I never could see Remus being able to have a relationship with Tonks, this is what I believe that he would say if he wrote a letter explaining why he could not be with her. It's short and bittersweet.
Ever since I was a little boy, I have been a werewolf, considered the scum of the Wizarding World's shoe. I transform into a monster every month, and people have always feared it. It took me a long time to realize that people did not fear the werewolf as much as how little control I had over the monster. People all have their demons, but they are suppressed, hidden. I could not hide the werewolf, and it made people worry about the monsters that I was able to hide away.
I could never blame them, despite being dismayed at their behaviour, if only for the fact that I could not say I am that much different then them. The wolf, even when in it is not the full moon, and I work so hard to not let it control me, just like they do – or at least pretend to.
I wonder how I would be towards werewolves if I were not one myself. Would I hate them, or merely fear them? Is my personality strong enough to stand up for minority rights – even if I was not one?
But being hypothetical will not change anything. I am a werewolf, as I will be for the rest of my life. Yet I wonder what would happen if I were not a werewolf. Would my personality drastically change? I am first inclined to say no, but that is not true. The werewolf has changed me, whether or not I wish to admit it.
I would not have to hide who I am. I would not fear that every action I make would hurt somebody else, as I have hurt others enough. I would not have to feel the bitterness and jealousy towards those who have not suffered, who are lucky enough to laugh without feeling a twinge of sadness What I am most jealous of though is those who can love and make love without the anxiety of fear. I wish that I did not have to fear losing myself to the wolf. The wolf does not understand the difference between making love and rape, and I fear that I will lose control one day.
Losing control is my biggest fear. When that full moon stares down at me, making the painful change of turning my natural self into the monster, I lose control and I cannot prevent it.
Even the Wolfbane only helps a little.
They do not know how it truly works. I do not truly have my mind intact, the wolf is merely stopped from controlling my actions. I still must hear its hateful words screaming in my head, telling me that I must tear, skin, and kill in order to be a true werewolf. And when it cannot, the pain is unimaginable. It is like it tears away my mind instead of others, and in a way that is better.
I would rather suffer myself then to subject this to anyone else.
This is why I cannot be with you, despite the loving emotions that I feel towards you. Although I am not a monster, the werewolf is. If I was to be in love, my control, the one that I have fought so dearly for, will slip away. I fear that I will hurt you, or worse, kill you. I would rather suffer for your sakes then for you to suffer for mine.
I truly hope that you understand, if I could change myself for you, I would. But I cannot risk losing you, even if it means I never completely have you in the first place.