A/N: A parody of Bluebeard, except it's Sabertooth, following the style of the one and only Chellerbelle, the magnificently talented. I have her permission to jack her style so don't nag me. Not totally the same though.
"Everything I have," said Sabertooth to his Bride, Tabitha –
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! NO! I am so not cool with this!" Tabby raged.
Tabby, if you would just calm down –
"I will not calm down! Your first parody and you marry me off to SABERTOOTH? I'm slightly off in the head, not totally stark raving mad, okay?"
Look, he's not even gonna touch you. And you'll like the ending, trust me.
"If he does, I'll take off his head for ya," Logan promised.
"Why's he here?" suspicion was clear in her tone.
"You all, just so great for my self-esteem," Victor muttered.
The young woman considered the palace which was now her home. Its towers rose into the clouds and its gardens stretched to the sea. She thought of the fine tapestries lining the long corridors; the cabinets crowded with the most delicate porcelain dishes; the carpets from Persia and the gold lamps that hung from the high ceilings, and she knew that her husband was a rich man.
"He is far wealthier," Tabitha thought, "than even my mother imagined when she begged me to marry him."
"So I'm a gold digger? How nice. And everyone knows that gold diggers always get what's coming to them."
Just bear with me, okay?
"Whatever. I'd go for a pretty face before I'd go with moneybags.
The Bride remembered her mother's words. "Do not be frightened, my dear. It is true that he is old and has been married before, but old men are indulgent. You will want for nothing."
It was not her husband's age that made the young woman hesitate, but he was a man whose appearance filled her heart with dread. He was immensely tall, with tanned face and yellow cat eyes set in sockets. When he smiled, the few times that he did, she sometimes thought that he would eat her with his great teeth.
But he dazzled her with gifts and soothed her with kind words. He promised that she could fill the palace with parties of her young friends, who were all welcome to enjoy themselves at his expense. He even permitted Amara, the Bride's best friend, to move into an apartment in the East Wing.
So the couple were married, and their life together began.
"I didn't know he could do kind words," Amara mused.
"I know, right. Also, I am seventeen. Robbing the cradle much?"
In those days, marrying that young was completely acceptable. And you had your mother's permission, so it's all legit
"And invite my friends over? Why, so you can EAT THEM?"
"I am calm. Woosah…"
One day, Sabertooth came to his Bride and said, "I have to go on a journey, my dear, to see to some business matters in the city. I will be away several weeks."
"HALLELUJAH!" Tabby threw off some cherry bombs for good measure.
The more you interrupt, the longer it will be.
"While I am gone, you are in charge of my palace, and of everything I own. Here are the keys. Use them as you will, but there is one room at the end of the North Corridor which is locked and must remain so. I warn you: on no account use the smallest silver key which unlocks it if you value your life."
"Now that sounds like Sabertooth," Logan chuckled.
"That was pretty dumb, telling Tabby not to do something," Amara commented.
"He probably actually wants me to go in there. If he really didn't want me to, he would have taken the key. It only makes sense," Tabby reasoned to herself. "I bet he's holding out on me, that no good, greedy, double-crossing -"
Don't mean to interrupt, but if you could just get back on track, that'd be great.
After Sabertooth rode away, the Bride looked carefully at the smallest silver key. Whatever she did, she couldn't keep her thoughts off of the locked door, until her head was filled with a sharp longing to see what her husband kept hidden away from her.
"But what if he founds out? He will be so angry," she said to herself. "But how could he know? I have the key and will only take a quick peek, then I'll lock the door and Sabertooth will never know, I'm sure not going to tell him."
Soon after, she waited until her friend and all the servants were busy and tiptoed down the North Corridor. She'd removed the smallest silver key from the ring which held all the others and it was now clutched in her hand. She hesitated a moment before the black door. But her curiosity was stronger than her fear. The door opened quite silently. She took the smallest silver key out of the hole and held it as she stepped into the room. The floor was sticky with something which glistened black in the light from the window Could it be blood?
Her eyes widened. It was. The entire chamber was filled with the mortal remains of Sabertooth's previous wives!
"Oh CRAP! He's going t kill me! This is one of those really twisted fairy tales where I die at the end isn't it?"
"So curiosity really did kill the Tabby," Victor mused.
"You don't have to be so smug about it!"
In her terror, the Bride dropped the key on the floor and when she picked it up, it was so slippery she could hardly grasp it. The key was no longer silver, but crimson with blood, and even though the Bride wiped it and wiped it on her skirt, crimson it remained as she fled from the room and locked the black door with trembling fingers.
She fled to her room, trembling. What if Sabertooth came back and found the key missing? She hurriedly cleaned it and put it back with the others.
She scrubbed and scrubbed it and thought the stain had gone until she turned it over and it was still there, red as an open wound. She thought, perhaps, to get rid of the key, but what if her husband should ask for it? Thankful that Sabertooth would not be returning for some weeks, she resolved to decide what must be done later. As she rounded a corner, she bumped into her husband.
Victor held his hears, "Was that really necessary?"
"What timing," Amara muttered.
Almost done, people. Just shut up and say your lines.
"How are we supposed to 'shut up' and –"
"You are surprised to see me, my dear," he said. "I finished my business earlier than I had planned and rode home as fast as I could to be with you, my Bride."
"That's kind of you," said the Bride. "I am delighted to see you." she smiled. And smiled even as her whole body grew cold with fear. She knew it would not be long before Sabertooth asked for his keys. She would do all the she could to make her husband happy. Perhaps she could make him so happy that he would forget all about his keys.
After they'd dined from porcelain plates and drank wine from crystal goblets, Sabertooth asked, "Where are my keys, beloved?"
"My keys. Where are they?"
"Your keys? Oh, they're right here," she gave the key ring to her husband.
"Where is the smallest silver key?"
"What smallest silver key?"
"The one that I told you not to use."
"Oh, that smallest silver key. It must have fallen off in my pocket."
There was nothing to be done. She gave him the key.
"It's stained with blood. You opened the locked room, and your punishment will be to join those women whom you found there." For a moment, he was silent, then he smiled, revealing razor sharp fangs. "I will kill you with my own hands and place you with the others."
The Bride threw herself before him and pleaded for her life. Her tears and cries would have moved another man to pity, but Sabertooth said only, "You must die and die quickly."
"Only give me leave to pray for a while," said the Bride at last. "Then kill me if it will make you happy."
"I shall give you an hour," said Sabertooth and left the dining hall. The Bride flew – well, no. She was actually on her knees, praying.
Tabby, what are you doin'?
"Well, since you're obviously trying to KILL ME, I was trying to pray until you interrupted me."
If you just continue the story, everythin' will be fine. I told you, you'll like the endin'. Don't you trust me?
"Not as far as I can throw Freddy."
Just go with it!
The Bride sucked it up and flew to through the corridors to her friend's apartments.
"Amara," she cried. "My uncle is coming here today. Go to the South Tower and see if you can see him. Signal to him to make haste, I beg you, for I must be killed before the next hour strikes."
Amara climbed to the top of the South Tower and every few moments the Bride called to her, "Amara, do you see him?"
Over and over again, Amara called down, "Not yet," until the Bride was frantic with dread.
At last the clock struck the hour, and Sabertooth came to where his Bride was hyperventilating into a paper bag at the foot of the stairs.
"Come, my dear. Time to die," he said, and took his Bride by the hair.
"Amara, what do you see?" she cried, and Amara answered at last, "A horseman…I see a horseman."
Sabertooth began to drag his Bride through the palace. Suddenly there was a great noise at the gate, that Sabertooth was surprised and let go of his wife's arm. The Bride's uncle, a brave soldier in the service of the king, raced to Sabertooth's side and killed him with his adamantium claws before he had time to say a single word.
Sabertooth had no children, so the Bride inherited his wealth and lands. She arranged a prosperous and happy marriage for her friend, and gave fine gifts to her uncle. She also saw to it that each of Sabertooth's poor dead wives were decently buried, and she set a cypress tree to grow beside each grave.
"It was a pretty decent ending, I guess," Tabby conceded. "At least, I can afford all the therapy I'm gonna need for my man issues."
"Who did I marry?" Amara asked.
I don't know. Who do you want to marry?
"Um," she blushed, "I, uh, nobody."
"Any story that ends with me killin' Victor is alright with me," Logan said.
"You wanna take this outside?" Victor growled.
"I'm sorry, bub, I don't speak dead guy," Victor lunged at him and the two started to brawl.
"Shouldn't you stop them?" Amara asked.
Have you ever tried to pull two dogs in a fight off of each other?