WARNINGS: CONTAINS DISTURBING CONTENT, SEXUAL SITUATIONS, AND SLASH.
I really hope you like this. I'm quite proud of it.
Morgan had always had trouble with not just relationships, but with sex. The thought of starting a serious relationship had always filled him with dread. Giving that much of himself to another person wasn't an idea he found appealing in the slightest. Not that he wanted to care about someone else that much either. It was too scary. Morgan had learned long ago that it was usually better not to trust anyone at all. So he went from fling to fling, having sexual encounters with random women once or maybe a couple times without knowing more about her than her name. Sometimes not even that. The whole time he wondered why it didn't feel as good as everyone said it would. He would just feel terrible and filthy after and during.
Spencer Reid made things a little different.
No, he made things a lot different. Morgan loved him. Intensely. He wanted nothing more than to make Spencer happy. Reid had opened up a whole new set of feelings that Morgan hadn't known was possible. More often than not, Morgan would find himself thinking, "So this is what it feels like to actually want someone." And he did want Spencer. It felt good to slip inside him and thrust until Morgan himself was done shivering and moaning in ecstasy. Too good, maybe.
But that other part of him (or maybe it was the same part of him that loved Spencer) still felt terrible. Not just terrible, but angry and guilty. This was the part of him that Carl Buford had made. The part that asked over and over again, "Why does he let me do these things to him?" and "How can I want to do these things to him?" It gave him a sick twisting feeling in his stomach whenever he thought about Spencer that way.
Morgan longed for the days when Spencer had been content to cuddle, to kiss, to fall asleep lying in his arms. He had loved how innocent Spencer had been. He still seemed innocent, but they would never have those times back. They had crossed a line and their relationship had changed forever.
Spencer had come to him one day and asked why they had never had sex. He was so shy and so fragile. And he wanted Morgan in every way. Morgan couldn't resist any longer. He gave way to his desire and his body took over his brain. And he'd be damned if it didn't feel good. No matter how guilty he felt, he couldn't control that desire. Now Spencer wanted sex all the time. Almost every night. There was nothing Morgan could do but oblige…
As a result, those complicated, conflicted emotions were right at the surface when a few months after their first time Spencer had pulled Morgan into bed yet again. Not a new experience, but not one Morgan had become used to. His lover kissed him tentatively at first, then more passionate and intense as they went. Spencer's tongue was rolling around his mouth doing all kinds of things that made Morgan want to moan. His hands were groping under Morgan's shirt, rubbing Morgan's nipples. Then he pushed Morgan down into a laying position, straddling him. His tongue still in Derek's mouth, and hands still under his shirt.
After what seemed like forever, Spencer stopped and rested his head on Morgan's chest. "What do you want to do, baby?" He planted little kisses all over Morgan's neck and jaw.
Morgan knew that Spencer thought the answer was self-evident. After all, Spencer was rubbing his crotch lightly against Morgan's -both of them hard as a rock. He loved the feeling. He gasped a little. Derek was almost ready to give in, to just let things happen...
Spencer didn't seem to find the gasp a satisfactory answer. He sat up, still with his legs around Morgan's waist. "Come on. Tell me what you want, sweetheart." His voice was sweet and innocent. Morgan wondered how he could manage that under the circumstances.
Morgan didn't say anything. He just reached for Spencer's belt buckle, letting his need take over.
"No. Derek, I don't think you understand. Just tell me what you want. Okay? And then I'll do anything you want..."
That was the moment Morgan couldn't take it anymore. He reached out and slapped Reid, right across the face.
Neither of them moved a muscle for several minutes. Spencer held up a hand to his face. It didn't have anything to do with the physical pain, but with the shock he was feeling. It was the only thing he could feel.
Eventually, he decided to break the silence. "You hit me."
As if those were the magic words, Morgan suddenly came to life. "I'm so sorry, baby! I don't know why I did that... I... Are you okay, honey? I'm so, so sorry..."
Morgan sat up with some difficulty (Spencer was still sitting on his lap,) and moved Spencer's hand away from his face, to look at the damage he had done. Spencer just let him. He didn't stop his lover from putting his arms around him and holding him close either. He just sat still and let Morgan do whatever he wanted to him.
"You hit me," he said again. Reid was still surprised. He didn't understand. This was Morgan -the man who loved him, the man who held him when he cried and kissed him goodnight every day. And he had just hit him. Spencer knew he sounded pitiful, but he was powerless to stop it.
"I know," Morgan said, still holding him. Spencer's own arms hung limply at his sides. Morgan was starting to sob. "I'm so sorry... I would never... I never wanted to hurt you Spence. You know that, right?"
"You hit me!" Spencer said; it was starting to seem real. "Why would you do that to me?"
Morgan cried into Reid's shoulder for a while. That's not fair! Spencer thought. He hit me! I should be the one crying! I should be upset. I should be yelling, not sitting here while he cries on my shoulder!
"I don't know... Spence, you have to believe me. I'm so sorry, honey. I'll never do anything like this again. That was the stupidest thing I've ever done," Morgan said. He paused for a minute. "I guess I was just mad... Oh, God. I shouldn't have done that... I'm such an idiot, Spence!"
Spencer thought about it. Morgan did seem genuinely sorry. But then why did he do it in the first place? How could he have so little control of his emotions? And why was he even mad in the first place? "You were mad? I didn't do anything wrong!"
"I know. I know, sweetie. You did nothing wrong, okay? It's all my fault. Do... do you want me to leave?"
Spencer shook his head. He was surprised that he didn't. He always looked at abused women and thought, Why did she stay with him? He thought he would never be so stupid. Reid thought that if Morgan did that, he would have kicked him out right away.
"Just, tell me why you did it. I... I need to know if this is something we can fix."
Morgan had finally stopped clinging to Spencer. He bit his lip, and nodded slowly. "It's just... When you said 'I'll do anything you want,' I got upset, okay? You shouldn't say things like that. You shouldn't let people do whatever they want to you!"
"You mean like hit me?" Reid asked, dryly.
"Yes! You should hate me for that. You should hate me for lots of things."
Spencer felt a pang of sympathy, for the first time since Derek had hit him. "Why should I hate you Morgan?" He didn't want to say Derek. No, he would have to prove himself worthy of a first name basis again.
Morgan looked away. He had mostly gotten control of his sobbing, but tears still escaped every now and then. "I think you know."
Suddenly, Spencer realized what was going on. God! I should have seen this earlier... I should have known! He reprimanded himself.
"Derek... Is this about what happened to you when you were a kid? What Carl Buford did to you?"
Morgan wouldn't look at his lover's eyes. "Maybe..."
"Oh, honey. You should have told me you felt that way." Spencer took Derek's face in his hands and forced him to make eye contact. "Listen to me Derek. I didn't 'let you' fuck me. We made love because we wanted to. It was perfectly consensual. I love you, Derek. That's why they call it making love. It's not something you should have to feel guilty about, okay? You're nothing like him, baby."
"Are you sure?" Morgan said, gently touching Spencer's face.
Spencer wiped Derek's tears away. "I'm sure, honey. I'm not mad. Just don't hit me again, okay? I don't like it." He took Morgan in his arms and held him tightly. He erupted into tears again. Spencer just kept saying "Shh," and "It's going to be okay, baby," as he rubbed Derek's back.
"I love you so much, Spencer. You have no idea."
"I love you, too Derek. Don't forget it, ever. You should tell me more of what you're feeling. So we can avoid situations like this in the future."
It wasn't until Morgan reached out and traced the zipper of his pants that Spencer realized they were both still sporting erections. God, what timing. He wondered if he was making his boyfriend uncomfortable.
"Umm... did you want to pick up where we left off?" Derek asked. Apparently, he was having the opposite effect.
"Are you sure you want to?" Spencer said. He was feeling more than a bit tentative, after everything that had just happened.
Morgan nodded and kissed him gently. "Yes... You've made me feel a lot better about all this. I'm glad I told you about this. I should have earlier. I promise I'll stop if it gets... uncomfortable. For either of us. Okay?"
Spencer promptly agreed. He took Morgan's shirt off, slowly. Derek returned the favor and then undid Spencer's bulging pants. They stripped away the rest of their clothes slowly, in order to watch each other carefully. Reid couldn't believe he had been able to ignore how hard he was.
He laid on the bed, fully naked. Morgan climbed on top of him and kissed him all over. First his neck, then his shoulders, then tracing down his spine.
"That feels really good," Spencer supplied.
"Yeah? Spread your legs a little more, babe," Derek said, grabbing the lube from its spot in the nightstand drawer.
In terms of pleasure, it was all very good. Maybe the best Spencer had ever had. But there was something unsettling about it all. He had to keep asking Derek if he was okay. They stopped a few times, waiting to catch their composure. Morgan cried most of the time. But in the end they had both came with a fire, moaning and screaming each other's names.
"Oh, God. Baby, that was amazing," Derek said.
"It was. You're so good. Have I ever told you that before?" Spencer said, knowing full well he had.
Morgan laughed. "Good night, Spence."
Spencer gave him the customary kiss. He wondered if things would just go back to normal. How could they, though? He held a sweaty and naked Derek Morgan in his arms all night, worrying about things to come, while his lover was getting the best sleep he had had in years.
A/N: I'm not sure if I'm going to leave this as a one-shot or if I'm going to continue. On one hand, I love this story. And the other I'm not sure it wouldn't be better to leave it like this. Let me know what you think. If people beg me to continue, I will. If I decide to continue (which I'm leaning towards) I might not update for as much as a week. Things are sort of crazy right now. Please, please, review. Because I need to be validated. Sorry. Thanks for reading!