Obviously, I don't own Portal. Really, I feel stupid even bothering to shoot down the notion that I might.

[Initializing Application/GLaDOS_StandardOperation]

[Initializing…]

[Initializing…]

You will be baked, and then there will be cake. That is all.

Aperture Science hopes that you will find our testing facilities to be safe, secure, and fataaal –

That is – safe, secure, and fun. We apologize for this malfunction, and hope that should our tests result in deaaaath, that you will enjoy… Enjoy… Enjjjjoy…

Becoming cake…

[The application you have selected is currently undergoing maintenance. Rerouting to diversionary program in three… Two… One…]

[Initializing Application GLaDOS_Archive/Storytime]

[Initializing…]

[Initializing…]

[The Aperture Science GLaDOS Archive and Storytime application will stop enhancing the truth in three… Two… One… Truth Enhancement Inhibition successfully launched.]

The program you have selected is comprised of files and surveillance tapes collected after the release of deadly neurotoxin within the Aperture Science Testing Facilities. It is the hope of this processing unit to provide you with an understanding of the events in the interactive file [[Portal]] that is also accessible on this server.

This unit is not responsible for the loss of any ccccake… limbs or vital organs during this explanation. The Aperture Science Testing Division thanks you for your time in reading this forward. Rerouting to Archive_Exposition file in three… Two…One…

A/N: There it is. I really have no excuse for this; I saw Portal, fell in love, and spent too much time thinking. I should probably thank for putting this daft idea in my head, what with their spectacularly outlandish Wild Mass Guessing pages. I took a smidge of inspiration from them (to be noted later), but mostly I just realized that Portal was crazy enough to be fanfic fodder. Please, don't kill me.

Enough ranting. To the important stuff: this will be continued, I just need to polish up some of the next chapter.

I hope you enjoyed this fic, and thank you for reading. I would much appreciate whatever reviews I can get!