Here is just a pointless, perverted crack-fic that I felt like writing. It makes no sense, is completely idiotic, and will lower your IQ. Enjoy!
"Look! There they are!" Sixteen year-old Takuya Kanbara exclaimed.
The teen was lurking outside of a brick building with four of his best friends. Each of them were wearing a trenchcoat and fedora, hoping to remain 'invisible,' as Takuya had put it, though the idiot had probably meant 'inconspicuous'. Accompanying the brunette were Kouji Minamoto, and Kouji's brother, Kouichi Kimura, both of them also sixteen. Seventeen year-old J.P. Shibayama was loudly eating a bag of chips, including the bag itself, while fourteen year-old Tommy Himi was holding up a water pistol and pretending to be part of the Yakuza...or, well...Leon Kennedy from the Resident Evil 4 video game. Although technically, the Yakuza wore suits from the last time I checked. So did Leon in his Mafia-type outfit. Never saw any one of those guys wearing a damn trenchcoat other than Inspector Gadget. However, Tommy decided to humor himself by impersonating Leon Kennedy.
"You'll never catch me alive, you stupid zombies!" He called out, squirting passerbys with the water pistol. "And tell Salazar that Cap'n Crunch wants his outfit back!"
"Tommy, focus!" Takuya hissed, dramatically looking around and rolling from one end of the building to another. "We need to concentrate on our mission."
J.P. squealed with stars in his eyes. "To see girls!"
"And to stalk them!" Kouichi added happily.
"And to...show them the beauty of cutting," Kouji muttered.
The five teen boys continued to stare through the glass of the building, their faces almost pressed up to the point where they looked deformed. The building was a new clothing store called 'Ed's Clothing Store' as the owner, named Ed, had been too lazy to think of anything original. He had also put up a sign with his famous slogan; "Just buy our crap already." It was a very catchy slogan. Either that or people were too stupid to think otherwise.
"Just look at her," Takuya moaned, little hearts in his eyes. "Look at that smokin' body. LOOOOOOOOK!"
His loud tone caused the others to jump in surprise, banging their faces into the glass window. Of course, he was talking about his long-time crush, sixteen year-old Zoe Orimoto. Zoe was browsing around the store with four of her own friends, unaware of the stalkerish boys lurking around outside. She had long, golden-blond hair, and emerald eyes. A white, sleeveless, fitted top clung to her body and showed off her flat stomach and sizable chest. A short jean skirt and white sandals completed her outfit, making Takuya want to do...'things' to her.
"Look at her chest," Takuya drooled. "And that skirt! Come on...bend over...let me see your panties..."
Kouji wasn't looking at Zoe, but at her friend, Kimiko. Kimiko was a year younger than Zoe, being fifteen years old. She had long black hair and green eyes that seemed to have a sadistic look in them. But Kouji liked the violent girls, so it was a turn-on for him. Kimiko's outfit consisted of a casual red spaghetti-strapped summer dress and red flip-flops.
"Ah, Kimiko...there's nothing better than a violent girl...and a hot one for that matter," Kouji sighed. "And that ass...oh, god...I wanna smack it."
"I like older women," Kouichi commented. "Like Julia...god, she's a woman!"
Kouji rolled his eyes. "She's seventeen, you idiot. Not twenty-five. She ain't that much older than you."
Kouichi simply ignored his brother, licking his lips as he watched the slightly older girl. Julia had light blue hair that hung all the way down to her waist, and onyx eyes. Soft bangs fell over her forehead and, although her hair hung loosely down her back, the sides were pulled back and tied with a purple ribbon. She wore a low-cut purple tank top, tight dark blue shorts, and white and purple sneakers. A gold bracelet was secured around her left wrist, adorned with purple gemstones.
"Julia's got a nice ass, too," Kouichi said dreamily. "Look at that ass in those tight little shorts of hers... And her boobs! Look at her boobs! LOOK AT 'EM!"
J.P. was concentrating on Zoe's friend Natsumi, a seventeen year-old girl in the same grade as J.P. Natsumi was the tallest of the girls, with long red hair tied into a ponytail and bright blue eyes. She had long legs, a flat stomach, and good-sized breasts. Her outfit consisted of blue shorts, a light green halter top, and green flip-flops.
"Natsumi runs track you know," J.P. shared with the others. "She's fast...and she looks fucking hot as she's running with beads of sweat running down her body...and her boobs go up and down...up and down..."
"Nah, I like Lucy," Tommy said. "She's freaking adorable."
Lucy, the youngest of Zoe's friends, was fourteen years old. She had big blue eyes, and her light brown hair was braided into two low pigtails, giving her an innocent and child-like appearance. She was wearing a a pink cami top, tan capri pants, and pink sandals.
"She is cute," Takuya speculated. "But too young for my tastes. Zoe's the only one for me."
"So, how are we going to do this?" Kouji asked.
Takuya chuckled. "Just follow the girl you like and stick with the plan. Do whatever it takes to attract them to you. Pull down their shirts, look up their skirts, stare at them in a creepy manner...girls like it when guys act perverted."
Kouichi raised an eyebrow. "How do you know?"
"Seeing how I am...well, me, I know everything about women!" Takuya shouted.
The others sweatdropped. "Right..."
"Okay, everyone got their camcorders and giant butterfly nets?" He asked.
"Yup," his friends answered enthusiastically, holding up said-items.
Takuya held his up as well. "Then let's go! But first, ditch the trenchcoats and fedoras!"
Everyone but Kouichi stripped their coats and hats off, discarding them into the nearby dumpster. However, Kouichi turned bright red and held his coat closed tightly.
"Kouichi?" Takuya cocked an eyebrow. "Uh...why aren't you taking that stuff off?"
"I uh...didn't realize that we were supposed to wear clothes under them," Kouichi said in a hushed voice.
"WHAT?" The brunette's mouth gaped open as the others burst out laughing. "What do you mean by that? Obviously we were supposed to wear clothes under them!"
Kouichi turned even redder, if possible. "Shhh! Don't fucking shout it."
"Kouichi, you're a friggen IDIOT! I-D-I-O-T! IDIOT!" Kouji exclaimed. "I mean, this is stupidity that I would see on Takuya's level. Not yours!"
The bandana-wearing teen was immediately conked over the head by the handle of Takuya's net. "Shut up, Kouji! First off, it was a simple mistake on your brother's part. And second off, I am not an idiot!"
"Well, at least we're at a clothing store," J.P. pointed out. "Kouichi can just keep the coat on until he buys an outfit here."
The others gasped in surprise at the idea, as if J.P. had revealed the location of the Holy Grail. The hefty boy backed away from them slightly, uneasy about the awed expressions on their faces.
"That's genius!" They cried out.
"I'm only stating the obvious," J.P. told them.
Tommy took the lens cap off his camcorder. "But if it was so obvious, how come none of us thought of that?"
"I don't know!" J.P. exclaimed, throwing his arms up in exasperation. "Can we just go in already? I wanna see Natsumi's bra!"
"Okay, let's go," Takuya replied, peeking through the glass again. "Looks like the girls are splitting up to look around on their own accord. This should make our part easier."
He led his friends through the door, with people eyeing Kouichi suspiciously. Seconds later, they were walking down the aisles, in pursuit of the girls they were lusting after.
"I'm gonna go this way," Takuya said. "I'm pretty sure that's the way Zoe went."
Before anyone could reply, he sped off so fast that he left a trail of fire in his wake. The others simply shrugged and began to disperse through the store as well, ready to 'bag' the girls of their dreams.
Takuya hid in a coat rack, peering through the articles of clothing as he watched Zoe, who was standing by a nearby display of dresses. The blond was currently holding a tiny, strapless black dress in her hands, taking a look to see what size it was.
"Oh, buy that," Takuya murmured, already picturing her wearing that dress.
A woman who was rummaging through the coats accidentally grabbed Takuya's butt and immediately drew her hand back with a yelp.
Takuya turned to her, his face etched with insanity as he held his butt protectively. "Back off, Lady!"
The terrified woman screamed, booking it through the store as if she had just seen the Grim Reaper. Zoe frowned slighty at the woman's odd behavior, before shrugging and holding the dress up to herself to get an idea of how it would look on her.
"Damn, she'd look so hot in that," Takuya said wistfully, recording her actions with his video camera.
"I'll say." A dark figure wearing a hooded cloak stood outside the coat rack, a scythe clutched in its skeletal hands.
The brunette threw him an annoyed look. "Shouldn't you be chasing the woman who just grabbed my ass?"
"Oh, yeah. Duty calls." The figure floated ominously down the aisles, in pursuit of the woman.
Takuya watched Zoe lustfully, before twitching as Zoe put the dress back. No! He screamed to himself mentally. She needs to buy that so that she can wear it in front of me!
"Buy it!" He called out in a demonic voice.
Zoe jumped, looking around with wide eyes. However, she nervously picked the dress back up and began to dash through the store, clearly freaked out by the random call from the coat rack.
"Zoe! Wait!" Takuya scrambled out of the rack, getting tangled up in the articles that had been hanging on it. "Wait for me-ee!"
The blond whirled around in the time to see Takuya trip and face-plant onto the rugged floor, flinching as he landed. Yet the brunette was not so easily hurt and sprang back up.
"Hi, Zoe!" He said excitedly, practically in her face. "How's it going?"
"Uh, hi." Zoe blushed slightly from the closeness. "What are you doing here, Takuya? I thought you were hanging out with the guys for some 'guy time'."
"Oh, that?" Takuya laughed nervously at the excuse that he had told Zoe earlier to separate from her while scheming to spy on her. "Well...we came here because Kouichi needed to buy an outfit."
The girl shifted the dress in her arms. "Ah, I see. Well...I'll let you get back to the others so that you can have your much needed 'guy time'."
"Zoe, wait!" He pushed her up against the wall, his chocolate eyes filled with lust. "I would much rather hang out with you!"
"Sorry, Takuya. But I'm hanging out with the girls right now. But I'll go out with you tonight if you want," she told him.
Takuya felt as if an explosion of celebration fireworks had gone off in his heart. "Really? You'll go out with me tonight?"
"Sure. You, me, and the guys can go and grab some ice cream or something if you want," Zoe replied.
The fireworks immediately changed into a lone firecracker that someone had stuffed into a mailbox. "Oh...okay..."
"Well, see you later," she said, gently pushing him away to free herself from the wall.
"No!" He cried out, wrapping his arms around her. "Stay with me! STAY WITH MEEEEEE!"
Zoe's eyes were wide with surprise as she was crushed up against him. In fact, he was hugging her so tightly that her supply of oxygen was becoming limited.
"I want to hang out with you!" He continued, not realizing the force he was using on the girl. "I don't want to hang out with those LOSERS!"
Zoe tried to pull away, finding it futile since her arms were pinned to her sides from the hug. "Takuya, I-"
"And I'm sure you would rather spend time with me instead of those crazy girls, right?" The idiotic brunette kept up on his babbling.
The blond was unable to kick him either, as she was at an awkward angle where she couldn't get a clear shot. "Takuya-"
"MARRY ME!" Takuya exclaimed crazily. "And wear that little black dress when we do! Only virgins can wear white and by the time it's our wedding, you won't be a virgin anymore!"
In desperation for air, Zoe did the only thing that she could to release herself from Takuya's bone-crushing embrace. Since her arms were virtually pinned down to her sides, they were close to Takuya's waist. She managed to move her hands slightly, just so that they were actually on his waist going towards his lower back.
Takuya misinterpreted it as a hug and squeezed her even tighter. "I LOVE YOU, TOO! LET'S GO HAVE SEX NOW! WE CAN DO IT IN A DRESSING ROOM!"
However, Zoe suddenly clutched onto Takuya's exposed boxers, yanking them as much as they could. The force of the pull gave Takuya a painful wedgie, thus causing him to let her go.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" He went to go pull his underwear out of his ass just as Zoe barrel-assed it through the store. "ZOOOEEEE! WAAAAAIIIIT! YOU CAN'T ESCAPE FROM MEEEE!"
The brunette sped through the store after her, knocking an old woman out of the way as he did so. The woman fell backward into her shopping carriage, the carriage now rolling through the aisles from the momentum.
"OUTTA MY WAY, GRANNY!" Takuya yelled over his shoulder.
The old woman huffed in rage. "GRANNY? What do I look like to you? Some backwoods, pipe-smoking old hag in a rocking chair?"
Yet at this point in time, she wasn't in a much better position with the carriage rolling through the store. Takuya continued to pursue the lust of his life. Sure, normally it would 'love of his life', but with the fact that he's a horny sixteen year-old, we'll just call it 'lust' for now.
While Takuya was chasing a very freaked out Zoe, Kouji was sneaking up behind Kimiko with his butterfly net clutched in his hand. Kimiko was currently checking out a shirt that read 'Fuck with me and you'll get a foot in the ass.' Once he was close enough, Kouji did what was probably the dumbest thing he could've done. He reached out and gave her rear end a hard smack.
Kimiko whirled around angrily, looking as though she would rip Kouji to shreds. "What the hell?"
"Hey, Kimiko," Kouji said with a smirk. "How have you been?"
"How have I been? HOW HAVE I BEEN? I'LL SHOW YOU HOW I'VE BEEN!" With that, the raven-haired girl jumped and spin-kicked Kouji across the store.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Kouji flew into a wall, crashing to the carpeted floor a moment later. "Ow... Damn, that girl is badass!"
Kimiko was charging at him at full speed. "You bastard! I'll kill you for smacking me like that!"
"Oh, shit!" Kouji scrambled to his feet and booked it down the nearest aisle.
Yet the pissed-off girl continued to pursue him, and soon caught up with him. She tackled him to the floor, then climbed on top of him. Normally the emo boy would've realized how much peril he was in. But being just as horny as Takuya at that moment, which was out-of-character for him, he simply smirked up at her.
"I like it when the girl's on top," he told her. "Show's me that she likes to be in control."
Kimiko glared down at him. "Oh, I'll show you who's in control."
With that she began to punch him with fury, letting her fists pound into him. Kouji laughed, basking in the pain that was being delivered.
"I like it when a girl hits me, too!" He exclaimed. "Yeah! Let me have it!"
While Kimiko was being the bandana-wearing twin to a bloody pulp, a now casually dressed Kouichi was following Julia a few aisles down. Julia was checking out a display of leather coats, debating on whether or not she should buy one. The short-haired twin was standing directly behind her with his video camera, chuckling pervertedly.
Sensing a creep behind her, Julia turned around and raised an eyebrow. "Uh...may I help you?"
"I just wanted to ask you a question," Kouichi said innocently.
Julia eyed him, suspicious. "And what question would that be?"
"Did it hurt?" He asked.
"Did what hurt?" The blue-haired girl looked at him as if he were insane.
Kouichi grinned, now aiming the camera at her chest. "Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven? Because you look like an angel!"
Julia rolled her eyes at the lame pick-up line. "No, because I reside from Hell. Now if you don't mind, get that damn camera off my chest!"
"Okay, I don't need this thing anyway." With that, Kouichi swung his giant butterfly net downward to trap her inside. "Haha! Now I can take you home with me!"
"Hey! Get this thing offa me!" She exclaimed, trying to rip the netting with her nails.
The short-haired twin smiled. "Oh, using your kitty claws? Meow!"
Julia turned red. "Why you little-"
"Time to go home now!" Kouichi merrily yelled out, dragging her away.
Many customes stared at the teens with shocked expressions. Others simply sweat-dropped and wished the girl luck on her escape route. Cursing to herself, Julia took a hunting knife out of her purse and began to cut away at the netting. Kouichi, being the oblivious dope that he is, didn't even notice as she crawled out of the trap.
"We can go to my house and play cards, and eat pizza, and watch scary movies, and play Monopoly, and tell ghost stories, and eat ice cream, and plan our wedding, and-" Kouichi rambled on like a psychopath, unaware that his object of affection had not only escaped, but was in the process of retaliating.
Elsewhere in the store, J.P. had approached Natsumi and had freaked her out with his odd behavior. He was now chasing the girl through the store, though it was more of joke than anything else. Face it; a girl who runs track is easily going to outrun someone like J.P. who can barely run at a decent pace in the first place.
"Natsumi!" He cried out. "Wait for me! I want you! I need you! I HAVE TO HAVE YOU!"
The redhead glanced over her shoulder and sped up even more. Cursing himself, J.P. pushed a man off his motorized scooter and began to chase after her on it.
"Shit," Natsumi muttered, noticing that he was drawing closer. "Gotta lose this kid..."
She ran into the shoe department, where the spaces between the displays were a bit too close together. J.P. attempted to get through on the scooter, but it got stuck halfway through the first space he drove through.
"Come on, you blasted thing!" He hit the scooter. "Onward!"
Realizing that it was an inanimate object and didn't understand human commands, J.P. had no choice but to climb off. He managed to get off, but not before falling face-first onto the floor in the process.
"I'm okay!" He shouted to no on in particular as he heaved himself up.
The plump boy continued to go after Natsumi, hellbent on catching up on her. In another part of the store, Tommy was standing with Lucy in the purse department.
"What do you think about this one?" Lucy asked, holding up a silver and black bag.
"It's nice," Tommy replied. "But it doesn't go with the outfit you're wearing. How about the pink and gold one?"
Lucy grabbed the said-purse, hugging it tightly. "Oh, this one's sooo pretty! I love it! Thank you, Tommy!"
Unlike his idiotic friends, Tommy had opted to approach Lucy in a different way. Instead of being a total creep and videotaping her, he had simply gone up to her and complimented her on her outfit. Naturally, Lucy had been impressed rather than freaked out like the othe girls. And this is why Tommy is currently the only one who has a girlfriend now. He had expected to be the least experienced with girls since he was the youngest. Irony at it's greatest.
But since the authoress is a die-hard Takumi fan and doesn't give a rat's ass about the other couples portrayed in this ridiculous story, she's going to focus on Takumi now.
"Zoe! Get back her!" Takuya shouted like a lunatic. "I can't live without you!"
"Dammit, Takuya! Stop being so creepy and maybe I'll stop running!" She shouted back.
However, with his soccer training, Takuya eventually caught up to her and tackled her to the floor. In the process, part of Zoe's shirt slid down her chest, revealing her white lacy bra. Takuya had also conveniently landed so that his face was basically pressed into the blond's chest. Upon seeing the sexy undergarment, Takuya promptly had a nosebleed.
"Daaaayyyuuuummmm!" He exclaimed.
Seconds later, Zoe's white bra had turned crimson from Takuya's over-the-top nosebleed. Exhausted and severely annoyed, Zoe simply laid there and sweat-dropped.
"Well, Takuya...you got me... Now what do you want?" She asked. "And you're buying me a new shirt for ruining this one!"
"All I want is a date," the brunette told her. "Well, for now at least... Just you and me. The other guys can go screw themselves and watch reruns of Jersey Shore. Which I hate."
"That's the Devil's show!" A priest randomly called out. "The Devil's show, I say! Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna go home and watch The Exorcist on my new High Defintion big-screened TV!"
The priest booked it out of the store, but not before grabbing a little boy out of a carriage. But don't worry, the boy's mother caught up to the priest and beat him into a oblivion with her heavy purse. Good thing her husband had decided to give her shopping money in the form of solid gold bars. Of course, she had made him an excellent sandwich to get such an amazing form of money. The sandwich had been cut into the shapes of dinosaurs; her husband's favorite!
"So, will you go out with me?" Takuya asked, finally looking at her for the first time without insanity in his eyes.
Although he was a lunatic, Zoe couldn't help but blush. He was attractive, she had to admit. And although she would never say it out loud, she found crazy guys to be insanely sexy. As does the authoress. But what type of the people the authoress is attracted to is no one's business...or care for that matter.
"Okay...I'll go out with you," Zoe finally replied.
Then again, it's not like she would've allowed to say 'no'. Neither the authoress nor Takuya would allow it. Not in this perfect world, dammit! Not this utopian paradise of Takumi!
Takuya leaned down and planted a soft kiss on Zoe's lips, leaving a bit of blood on her face from his nosebleed. He then stood up and pulled her up with him, staring directly at her blood-covered chest.
"I guess I owe you a new shirt and bra," he said sheepishly.
"Just go wash up while I pick some new clothes out," Zoe told him.
However, Takuya dragged her into the men's room with him, wanting a make-out session with her. Zoe obliged willingly, although Takuya's tissue-stuffed schnoz made it rather awkward. But they worked around that one little obstacle because this is a perfect Takumi paradise! Anything is possible! If a pink hippo wanders into the store playing a saxophone, that is completely normal in this crackhead world! Ha ha!
While Takuya and Zoe had their hot, intense, and somewhat bloody make-out session, the other guys had found victory as well. In the process of beating Kouji to a pulp, Kimiko had lost control of one of her punches and ended up clocking herself right in the head, rendering her unconscious. She was now being dragged away in Kouji's net, the camera pointing directly up her skirt.
Kouichi had managed to catch Julia, who was also currently unconscious. Yet unlike Kimiko's accidental knock-out, Julia had purposely banged her head into the wall repeatedly until she had passed out. She just couldn't take any more of Kouichi's lame pick-up lines. They were that painful. Since she had cut his net earlier, she was slung over his shoulder. But Kouichi had positioned her so that she would face the opposite direction and was face-up rather than face-down. That way he was able to oogle her breasts while she was out cold.
J.P. had almost lost Natsumi because of the drastic speed difference, but had experienced a turn of luck at the very last second. While trying to book it for the door, a meteor had crashed down from space and blocked the entrance. There were no casualties other than the clown that had decided to wander in but didn't make it through the door. But he wasn't important and all is good. But anyway, because of the blocked door, Natsumi had been unable to escape through that way. J.P. had had convinced her to go out with him by bribing her. He told her that because of his video camera, he could record her track sessions and send them to 'people' to get her into the Olympics. Natsumi had agreed, but was a bit too clueless to realize that the only shots of her that would in the camera view would be her bouncing boobs and tight ass. However, it worked out well for J.P.
Tommy had already won Lucy over with his amazing girl-interacting skills that the other guys should probably pay attention to. He was carrying some of her bags, as Lucy was a bit of a shopaholic. But she repayed him by giving him a big kiss, so he was a lucky little bastard that was getting more action than anyone else.
Well, everyone other than Takuya, who was still having a strange make-out session with Zoe in the men's room. The only other people in the bathroom were a deaf old man who had no clue what the hell was happening as he washed his hands, and some other crazy guy who thought that his stall was a church confessional booth.
"I had an affair with my wife's boss," the crazy man said, thinking that Takuya was a priest of some sort on the other side of the stall. "And the worst part is that my wife's boss is a man! I was only curious! I didn't know that a serious relationship would come out of it! But he said that if I sleep with him every Monday, he'll give my wife a raise by the end of the month. Of course, I took the offer for the sex. But I told him not to give my wife a raise because she's only going to spend the extra money on junk food, which she does not need! See, this is why I looked elsewhere for pleasure! Am I going to Hell or not?"
"Fuck yeah!" Takuya yelled out as Zoe pressed herself up against him.
The man thought for a moment and nodded. "Eh, it was bound to happen. Have a nice day, Father."
The man then left and hooked up with the saxophone-playing hippo on his way out through the roof since the door was still blocked. Hey, it was still thinner than his wife. And then everyone lived happily ever after in this deranged world that the authoress calls 'Takumi Land'. Well, except for the crushed clown. But as stated earlier, he was not important.
Well, my ridiculous crack-fic has come to an end. And you know what, I'm proud of the sheer stupidity of it! So flame me for I care, ha ha! I will not be discouraged in this Takumi paradise that I have created! *hugs knees and begins to rock back and forth* Takumi Land! Takumi Land! I wanna live in Takumi Land! Please review if you wish to join me in this dreamworld! Mwahahahaha!