Disclaimer: I own only myself. And sometimes I'm not even sure about that… anyway. Many sequels may be in order. ;P Or not. Whatever. Strange moods create strange fics.
Note: You know, if I really did end up in Smallville, the resulting transcript would SO not be appropriate. I mean, really. Clark and Lex? Heaven! Oh, and John Schneider might mysteriously end up dead…
Some Girl was walking through cornfields.
"This is fun," she said to the kid tied to the cross. "I'm walking through cornfields."
"Hey, look," he said, gesturing with a weak finger. "There's some rocks hurtling this way."
"Oh, cool," Some Girl said. "Where's Lex?"
"Who's Lex?" the kid asked.
"IF YOU DON'T KNOW I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU," she yelled. The kid said nothing.
Suddenly Lex showed up. He was like eight years old and had red hair.
"No, no!" Some Girl protested. "The look, the shape! It's all wrong!" She gave a dramatic sigh and brought out her scissors. "It will all have to go." She approached the terrified boy.
"Aaahh!!" he yelled. "Get away! I like my hair!" Some Girl chased him through the cornfields.
"Um, guys?" the kid on the cross said. "The rocks are still coming." Nobody heard him.
A few minutes later disaster had struck. Lex lay on the ground, trembling violently, tufts of pretty red hair sticking out from his nearly bare skull.
"Lex? Lex!" his father yelled, and came running to make sure the heir to his throne was not hurt. When he got there he gasped.
Some Girl held her scissors in a triumphant pose, surveying the incidental destruction that the meteors had wrought. Somehow she and Lex had escaped the blast, though Lex looked as if he hadn't.
"What did you do to him, you evil girl?" Lionel gasped.
Some Girl shook her head. "You know, there's no use in pointing fingers. You just have to move on, Mr. Luthor. Let it go already."
"I'll kill you!" he yelled and started towards her.
"I swear I'm licensed to trim!" she screamed back, brandishing her scissors and her barber's license.
Lionel stopped trying to kill her.
"Well," he said.
"Indeed," said Some Girl.
They glared at each other.
"Someday I will bring about your downfall, you evil girl," he told her viciously.
"No, you won't," she contradicted. "I will bring about yours!" Her voice started echoing tremendously and a light shone down from the sky directly on her. She began to speak in creepy, hushed tones.
"When the time is right
And your kid's twenty-one
I'll come after you
With a gun
There will be no escape
And no one will care
That your beautiful son
Has lost his hair
It's better this way
Can't you see?
If I kill you
Everyone will love me!"
She grinned in satisfaction and the heavenly light faded away. Lionel looked like someone had blown out his birthday cake candles without asking him.
"Well, um, I'll take all your money and stuff," he said lamely. "I'll take it all! So there. Come on, Lex." He grabbed his bald son's hand and dragged him off to the Luthor limo, even though the poor kid was whining about his hair.
The kid on the cross woke up from his coma and said, "You know, if you had time to cut Lex's hair off and ruin his dad's life, why couldn't you have saved Lana's parents instead? It's much more practical. She wouldn't have that stupid orphan complex when she grows up."
Some Girl glared at him. "Nobody asked you. You're supposed to be in a coma, anyway."
"Very true," he admitted, and promptly fell back into his coma.
Some Girl scanned the flatted corn and the half-dead kid. She shook her head. "Look what you did, Clark," she said, and walked away, to resurface twelve years later when cool stuff was happening.