Money Back Guarantee!
Disclaimer: All familiar characters belong to Marvel.
A man dressed in a black and red costume, with two swords on his back and machine guns on either side, strolled in. He waved,
"Hi out there in TV land. Oh, wait, this is a fan fiction story. Sorry."
He cleared his throat and said,
"Hi out there in Internet land! I'm Wade Wilson, the Merc-with-a-mouth Deadpool! You're probably wondering why you're reading this? Well, I gotta tell ya, even though it's been great appearing everywhere in Marvel, those idiots decided not to charge me for the extra appearances. I was mad, but, they said they had some stuff that, if I could sell to you, the viewing audience. No, wait; the reading audience, then they might pay me. So, let's get to it!"
He held up a bottle of shampoo with Deadpool's face on it,
"Now, have you always wondered how I get so clean and remove all those bloodstains from my uniform? I use this, Deadpool's Super-Ultra-Mega-Industrial Cleaner! Great for getting rid of blood stains, pieces of brain, and wine stains! Better yet, you can use it like a shampoo!"
Bullseye came on stage. The marksman shook his head,
"I don't know. I mean, I want to get clean, but I don't like having dry skin afterwards."
"Don't worry! This shampoo moisturizes as well!"
Bullseye was ecstatic,
"It does? Thanks, pal!"
He snatched the bottle, slammed a fifty on the table, and eagerly went to try it out.
Deadpool sighed happily,
"My first customer. Hopefully, not my last."
He cleared his throat again,
"Moving on. Now, as an experienced mercenary for hire, I can say that I have had a lot of experiences, both good and bad times. I've been often asked why I haven't had a protégé around to teach the ropes to. Simply put; I AM DEADPOOL! DEADPOOL NO NEED SIDEKICK!"
He looked quizzically out,
"Bob is not my sidekick; he is my servant, like Jarvis is to Tony Stark. He gets me everything I need…"
Deadpool pulled out a book with Deadpool's picture on it,
"And you can too, with Deadpool's Guide for Being a Super Bad-Ass Mercenary! For $99.95, you too can learn how to rig bombs, invade a foreign country, make a Hydra goon defect to your side, and, most importantly of all, how to become so successful, you get featured on variant Marvel covers from every Marvel series imaginable."
He tossed the book to the side, hitting Wolverine as it did. The feral mutant cried out,
"Ow! That hurt, Wade!"
Deadpool, ignoring the comments heard, continued,
"Now, in order to be a successful mercenary, you have to have a good weapon. Here, let me show you…"
He pressed a button and a wall of numerous guns, swords, and other weapons had rotated behind a wall. Each weapon had Deadpool's face on it. He continued,
"Now, I specialize in every weapon you see here, and weapons you don't. Everything from bazookas to boomerangs; shotguns to shot glasses, machine guns to fax machines; I do it all."
He pulled out a grenade launcher,
"And, each weapon has my face on it, letting you know it is the top of the line in quality and killing power."
He accidentally fired a round off. There was a loud explosion, followed by,
"Oh my God! He just blew up my car!"
Deadpool grinned underneath his mask,
"You see, ladies and gentlemen? It works!"
He put the grenade launcher on the table and pulled out a shotgun,
"Now, this little baby is great for hunting. Watch!"
He walked to a window and fired in the air. Falcon shouted,
"AAAHHHH! I'm hit!"
The mercenary laughed,
"Oh, that is so totally going on my wall."
Bullseye came out of the shower, dressed in only a towel. He had scabs all over him, making him look like Deadpool. Wade smiled,
"Hey, buddy! How do ya like the new shampoo?"
"YOU NEVER TOLD ME I'D LOOK LIKE YOU!"
"Oh, come on, Bullseye, buddy! Everyone wants to look like me! I mean, if I didn't exist, Marvel would have to go to the government to get bailed out!"
Bullseye grabbed the grenade launcher and chased after Deadpool,
"Come back here, Wade!"
The chase was on. Deadpool, however, was still on his sales pitch,
"Some restrictions do apply, but, if you order in the next ten minutes, I'll throw in unlimited ammo for free! I only accept cash! Sorry, no CODs. Void where prohibited!"
He ducked anther grenade. Bullseye shouted,
"Come back here! I want my money back!"
Deadpool shouted back,
"Sorry, no refunds."
End of One Shot