AN: This is a follow up one-shot to 'Residual Fear' in which Justin asks Brian is he's ever scared and Brian answers 'sometimes'. Thank you to Bryton4ever71, who left a review wondering what Brian was scared of. Your review is what made me decide to write this.
I do not own Brian and Justin or anything else that has to do with Queer As Folk!
"Are you ever scared?" Justin asked.
Brian froze. Not exactly what he had been expecting the kid to say. He had expected him to argue, deny it, or in some way make Brian's attempts at comforting him just that much harder. He hadn't been expecting him to turn it all around.
Was he ever scared? Fuck he was scared all the time, not that he had ever admitted that. Admitting he was scared went against every rule to keep people out he had and every anti lesbionic view he possessed.
Brian glanced at Justin who seemed to be awaiting some sort of response. The logical thing to do would say 'fuck no, I'm not a princess' but when had logic ever won out when it came to Justin?
Without really giving himself permission to do so, Brian nodded. "Sometimes." He admitted.
Never. Logic had never won out against Justin. If logic had won, Brian never would have gone to the kid's prom, Justin never would have gotten bashed, and he wouldn't be standing here having this fucking conversation. Hell, he probably never would have seen Justin again after that first night when they met and fucked.
Brian waited slightly nervously for the predictable 'what are you scared of' bullshit that he just knew Justin would ask, but surprisingly it never came. Instead, Justin nodded, accepting and feeling secure in the knowledge that the great Brian Kinney got scared sometimes.
But what was Brian scared of? Even if Justin had asked it, how would he have responded? A few months ago his answer would have been obvious – "nothing" or "none of your fucking business" followed by a distraction in the form or sex, drugs, or alcohol. Somehow, Brian doubted his answer would still be the same.
On the surface, Brian Kinney didn't have anything to be scared of. He was successful (rich), good looking (sexy as hell), talented (fucking sex god), and he had his friends (even if he was loathed to admit it). People wanted him or wanted to be him. So what scared the king of Liberty Avenue…?
He was looking at him. Justin fucking Taylor. The kid had single handily and determinedly wormed his way into Brian's life – every aspect of his life – with no sign of leaving any time soon. Brian had done everything he could to push him out but the little twink refused to go. In time he came to accept, and even enjoy the younger's man's presence. And then the prom happened…
That was the first time Brian Kinney can remember truly feeling scared. He'd watched helpless as that bastard bashed Justin with a bat, too far away to stop it from happening, and as Justin was wheeled away bleeding on a stretcher. Sitting in that plastic chair in the hospital hallway with the bloody scarf, he didn't think he would ever stop being scared. Scared that Justin wouldn't make it; scared that he wouldn't be okay again, scared by the fact that it scared him so much.
Justin had lived but the fear didn't stop there. When Justin moved in with him for the second time after his bashing, Brian was reminded of that fear the first night, Justin's first nightmare. He'd woken to Justin thrashing around in his sleep and screaming. Brian could remember clearly shaking him awake and pulling him into his arms as he sobbed and thrashed around before finally settling into a restless sleep. Brian had lain awake that night, scared over Justin's mental state.
But again, Justin had got better. The nightmares decreased to the point where he almost never had them and he was finally able to rejoin the living, if slowly and conditionally. Months later and he was at a point where he was completely back to normal, at least until they found that kid in the dumpster.
Watching Justin jump and sweat at something as simple as a man coming up to him at Babylon had scared Brian. Still scared Brian. What if Justin was relapsing? What if the nightmares came back and all the progress he had made was suddenly reversed?
Justin had wormed his way into Brian's life and somewhere along the line, Brian found himself genuinely concerned about his well being. He wanted, no he needed, Justin to be safe.
But of course being scared for Justin was not where it ended. Although Brian would never willingly admit it, sometimes he was scared of Justin. Not that he feared for his safety or any shit like that (look at some of the tricks he went home with, or brought home), with Justin it was much worse. Justin could hurt him.
Over the last year, with all the pushing away, pulling him back, fucking and screwing around…somehow Justin had found his way into Brian's heart, something that no one had been able to achieve.
The naïve, fucking innocent, seventeen year old kid had managed to fuck his way into Brian Kinney's unreachable heart and that was what scared Brian the most, even being scared for him led back to it.
Now not only was he scared that something would happen to Justin, but he was also scared that Justin would leave. Justin had the power to completely break Brian, even if he didn't know he had it, and that vulnerability, that lack of control, left Brian feeling more scared than anything else.
Because even if Justin didn't know it, he had gotten inside. He was in so fucking deep that he was a part of Brian. Whatever happened to him, good or bad, affected Brian. And what scared Brian the absolute most…was that he couldn't bring himself to care or even regret it.
Review and let me know what you thought please! : )