Disclaimer: I didn't write this. If I did, I want to convince myself I didn't, my brain is liquefying itself.
Warnings: Expect CRACK, seriously awful crack. Run away.
Summary: Itahina wedding in five 500+ word installments.
Happily Ever Afters
Uchiha Shisui was glaring at the latest copy of Konoha's leading tabloid – The Konoha Weekly: Looking underneath the underneath! – willing his eyes to burn holes into it, consequently succeeding in burning off half of Hyuuga Hinata's head and everything but Itachi's magnificent nose bridge, as market statistics showed that the Uchiha heir's left profile with the sexy cheek scar sold more, and throwing the blazing gossip rag into a large vat of white chrysanthemums.
White chrysanthemums. Apparently the Yamanaka's were confusing the Wedding of the Century with a mass funeral. Back in the day, this would have called for a bloody retribution. In fact, he had always harbored lingering doubts that the Uchiha-Senju conflict started with a delivery of pine rather than cherrywood. Yamanaka's wielded jutsu that possess people - surely they could grow out of season flowers? Where were the freesias?
But flowers were the least of his problems, Shisui reminded himself. As best man and, therefore, the one responsible for making sure the wedding actually takes place come hell or high water, the latter being seriously plausible because of all the water-jutsu going on at the Nakano. Whoever thought to have ninja-swans decorating the river had undoubtedly inhaled too much ceremonial incense.
Clearly, it was the same person who thought that drab-old lady-blue – obtained by mixing the elegant Hyuuga white and majestic Uchiha blue, (excellent on their own but together made him more nauseous than trying to shunshin while drunk ) – was an appropriate theme color and used the communal expense account to order a truckload of kimonos of that horrifying shade. Shisui had had to mobilize underworld connections to get Oto's Tsuchi Kin, exceptionally fine at needlework, to stitch up a new batch just so nobody would instinctively go color-blind, which would be bad considering the bloodline limits of most of the guests.
And just last night, after finishing the accounts and decorating the last of the wedding trellises, he'd realized they've gone way overboard on the spending and were in hot water – or boiling-tar, depending on the figures – with the caterers. Thankfully, the Hyuuga Main House's coffers were deep, because of their miserly, feudal treatment of the branch members and of not having to pay rent and recompensation to the standing government like the Uchiha's had to.
But enough of that. He really should be more concerned for this information leak that will, undoubtedly, spread like a virus and incite the other villages to call for their own eugenics program.
(Not that Itachi and Hinata's wedding was anything of the sort, Shisui amended. Itachi and Hinata were both very traditionalist in their ways, despite their stick-in-the-mud reputations, and would never have condoned it. This Shisui knows for certain, being a dearly-beloved boyhood companion of Itachi and a close friend of Hinata due to their mutual interest in flower-pressing and Itachi's well-being.)
It had been specifically stated in the invitations that anyone breaching the confidentiality seal, a technique Shisui had gone to Danzo himself for, was going to get an eyeful of doryoku and be drowned in the Nakano. He had even decorated those himself, using special illusion techniques that made sharingan eyes flash warningly when the cards were held to a certain slant of light, or when leered at.
Shinobi were exceptionally blind and lenient to the tabloid industry it seemed, because in the end, even after utilizing some outstanding reconnaissance agents – hairdressers and maids, completely innocuous though entirely self-serving – the perpetrator remained anonymous. Shisui takes comfort in the fact that they had the date wrong – listing it at three months later, a mistake probably helped along by the fact that preparations were still in the stage of being half-baked and the stoic faces all the insiders maintained while being chased down – when in fact, the wedding was actually…
at the end of the week.
On second thought, it wasn't comforting at all.
[Theme: Wedding planner Shisui]