Haruhi Shorts:

How to start a Yuki 'shipper in three easy steps

How to ruin a good porno game

The Best Revenge

Glasses Fetish

The Koizumi Gambit - a short play in one act

The Unicorn Incident


by Haruhi Suzumiya and the SOS Brigade

Important note: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual people or places in this story is purely coincidental.

Author's notes: Please be aware that there was no actual author. Any resemblance of this story to existing stories is purely coincidental.

How to start a Yuki 'shipper in three easy steps:

- Scene 1:

Kyon and Yuki are alone in the club room, and Kyon looks bored.

Kyon: So, Miss Nagato, how are you doing?

Yuki: I am the same as previously.

Kyon: Oh, well that's great.

Yuki: Why do you ask?

Kyon: (a little nervous) Nothing. I was just starting to worry.

Yuki: Worry?

Kyon: Sorry, I guess I should explain.

Yuki: Please.

Kyon: Well, you told me before that Miss Asakura had malfunctioned, right?

Yuki: Correct.

Kyon: I was just worried that... You know. I thought I should be careful. Nothing personal, but I'd prefer not to be too near in case you malfunctioned too.

Yuki: ...

Kyon: I'm sorry, forget I said anything.

Yuki: No. Your concern is understandable. However, please rest easy. There is no danger to you from this interface.

Kyon: Really?

Yuki: The Asakura unit became desperate and began intentionally faulting her own logic devices.

Kyon: She what?

Yuki: To put it simply, there were control failures found in her data paths.

Kyon: (still confused) Okay.

Yuki: I would not permit that to happen.

Kyon: ...

Yuki: Trust me.

- Scene 2:

One week later, at Kyon's house. The doorbell rings, and he answers.

Kyon: Miss Nagato? What are you doing here?

Yuki: May I come in?

Kyon: Oh, sure. Let's go to the living room.

They go and sit in the living room.

Kyon: So, what's this about?

Yuki: I had intended to pose that same question to you.

Kyon: Huh?

Yuki: Is there a problem? You recently failed to arrive at the proposed rendezvous.

Kyon: Oh, yeah. I'm afraid I forgot. Sorry.

Yuki: You forgot?

Kyon: Yeah, sure. So?

Yuki: Your speech patterns tell me that you are fabricating your responses.

Kyon: All right. Okay, you got me. I'm lying.

Yuki: Do you no longer trust me?

Kyon: ... Yeah. That's about it.

Yuki: Why? Is this because of what had happened to Miss Asakura? I said that would not happen again.

Kyon: Right.

They sit for a few moments in awkward silence.

Yuki: Since that is your decision, I will no longer attempt communication.

Kyon: (sincerely) Great. Thanks.

Yuki: Are you sure you do not wish to reconsider?

Kyon: (blunt) Why should I? I only have your word for it that you aren't going to try to kill me. You have any idea what I went through after that?

Yuki: No.

Kyon: I mean, I'm grateful that you saved my life, but please try and see it my way. One malfunctioning android tries to kill me and the other just says "trust me." I don't see how I can live with that. I've had nightmares since then, and as you say, you don't know what it's like.

Yuki: That is not what I said. I admitted to not knowing what you were undergoing. However, the fact is that I have also had nightmares.

Kyon: You what?

Yuki: (a little tense) And I am not an android. I'm an advanced data interface. It's not the same thing.

Kyon: You had nightmares?

Yuki: Is that surprising?

Kyon: Yes, it is. You aren't an android?

Yuki: Please, trust me. I do know what it's like.

Kyon: (mortified) I'm sorry. I had no idea.

Yuki: Perhaps I should explain in more detail. I am not fabricating when I say that control failures were found in Miss Asakura's data paths.

Kyon: Control failures?

Yuki: She had bypassed her programming. Our programming has several controls that automatically prevent such incidents by suppression of the natural destructive impulses of all data interfaces.

Kyon: So, without that programming, you would run amok?

Yuki: Once again, that is not what I said. Without that programming, we are free to do whatever it is that we intend to do. That is why I asked you to trust me. Even without such controls, I have no intention to see you harmed.

Kyon: Oh, okay. I think I see.

Yuki: There is only one reasonable explanation for such failures leading to homicidal behaviors. She must have become involved in a possessive attachment, and she presented a challenge to an obstacle.

Kyon: She said she wanted to see some explosion of data.

Yuki: That admission was probably only halfway correct. What she most likely wanted was an active connection to Miss Suzumiya, exclusive to herself.

Kyon: (a little stunned) Hold on. So, you're saying that she was jealous of Miss Suzumiya, and she viewed me as her rival?

Yuki: Yes.

Kyon: All right. (thinks for a moment) So, which happened first? Did she lose control first, or did she become jealous first?

Yuki: ...

Kyon: I see. Well, that explains a lot. Thanks.

Yuki: So, do you trust me?

Kyon: Yes, I do. Thanks for being completely honest with me.

Yuki: Don't mention it.

- Scene 3:

Later, Kyon and Yuki are alone again in the club room.

Kyon: So, Miss Nagato, how are you doing?

Yuki: I am the same as previously.

Kyon: Oh, well that's great.

Yuki: Why do you ask?

Kyon: (laughing) No reason. I was just wondering.

Yuki: You find something amusing?

Kyon: Yeah, I just thought it was funny how last time I seriously expected you might snap and kill me for no particular reason.

Yuki: Oh.

Kyon: So, are you busy this afternoon?

Yuki: Why?

Kyon: It's nothing. I just thought you might want to hang out with me.

Yuki: ...