I've borrowed Madea's writing machine so I can share my literary talents with you again. I hope everyone likes it; 'The Littlest Hippogriff' is a wizarding classic, but since the author clearly had no personal experience with hippogriffs, I thought it prudent to make the necessary changes.

Also, 'You are forever responsible for what you tame' was copied by some muggle, and Madea made me give credit to this St. Expery bloke.

Do write me back,


Once there was a little hippogriff, who, despite being small by hippogriff standards, had all the vicious impulses of the elders of that species. Because the plot demands it, his peers bullied and excluded him, probably from meetings where they plotted to maul innocent young wizards who impinged their enormous pride. One would think it would make more sense to listen to include the maniac at least nominally, because the littlest hippogriff knew where they slept.

One day, this young hippogriff was looking for some humans to maim, and chanced across a specimen, a scrawny fellow gathering fungus. The littlest hippogriff paused in his rage fueled inner monologue and appraised this target.

"Hello there, wizard."

The wizard dropped to his knees and pressed his face into the dirt. "P-p-p-lease, Mr. Scary Great Hippogriff, sir, don't maul me."

Seeing that this was an unworthy target, and having had his pride flattered, the hippogriff ate all the fungi and walked away, feeling a little better about himself. He went down the road a bit and came on another wizard, whose elf was gathering fungi for him while he sat under an umbrella with a cool drink, as is fitting and proper. Also, his wife was there, and so the wizard was making her let the elf do the work, as is also fitting and proper.

Cocking his head arrogantly, the hippogriff demanded the rakish young wizard humble himself as the other one had. "Indeed, no' said the wizard. 'Can't we just agree to get along without that sort of thing?"

With absolutely no provocation, the vicious snarling hippogriff charged the handsome and impeccably turned out wizard, nearly squashing the elf. The wizard jumped to his feet and heroically defended his wife, who would no doubt scold him later. Not that he minded, because she was so damned cute when she tried to make him guilty about something.

The hippogriff growled terribly and tried to slash with it's huge and terrible talons of death, but the wizard was too quick for it, and shielded them. Mad with blood lust, the howling creature struck out again and cut the poor bloke's arm deeply, causing him to sink to the ground with a manful grunt and nothing further.

His wife jumped up and ran to help. "Please, hippogriff, don't kill my husband. I require his constant care and guidance. Won't you come home so we can talk this over?"

The hippogriff thought about it and agreed. Everyone knows hippogriffs are horrible creatures, and that particular one was probably plotting to kill them in their sleep or something, but no one said they were stupid.

Unfortunately, it quite liked their estate, which was the most beautiful in all England. It refused to leave, and since it was below the wizard's dignity to argue with a creature that considers strangled ferret gourmet fare, they allowed the filthy thing to hang about, doing small useful chores, and chasing the elves, which was diverting.

In return they fed it delicious squishy dead things and plotted a way to rid themselves of the foully feathered menace. Soon it had got too fat to fly, but it was happy.

At this same time, the other hippogriffs, having sated their lust for the suffering of innocent wizarding children, discovered they were in a bad way for some reason (I don't know why, stop looking at me that way). In an illogical act of optimism and total disregard for precedent, they went to find the littlest hippogriff, probably to ask for money.

The littlest hippogriff listened to the importuning of the others with no expression on his hideous face. After, he waited a long moment and said solemnly "You tossers expect my help? What'll you give me?"

"We'll be forever grateful, and also this fungus we found."

"Sod that. I mean, you actually think that'll influence me? Idiots."

And since they had no good answer, he sent them on their way. And so, because they'd not be smart enough to find a wizarding friend, they all died.

And so the littlest hippogriff realised he'd learnt a valuable lesson : We are forever responsible for what we tame, which is to say that by taming the humans with violence and intimidation, he'd made them responsible for his well being, and lived a life of privileged ease because they were too scared to try and drive him off, and also that he could do the absolute minimum and get rewarded for it.

Unfortunately, the dashing wizard was loads smarter. Waiting until the littlest hippogriff was sleeping off a raid on the wine cellar, the wizard craftily disposed of it, mounting the head as a warning to any other hippogriff who might have the same idea (some more had moved into the old stomping ground by then).

And even the wife didn't mind much, because the thing had been a first class arse, and eaten them out of house and home. So perhaps a better moral would be: don't intimidate others into letting you sponge off of them, lest you die friendless and brimful of fine Salerian red.

Or something.