A/N – So it's been a while since I posted anything, but Touhou caught me in its awesome-filled fandom and ideas came in a rambling horde. (One day, Subterranean Animism, I'll beat you and your hell-cat)
This turned out very oddly, but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway. Probably going to be updated or the summary will make less sense.
Dashes are the new correct punctuation.
When that black-white witch visits the mansion with her magician in tow – or is it the other way around? – and charms her way into the library, I let her. Because she's amusing for a human, because she keeps the faerie maids on their toes – or burns them off, but it amounts to the same thing – because she doesn't smell like stinking fear.
I pretend to be courteous when she comes, and it's true that I'm grateful to her for playing with my sister. Flandre is too young to understand a vampire's pride, and the black-white makes a durable playmate for her. But seeing that too-easy smile that lights up the witch's face, seeing her use that smile on – my – Sakuya, is enough to make me want to ruin her face – watch her smile so casually then, with no mouth to do it with.
When she brings the puppet master with her they have tea with Patche among the stacks. She enjoys their company, so for her sake I tolerate them, but.
But, when the puppeteer turns her face away and the witch woos her with that damnable grin until the smile is returned – when they communicate without words – when the black-white makes flowers spring out of enchantment just for her – I want to throw them out of my house, I want to become deaf to their laughter or rip their throats out to cut off the noise with a last, glorious choke. It's too carefree a sound, and sometimes I imagine I see Sakuya watching them – enviously?
Sakuya rarely gives me gifts, and when she does they are adequately practical. Her magic is sleight of hand, but she has never made so much as a petal appear for me. Sometimes I think she wants to. Sometimes I think I want her to. I wonder if she thinks I would reject something spontaneous. I wonder if I would.
I can't give her eternity – I'm a 'light eater,' after all – but she might refuse it even if I could. She refused it before. I tell myself it isn't the same thing. Is it because she thinks I'm too weak? Too strong? I could force her – bleed her out and turn her. I could ask her. I can't ask her.
Yakumo, the gap hag, she knows – something. Something I can't identify in myself, but that her eyes dare me to find. The scornful knowledge dancing behind her merriment when she looks at me is too much. How dare she. She let her own lover die and indulges that lover's every whim now because of guilt and lost chances. Even though she failed, even though there's not a single redeeming quality about her, even though they both have secrets, the dead princess still smiles on her. And that woman smiles back. How can she, as guilty as she is, living with a fragment?
And her fragment dotes on her. Lavishes her with gifts, laughs, shared glances. Hangs on her arm like a mindless waif. It's unseemly. It's ridiculous. Neither of them should be so happy. It's like a lie. I wish it were a lie.
I won't have that. Sakuya is a smart human, but also a fool, consorting with a demon. I wonder if she hides fear behind her smiles? Scorn? If I smile back, then…? Will I begin to see her intentions clearly? If her eyes mock me, I will kill her. If smiling makes me able to understand her, and it's something I don't want to understand, I will kill her. If I give up my pride, that part of me so much like all of me I barely notice it anymore – if I give that up, if I let her see that she's made me give it up…and she laughs. At me. Then I will kill her. So, if I love her, I will kill her.
In a way I live with a fragment after all. I force her to be one. It's not that I'm not fond of her. It's not that I don't love her. I do. Too much. Please, please don't smile at me, Sakuya.