A new story from your favourite (pfffft) author... ME! :D

Biiiiiiiiiiiig thanks to my buddy YezzerBezzers who helped me figure out how I'm going to write this and her continuous support with all my stories. Thanking you (: (I only used a few lines from your example for pm-ed me) BTW credit to Yezzer for first question. People gotta send me in some Qs okay?

It was a reasonably normal night for Emmett Cullen.

Playing 'Call of Duty' with his brother Jasper, and winning. Gloating about his skill, and enraging Jasper.

Being beaten by Emmett seven times in one night was enough to send Jasper storming out of the room after smashing the controller on the ground in anger.

And having your soul mate retreat from his hijinks with Emmett in frustration was enough for Alice to follow him. Since now, Jasper is far away from home.

Alice probably saw this coming, but she felt he needed some time away from Emmett and spend more time with her, even if it meant destroying Jasper and Emmett's moods.

Emmett sighed quietly to himself, annoyed, knowing that there was no-one else to for him to play with.

Resnesmee is always off with Jacob. Edward with Bella. Carlisle at the hospital, working at the time consuming job he loved so much. Esme was always cooking, cleaning or gardening. Rosalie was always looking at herself in the mirror and trying to make herself even more pretty than she already is.

Emmett would rather check the computer for any e-mails. Call of Duty can wait until tomorrow; Jasper will cheer up eventually and demand a rematch, as always.

He's always pleased with what he gives to the needy women who ask him for help. It's pleasing. But there may have been a mishap at least once, or twice. Taking it a little too far on his reply. He didn't mean to offend her. He was only telling the truth. Then again... the truth hurts like a **. He still doesn't blame himself, just the lady coming in with a stupid question.

Emmett taps his fingers impatiently as he waits for the computer to start up.

He jumps a few centimetres off his chair at the usual sound of the computer telling him he has mail. He looks around, looking to see if anyone noticed his blunder. Of course, they did. But this was a nightly occurrence so his family has grown accustomed to Emmett's idiotic actions.

Emmett pushed his horn-rimmed glasses up his nose with the same finger he uses to flip off all the men who check out Rosalie.

He read his first, and only, e-mail.

Dear Uncle Emmett,

I'm having some troubles with my boyfriend.

You see, he works very late at night, and sometimes it worries me. The time changes once he is out "working".

Like, one night he'll be home around ten o' clock, and the next day he'll be home around twelve!

He even stumbles into the bedroom, sometimes. I did the laundry the other day, and I saw lip-stick smeared across his shirt.. from the inside. I figured that maybe some slut hit on him and kissed him and then he hid the "evidence" by wiping it from his shirt. Though, I don't see why he wouldn't tell me?

Why do all men try to hide things? Was HE worried?

I want to think that he's being faithful, but I did smell some other girls perfume all over him.

I don't know, but my question is:

Is my boyfriend possibly cheating on me?

Signed,

A very worried gal

Dear a very worried gal

To answer your question, yes.

Your boyfriend is possibly cheating on you. POSSIBLY.

But what you do about it is up to you. But this is an advice service, so I'll give you my honest advice.

I know the truth hurts like a punch in the gonzalas, but the truth is the truth and the truth is always truly truthful.

If you want to stay with your boyfriend, believe this:

Your boyfriend likes to dress up as a woman. Yeah, you read it. No, the spellchecker didn't screw up my e-mail.

Any old advice service would just tell you that your boyfriend is being unfaithful, but being the creative, fast-thinking man I am, I use my noggin and uncover the true truth that most people don't think about ;)

This explains the lipstick and perfume. The lateness and drunkenness? You haven't been to a transvestite party have you?

I think it's obvious why he didn't tell you. I can just see your jaw dropping to the ground and your eyes popping out of your head, like Tom when Jerry manages to escape from his furry clutches for the one millionth time, failing just like plankton in stealing the krabby patty formula.

So weigh the pros and cons of having a boyfriend that likes to dress up as a girl.

Cons:

It is kind of DISCUSTING.

You won't be invited to his transvestite parties unless you dress as a man, and shove socks down your underpants just like he shoves socks in his bra (which by the way, he borrowed from you)

He may have more girlfriends than you.

Dare I say it; he may even be prettier than you.

Pros:

He has GREAT taste in handbags, purse, jewellery, clothes. So you will get wicked presents.

Someone to go shopping with, without constant whining.

When you move in together, he will totally agree that the peach wallpaper goes with the beige couch and cream carpet.

He's much tidier than a normal dude, trust me.

He won't complain that eating your pink cupcakes will destroy his manhood, which was destroyed the second he put cherry lip gloss onto his lips because they were chapped.

He will give the BEST makeovers. Trust me, I know.

Hey, look at that! More pros than cons!

Talk to him about it. And if you accept his lifestyle, live a happy life with him in a modern mansion with your three future kids, Cinnamon, Paris and Destiny. (I dibs god-father)

Okay, now that will be $100. I kid, I kid. No seriously.

Gimme my money,

Uncle Emmett.

Who loves reviews? I DO! I DO! Writing this story would be so much easier if you wonderful reviewers could send Uncle Emmett some questions to answer so I don't have to come up with them myself. (They can be about ANYTHING. Problems, facts, advice, Emmett's favourite food? ANYTHING.)