I finally find a way to hold the tear in my eyes as I watch you walk away. I arms fall to my side and as if I were going to hug you but you walked away. As more tear come I realize I can't hold them in anymore and they start to run down my face. No one was there to catch them. I'm all alone, left to die. You were the one person I knew could help me. The one person like me, my one friend who understood me… but now you have left me to fight for my life and hope I find the light on the other side. You were the one person who knew what I was but, one-person knew and then another did, an on an on it goes till the world knows. I try to tell my family but I'm afraid of what they will think. What they will do to me. My dads always complaining about gays, bisexuals, and cross-dressers. So if I were to tell them what would they think? They would hate me, disown me. I just want them to know so badly. Maybe ill tell them when I can drive away and leave with out looking back and maybe I can just tell them and stay to let them kill me. This life I live with them is a fake. They think a person I'M not. They believe in some world I'm a great kind who likes dude only and does all he work and sings cause I'M happy. Really I'M just a screw up who doesn't do any of them I saying cause I'M sad or being forced to sing. Everything I have been thinking is …horrible only some can be told. What I thought at first of u before you left me is…. That I had to dress how u wants me to dress, I had to put make-up on the way you want me to and obey everything you said. Now I have realized now that you gone is I don't care what you think I'M my own person I do what I want when I want. This has made me weak but now I have to grow strong to not go back to you because the worse you treated me the more I wanted you. I don't know what it was that made me want you but there was something strange. As my eyes swell with tears they bring back my worst fears. People don't realize the pain I go through, but still nothing is new. The past just makes me wonder about what the future holds for me. I start to look to see what could be but there is nothing in my sight. The little light of fire that sits by my side slowly starts to fade out and it grows dark like my soul. You were my fire but now that you're gone my life is left in the pitch black dark with no light forever. As I walk by her I saw her turn away. She didn't say a word. As I went further and further I could here her voice, I could here her friends beckoning for her to come. I didn't know what to do. Do I just keep walking or confront her. She was like a puzzle confusing but her eyes like an ocean. All she would say was amazing things about me. I don't know what happened between us. One day you just left me and I was more lost than anyone in a forest alone with no guide. I don't care anymore life is stupid and we are just people who shouldn't be here so I sit here watching the people be happy and cheer wile I sit here and cry. I am a monster what I have become has frightened everyone so I have a reason to cry. If only I had a reason to smile and be happy like everyone else I wish I had that one friend who understood me, but I don't so I guess ill half to suffer. Life is life. Also it's kind of like a ball. You get thrown from left to right hoping someone will catch you every time, but if they don't you fall on the cold hard ground. People say I'M smart, people say in stupid. The worse thing about this is the same person calls me both. So what am I smart or stupid, I don't know which to believe. Other people tell me it's not my fault but all that person tells me is that it's my entire fault. He is a drug and I am addicted to him, but not has a lover but as a friend that I need. Right now he has me in his grip and I'M not even sure if he likes me as a friend any more. I wish I could be free; free from his grip. Its like he is vice grips and I am the pipe he wants off, gripping me tightly. He bends and twists me anyway he wants me. Just wonder though if I was free what I could do with my life. Some of my greatest fears lie with in this book I write in. Through these pages not only are my fears and tears I shed, but my friends and family. From cover to cover with no lock; nothing holding anyone back from finding out what I feel. My feelings I write down in here I normally don't want anyone to read them, but I'M not holding it back if someone was to take it. My storey is my life and my dreams. Sometimes I can't wait to fall asleep to escape to my dream world. Sometimes in my dream world it's beautiful and sometimes its not. In my world there is no prices and white horse, but there is a normal house. I have my mother there with my father also. I go to school just like a regular kid except it's a little different here. At school people like me; everyone does. In real life I'M not that luck. I have my close friends like Grayson, Melz, Jake, Hannah, Mariah, and Bryson. Jacob and Bryson are family. They know I'M bi but only jakes understands me with it. Sometimes I feel even he doesn't. Oh and I cant for get Sam and Cassie but right now I'M not happy with Cassie cause she acts weird around me now that she knows the monster I am. I don't like her like that so I wish she would chill with it. She is just a friend and that's all I want her to be. It would be weird to be anything else. I still love her and the rest of them though! My friend Melz always talks to me. I'm hoping to stay the night at her house soon. I have planned a mega game we can play. Last night I dreamed of my world again. Jacob and our parents were there. This time my dream felt real. I dreamed I was lying in his arms crying my eyes out in his lap. Crying cause everyone knows what I am. I dreamed my parents found out. They hated me so I ran to his house with some of my clothes. I had planed to never come back. I realized here was my new family; this is where I belong. I have a feeling this day might come true. I fear some how they will know; know of this disease I have. I can't prevent this disease cause I was born with it I have liked a girl before I did a dude. I've been hiding it for many years. Right now I'm not sure if I even like guys. That's what I told my mom and that's why I'm here; in jakes arms crying. There ant much difference between Jake and I that's why we get along….most of the time. He tells me he try's to find a way to make me mad but here in my dream world but here in my dream he is conferring me. Hes trying to make me feel better. I guess that's one of the reasons people say I'm obsessed with him when really I think I'm just waiting for him to be like in my dream. A nice and great friend who don't try to piss me off. Now the feelings I'm feeling is so confusing. I don't know what to do. I lay here in his arms and he starts to cry also. I ask why he is crying and he said it's because he doesn't like seeing me crying it upsets him.