I'm not sure.
A big ass ship begins to emerge from the black hole. A ship with what looks like tentacles. You can bet there is fic out there that ships the Narada and the Enterprise.
Bridge officer 3: Son of a… sir they're firing at us.
The Kelvin then proceeds to get the crap shot out of it. Things explode and people are thrown out into space. Oh the carnage!
Ayel(on viewscreen): *clears throat* Ahem. The captain of your ship will come aboard ours, for "negotiation".
Captain Robau: If I do that, you'll stop firing right?
Ayel: Uh sure…why not *shifty eyes*.
The message screen shuts off.
Captain Robau: Okay Lt Kirk, be prepared to take the blame. Steady…steady…..NOW. *runs out the door*
Captain Kirk: Oh yeah, now you promote me.
Meanwhile, over on the Narada…
Captain Robau: I thought we were going to discuss a ceasefire.
Ayel: Well, you're a moron. Now, you will tell us where Ambassador Spock is *holds up a hologram of said Spock*
Fanboys: OMG it's Leonard Nimoy.
Captain Robau: There is no Ambassador Spock. Are you sure you're not a few centuries off?
Nero has anger management issues, and proceeds to run Robau through with his, in no way phallic shaped, spear.
Captain Robau: Ouch that smarts.
Bridge officer 1: Ahh, they're firing on us again.
Captain Kirk: Right evacuate the ship…wait, why didn't I do that earlier?
Mrs Kirk: *on her communicator* George, what's happening?
Captain Kirk: Don't worry honey, just ignore all the explosions and dead people, everything's fine.
Mrs Kirk: Oh good, because I'm going into labour and I wouldn't want anything to go wrong.
Captain Kirk: Well, we're evacuating, so get to a medical shuttle and I'll meet you there.
Kirk tries to put the ship on autopilot but, naturally, the system is down.
Captain Kirk: *sigh* Medical shuttle, you're gonna have to leave without me.
Mrs Kirk: Wait, no, we can't leave without him.
The alien doctor with really big eyes: Quick the baby's coming, and apparently there is no time for pain killers.
Mrs Kirk: THERE'S ALWAYS TIME FOR PAIN KILLERS!
T.A.D.W.R.B.E.: Nope, sorry. Push, Winona, push.
Mrs Kirk: AHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Lil' baby Kirk: WAAAAAAA!
T.D.W.R.B.E.: Aww, it's a boy.
Captain Kirk: A boy, what will we call him?
Mrs Kirk: How about we name him after your dad?
Captain Kirk: Tiberius, he'll get his ass kicked. What about your dad?
Mrs Kirk: Okay, we'll call him James, Jim for short, James Tiberius Kirk *fanfare* Where did that come from?
Captain Kirk: Promise me you'll never let go.
Mrs Kirk: I'll never let go Jack, I'll never let go.
Captain Kirk: *pilots the Kelvin into the Narada* GAK!
Narada: Owie, I gots a boo boo.
T.A.D.W.R.B.E: *looks at Jim* Damn this kid is gonna have issues.
The Solar System
The Milky…ok I'll stop now
We see a car (that looks suspiciously like it's from the early 21st century) speeding down a dirt road. Driving the car is a cute little blond kid, who we find out is James Tiberius Kirk *fanfare*
Kirk: Driving, driving la la la la la.
Kirk: Oh look I'm getting a call on my *product placement* Nokia phone.
Greg Grunberg: Get your ass back here you little punk, that's my car. Why you little…*shakes fist angrily, although you can't see it because he's on the phone, but you get the idea*
Kirk: Can't you see I have issues and am acting out. *hangs up* Now how about some music*turns on radio*
Radio: "You get the best of both worlds, chillin out take it slow, then we rock out the show"
Kirk: Ahhhhhh, get it off, get it off. *changes channel to a rock station* phew, that's better. Hmm, what does this button do? Oopps, there goes the roof.
Police robot: Citizen, you are speeding. Pull over.
Kirk: Oh lookie, a cliff. I wonder if I can jump it.
He slams on the brakes at the last minute and jumps out of the car, managing to cling onto the edge of the cliff face, while the car explodes at the bottom.
Kirk: Ah ha Jim: 1 cliffs: 0.
Police robot: Citizen, what is your name.
Kirk: James Tiberius Kirk *fanfare*… What's yours?
The planet Vulcan…inhabited by Vulcans…who speak Vulcan
It seems that Vulcan education consists of kids standing in what can only be described as giant bowls set into the floor, while being blinded by holograms.
I totally want one.
Aww, isn't little Spock cute, with his ears and eyebrows and bowl haircut. Man these Vulcans sure like bowls.
Spock: 4/3 , E=MC2, 1537 A.D, no a cucumber is a fruit, not a vegetable.
A group of Vulcan bullies come over to hassle poor little Spock, and to trade the Vulcan equivalent of 'Your mum' jokes.
Bully 1: Your mother is human, she is illogical
Bully 2: You are also part human, you too are illogical.
Spock: We've been through this all before, I'm not going to react. Besides you are the ones who are illogical.
Bully 3: *pushes Spock* Yeah, well your mother is a whore.
Spock: WHAT! I'LL KILL YOU.
Spock kicks the crap out of the bully. That's right, you don't mess with Spock, he was a badass even when he was tiny.
Spock's father Sarek comes up and sits down beside him.
Sarek: Son, I know that you are half human, but you should learn to control your emotions.
Sarek: Because emotions are dumb and should be hated.
Spock: Father, why did you marry mother?
Sarek: *thinking* because she was a smoking hot bitty. *out loud* Because it was logical…yeah, that's why.
Flash forward 20 years or so. Look it's Syl-I mean adult Spock
Amanda: Spock come here, why are you hiding just off camera?
Amanda: Nothing. Don't worry, you'll do fine, you'll knock em out of the water.
Spock: Mother the council will not be in any water, in fact we are on Vulcan, there is very little water anywhere.
Amanda: *sigh* It's just an expression honey. By the way don't you just love the jumper I made you?
Spock: Uh…yes, it is most…satisfactory.
Amanda: I even sewed your name into the collar.
Spock: Great, so there is no chance of me loosing it.
Council member: So Spock, it would appear that you have received perfect grades.
Spock: Well, I try.
Council member: Congratulations, you have been accepted into the Vulcan Science Academy. I'm impressed that you have done so well, all things considered.
Sarek: Oh no.
Spock: All things considered?
Council member: Your mother is a muggle, is she not?
Spock: *thinking* Deep breaths, go to you happy place, you don't need to scalp anyone. Oh to hell with this! *out loud* You know what, I've had enough, I'm out of here. Live long and go fuck yourselves. *storms out*
Back on Iowa
Uhura walks into a bar (Ow! Who put this bar here?) and orders about 20 drinks.
Uhura: They're not all for me.
Sure Uhura, whatever you say *coughalcoholiccough*.
Kirk: Wow that's a lot of drinks. I'm Jim Kirk by the way *fanfare* *looks round, slightly confused, but puts it down to being 'slightly' drunk*
Uhura: Good for you farm boy.
Kirk: You're a cadet huh…what you studying?
Uhura: Xenolinguistics, it's the…
Kirk: Study of alien languages. See I'm not as dumb as I look. Wait…that didn't come out right.
Uhura: Hmm, so you're not just an idiot farmboy that only has sex with farm animals? (oh Uhura, you are made of win)
Kirk: Who told you that?…I mean…no, of course I don't. Anyway, you gonna tell me your name, or am I gonna have to make one up.
Uhura: It's Uhura okay. Will you leave me alone now.
Kirk: Uhura huh, not what I would have picked…don't you have a last name?
Uhura: It is my last name.
Kirk: Then what's you fist name? Come on, tell me. I'm not going to stop bugging you until you do.
Uhura: Okay look, you're very pretty, but you're kind of a moron, so I'm going to leave now.
Cupcake: He bothering you?
Kirk: Back off, Cupcake I'm trying to get lucky here.
Cupcake: Hey farmboy, in case you can't tell, there's only one of you, we could totally kick your ass.
Kirk: Farmboy eh?
Jim grabs Cupcake and throws him across the room. He then superspeeds around the other guys, blasting them with his heat vision, before flying out the window.
Kirk: Wow…that was kinda weird. *turns to Cupcake and his goons* I think I can take you.
Turns out he can't, and, for the first of many times in this movie, gets his ass kicked. On the plus side he gets to cop a feel of Uhura…so…not a total loss.
Jim's getting the crap beat out of him by 4 other guys until…
The Badass Christopher Pike shows up. He is badass.
Pike: Everyone out.
Kirk: Jeeze you can whistle really loud…I think my eardrums are bleeding…or maybe that's just the concussion.
Jim is sitting at a table with tissues up his bloody nose…or possibly tampons, which we all know are good for really bad nose bleeds.
Pike: You should totally join Starfleet.
Kirk: No, I've got a pretty fulfilling career hanging out in bars, driving cars off cliffs, getting arrested and just generally angsting over my father's death.
Pike: Ah George…he was a good man, didn't believe in no win scenarios. Remember that, it will probably become important later on. He was captain for 12 minutes and saved a buttload of lives. I dare you to do better.
Kirk: Nope, I'm good.
Pike: Fine, I double dare you.
Kirk: No thanks.
Pike: I double dog dare you.
Kirk: Damn, you can't back out of a double dog dare.
The next day
Jim drives up to the ship yard on his motor bike, looking sexy while doing so, and gives the keys to…that guy…you know that actor who you see in everything, but don't know his name. Anyway, he gets on the shuttle and spots the guys from last night as well as Uhura.
Kirk: *bashing his head on a beam* Do'h. Hey, who put this here?
Bones: Unhand me wench!
Officer: Sir you need to sit down
The gruff, and certainly not Kiwi, doctor sits down next to Jim.
Kirk: I'm Jim.
Bones: Leonard McCoy. *pulls out a flask and gulps down some whiskey*
Kirk: *looks at him, raising an eyebrow*
Bones: What…I don't like flying and I don't like space.
Kirk: And you're joining Starfleet?
Bones: Well, I've got nothing left, wife got the planet in the divorce.
Judge: The court rules in favour of Mrs McCoy. She will be granted full custody of the planet.
Mrs McCoy: Ha, you should have got a pre-nup.
Kirk: You know Bones, of all the friends I've had, you're the first.
3 Years Later
The Narada is flying through space
Narada: Flying, flying, la la la la la.
Ayel: We're here sir.
Nero: Good, good. Now we wait.
There is a collective groan from the rest of the crew.
Nero: SCILENCE FOOLS.
Suddenly a black hole opens, and a squidy looking ship flies out of it.
Nero: Spock! You are late. How rude. Quick Ayel, seize him.
Starfleet Academy – San Francisco
Was that a demon? Save me Charmed Ones! SAVE ME!
Kirk: Hey it's my BBF Bones. Hi Bones.
Bones: Why am I friends with you?
A couple of girls walk past
Bones: Why are those girls watching you?
Girls: *giggle* Oh Jim.
Kirk: 'Cus I look good. And to establish for the audience that I'm kind of a man whore. Anyway, I'm gonna take the test again. Will you be there?
Bones: As much as I enjoy watching you make an idiot of yourself, don't you remember what happened the last time you took the test?
Bones: The Klingons are firing on us, what do you want to do?
Officer: Cadet Kirk…..YOU FAIL
Kirk: Fine, I'll have my own Kobayashi Maru, with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the test.
Kirk: Yeah well this time I have a foolproof plan.
Bones:…You're going to cheat, aren't you?
Kirk: No *shifty eyes* I have to go study.
Switch to Jim making out with an Orion girl in his underwear. Oh movie, you are too good to us.
Gaila: Oh Jim, I love you.
*needle scratching on a record*
Kirk: Woah, hold up. I like you a lot, and I think you're great, but the author's threatening me with bodily harm if I don't hook up with Spock, also I'm *mumbles* using you to pass the Kobayashi Maru test.
Kirk: *looks innocent* Nothing.
The door opens and Gaila's roommate comes in.
Gaila: Crap, my roommate. Quick, hide under the bed.
Kirk: WTF. Why?
Gaila: 'Cus I told her she wouldn't have to walk in on me making out with guys on my bed practically naked.
Kirk: Does that happen often?
Gaila: Oh please, how many chicks have you brought back to your dorm?
Kirk: Just chicks? Well there was Mary, Lisa, Brittany, Claire, Julia, Lindsey and what was her name…Anne or Mia or something, and…
Gaila: Okay, I get, just hide under the bed.
Gaila's roommate turns out to be Uhura. What a surprise.
Uhura: *while she is undressing* Guess what, I intercepted a transmission…
Kirk: Wow, could this day get any better?
Pay attention Jim, this is an important future plot point.
Uhura:…their entire fleet.
Gaila: Wow, that's…great. So you'll be here all night?
Uhura: Where is he Gaila?
Gaila: Certainly not under the bed, that's for sure!
Uhura: *looks under the bed* Gottcha.
Uhura: Get out.
Kirk: Can I at least pick up my clothes?
Uhura: No. *drop kicks him out the door*.
The Next Day during the Kobayashi Maru test.
Uhura: The Klingons are attacking and we still have to rescue the crew. What do you want to do Captain.
Kirk: It impresses me the way you make captain sound like moron, or jackass. Anyway, don't worry about the Klingons. I've got it covered. *takes a bite out of his apple*
The system reboots, allowing Jim to pass the test, making awesome 'pew pew' noises while shooting at the ships. Now that is what being a Captain is all about.
Kirk: Haha, take that. I win.
Officer: How did he beat the test?
He turns around to face…Spock!
Spock: No one beats my test. The only logical conclusion is that he cheated.
Admiral: James Kirk, get your (fine) cheating ass up here now.
Kirk: Who says I cheated? Lies I say. Lies and slander.
Spock: I do.
OMG my OTP is on screen together. Just look at them, aren't they beautiful. Excuse me while I squeeee for a moment.
Admiral: Commander Spock, make your case.
Spock: If it pleases the court, I would like to call upon the entire jury.
Admiral: I'm going to allow this.
Spock: Jury, did you see who cheated on the test?
Jury: Yes *points to Jim* It was him.
Spock: And are you going to vote to convict him?
Admiral: The jury is ordered to disregard its' own testimony.
Spock: Simply put, Cadet Kirk, you cheated.
Kirk: Well isn't the test itself a cheat, I mean, you can't win it.
Spock: That statement is illogical, you are illogical. Besides, it's supposed to teach a lesson.
Kirk: What lesson?
Spock: That a captain can't cheat death. Your father for example.
Kirk: Bitch, don't even. 'sides, your just annoyed I beat your test. So suck on it.
Spock: Please human, just look at my eyebrows, your argument is irrelevant.
Ahh, look at them, look at the eyesex, the UST.
Admiral: Hold on, we're receiving a distress signal from Vulcan. Despite the fact that you are all still students, we're sending you to the front lines.
Filled with shuttles and rows of cadets dancing to Soulja Boy
Commander: Right, everyone head off to your ships…not you Kirk, you're grounded.
Bones: Don't worry Jim, they'll rule in your favour…maybe…actually, probably not.
Kirk: But I'm the main character, you can't just leave me here for the rest of the movie.
Jim's lower lips starts quivering, his eyes get all big and watery and sad string music starts up. Think Puss in Boots from Shrek.
Kirk: But…but Bones.
Bones: Ugh fine, come with me. *grabs Jim's arm and drags him off*
Commander 2: Uhura, you're assigned to the U.S.S Farragaut.
Uhura: Oh hell no! Commander Spock!
Spock: Yes Lieutenant?
Uhura: I'm the best in the class right? You yourself have praised my 'talented tongue' on a number of occasions. Why have I been assigned to the Farragaut?
Spock: I didn't want to be accused of favouritism.
Uhura: No, I'm assigned to the Enterprise *unleashes Glare of Doom*
Spock: Ahem….why yes I believe you are.
Uhura: Damn straight.
Kirk: Bones, what are we doing?
Bones: I couldn't leave you there looking like someone had kicked your puppy. I'm going to inject you with this hypo, so you can get onto the ship as my patient.
Kirk: Can't you just sneak me on?
Bones: We're not ninjas Jim.
Kirk: Damn I wish we were ninjas.
Bones: *stabs him with a hypo*
Kirk: Son of a bitch that hurt. Was that really necessary?
Bones: Nope. Just fun. Now you're going to go blind in one eye, get a really bad headache and a sweat. *picks Jim up and takes him to the shuttle*
Officer: Right, McCoy, check. Hold on, Kirk you're not supposed to be here.
Bones: He's my patient, so I say where he's supposed to be.
Kirk: *looks like he is about to be sick*
Officer: *waves them through* As you were.
Bones: As you were.
Kirk: Uh Bones…
Bones: If you throw up on me, I'm chucking you out the airlock.
Kirk: You're a good friend.
The shuttle approaches the space dock, giving us our first glimpse of the Enterprise. The score also, coincidently, ramps up. And look, more lenseflares. Jim and Bones are suitably impressed.
Bones: We need to get you changed. Oh crap, it's the elf.
Spock walks past and catches the lift up onto the bridge.
Pike: 'Sup Spock.
Spock: Everything seems in order Captain. We're ready to go.
Pike: Right, Helmsman, take us out.
All the ships go to warp…except the Enterprise.
Pike: *to Sulu* You do know how to fly a ship right?
Sulu: Yes sir, umm…..just give me a sec…usually when I randomly press these buttons, things happen.
Spock: Did you disengage the handbrake?
Sulu: Of course I did, that was the first…wait…oh.
Pike: Okay, now let's go.
Enterprise goes to warp, on its way to Vulcan.
Sulu: *under his breath* Stupid, smug Vulcan, thinks he's so smart.
Spock: I heard that.
Sulu: Ahhhhhh. *hides under desk*
Bones sits Jim down on a bed, who, despite being half blind and ready to throw up, still feels up to flirting with nurses.
Kirk: Hey ladies, want to see my Enterprise?
Bones: Jim, please stop talking. Do you want me to tape your mouth shut again?
Lecturer: So, does anyone have any ideas? Mr Kirk?
Kirk: *with tape over his mouth* mhmm mhm hhm hmm
Bones: I thought it was the best option for everyone.
Lecturer: Ah, of course.
Kirk: *still with tape* Can I take this off now, it's starting to pull skin off.
Kirk: I'll be good.
Bones: I'm going to give you a sedative.
Kirk: To help with the symptoms?
Bones: No. *injects him*
Kirk: God I hate you *collapses*
Not to be confused with the Harbour Bridge, the Brooklyn Bridge, the London Bridge or even the Golden Gate Bridge.
Pike: Ensign Jailbait, I want you to send a message around the ship, explaining our mission.
Chekov: My name is actually Chekov sir, Pavel Andreievich.
Pike: Right…I'm not going to remember that.
Chekov: *sigh* Authorisation code: Vhat time does ze vrist vatch shop shut.
Chekov: Urgh, who came up vith these? Authorisation code: What time does the wrist watch shop shut.
Message screens(Chekov): A few hours ago a lightning storm vas detected in Wulcan space. Ve are being sent to investigate ze anomaly, and will assist if necessary. Ve vill be reaching Wulcan in 5 minutes. Zank you for you
Jim: *bolts upwards* My lovely lady lumps!
Bones: Nice to see that you're awake.
Jim: Bones, we have to…*looks at his hands, which have swelled to 3x their size* AHHHHHHHH.
Bones: My god! It's Mad Cows Disease.
Kirk: *jumps up and tries to access Chekov's message, but has trouble due to his HUGE fingers* Wait, Uhura mentioned something important about a transmission she intercepted. Why didn't I pay attention? Okay Jim,
Uhura: Guess what, I intercepted a transmission….
Kirk: Could this day get any better?
Kirk: Damn, why am I so easily distracted? Okay, let's try again, I've got to think really hard.
Bones: Don't think too hard, you might hurt yourself.
Kirk: SHUT UP!
Uhura: Guess what, I intercepted a transmission, saying that a Romulan ship escaped from a Klingon prison planet and wiped out their whole fleet.
Kirk: Crap, need to find Uhura. *runs off*
Bones: Jim, come back. God, is there anything you aren't allergic to?
Filled with nameless Starfleet officers that serve no purpose other than cannon fodder
Kirk: Uhura, that transmission, was it in Romulan?
Uhura: God what's wrong with your hands?
Kirk: Focus woman! Was it Womulan? What the hell Bones?
Bones: Your tongue's gone numb? Don't worry, I can fix that. *stabs Jim with a hypospray*
Kirk: Ahhhhh, stop it.
Uhura: Yes, it was Romulan. But seriously, what's wrong with you.
Kirk: TO THE BRIDGE!
The Romunlans have lowered a giant drill into Vulcan's atmosphere and are drilling towards the planet's core.
Amanda: *looks outside* Well that can't be good.
Pike is playing Tetris on his PADD, Chekov is watching 'Everybody loves Hypnotoad', Sulu could really go for some White Castle and Spock is practicing his eyebrow raise in the closest reflective surface.
Kirk: Captain Pike, we have to stop the ship, it's a trap.
Pike: Kirk, WTF, how did you get on the ship.
Kirk: Gah, would you all just focus. Stop asking stupid questions.
Spock: Actually, that is an extremely relevant question, one that I…
Kirk: Quiet Legolas.
Spock: *thinking* Am I going to have to scalp a bitch?
Pike: McCoy, please take Kirk back to the Med Bay.
Kirk: Wait. Sir, I read your report on the Kelvin, it was very good by the way, and it said that it was a Romulan ship that attacked the Kelvin, right after a lightning storm in space was reported. A bunch of Romulans escaped a
Klingon prison yesterday. It's them, they're attacking Vulcan.
Uhura: It's true, I translated the message.
Spock: I say we should trust Lt Uhura…oh and Kirk I suppose
Kirk: Oh sure, now you believe us.
Pike: Scan for Romulan transmissions.
Communications Officer: I can't tell the difference between Romulan and Vulcan.
Spock: I find that racist.
Pike: Fine you're fired. Uhura, you've just been promoted.
Uhura: Ah ha, who's awesome?
Bridge Officer 1: Sir, we've lost contact with the other ships.
Sulu: Oh that can't be good.
Pike: Shields up. Arm weapons.
The Enterprise drops out of warp at Vulcan and gets hit by what's left of the fleet. The crew catches sight of the Narada.
Entire crew: *whimper*
Over on the Narada
Ayel: Sir, we missed one.
Nero: Then we will CRUSH THEM.
Spock: They're firing at us.
The bridge crew are all thrown to the floor. Spock and Kirk end up in a heap.
Spock: Kirk, please remove your hand from my ass.
Kirk: Sorry, accident.
Spock: Kirk, it's still there.
Kirk: It's still an accident.
Pike: Get ready to fire back.
Nero: Wait, show me the hull.
The screen zooms in on the Enterprise's hull, showing Nero the name of the ship.
Uhura: We're being hailed.
Nero(on view screen): 'Sup biaches.
Pike: What the hell is wrong with you, you can't just go around shooting people.
Nero: Yes I can.
Pike: Who are you?
Nero: There are those that call me Tim…but most call me Nero.
Kirk: No one was saying anything.
Nero: It was a pre-emptive silence.
Kirk: Oh, so you silenced the silence. Good job.
Nero: Yes, that silence didn't know what hit it. Anyway, hello Spock. We meet again.
Spock: I've never seen you before.
Nero: Not yet. But I want you to watch.
Spock: Woah. Hold up, I'm not really into voyeurism.
Pike: Look, it appears that you have some issues, if we all just sit down and talk about it, I'm sure the Federation can come to an agreement with the Empire. *whispering to Sulu* When I give you the signal, blast the crap
out of him.
Nero: I heard that. Christopher, you will come on board for 'negotiations', or we will continue the attack. *pause* That is all. *he hangs up*
Everyone turns to look at Pike.
Kirk: You can't really be considering going over there, it's clearly a trap.
Spock: I agree, the most likely outcome is that you will be horribly, horribly tourtured…and that's if they're feeling generous.
Pike: I know this is a trap. That's why I have a back-up plan. Now, who here has combat training?
Sulu: *raises hand* I do.
Pike: Good, come with me. Spock as well. You too Kirk. You're not supposed to be here, so if anything goes wrong, no one will miss you.
Nero: Prepare the red matter.
A group of Romulans extract a tiny, and I mean really tiny, amount of red matter from the squidy ship that came through the black hole, and get ready to send it down to the planet
Our heroes are purposely striding through the halls…with a purpose. Purposefully.
Pike: Because of the drill our transporters our down and we can't contact Starfleet. The only logical thing…
Spock: Logical is my word. No one else is allowed to use it.
Pike: *sigh* Fine. The only thing we can do is jump out of the shuttle, land on the drill, and blow it up.
Spock, Kirk and Sulu: Um…
Sulu: Sir, are you sure that's our only option, I mean we could easily get hurt.
Pike: We? Hell no, I'm not jumping out of anything. *points to Jim and Sulu* You two are. Oh, and you'll need a redshirt, so you can take Engineer Olsen with you.
Spock: What about me?
Pike: Spock, I'm promoting you to captain while I'm gone.
Spock: Thankyou sir. *internally* Woohoo. Yes, I'm the greatest. Suck it bitches.
Pike: And, ignoring every piece of procedure, I'm making Kirk acting First Officer.
Spock: Wait, what?...Oh I get it , this is one of those jokes I've heard so much about. Hahahha, nice one sir.
Pike: No joke Spock. I think you and Kirk will be good together. *raises eyebrows suggestively*
Pike, Kirk and Sulu get into the lift.
Pike: You better come get me when this is over.
Kirk: *shares a look with Sulu* Uh… sure sir…whatever.
Pike: Good, now SPACE SUIT UP.
Spock walks back to the bridge and sits in THE CHAIR,
Spock: Medical, report.
Bones: The CMO is dead.
Spock: Well congratulations Doctor McCoy, you've just been promoted.
Chekov: Promotions were inwented in Russia.
Kirk: *to Olsen* Do you have the explosives?
Olsen: Yeah. You know, I have a really good feeling about this mission.
Kirk: So what combat draining do you have?
Sulu: I can fence.
Kirk: Good luck with that.
The 3 guys space jump out of the shuttle and plummet towards the drill.
The Enterprise is monitoring their position.
Chekov: Zey are approaching ze drill.
Kirk and Sulu pull their chutes.
Olsen: Wait, I'm waring a redshirt aren't I?
Olsen doesn't pull his chute soon enough and is vaporised by the drill.
Chekov: Ow, I bet that hurt.
Kirk lands on the drill and a Romulan climbs out. Instead of just shooting the guy, Jim runs right at him and tries to wrestle the gun away. Facepalm. Oh look, the Romulan just knocked Jim's phaser over the edge. Not that
he was actually going to use it. Sulu also lands on the drill, but gets a few holes in his parachute in the process. Another Romulan appears but makes the mistake of tangling with the badass, sword-wielding, martial arts knowing Sulu. Jim gets tossed over the side, but manages to hold on by his fingertips. Instead of picking him up and throwing him off, the Romulan wastes time by trying to stomp on his fingers.
Romulan 1: God damn it, hold still.
Sulu knocks Romulan 2 onto a grill that shoots up flames at predictable intervals.
Romulan 2: Oh sh- *is incinerated*
Sulu: Jim, hold on.
Kirk: I totally want to.
Romulan 1 then gets a sword through his chest. Sulu pulls Jim up.
Kirk: Alright, Jim: 1 ledges: 0. Olsen had the explosives though.
Kirk: I have a better idea. Let's just shoot at it.
Sulu: Sounds good to me.
Uhura: Transporters working.
Spock: Ensign Jailbait, find out what they are doing to the planet.
Back on the Narada
Ayel: Uh boss, the drill has been destroyed.
Nero: *steeples his fingers and leans back* No matter. We have reached the centre of the planet. Release the red matter.
They launch the red matter down into the centre of the planet. When it hits, the planet starts to shake.
Chekov: Keptin, they are creating a black hole, at the centre of the planet. It only has minutes left.
Spock: Tell the planet to evacuate. *gets up and goes to the lift*
Uhura: Where are you going?
Spock: To get my parents. Apparently communications can't reach Vulcan caves.
Kirk: Enterprise get us out of here.
Transporter room: We're working on it.
The drill shifts and Sulu and Kirk fall off. Kirk's parachute breaks. Convenient huh? They then spend a few minutes hugging as they fall to their deaths.
Kirk: Enterprise where the hell are?
Transporter room: You're moving too fast.
Chekov: Vait, I can do zat. *runs out of the room and down the hallway* Get out of ze way.
Chekov locks on to Jim and Sulu right before they hit the ground, teleporting them to the transporter pad.
Kirk: Let's do that again
Kirk: Boo, you whore.
Spock: *walks onto the transporter pad* Out of my way.
Kirk: You can't seriously be considering going down there. You'll be killed.
Spock: Don't tell me what to do. *vanishes*
Whoops, there goes a mountain
Spock runs through a long tunnel until he reaches a large hall. Inside are the Vulcan Elders and Spock's mum.
Spock: The planet is about to be destroyed, we must go.
Vulcan Elder: How preposterous, why would you say *room shakes* uh, nevermind, lets go.
Spock grabs his mum's hand as they run out. Aww, how sweet.
Giant Stone Statue: Oh no you don't.
Group of Vulcans: *squish*
Spock, his parents and the rest of the Elders make it outside.
Spock: Enterprise, beam us up.
Right before they are beamed up, the cliff where Amanda is standing collapses.
Chekov: Oh no!
The group appears back on the Enterprise, sans Amanda, Spock looks devastated, poor baby.
Chekov: My bad.
The black hole eats Vulcan
Black hole: Nom nom nom.
Sulu: I bet the Jedi felt that one.
Spock: Acting Captains Log: My planet is gone, with only a few thousand Vulcans surviving, many of whom are staying on the ship. Dr McCoy keeps muttering about 'pointy eared bastards'. I assured him that all their parents had been married at the time of their conception. Humans are so silly. It would now appear I am a member of an endangered species. I expect organisations to start bugging people for money any day now. I must now go bottle up my grief and rage, for that is the Vulcan way. Spock out. *he gets up and steps into the lift*
Uhura goes after him, stopping the lift after the doors shut. She's a smart cookie and knows the only way to cheer up a guy who just lost his mother and whole planet is to make out with him. Because I don't think they make cards that say "sorry your planet just imploded".
Uhura: Oh Spock, I'm so sorry *smooch*
Spock buries his head in Uhura's shoulder. God, don't you want to just give him a hug?
Uhura: What do you need?
Spock: A new planet for one. But for now I will just repress my emotions and tell everyone to get back to work.
Uhura: Well I better make the most of it *sneaks one last kiss, before Spock exits the lift*
Pike is strapped to a table with Nero leaning over him…they're not even trying to be subtle any more.
Pike: You just destroyed an entire planet, you committed genocide.
Nero: No, I prevented genocide.
Pike: Wait, back up. How do you figure?
Nero: I was off planet when a star went supernova and destroyed Romulus, killing my wife and our unborn child.
Pike: Excuse me, but Romulus still exists you moron.
Nero: Don't interrupt me. Anyway, I blame the Federation…and Spock.
Pike: How on Earth is it the Federation's fault?
Nero:….I don't know. But what I do know is that I'll destroy every Federation planet and that way, I will save Romulus…somehow. Starting with Earth.
Pike: Let me go Nero.
Nero: Quid pro quo Captain Pike.
Pike: Yeeeeees…squid pro row.
Nero: Tell me, what are Earth's defence codes?
Pike: Go to hell Nero.
Nero: What are Earth's defence codes?
Pike: I spit at the question.
Nero: What are Earth's defence codes?
Pike: Fine, I'll tell you.
Nero: That was easy. Why did you tell me?
Pike: I can't stand to be asked the same question more than three times. It just bugs me.
Nero: Well, I'm not complaining. Now, the codes if you please.
Pike: Okay, okay. Do you know…the muffin man?
Nero: The muffin man?
Pike: The muffin man.
Nero: Yes, in know the muffin man, who lives on Drewery Lane?
Pike: Well…she's married to the muffin man.
Nero: THE MUFFIN MAN?
Pike: THE MUFFIN MAN!
Nero: She's married to the muffin man…wait, who's she?
Team Enterprise are discussing what to do next
Uhura: It looks like the Romulans are headed for Earth.
Chekov: Vhy didn't zey destroy us, if ze Federation is ze target?
Sulu: They obviously didn't consider us a threat.
Kirk: Then that will be their folly.
Spock: Get out of the chair. And seriously, who talks like that? Besides, that's not it. He said he wanted me to watch the destruction of my planet.
Bones: How did they do that btw?
Spock: My guess is that they are from the future.
Bones: Damn it man I'm a doctor, not The Doctor.
Kirk: Either way, we need to catch up to Nero and take over the ship…oh and rescue Pike I guess.
Chekov: Ve can't, it's not possible.
Kirk: Well, sitting around saying can't never got anyone anywhere.
Spock: No, we must meet up with the rest of the fleet.
Spock: I'm sorry, who's the captain here? Is it you? No, I didn't think so.
Kirk: If Nero's from the future, then he knows what we're going to do. We have to do something unexpected.
Spock: You clearly don't know how time travel works. Here, let me, the genius that I am, explain it to you. When the Romulans travelled back in time, they changed history, the attack on the Kelvin and the *twitch* destruction of Vulcan *twitch* never happened in Nero's universe. These changes created an alternate universe, and our lives are different because of it.
Kirk: Hmm, yes. Something with that many big words could certainly create an alternate universe.
Sulu: My brain hurts.
Bones: That's a bunch of crap.
Spock: Maybe so, but it should keep the Trekkies happy. Damn those people are crazy. *looks just off camera and sees a Trekkie mouthing "I'll kill you"*
Kirk: I know, I've been getting angry calls in the middle of the night…at least I think they're angry, there speaking Klingon or Hebrew or something. They also tie notes to rocks and throw them at my window. IT'S
SCRATCHING THE GLASS.
Bones: They don't break the glass?
Kirk: No, they're clearly not throwing them hard enough.
Spock: Trekkies or not we will be rendezvousing with the rest of the fleet.
Kirk: Come on Spock, You're captain now, *under his breath*something you keep rubbing in my face. We need to go get Pike.
Spock: DON'T ARGUE WITH ME KIRK.
Kirk: I'LL DO WHAT I LIKE.
Spock: WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Kirk: I DON'T KNOW.
Spock: Enough! *presses button* Security will rough you up a bit on the way out.
Jim is grabbed by 2 security guards. He fights them off but before he can get far, Spock Nerve Pinches him, knocking him out.
Spock: Get him off my ship.
Let me assure you that Spock only said that because the temptation to have his wicked way with Jim was too great. Now that I've said it, it must be cannon.
Jim is put into an escape pod and sent down to Delta Vega.
Hoth…I mean Delta Vega
Computer: You are on Delta Vega. Please remain in the pod until someone can be bothered to come get you.
Kirk: Screw that. *climbs out of the pod, and sees that he's at the bottom of the cliff* Pfft, no cliff stands a chance against me. *pulls himself up to the top* Jim: 2 cliff: 0. *looks round, seeing nothing but white for miles* I
better start walking then.
A while later…
Kirk: Personal log: Stardate…uh….never mind. Spock, the bastard, has stranded me on Delta Vega with no good reason. Okay, maybe I was challenging his authority, but that's no reason for him to be so mean. Oooh look at me, I'm Spock. I think I'm so great with my pointy ears and weird eyebrows and stupid haircut. There is no way that I'm going to sleep with him now...not that I wanted to in the first place or anything…uh moving on. Hey what's that?
Jim spots an animal coming towards him.
Kirk: Aww, hey little guy…oh my god! RUN AWAY. RUN AWAY.
The animal chases after Jim, and is about to catch him when a giant red crab, dinosaur, Kraken, insect thing, who shall henceforth be referred to as Big Red, eats it.
Kirk: Ha ha, it's just like Jurassic Park.
Big Red: *turns around and growls in Jim's face, spraying all sorts of gross things at him. Hey is that Jack Sparrow's hat?* GRRRRRRRR.
Kirk: RUN AWAY. RUN AWAY. God, who knew ice could be so slippery? Hey look, a cave, I'm saved.
Before Jim can get far enough in, Big Red grabs his leg and pulls him towards its mouth.
Kirk: I never thought it would end like this. Eaten by a giant red crab, dinosaur, Kraken, insect thing on an ice planet. Honestly, I didn't see it coming.
Before Jim can meet such an untimely and disgusting end, a mysterious figure appears, wielding a flaming torch, and scares Big Red away. He turns around and its…
Leonard f-ing Nimoy aka Spock Prime
Spock Prime: Jim. It figures that you would manage to run into not 1, but 2 extremely deadly animals on a pretty much deserted planet.
Kirk: How do you know my name?
Spock Prime: I have been, and always shall be, your friend.
Kirk: Who are you?
Spock Prime: I *dramatic pause* am *dramatic pause* Spock!
Spock Prime: Hmm, you're even dumber than I remembered. Though I must say it is good to see you. You have no idea what kind of day I've had.
Kirk: Okay, crazy old man. If you were Spock, you would know that were not friends, we hate each other. You marooned me for mutiny. And by you I mean him.
Spock Prime: Oh that *scoffs* That's how all great relationships start out. Soon you two will be making out in storage cupboards and…I've said too much. Wait, what do you mean mutiny, you're not the captain?
Kirk: Uh…no. You are.
Spock Prime: Crap, I broke history. We must fix things immediately. Here *raises hand*
Hand: I read minds y'all.
Kirk: What are you doing?
Spock Prime: I am going to mind meld with you, our minds one and together. *mind melds*
Spock Prime: I am from the future, like a hundred years from now. Romulus was being threatened by a supernova, so the Vulcan Council come up with a plan to cancel the explosion out using red matter. We built a ship and I was sent out to stop the supernova. The thing is…I got kinda sidetracked and got there too late. Bad times. Romulus was destroyed but I managed to stop the supernova from destroying any other planets. Good times. But Nero was pissed and he blamed me. He chased my ship and we were both sucked into the black hole. Nero came through first and has been waiting for me for 25 years. He captured my ship and stranded me down here…to watch him destroy Vulcan. Then I met up with you and saved you from the monster and we mind melded and then it was now and then I don't know what happened. *end mind meld*
Kirk: Gah, my head.
Spock Prime: Yeah, that doesn't go away. Now, we must go. There is a Starfleet outpost nearby.
Kirk: Wait, did I know my father in your universe?
Spock Prime: Yes, you often talked about him, though I never paid much attention. I would just say 'hmm' or 'uh huh' every now and again. Now, let us away.
You are entering the vicinity of an area adjacent to a location. The kind of place where there might be a monster, or some kind of weird mirror. These are just examples, it could also be something much better. Prepare to enter: The Enterprise
Bones: You wanted to see me?
Spock: Ah, yes. Now I know that Kirk is a friend of yours and I know how hard it must have been for you to support me.
Bones: Is that a thankyou?
Spock: God no. I am simply acknowledging your pain.
Bones: What you did might have been logical, but I don't think it was right. When you're going into a race, you don't leave your best stallion behind. (That's right, Jim is a stallion)
Spock: Nice metaphor, but you have to break a stallion before it can "reach it's potential." (seriously, I'm not making this stuff up) *Spock is distracted by thoughts of what "breaking" Kirk would entail* Mmmmmm.
Bones: My God man!
Spock: Huh, what? Oh, right. Dr McCoy, I was only trying to get back in contact with Starfleet, but if your medical degree tells you that I should be walking around weeping, then I shall certainly take that into consideration.
Sulu: *who was eavesdropping* BURN.
Spock: You may leave me now.
Spock: *raises the Eyebrows of Doom*
Bones: *walks away* Grrr, goddamn hobgoblin.
Spock Prime and Jim are trekking across the barren, icy surface of Hoth…damn it, I mean Delta Vega.
Kirk: So…do you like…stuff?
Spock Prime: I'm going to pull my hood up now.
The make their way to the Starfleet outpost, finding themselves at the end of a looooooooooong corridor. A figure appears at the end of it and begins to make its way towards them…
3 hours later
….. Ah ha, he's here. Keenser (the little alien) takes them to a workshop where they find…
Scotty: 'Bout time you S.O.B.s got here. Do ya know how long I've been here?
Spock Prime: Are you Montgomery Scott?
Scotty: Aye. And I'm starving.
Keenser: You're always hungry.
Scotty: Shut up.
Kirk: *cooing at the little ball of fluff in the cage* What is it?
Scotty: It's a tribble. It's also pregnant.
Kirk: I never touched it!
Spock Prime: No Jim, they are born pregnant.
Kirk: *embarrassed* Oh, never mind then.
Spock Prime: You're the one who came up with the idea of transwarp beaming aren't you?
Scotty: Yeah, that's why I'm here. I tested my theory on Admiral Archer's dog.
Kirk: What happened to it?
Scotty: I'll let you know when we find it.
Spock Prime: Either way, you were right, it is possible to beam onto a ship that's going at warp speed, you just haven't discovered it yet.
Scotty: Are you from the future or something?
Kirk: Just him, I'm not.
Scotty: Alrighty then.
Kirk: You're taking this well.
Scotty: Well, I'm pretty drunk, so…..
Kirk: That's cool, I totally get it.
Spock Prime: Here is the equation Mr Scott. Do you think you could beam us to the Enterprise?
Scotty: The Enterprise? Now that is a fine ship. And yeah, I can probably do it.
Kirk: You coming with us Spock?
Spock Prime: No Jim, the universe may or may not implode if I were to meet myself. All that awesomeness in one room…
Kirk: But what the hell am I supposed to tell you. He won't believe me. He'll probably throw me off the ship again.
Spock Prime: You must become captain by getting me to show that I have been emotionally compromised. And by me I mean him.
Kirk: Emotionally compromise you huh? *dirty thoughts*
Spock Prime: Mind out of the gutter, I am already compromised. Just get me to show it.
Jim and Scotty climb onto the transport pad. Keenser tries to join them.
Scotty: You cannae come with me. (Awww, cute)
Kirk: *to Spock* Coming back in time is cheating you know.
Spock Prime: It is something I learned from an old 'friend'. Live long and prosper.
Jim appears back on the Enterprise. Scotty, on the other hand, ended up in the water tubes
Kirk: Don't worry Scotty, I'll save you. Jim to the rescue!
Scotty: Blub blub blub.
Scotty zooms through the pipes, heading for a tank filled with razor sharp blades, whose purpose I can't quite figure out. Jim opens the emergency hatch at the last minute, dumping Scotty on the floor.
Kirk: Oh my god, are you alright?
Scotty: *death glare*
Kirk: We should get moving. Someone's bound to spot us.
Scotty: Yeah, you'd think so.
Uh oh! They've been spotted
Chekov: Keptin Spock, zere are intruders in engineering.
Spock: Thankyou Ensign. Security, we have intruders in engineering. Set phasers to stunning.
Sulu: I don't think that's a real setting.
Scotty: Just wondering Jim, do we have an actual plan here?
Kirk: James T Kirk has no need for plans.
Scotty: Oh good, cause a group of armed security guards have just surrounded us.
Kirk: What? How the hell did I miss that?
Scotty: You don't seem to be that observant.
Cupcake: Haha got you. Come with us 'cupcake'.
Kirk: No, you're Cupcake, I'm Jim.
Jim and Scotty are escorted onto the bridge where the whole crew seems to be assembled…well all the ones we care about anyway. Spock looks as pissed as a Vulcan can…which isn't really that much.
Spock: How did you get back on board?
Kirk: I don't have to answer anything until my lawyer gets here
Spock: We've been through this how many times before? I'm the Acting Captain so do as I say. Tell me how you got on board.
Kirk: Mmmmmmmm no. I don't think I will.
Spock: *to Scotty* Are you a member of Starfleet?
Scotty: Uh yeah. *looks between Spock and Jim* But I'd rather stay out of this little spat.
Kirk: You saw what Nero did didn't you? He destroyed you planet and killed your mother. Don't you care? I suppose you wouldn't, seeing as how you're a robot and I don't mean the Austrian terminating kind…or a fembot.
Spock: *Sylar's ominous ticking theme starts up* Mr Kirk….
Bones: Jim, I'd shut up if I were you.
Kirk: You never loved her.
Spock snaps and starts seriously beating on Jim, who tries to fight back, but as we've established, can't win a fight to save his life. While throwing Jim around the room, Spock internally debates whether to slice his head open, or (erotically) choke him. He opts for the latter.
Kirk: *pinned to the consol with Spock's hand around his throat* Help.
The rest of the crew: Uh….*avoids eye contact*
Spock: * lets go at the last minute and looks round, somewhat ashamed at his 'emotional outburst'* Doctor, I am not longer fit for command. *walks out*
Kirk: *pant, pant*
Scotty: This ship is awesome.
Bones: Nice work Jim, now we have no captain. And something tells me you enjoyed that a bit too much.
Kirk: No, no we have a captain.
Sulu: Pike made him First Officer.
Bones: We're all doomed.
Kirk: *sits in the captain's chair* Some friend you are.
Uhura: You better know what you're doing…Captain.
Kirk: Like I said, that ability of yours amazes me. *over intercom* Hear ye, hear ye. This is Jim Kirk, your new captain. Commander Spock has resigned for personal reasons so that means I'm now in charge and I say that we're going after Nero. Anyone who has a problem with that can address their complaints to I don't give a crap, P.O Box: Screw you.
Transporter Room aka the Room of Angst
Spock is staring forlornly at the spot where Mama Spock didn't appear when his father walks in.
Sarek: Son, what is on your mind?
Spock: You really don't want to know.
Sarek: I'm not all that good with this 'emotional stuff', but I'm sure it would help to share.
Spock: My mother is dead, my planet is gone, I want to cut a bitch and I'm sexually attracted to a somewhat moronic blonde cadet.
Sarek: *under his breath* Damn, Amanda was always much better at this than me. Son, I know you're angry, but I believe your mother would say that it is healthy to express you emotions through killing people and blowing things up. She was such a wonderful woman. You once asked me why I married her. It was because I loved her.
Spock: Wow, that's really nice to know Dad, but all this talk of feelings is making me uncomfortable. I don't think this could get much more awkward.
Sarek: Now, as for your cadet problem, I think it's time we had 'The Talk'.
Spock: I was wrong. Dad I know all about sex and I'm so not having this conversation with you.
Sarek: Why not? Your mother and I had sex all the time. In fact there was this one time when you were…
Spock: *sticks his fingers in his ears* Not listening, not listening.
Bones: Jim, you're crazy, this will never work.
Sulu: Perhaps if we were to build a large wooden badger.
Chekov: Keptin, Keptin.
Kirk: Yes Ensign Jailbait.
Chekov: Based on the ship's course from Wulcan, I have deducted…
Kirk: * zones out* blah blah technobabble blah*
Uhura: *smacks Jim* Pay attention!
Kirk: Ow. Sorry Chekov, what were you saying?
Chekov: What I was saying was, Nero will have to fly past Saturn on his way to Earth. We could hide behind one of Saturn's moons, so that he won't just turn around and destroy us, beam aboard, rescue Pike and destroy the drill.
Scotty: That could work.
Bones: How old are you?
Chekov: Sewenteen sir.
Bones: We're all doomed.
Kirk: Yes, yes, you've already said that.
At this moment, after having to bleach his brain to remove the image of his parents having sex, Spock walks back on the bridge. Jim is even happier than before, now that his true love has returned.
Spock: Relax bitches, I've got this.
Spock: Chekov's technobabble is correct. I should know, I'm fluent in it.
Chekov: Technobabble was inwented in Russia you know.
Sulu: No it wasn't.
Chekov *pokes out his tongue*
Spock: I shall beam over to Nero's ship and rescue Pike. Vulcans and Romulans share a common ancestor and that will apparently give me an advantage. Earth is also the only home I have left, so I'd rather not see it implode.
Sulu: Aren't Vulcans like descended from cats or something.
Spock: *shifty eyes* …no. Of course not. Who told you that?
Kirk: Spock, I can't let you go alone. I'm coming with you.
The two of them stare longingly into each others eyes.
Spock: I would remind you that this is completely against regulation, but I know that you won't listen to me.
Kirk: See, we totally get each other. Come on Spock, let's go. *hits him on the arm*
Spock: *raises eyebrow* Humans are so illogical.
Nero is training the drill on San Francisco. An American city, what a surprise. But hey, at least it's not New York.
Nero: Release the Krac…I mean the drill. Yes, release the drill.
You know, the planet with all the rings
The Enterprise drops out of warp behind Titan, one of Saturn's moons.
Kirk: Shh, everyone be quite. Don't drop any spanners, Nero might hear us.
Sulu pilots the ship up and out of a dust cloud to get them into position.
Scotty: Nice work Sulu.
Kirk: We ready?
Scotty: Believe it or not, yes.
Kirk moves onto the transporter pad and only just notices the Spock and Uhura are standing there making out.
Kirk: Eww, het.
Uhura: I will be 'monitoring your frequency'.
Kirk: *smirk* Is that what they call it these days?
Spock: Thank you Nyota.
Nyota walks off the pad.
Kirk: That's her name?
Spock: No comment.
Scotty: I'm going to beam you to the ships storage area so there should be no one in sight.
The two of them appear in, not the storage area, but on the main deck, which is filled with Romulans.
Kirk: Damn you Scotty!
They pull out their phasers and begin shooting at the Romulans.
Kirk: Pew, pew. Spock, you're not making the right noises.
Spock: Urgh. *dead pan* Pew, pew.
Kirk: Much better.
Spock then mind melds with an unconscious Romulan to find Pike and the black hole device.
Kirk: You know where they are?
Spock: Yeah, lets go.
Kirk: Wait, hold on. *rips his shirt* okay I'm ready now.
The Romulans lower the drill into the atmosphere. Cue shots of people running around screaming.
Back on the Enterprise, Uhura runs through the halls on her way to the bridge, knocking over little old ladies, who shake their canes at her angrily.
Sulu: They've turned on the drill, we won't be able to beam Kirk and Spock out.
Uhura: Well shit.
Spock and Kirk have found Spock Prime's ship aka the squidy ship
Kirk: That must be the ship with the black hole device.
Spock: This may be harder that I thought. The ship is more advanced than I expected.
Computer: Welcome Ambassador Spock.
Kirk: *shifty eyes* Wow, that's kinda weird.
Spock: You've been keeping secrets from me.
Kirk: We can talk about our relationship's lost trust later. Will you be able to fly this thing?
Spock: I think I already have.
Kirk: Cool *goes to leave*
Spock: Jim, if something goes wrong, please tell Lt Uhura that…
Kirk: Don't worry, it'll work.
How do you think that sentence was going to end?
…I love her.
…I am leaving her for you Jim.
I'd like to think it was B).
Jim runs off as Spock starts up the ship. Instead of trying to find the door, he simply shoots a hole in the Narada and flies out that way, cause that's how he rolls.
Jim spots Nero, looking all impressive standing up on a ledge.
Kirk: You're nicked Nero. Turn off the drill or I'll…*is whacked over the head by Ayel* Ow! What did I ever do to you?
Nero: *running over and picking Jim up* I know you, from Earth's history.
Kirk: I made the history books? Alright!
For probably the hundredth time Jim gets the crap beat out of him.
Nero: In my universe, you were considered a great man. But now, I shall deprive you of that future. MWAHAHAHAHA.
Kirk: You killed my father.
Nero: No Jim, I'm your father.
Nero: No, not really. I can't back that up.
Kirk: Right, yes, idiot.
Spock: *takes out the drill* Booyah!
Ayel: Captain, the Vulcan ship has been stolen and the drill was just destroyed. Thought you should know.
Holy crap, Nero was full on straddling Jim while he was choking him. Aaaaand cue the fic.
Nero: *super jumps down to a lower ledge and runs off* Open a channel.
Spock: Oh great, it's you.
Nero: I really should have killed you when I had the chance.
Spock: What's that? You're breaking up. *throws a book at the screen*
Nero: Take that ship out.
Romulan 1: But sir, the red matter.
Nero: I don't care, I want Spock dead.
Romulan 1: Your funeral then.
Spock goes to warp before the missiles can hit him.
Nero: A calculated move, straight out of Sun Tzu's ancient text 'The Art of War'. Or my own master work, 'Nero's Big Book of War'. Now quickly, go after him.
Kirk: Eeek. *tries to super jump, but misses and ends up clinging to the edge*
Ayel: Hehe FAIL. *picks him up by the throat*
Kirk: *mutters something*
Ayel: Huh? You'll need to speak up.
Kirk: I've got your gun.
Ayel: That's…not my gun.
Kirk: Urgh gross. Okay, now I've got your gun. *bang*
Ayel falls over the ledge while Jim grabs hold and manages to pull himself up.
Kirk: Jim: 2 ledges: 0.
The Narada appears in front of Spock's ship.
Nero: Uh, can someone tell me why he's flying straight at us with no sign of slowing down? No seriously, someone tell me. Anyone?
Computer: If the ship is hit, then the red matter will ignite and kill us all in a massive fiery explosion of death…just so you know.
Spock: Hey, I don't tell you how to tell me what to do, don't tell me how to…wait where was I going with this?
Oh no, those torpedos are heading straight towards Spocks' ship. He'll never survive this. It's all over. His death will ruin three of my favourite pairings. He's dooooooooomed. We're all doooooooomed. Wait, hold on…what's that? Oh my god, could it be… yes I think it is!
Enterprise: Here I come to save the day. Eat laser bitches.
Kirk: Now, if I were Pike, where would I be? Here Pikey, Pikey, Pikey.
Pike: Kirk, is that you? Oh my god I am so glad to see you. I take back everything I said about you before.
Kirk: What did you say about me?
Pike: Uh, nothing, nothing. Say old buddy, do you think you could get me off this thing? I've spent the last few hours listening to Nero whine about his feelings…oh and the torture, that sucked too.
Kirk: No problem boss. I'm on it. Don't you worry about a thing. At this very moment…
Jim is to busy blabbering on to notice the Romulans that sneak up behind him. Luckily Pike, the BAMF that he his, does. He pulls Jim's phaser from his belt and shoots them.
Kirk:…so there's no need to panic, I've got everything under control. *looks around* Wait, what just happened?
Pike: *faceplam* Never mind that, lets just get out of here.
Kirk: Right'o. *on his communicator* Enterprise, you can beam us out …anytime now…guys…guys…
Spock is still on his kamikaze flight path, and crashes the ship into the Narada.
Romulans: Run away. RUN AWAY.
Narada: What the hell? Why do you lot keep doing that? Seriously, how drunk are you people?
Spock, Kirk and Pike are beamed back onto the Enterprise. HUZAH! Our heroes are alive. Pike kind of looks like crap though.
Scotty: Three people from to different places onto one pad…damn I'm good.
Bones: Stand back! I'm a doctor!
Kirk: That's nice man. Now quick Spock *points dramatically* To the bridge!
Chekov: Zey are loosing power Kiptin. Zis is ven ve destroy zem yes?
Kirk: Not just yet. Hail them.
Kirk: Yes, yes, I'm awesome. We all know that. Down to business. Your ship is loosing power are you're pretty much screwed…but we are willing to help.
Spock: SAY WHAT?
Kirk: To prevent war we'll all have to calm down and play nice. It's logical Spock, isn't that supposed to be your thing?
Spock: Don't you try to tell me what's logical and what isn't. In my opinion, the only logical thing to do is to let him die a slow, painful death. He blew up my planet for gods' sake.
Nero: And I would of gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling humans. And your dumb Vulcan.
Kirk: That's it! No one insults my Vulcan. Blast the crap out of him.
Sulu: Yes! Bowing stuff up is awesome.
Nero: Well shit.
The Narada is simultaneously blown up and pulled into the black hole. Sucks to be them.
Sulu: Uh bad news Captain, we're also being sucked into the black hole. Any ideas?
Spock: I guess sit here and wait for death.
Sulu: Can do.
Kirk: Scotty, get us the hell out of here.
Scotty: I'm giving her all she's got.
Kirk: Give her more dammit.
Chekov: Ve are all doomed.
Kirk: You win again gravity.
Scotty: I could eject the core and detonate it. The blast might push us away.
Spock: Like squeezing air out of a balloon.
Kirk: My god, it's so simple.
The Enterprise escapes the black hole and the crew share looks of relief.
Kirk: We're alive!
Spock and Kirk: SPORK POWER!
Kirk: * looks over at Spock* and now I have a chance to tap that. Ahh, life is good.
3rd Rock From the Sun
Spock Prime: No Spock, I am not our father. I am you.
Spock Prime: *chuckles* Oh to be young and to have not yet met some sort of alternate version of yourself. I figured it was time for us to meet.
Spock: Why didn't you come and tell me everything yourself? Why send Kirk?
Spock Prime: Because you needed each other. You are the original OTP, in any universe. I could not deprive you of a bromance that would define you both, on and off screen.
See, see, even Spock ships Kirk/Spock, or Spork, or Spirk, or even Kock if you want.
Spock: And how did you convince Jim to keep your secret?
Spock Prime: I may have implied that the universe would implode should he tell anyone.
Spock: *raises eyebrow*
Spock Prime: What? He's gullible. Though I'm sure this is something you will discover as his First Officer.
Spock: I am resigning from Starfleet. It is only logical for me to leave and help rebuild our race. I hear 'angsty, last of our kind sex' is amazing.
Spock Prime: Relax, I've got that covered. I've even found a new planet for the Vulcan survivors to colonise. Besides, you'll get plenty of action if you stay on the Enterprise.
Spock: Wow this conversation is getting really weird.
Spock Prime: Just go with me on this one kid. Stay in Starfleet. Now seeing as how my normal farewell would sound somewhat redundant, I will simply say, VULCAN FIVE *high fives Spock, with his hand in the Vulcan salute position*
Spock: My life is weird.
Admiral: Kirk, man, despite the fact that you're only twenty five and you haven't even technically graduated yet, we're totally promoting you. You know what, promotions all round, Pike, you're now an Admiral.
Pike: I'm proud of you son, you've done well in the face of all those you said you were dumb.
Kirk: Yeah, but I proved them! Oh and I'm sorry about the whole stuck in a wheelchair thing, it must be hard…well, I have a ship to fly. So long losers. *walks out*
Audience: *standing ovation*
Spock Prime: *up on the balcony* So many memories…so many cardboard sets.
Sulu: Thrusters ready.
Ckhekov: Shields and vepons online.
Uhura: Dock ready…Captain.
Kirk: *slaps Bones on the back* To infinity and beyond.
Spock: *exiting the turbolift* That statement is entirely illogical.
Spock: Permission to come aboard sir.
Kirk: Really Spock? Here, right in front of the crew? Wow, I had no idea you were that kinky….that's not what you meant was it?
Spock: No, I was merely putting in my application for the position of First Officer, seeing as you don't already have one.
Kirk: My pleasure Mr Spock. Sulu, take us out.
Sulu: Yes sir.
The Enterprise warps out while Jim and Spock continue to male sex eyes at each other.
Spock Prime: Space…it seems to go on forever…but then you get to the end and a gorilla starts throwing barrels at you.
And cause I'm awesome, here's a trailer for the next movie/reboot television series.
These are the ongoing adventures of the starship Enterprise
Captain Kirk meets a fan.
Fan: Wow, James T Kirk. I heard that you once defeated a rampaging hoards of somethings in the something something sector.
Kirk: The Kill Bots, a trifle. Spock, show them the medal that I won.
Spock: Urgh *points to the medal on Jim's chest*.
A trasnsporter malfunction leads to an encounter with a mirror universe.
Mirror Kirk: So does your Spock have a beard?
Kirk: No, no beard. Well, he had a girlfriend.
The guys run into trouble on the planet Amazonia.
Femputer: Femputer sentences them to death…by snoo snoo.
Kirk, Spock and Sulu: Le gasp!
Femputer: The one called Kirk will be snoo snooed by the large women. He who is designated Sulu shall be snoo snooed by the petite women. And Spock, as the most attractive male, shall be snoo snooed by the most
beautiful women of Amazonia, then the large women, then the petite women, then the large women again.
Another transporter malfunction de-ages the crew.
Bones: Get back here you little pointy-eared elf.
Female half of the crew: AWWWWW, little Spock is so cute.
De-aged Spock: This situation is so illogical, it hurts.
Spock turns to Jim for help during his Pon Farr.
Kirk: So let me get this straight, you have to have sex…or you'll die.
Spock: That's about it.
Kirk: Best plot device EVER! *jumps Spock*
Yet another transporter malfunction spits Jim in two.
Scotty: What the hell is wrong with these transporters?
Kirk 1: Whoo hoo.
Kirk 2: Kirk Five!
Spock: Hmmm, two Jims.
Bones: I hate this ship.
Uhura takes a trip over the rainbow.
Uhura and her pet tribble are sent by the munchkins to go find the Wizard. They come across a Scarecrow, in need of a brain.
Scarecrow (Kirk): How rude, I can assure you I have a brain. I even get those things, you know a thought with pictures.
Uhura: An idea?
Scarecrow (Kirk): Yeah, those things.
Tinman (Bones): This is stupid…and I could really use some whiskey.
Lion (Chekov) Raaaar, I'm a bear.
Uhura: Actually, you're supposed to be a lion.
Lion (Chekov): *pouting* I want to be a bear.
Our heroes reach the Emerald City, home of the powerful Wizard.
Wizard (Spock): Welcome all. *to Jim* Now I see that all you need is a brain.
Scarecrow (Kirk): Why does everyone keep saying that?
Wizard (Spock): And you, *hands the Lion, I mean Bear, a phaser* who needs courage when you have a phaser.
Tinman (Bones): Holy crap, it's the Wicked Witch and her army of flying monkeys.
Witch (Gaila): What the hell Nyota?
Monkeys (Sulu and Scotty): Yeah, what gives?
Uhura: Well Gaila, your skin is green…you know what, this is my dream, I make the rules. When it's your dream, you can choose who's who.
Scarecrow (Kirk): Get her.
Oh dear god how many times is this transporter going to malfunction?
Bones: That's it. I'm never using this thing again. Jim for god's sake stop playing with your boobs.
AN: So yeah...Reviews are entirely logical, and they make me feel warm inside.