An all-dialogue double drabble (exactly 200 words, I swear!), somewhat connected to another story I'm currently working on called "Holier Than Thou" (#6341008). To set the scene, the brave men of Serenity are gathered 'round to discuss the latest mission, when suddenly Dark Secrets are revealed. So who's speaking which line? Now, now - that would be telling!

Reviews of all shapes and sizes are most appreciated!

"No ruttin' way! Ain't doin' nothin' that involves shavin' my head or alterin' my man-parts!"

"No one's asking that. Shepherd's friends at the Abbey need help sortin' out this mysterious sickness, an' I ain't sendin' the Doc 'less someone goes along to watch his back."

"He'll need another name. I'm afraid Brother 'Jayne' would be a bit conspicuous."

"More conspicuous than a 6'4" illiterate holy man who spits, cusses, scratches himself with gusto and bench presses 360?"

"Perhaps I should go aloneā€¦"

"Not happening, Doctor. But the Preacher's right. What's your middle name?"

"Don't got one."

"Those initials in that fine orange hat of yours say otherwise. So what is it?"


"Huh? Don't think I heard that."

"Marion, okay! Name's Marion! An' the last man laughed at that ain't breathin' no more."

"Oh, dear. You have indeed walked a straitened path, my son."

"Your mother was that desperate for a girl?"

"Ya best shut yer mouth 'bout my ma, Hoban, else we'll see some man-parts alterin' after all. An' what's yer middle name, Cap'n High n' Mighty?"


"I don' think I heard that!"

"It's Irving, gorramit! Satisfied?"

"My goodness! And all these years I thought Derrial was unfortunate!"

A/N: Okay, so I'm not always kind to Jayne, but here I'm (sort of) paying him a compliment. Actor John Wayne, the iconic macho man of American westerns, was born Marion Morrison in 1907.

Since people have been asking, Wash's middle name is Robert. Wash's parents, who were very creative people, thought it was incredibly dull and unfunny. His original middle name is too suggestive to print here at FanFiction and still keep the 'K' rating. But his parents took pity on their son and changed the name after belatedly realizing that he was red-headed, and fearing the red-head/Hoban combination was already enough to doom him to a lifetime of unwanted 'attention' from people like Jayne. They thought perhaps he would want to use the more pedestrian middle name Robert when he grew up. Or dye his hair. Little do they know, Wash despises Robert even more than Hoban (not even worth the energy to rebel against), but quite enjoys being, as he terms it, a 'strawberry blonde.' Simon's middle name is Gabriel, as leading Core families (and some current Earth cultures) traditionally use the father's first name for the son's middle name. Simon's parents were not particularly creative people and never rebelled against anything.