Author's Note - Hey everyone! I hope you enjoy this version of Sailor Dorks! If you have time, visit my web site at For the portal to my other sites go to Enjoy the fic!

Disclaimer: I absolutely, positively, one hundred percent, DO NOT OWN SAILOR MOON!!! I wish I did, then I'd get DIC to quit butchering the
series, but seeing as how I don't, anyone who wants to stick a lawyer in my face is really in for it. I DON'T OWN IT, I DON'T OWN IT, I DON'T OWN IT!!!
Rated: G or a definite Y, even 2-year-olds could read this and be okay.

Sailor Dorks
By: Merc

Characters: (Inners are dub names, Outers are pure names)
Serena Warren...Sailor Moon
Amy Anderson...Sailor Mercury
Raye Hino...Sailor Mars
Lita Kino...Sailor Jupiter
Mina Aino...Sailor Venus
Haruka...Sailor Uranus
Michiru...Sailor Neptune
Reeny Warren...Sailor Chibi (mini)-Moon
Hotaru Tomeo...Sailor Saturn
Setsuna...Sailor Pluto

Note: The monster's name in this story is Spanish. Her name is Spanish for pen or in some Latin American countries, pencil and pen.

Narrator: It was just another day in Tokyo, Japan. School had just ended, and life was as it
usually was. Serena had detention until who knows when, Amy was at Cram School, Lita was
drooling over Andrew at the arcade, Mina was at the movies with Raye swooning over the latest
hunk fresh from America, Leonardo DiCaprio. Haruka and Michiru were swooning over each other
at the malt shop, Setsuna was at the library studying, Reeny was driving her swim teacher at
the YMCA nuts, and Hotaru was busy at home adding yet another lamp to her already huge
collection of lamps.

Serena: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I've been in here for three hours! Why can't I leave?!
Ms. Haruna: Serena you know perfectly well why your still here, now get back to work while I
fume some more over Eric dumping me!
Serena: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa!


Haruka: (dreamily) Michiru
Michiru: (dreamily, gooey-eyed look) Haruka...
Michiru: Hey, you finished the last of the soda!
Haruka: (sweatdropping) Sorry.


Mina: Nooooooooooooooo! Not Jack! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Raye: And he was such a stud! * Sniff sniff *
Mina: God he's cute, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Jack don't die!
Both: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Lita: WHAT????? THIS @#$@!%#! WHY I OUGHTA !@#$&$@&*%^&#! THIS THING'S RIGGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Andrew: Hey Lita, everything all right?
Lita: !@#$%^&*! Huh? Oh, hi Andrew, what a surprise, he he.
Andrew: I didn't know you were here. How are you?
Lita: (sheepishly) fine, never better.
Andrew: Sure? You were doing some serious swearing at this Sailor V game.
Lita: Oh, well I was just letting off some steam from the day and all...


Teacher: Would someone please explain how Japan's Constitutional Monarchy works? (Amy raises
her hand)
Teacher: Yes Amy?
Amy: The Constitutional Monarchy of Japan is but a man or woman of power, normally consisting
of a king, queen, or an emperor that rules a land under
their power. Their potency is what runs our wicked society full of stereotypes and activists.
Class: ?
Teacher: Uh, very good Amy, uh...


Reeny: YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Instructor: REENY GET BACK HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reeny: (evil he he's) He he he he.
Instructor: NO REENY, NOT THE.......

Chapter 2

Narrator: It's nighttime and everyone has eaten. The inners are meeting in their usual meeting
place, Raye's temple. The outers are hanging out
somewhere and heaven only knows where Artemis and Luna are.

Amy: So, any Negeverse activity? If not, I'm going back home to study even more.
Raye: Dunno, maybe if I did another one of those awesome fire readings that I and only I can
Serena: (holding a comic book) WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (In her high-pitched
whiny voice) Why did Gohan have to die? Chi-chi was so much in love with and * snif snif * he
was such a huuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnkkkkkkkkk! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Raye: SERENA SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Serena: You're so mean Raye, WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Raye: Yea, but at least I don't bust the decible scale with my whining!
Serena: pthpthpthpthpthpth!
Raye: pthpthpthpthpthpthpth!
Mina: Quit it you guys! I'm getting soaked!
Lita: Hey, wait a minute. Shouldn't Luna and Artemis be somewhere around here. I mean, after
all, they're the ones that keep pestering us to do these stupid meetings in the first place!

(Just then Lita sees Luna and Artemis running at full speed up the temple steps)

Lita: There those stupid cats are!

(Luna and Artemis crash through the thin paper that covers the open spots on the door, leaving
two rather noticeable holes)

Artemis: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!! TAKE COVER!!!!!!!!!!!! THE
YOUNG TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Luna: ARTEMIS CALM DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Listen, there is some strange-- Artemis get out of that teapot! Anyway,
oh yes, we saw some strange activity over at the park. I think this is serious. Amy, why
don't you- No Artemis not the oven!
Artemis: AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hot hot hot hot hot!
Luna: Um, anyway Amy I want you call up the outers and get them to get their lazy butts over
to the park. No excuses this time.
Amy: Why me? Why not old boyfriend girl over there?
Lita: Hey!
Mina: Amy, just call the outies.
Amy: Outies!?
Mina: I think it's cute don't you? Just like a bellybutton, you have innies and outies.
Instead of the serious phrase inners and outers, why not a silly quick phrase like innies and
Amy: ?
Serena: (confused and sarcastic) yea Mina, whatever you say.
Raye: Girlfriend you have waaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy too much free time.
Mina: This is Japan, there's no such thing as free time.
Serena: Wait, if this is Japan, then how come we speak English fluently and write fluently in
Lita: Konicciwa! Hajimameshite?
Raye: Usagi, Odanga Atama!
Serena: ?
Raye: English translation: Serena, Dumpling Head!
Lita: My translation, Hi! What's up?
Serena, Amy, and Mina: ?
Lita: I'll go for American English, it's the hardest language in the world to learn but the
slang is too cool!
Mina: Ditto!
Artemis: Negaverse, WHERE!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????
Luna: Nowhere tuna brain.
Artemis: TUNA BRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Haruka: Did you ever notice the large pile of dust in the corner?
Michiru: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Haruka: I... am... so... bored...
Michiru: Yup.
Haruka: How long has that dust been there?
Michiru: I dunno, why don't you be my hero and sweep it up?
Haruka: I... am... so... bored.
Michiru: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

(Haruka and Michiru's communicators beep very loudly)

Haruka: (sleepily) Whhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattttttttttttttttt?
Amy: Get your lazy lesbian butts over to the park pronto! Negaverse activity going on.
Michiru: Why, we were having fun being bored.
Amy: Because, Luna is at the end of her rope. She's holding Artemis hostage in the temple and
won't let him go until you all get out here.
Haruka: Oh.
Michiru: Uh-huh.
Haruka: Yea.
Amy: Whatever you incompetent cretins. Luna's starting to scare Artemis silly.
Michiru: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.


Setsuna: * sigh *

(Setsuna's communicator beeps very loudly)

Setsuna: Oh, hello Amy, what is ever wrong?
Amy: All right, Luna is threatening to kill Artemis if you don't get down to the park right
now. Negaverse is acting up as usual. Won't they ever learn that now matter how hard they
try, they underestimate us at the very last second and lose?
Setsuna: On my way!


Reeny: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reeny: Look at me, I'm the most sadistic lunatic in the whole entire YMCA!

(Just as Reeny is about to dive off the high dive in the pool, floaties and all, her
communicator beeps)

Reeny: What? Can't you see I am in the middle of giving my instructor more
gray hair?
Amy: Reeny, get your annoying little b-u-t-t over to the park NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reeny: Can't make me!
Amy: Wanna make a bet?
Reeny: Can't make me!
Amy: I'll steal Luna P. and turn it into extra computer parts for my P.C.
Reeny: Idle threats you make!
Amy: #1, you sound wiser beyond your years and that's scary enough, and #2, I just happen to
know where Luna P. is located!
Reeny: LUNA P.!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Amy: Get over here or else the gravity defying ball goes bye-bye.
Reeny: LUNA P.!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Hotaru: * sigh *
Hotaru: ...
Hotaru: ...

(Just as Hotaru stares some more at her new lamp, her communicator beeps)

Hotaru: Hmmmmmmmm?
Amy: Hotaru, love the lamp, no time to talk, Artemis is about to have a
heart attack from Luna, get over to the park, now!
Hotaru: Fine.

Chapter 3

Narrator: Finally after Amy called up all the outies and got Luna to let
the half-dead Artemis go, the innies went to the park to join the outies.
Little did they know just what was there...

Mercury: I detect very strong energy over there. My visor and mini-computer rock!
Mars: You may have totally awesome gadgets and gizmos that have saved our butts more times
than we can count, but you honestly can't take anything away from my cool fireballs.
Moon: Your fireballs are nothing but thin pieces of paper with indecipherable picture
thingys on them. And what's with the sudden praise of Sailor Mercury?
Mars: (Whispering) the poor girl is the weakest link on our team. I figured she needed moral
Mercury: Uh, just for the record, every team needs 3 things to be successful. #1, a leader
which tragically for us is Sailor Moon. #2, an offense, i.e. everyone aside of me who can
whoop some Negeverse butt, and #3, a defense, i.e. me. Without a defense to keep you from
getting roasted if you're trapped or hurt. That is, all those times my so-called soap bubbles
of mine actually prevented your obituaries from getting into the paper.
Jupiter: (yawning, sweatdropping, and looking very bored) Whatever...
Uranus: Hey, we've been waiting forever for you guys! Neptune and I lost valuable bored time
to be here!
Venus: We would've gotten here sooner, but Luna blew a gasket and nearly killed my Artemis.
Chibi-Moon: Hey, you said there was a monster here. I don't don't see no stinkin' monster!
Artemis: MONSTER???????
Venus: Artemis, aren't you supposed to be in shock at the vet?
Artemis: Ran away before he could give me the test.
Venus: What test?
Artemis: (Artemis) Uh.. Well, just, the test.
Venus: WHAT STUPID TEST????????????????

(Mercury walks up next to Venus and whispers for a few brief moments while the other scouts
stand around doing nothing but being bored and cold in their lovely little skirt uniforms.
Mercury then steps back and Venus turns into a human red florescent light.)

Venus: (embarrassed) Oh, that test.
Artemis: Yeah.
Neptune: I came out here to kick some Negabutt with Uranus here and I don't see any Negadweeb
to kill!? What gives?
Pluto: Mercury, do you sense anything on your trey-cool visor?
Mercury: (now serious) I see some serious energy disturbance right over...THERE!!!!!!!!

(Mercury points westward and sure enough, there's the evil monster)

Chibi-Moon: Whoa!

(The monster is dressed in next to nothing. Only a rather thick chain that sticks to her skin
covers the you-know-where on her chest. A bikini-type bottom with some thin strips of cloth
cover her * ahem *. The monster has rainbow hair that comes down to her mid-back and she
wears sandals on her impossibly small feet.)

Artemis: Whoa momma!
Luna: Artemis!
Uranus: Yikes.
Jupiter: (yelling) Aren't you cold?
Monster: I am Boligrafo and I will crush you you Sailor Dingbats, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
Moon: Yea well, (insert battle music here)...
I am Sailor Moon, champion of justice,
Blah, blah, blah, yakity-shmakity, yadda, yadda, etc., etc.,
Boligrafo: Nice battle speech.
Moon: Well, I say the same speech over and over again and all I get is criticism, so I figured
the heck with it, I'll get the battle done faster if I just skip the stupid speech.
Boligrafo: Cool.
Luna: Lazy ditz.
Moon: (annoyed) I heard that Luna.
Boligrafo: I'm going to kill you Sailor Nerds!
IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Artemis panics and runs straight into a wall, upon impact he cracks the wall and then slides
down to the ground, unconscious and with a huge bump on his forehead. Jupiter sees this and
gets very upset)

Neptune: RISING TIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The monster dodges both of these attacks and moons the Scouts)

Boligrafo: Ha ha ha. You cannot defeat me you stupid Sailor Brats!
Mercury: Hey I resent that.
Venus and Jupiter: Don't you monsters have any better insults?
Boligrafo: Sure! Sailor Dorks, Sailor Jerks, Sailor @#$^&*!)@$%^#
Pluto: Watch it! There are 8-year-olds about here! And one 16-year-old who thinks like an
Boligrafo: Sorry.
Saturn: You know, I've had no say in this stupid mission yet. I think that I don't like you
very much.
Pluto: Just for not making Saturn like you, I'm going to kill you. DEATH SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The blast hits the monster square in the chest)

Boligrafo: (slightly annoyed) ow.
Uranus: WORLD SHAKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The later impact throws Boligrafo into the same wall as Artemis where she hits her head and
has a tough time getting up)

Luna: I'm shaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkkkiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnggggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!
Sailor Uranus: (scarcastically) Ha ha, very funny Luna.
Mars: All right, now it's my turn to rock and roll! MARS CELESTIAL FIRE SURROUND!!!!!!!
Boligrafo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hot hot hot hot hot.
Everyone: Hey Moonie, quit playing audience and start killing!!!
Moon: All right, but first I need to choose what to kill it with. (Starts to count on fingers
and look concentrated) There's my tiara, my scepter, my heart therapy kiss but that's more of
an attack, my halation?
Jupiter: Just kill the @#$%^&*(!!!
Moon: Sailor Jupiter!
Chibi-Moon: Mommy, what does @#$%^&* mean?
Mercury: Chibi-Moon, that's a naughty word, so, if you ever want to see Luna P. again, you'll
have to promise not to say it.
Chibi-Moon: Luna P.!!!
Mercury: Promise?
Chibi-Moon: (quickly) Promise!
Moon: Eanie-meanie-miney-mo. Scepter it is!
Boligrafo: (weakly) you Sailor Scouts are pretty pathetic.
Neptune: No duh, that took, how long to figure out?
Uranus: Pretty long.
Jupiter: Longer than most of our enemies that we've killed in the past that's for sure.

(The monster screams a couple of vulgar words and turns into a big pile of dust.)

Moon: (chanting) Oh yeeeaaaa, I roooooock, oh yeeeaaa, I rooooooooock!!!!!!!!!!
Jupiter: Shut up Moon.
Mars: Shut up Moon.
Moon: pthpthpthpthpthpth!
Mars: pthpthpthpthpth!
Saturn and Pluto: Shut up you morons!
Moon: pthpthpthpthpthpth!
Mars: pthpthpthpthpth!
Uranus: Would you two shut the @#$^ up!
Mercury: (quietly) oh my virgin ears.
Saturn: Uranus, what does @#$^ mean?
Neptune: (very quickly) AA!
Pluto: I think it's time we all go home before Mars and Moon and Uranus beat each other to a
Chibi-Moon: Great, now I can go back to giving my swim instructor a heart attack!
Luna: Chibi-Moon, swim practice ended an hour ago.
Chibi-Moon: @#$%!
Everyone: * gasp * !
Venus: I had better get Artemis back to the vet. I hope he's still alive.

(Everyone splits up, detransforms, and goes home)

Chapter 4

Narrator: All of the scouts are at Raye's temple a few days after the Negaverse had attacked.
That includes the badly bruised Artemis who looks more like the living dead than an injured

Mina: Tehehe, Artemis you look like a mummy cat.
Artemis: (fuming) not funny.
Luna: Well, at least things are back to normal again, or at least until next week when some
other Negajunkie will wander into our planet.
Lita: Luna!
Luna: Tehe.
Haruka: Well, I'm mad that I got out without having a cool battle wound or two to show off.
Artemis: (grumbling) Easy for you to say.
Haruka: Whatever Arteshmuck.
Artemis: ARTESHMUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Haruka: Yo, not so loud Artichoke.
Artemis: ARTICHOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Haruka: Yea, isn't that your name Achilles?
Artemis: ACHILLIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Michiru: Give it up Haruka, you'll never get Aphrodite's name right.
Artemis: APHRODITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hotaru: I always heard his name was Aries.
Artemis: ARIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Amy: Shut up cat.
Artemis: (flustered) oy.
Amy: Whatever.
Lita: Hey Ames what's this you're reading?
Serena: Biochemistry Level 2.
Mina: BIOCHEMISTRY!!!!!!!!!!????????
Amy: So?
Everyone: Oy.
Amy: Why me?

Narrator: So our heroines have saved the planet once more and unfortunately lived to tell
about it. Let's all hope that there'll be a better battle sometime in the near future.


Note: Just for the heck of it, I decided to show anyone who reads this sad excuse for a story
what the scouts names show up as on my spell check.

Serena - Serena
Amy - Amy
Lita - Litter
Mina - Ina
Luna - Ulna
Artemis - Airtimes
Haruka - Hark
Michiru - Miter
Hotaru - Hotter
Reeny - Renee
Setsuna - Sestina
Boligrafo - No Spelling Suggestions

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