Well, here is a story that I knew would be completely stupid. But I couldn't get the idea out of my head, no matter how many times I slammed my head into the wall. So I came up with the solution of writing the damn story. But even though it is idiotic, hopefully you will at least find it somewhat amusing. If not...well I'll just have to bang my head some more, won't I?
The Klondike Bar
Takuya: *is holding a video camera with it directed at his face* Okay, so I had the greatest idea of all time! I've decided that I'm going to go around asking people what they would do for a Klondike Bar! I'm going to call my documentary "What Would You Do for a Klondike Bar?" Isn't that genius?
Me: *is carefully sharpening my knives* Uh...not really... Don't you have anything better to do?
Takuya: Nope! *points camera at me and holds up a Klondike Bar* So...what would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Me: Bite me... *tests one of the blades by poking the tip* And get that goddamn camera out of my face before I shove it up your ass.
Takuya: O_O; Uh...okay...but... you would bite yourself for a Klondike Bar?
Me: *points knife at him* Leave now...Or I'll stab you to see how sharp this thing really is.
Takuya: *runs away in fear of getting stabbed*
[Cuts to Takuya standing in front of his friends. Amongst the group is his crush, Zoe, his moody and angsty friend, Kouji, Kouji's twin brother, Kouichi, and Takuya's youngest friend, Tommy. J.P. is somewhere else at the moment.]
Zoe: Uh...Takuya...why are you holding a video camera and a box of ice cream bars?
Kouji: Yeah, you look like an idiot.
Takuya: I'm going around interviewing people to see what they would do for a Klondike Bar. And I'm not an idiot!
Kouji: I beg to differ...
Takuya: Eh, shut up, Kouji. Anyway, I'm going to interview you guys first.
Kouichi: Do we get a Klondike Bar if we answer?
Takuya: Sure, why not. *looks at Zoe* So Zoe...what would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Zoe: *thinks for a moment* Go to the store and buy one.
Takuya: Uh...anything else?
Zoe: Um...maybe I would buy one from an ice cream truck.
Takuya: *sighs in annoyance* Jeez, Zoe! Can't you think of anything other than the obvious? Give the people what they want!
Zoe: Fine, you want a better answer? *gives Takuya the puppy eyes and rubs herself up against him* Taki...can you give me that Klondike Bar?
Takuya: *hands her half of the bars in the box* Anything for you... *drools*
Zoe: ^_^ How's that for a Takumi moment?
Takuya: *wipes the drool off his face* Okay, let's continue.
Kouji: *unenthusiastically* Yay...
Takuya: So, Kouji...what would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Takuya: ...I said...what would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Kouji: ... *twitches for some reason*
Takuya: Dammit, Kouji! What the FUCK would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Kouji: *suddenly goes ballistic and begins to run around while slashing people with a huge razor blade* KLONDIKE BARS!
Takuya: O_O Uh... *watches as Kouji goes into a convenience store* What the hell...?
Kouji: *steals all of the Klondike Bars and then locks himself into the bathroom of the store* Minez!
Takuya: I never knew how much Kouji likes Klondike Bars...
Kouichi: Yeah, you wouldn't expect him to like anything that doesn't relate to rude behavior or bandages. He pretends not to care about Klondike Bars, but after about thirty seconds he goes nuts. He's a bit on the unstable side...
Takuya: Yeah, no kidding. *points camera at Kouichi* So, Kouichi...what would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Kouichi: *suddenly grabs the box of Klondike Bars that Takuya is holding and runs off* Mwahahahahahaha! THEY'RE MINE NOW! ALL MINE!
Takuya: Hey, get back here, you son of a bitch! *chases after him him* Kouichi!
Kouichi: *climbs onto a rocketship that appeared out of nowhere and launches himself to the moon* Mwahahahahahaha!
Takuya: Argh...now I gotta go buy another box of them...fuck... *runs into another store where Kouji hasn't stolen them all*
Zoe: -_-; This is going to be a long day...
Tommy: You're tellin' me...
Takuya: Okay, I'm back!
Zoe: So we noticed...
Takuya: *points camera at Tommy and holds up the box of ice cream bars that he just bought* So, Tommy...what would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Tommy: Nothing, because I don't care for them. Now if you don't mind, I've gotta go play a 24-hour marathon of video games. See ya *walks away*
Takuya: Oh... *stands there dumbfounded for several seconds before he hears crickets chirp* Now what?
J.P.: *shows up out of nowhere* Hey, guys! What's up?
Takuya: Oh, J.P, you can be the next person I interview! *holds up the box of Klondike Bars* So, J.P.-
J.P.: FOOOOOOOOOD! *suddenly charges at Takuya while resembling a giant Pac-Man*
Takuya: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! *runs away from the hungry boy* J.P.! Knock it off!
J.P.: FOOOOOOOOOD! *continues to chase Takuya via Pac-Man style*
Takuya: Get away from me! *runs into a health food store*
J.P.: *stops outside of store and shudders* Ugh...not worth it... *walks away*
[Takuya is now in school because he had nothing better to do than to wander in. Since today was a half-day of school, the classes have already ended for the day. However, many people are still roaming around because they have absolutely nothing better to do either. Zoe is keeping Takuya company and making sure that he doesn't do anything insanely stupid...well, other than what he normally does. The first person Takuya interviews at his school is his soccer coach.]
Takuya: So, Coach...what would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Coach: The question is not 'What would I do for a Klondike Bar?' The real question is 'What would a Klondike Bar do for me?'
Takuya: Uh...okay...? *exchanges a confused look with Zoe*
Coach: You see, Takuya, it's all about getting your priorities straight. In the end you gotta think about yourself. Number One! Numero Uno! Get what I'm saying?
Coach: Well, for one thing, I could sell these Klondike Bars to people at insanely high prices to scam them. That would benefit me, since I'd be the one raking in the idiots' money. Or I could blackmail them into buying one if they're not stupid enough to fall for the high price.
Takuya: Oh, I get what you're saying...so you'd screw people over.
Takuya: Right...um...I'm gonna go now... *gives his coach a Klondike Bar and leaves* Come on, Zoe! Let's go find someone else.
Zoe: Okay. *follows him*
Takuya: Hey! There's Kanami! One of the girls from our Chemisty class.
Zoe: *mutters* Yeah, the school slut...
Takuya: *approaches Kanami* Hey, Kanami.
Kanami: Hi there, Takuya. *tries to 'subtly' lower her shirt to reveal her cleavage*
Zoe: *eyes narrow into hatred*
Takuya: So, Kanami...what would you do for a Klondike Bar? *points camera at her*
Kanami: Anything you want, baby... *winks at him and and flashes him her thong-clad ass*
Takuya: O_O Uh...I see...
Zoe: *gets completely pissed off* That's my man, Bitch! *gives Kanami a kick right out of the third-story window Bruce Lee style* So back the hell off!
Takuya: Yay! I've got two girls fighting over me!
Zoe: *throws a bomb out the window after Kanami* Whore!
Takuya: Haha! Good job, Zoe! Now let's go interview Mrs. Hiraki! I'm sure that History teachers enjoy ice cream bars!
Zoe: Alright. *follows Takuya*
Takuya: Hi, Mrs. Hiraki.
Mrs. Hiraki: Hello, Takuya. Hi, Zoe. What are you two up to? School's already out for the day.
Takuya: I know, but I'm making a documentary so I decided to come here to interview the idiots-I mean, the school faculty and whatever students I happen to run into. Would it be okay if I interviewed you?
Mrs. Hiraki: Sure, I don't mind.
Takuya: Okay. So, Mrs. Hiraki...what would you do for a Klondike Bar? *holds up box of Klondike Bars*
Mrs. Hiraki: *suddenly grows stern* I'll take those! *takes the box* No ice cream allowed in school!
Mrs. Hiraki: I'll put these in my desk and then you can have them back tomorrow.
Takuya: What? But they'll be melted by then! And school is out for the day!
Mrs. Hiraki: Detention! Don't use that tone of voice with me!
Takuya: I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm just-
Mrs. Hiraki: That's another detention for backtalking me!
Zoe: O_O *thinking* Bi-polar bitch...
Takuya: But I didn't even-
Mrs. Hiraki: That just earned you another detention!
Takuya: ...What did I do that time?
Mrs. Hiraki: ...Nothing...I just want company after school. My cats don't like me back at home and my husband ignores me to play World of Warcraft all day! I need someone to talk to!
Takuya: O_O; Uh...
Zoe: ...Well then...I think we should leave for now...
[Takuya is now outside, wanting to escape the hellhole known as school. He bought yet another box of Klondike Bars and is currently lurking around with his video camera, where he runs into a cop and what appears to be an escaped convict. Zoe is behind him with an uneasy feeling]
Takuya: *runs over to the cop and the convict* Hey, Officer Bacon Bits! What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Officer: The name is Officer Asano, kid. And what I would do for a Klondike Bar is...trade a dozen donuts for one! Those things are the greatest!
Takuya: Ah, I see. *looks at the convict* And what would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Convict: I would beat up the pig right here and take his.
Takuya: Hmm, interesting.
Convict: No...actually, I wouldn't do that. First, I'd hit him over the head with a cement block and crack it open so that his brains begin to leak out. And then, I'd beat the hell out of him, cut off his limbs, and decapitate him.
Takuya: O_O Really...
Convict: Yup, and then once he was hacked into bits, I'd wrap the parts in plastic wrap and send them down the fucking river! Then I would take his Klondike Bar and eat it.
Officer: Hahahaha! What a colorful imagination. Now let's get you into the cruiser.
Convict: *punches the cop and runs away* Come and catch me, Dipshit!
Officer: Hey, get back here! *chases after him*
Takuya: ...Good thing I got this on tape. Now I have something else exciting to watch at night. Well...other than the videos of Zoe...hehe...
Zoe: Wait, what did you just say?
Takuya: Nothing! Come on, let's go interview that guy in the suit over there! *drags her over to the guy in the suit*
Zoe: *drops the subject for now but is still suspicious* Fine...
Takuya: *stops in front of the guy* Hey! I don't know you, but I want to ask you two questions. First off, what's your name?
Guy: Umm, Keita...Why are you holding a camera?
Takuya: *ignores Keita's question* And the second question is...What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Keita: *shrugs* I don't know, whatever I guess...
Takuya: *thinks for a moment* Would you...jump up and down on one foot?
Keita: Yeah, sure. *jumps up and down on one foot*
Takuya: Would you...stick a finger up your nose?
Keita: Yup. *sticks a finger up his nose*
Takuya: *snickers to himself* Would you...shoot someone?
Keita: Hell yeah, I would. *takes gun out of his jacket and randomly shoots someone across the street*
Zoe: Oh my god! *hides behind Takuya in hopes that he will serve as a shield*
Takuya: O_O I was only joking...
Keita: You were joking?...Oh...
Takuya: *slowly hands him a Klondike Bar* Here...just take it... *runs away while pulling Zoe along with him*
Keita: *shrugs and eats his ice cream bar*
Takuya: Look, Zoe! An old guy! Let's go ask him!
Zoe: He looks like he's lost...
[They approach the old man who looks as though he can't remember the time, the day, or what his name is for that matter.]
Takuya: You! Old man! What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Man: A what? What did you say?
Takuya: I said...what would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Man: A Klondike Bar?
Takuya: Yes, a Klondike Bar. What would you do for one?
Man: Mmmmmm...Klondike Bars... I remember when those things first came out in the year 1922. The sweet vanilla ice cream that was covered in a layer of chocolate...
Zoe: I have a feeling that this will take awhile...
Takuya: *to the old man* Well...what would you do for one?
Man: They used to cost only a few coins back in the day. Now they're expensive...just like all of your fancy technology and other confusing gadgets nowadays! Nothing is cheap anymore! I can't stand this generation of whippershnappers with your iPods and iPhones and iEverything!
Man: You kids with your pants hanging down your keisters...and your loud rap music...and those godforsaken rubber animal bracelets! Have you kids no shame?
Takuya: *hides his donkey-shaped bracelet* I have no idea what you're talking about...those things are for losers... But...I gotta go! Here you go! *hands the man a Klondike Bar and runs away*
Zoe: *runs after him* Why do I keep following this moron?
Man: ...Where am I? *looks at the ice cream bar in his hands* Oh, a Klondike Bar! Mmmm...I remember when those things first came out in the year 1922. The sweet vanilla ice cream that was covered in a layer of chocolate...
[Cuts to Takuya and Zoe standing in front of a building where a dentist is leaving her office.]
Takuya: Hey, dentist woman! I wanna ask you something.
Dentist: My name is Dr. Nakumura, young man. And what is your question?
Takuya: Okay, Dr. Nakumura...what would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Dr. Nakumura: ...Wha-what did you just say? *eye twitches*
Zoe: I have a bad feeling about this, Takuya... *tugs on his sleeve*
Takuya: I said...what would you do for Klondike Bar?
Dr. Nakumura: Klondike Bars are made of ice cream! Ice cream is made with sugar! Sugar causes cavities!
Takuya: So...what is your answer?
Dr. Nakumura: I'll show you my answer! Get over here so I can drill away those cavities that you probably have from eating so many Klondike Bars! *pulls a drill out of her white coat*
Takuya: Oh, shit! *runs away*
Dr. Nakumura: Get back here, young man! There is still a chance to save your teeth from rot and decay!
Takuya: But they're not rotten or decayed!
Dr. Nakumura: But they will be if you keep eating those accursed ice cream bars! *waves drill around*
Takuya: *runs across the street, narrowly avoiding being hit by a bus*
Dr. Nakumura: Come back here! *runs into the street, only to be swept away by a large street sweeper*
Takuya: Ha ha! Victory is mine! *eats a Klondike Bar* Come on, Zoe! My house is right down the street!
Zoe: *checks to make sure that there aren't any more street sweepers, then runs across to join Takuya* Why don't we ask your mom? We know that she won't attack you with a drill.
Takuya: Good idea! See, that's why I like you! You're hot and smart! Don't see many people like that nowadays!
Zoe: -_-; Uh...thanks...
Takuya: *he and Zoe go into his house and are greeted by his mother* Hey, Mom.
Mrs. Kanbara: Hi, Takuya. Hi, Zoe. What are you guys up to?
Zoe: Takuya's making a documentary and I'm following him to make sure that he doesn't do anything stupid...
Mrs. Kanbara: Good! He needs to be watched at all times.
Takuya: *ignores those comments* So Mom...what would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Mrs. Kanbara: For a Klondike Bar, I would show everyone your ADORABLE baby pictures since they're so precious to me! ^_^
Takuya: O_O; Uh...what?
Mrs. Kanbara: *pulls a photo album off the shelf* Yup. Your pictures mean the world to me! Would anyone like to see Takuya's baby pictures?
[Kouji, Kouichi, Tommy, and J.P. come barrel-assing into the room. They, along with Zoe, gather around Takuya's mother to see the pictures]
Mrs. Kanbara: Okay, let's take a look-see! *opens album*
Takuya: MOM, NOOOO!
Zoe: Awww! Look at Takuya in his little pajamas! They have dinosaurs on them! So cute!
Kouichi: Hahahahahaha! They're the feetie pajamas!
Takuya: Hey, my mother picked those out, not me!
Mrs. Kanbara: And this is Takuya on his very first Halloween. *shows picture of Takuya wearing a fluffy bear costume*
Zoe: Awwwwwww! Takuya's so adorable!
Takuya: *turns bright red* Really?
Kouji: Ahahahahahahahahaha! You look like a loser!
Mrs. Kanbara: And this is a picture of Takuya lying on his changing table. *shows a picture of Takuya lying naked on his stomach, with his butt exposed for everyone to see*
J.P.: Haha! He's mooning everyone!
Kouji: Looks like Takuya was a streaker!
Zoe: I could just pinch those cheeks of his! In fact I think I will! *pinches Takuya's butt*
Takuya: *turns even redder if possible* Gimme that! *grabs the album and lights it on fire* Okay! The pictures are gone...finally...
Mrs. Kanbara: Let's look at the doubles! ^_^
Takuya: O_O; D-d-doubles?
Mrs. Kanbara: Yup. You didn't think that I didn't keep copies, did you?
Takuya: Uh, come on, Zoe! Let's go! *drags her outside* Damn, that was so embarrassing...
Zoe: I thought it was the cutest thing. ^_^
Zoe: *nods, then notices some guy across the street* Hey, do you want to ask that guy over there?
Takuya: Oh, good idea! *runs over to the guy* Hello!
Guy: Hi! I'm Ted and I have no problem with telling complete strangers what my name is! Are you interviewing people or something since you have that camera?
Takuya: Yup. So do you mind if I ask you a question? Well...I just asked you a question... So I'm going to ask you another one.
Ted: Sure, ask away.
Takuya: Okay. So, Ted...what would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Ted: I would dress up like a monk in a Snuggie and moon the whole world!
Takuya: Very interesting answer!
Zoe: *nods in agreement*
Ted: Or, I would make friends in an elevator and make them join my hippie circle! I'm not a hippie, but I would become one for a Klondike Bar!
Takuya: That's a cool idea! Anything else you'd like to add?
Ted: Or I would open a noodle stand and accept only live chickens as currency! Or I would have a condom balloon party! Or I would attempt to rob a bank dressed as a gnome! Or I would put mosquito netting around my work area and play tropical music sounds all day long! Or I would go to a store, hide in a coat rack and scream 'Buy me!'
Zoe: Wow... O_O;
Doctor: *suddenly shows up with a group of orderlies* There he is! Get him! And don't let him escape this time!
Ted: Or I would undress store mannequins, and then redress them! *begins to get dragged away*
Takuya: *angrily goes up to the doctor* Hey! I'm videotaping this guy! What the hell are you doing?
Doctor: I'm sorry, young man. But Ted escaped from his padded room for the forth time this week and needs to go back.
Takuya: Why? I don't think that he's crazy.
Ted: Or if there were people walking ahead of me, I would run between them and yell 'Red Rover'! *gets thrown into a large white van with bars on the back window for Ted to look out through* Or I would attempt to fit myself into a large gym bag! Or I would dress up as Pedo-Bear and chase the children! *is driven away*
Takuya: ...I'm gonna go write those ideas down for later. ^_^
Zoe: *facepalm* Why am I not surprised?
Takuya: Hey, look! It's Kouji's ex-girlfriend, Ayumi! Let's go ask her!
Zoe: *follows him, even though she knows that it's a stupid idea*
Takuya: *points camera at Ayumi* So, Ayumi...what would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Ayumi: What would I do for a Klondike Bar? *smirks evily* Well first, I'd track Kouji down. And then I'd beat him up, steal his wallet, and while he's knocked out, I'll begin to plot his demise!
Takuya: All of that for a Klondike Bar?
Ayumi: Hell, yeah! I would do it even if I wasn't offered a Klondike Bar! Now where is he? I want to 'talk' to him. *uses air quotations for the word 'talk'*
Zoe: *somewhat nervous* We don't know where he is.
Takuya: No, he's right there, Zoe. He's behind that military-like barricade, hiding in a tank.
Kouji: *pops his head out of the top of the tank, a helmet on his head* Dammit, Kanbara! You just gave away my position!
Takuya: That's for laughing at my baby pictures! So take that, Emo!
Ayumi: Ah-ha! I have found you, my love! Let us run away together, and have many little emo babies who look just like you!
Kouji: Are you kidding? You're borderline psychotic!
Ayumi: Is that a problem, Kouji? Is it? *face spasms with twitches*
Ayumi: If you refuse, I'll cut myself...and then...I'll cut you!
Kouji: Hmmm...that's a very tempting offer... But I'll have to pass! *drives down the street in the tank, crushing several cars in his way* I'm getting a damn restraining order against you!
Ayumi: You can run, Kouji! But you can't hide! *hops onto a Pegasus and goes after Kouji * I will find you! No matter what!
Takuya: Okay, now to send this to America's Funniest Home Videos!
Zoe: Nothing left to do, I guess. Let's go.
[Cuts back to Takuya interviewing me, which is really pissing me the hell off.]
Takuya: What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Me: I believe that I already told you to get that damn camera out of my face.
Zoe: Takuya, don't provoke her. She's even more psychotic than Ayumi...
Takuya: Oh, come on! Just give me an answer and I'll leave you alone!
Me: No! You'll never get an answer from me, you pain in the ass! But why don't you ask yourself that question, Idiot? What would you do for a friggen Klondike Bar?
Takuya: Me? I would...um...I would...dammit, what would I do?
Zoe: *begins to read a book* This is going to take awhile...
Me: *wanders away while he is deep in thought*
Takuya: Uhh...Well, that isn't important! Hey...where the hell did she go? Oh, well! *looks into the video camera to record himself* And that is my documentary "What Would You Do for a Klondike Bar?" I hope you guys liked my amazing video taping skills, as well as my awesome interviewing charisma! Now ask yourselves...what would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Me: *walks by with an ice cream cone because I don't want a blasted Klondike Bar* -_- Just ignore him...he'll go away eventually...
Takuya: Oh! I know what I would for a Klondike Bar! *grabs Zoe and kisses her passionately*
Zoe: *is in a dreamy daze but hands Takuya five boxes of Klondike Bars that have appeared out of nowhere* That was nice...
Takuya: Wonder how many bars I'll get if I take her to bed with me. ;)
And that has been my ridiculous Klondike Bar parody. Stupid? Yes! Amusing? Maybe! Anyway, as I said, I only wrote it to get the damn idea out of my head, and now that I've done it, I don't have to bang my head into the wall anymore!