A/N: PLEASE LOOK AT THIS FIRST.
I wrote this based on a picture that I found last night and the story behind it wouldn't let go, so I had to write it. Please look at the photo first if you can.
Thanks to OnTheTurningAway for fixing my errors.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Standing in the hotel room, I looked around and wondered why the fuck I kept doing this to myself. The story had never changed, we had only gotten older. For five years I had been in love with Edward Cullen and for five years, to everyone on the surface, I had been his good friend he met in college.
Edward and I met in college, on the first day of school. It was a fresh start for me, I was excited to finally be away from my home town and high school. I was in a place where I could be myself, where I didn't have to hide anymore. There would be no more sneaking around with boys, stealing kisses on the side of the building, in dark movie theaters and away from accusatory eyes. I was from a small town in Texas, population no homos.
When I walked into our shared dorm, I pegged Edward right away. He was your All-American boy. Captain of the football team, dated all the pretty girls, smart, came from money and 100% straight. When I laid eyes on him, as he ambled in, boxes stacked up to his startling green eyes, I fell hard. Edward was gorgeous, the stuff fantasies were made of, but I knew there would never be a chance for me to be anything more than the fag he had to room with.
I was wrong.
Looking out the windows that overlooked the Dallas skyline, my heart was broken. Any minute he was going to walk in the door for his "bachelor party". This was it, our last night together and then tomorrow, he was going to say "I do" to Jessica Stanley. Her father and Edward's father were long time friends and always knew that their children would end up married, merging together two families and two businesses as well. Edward always knew what was expected of him and being with a man romantically was not on the list.
It was never a secret, I always knew this day was coming, but I was desperate for anything I could get from him. Edward was the man I had built my world upon and we were the only ones who knew it. For him, I did what I said I would never do when I left Texas. For him I put myself back in the closet for five years. For him, I loved with all my heart and it was never enough. Tomorrow I would lose him, tomorrow my life would be over.
Tears rolled down my face, I didn't bother to hide them. This situation was earth-shattering for both of us, but his sense of loyalty to his family was greater than the love he had for me. Edward had argued against that point until we have screamed ourselves hoarse, but the fact remained, that if his love for me was stronger, he wouldn't be putting a ring on Jessica's finger and would not be making love to her by this time tomorrow.
That thought caused the nausea to roll through me and I ran to the bathroom, losing the contents of my stomach as wracking sobs hit me.
"Why?" I screamed into the empty room.
Wrapping my arms around the toilet, I cried his name into the porcelain bowl as my stomach kept expelling over and over again.
"Jasper," he said softly, as his hands brushed away the hair at the nape of my neck. My body automatically leaned into him, it always did. It was instinct.
Who the hell was I going to lean on tomorrow?
Edward wrapped his arms around my waist as he stretched his legs out on either side of me.
"I'm so sorry, my love, so fucking sorry," he whispered against my neck, kissing me softly before I felt his body shake. We had been doing this for days, crying, holding each other, making love instead of sleeping. We were trying to fit in a lifetime of love into a few short months. It was so unfair.
"Please don't," I cried, but I no longer knew what I was asking of him.
Please don't marry her.
Please don't leave me.
Please hold me and tell me it will all be okay.
Please make me yours forever.
Please make it stop hurting.
All of these things I had asked of him and none could he give me.
Slowly removing his arms from around me, I stood up and leaned over the sink, rinsing out my mouth before grabbing my toothbrush. I looked up and met his eyes in the mirror. He didn't look any better. His eyes were red-rimmed, swollen and lack-luster. His face was pale and drawn, he looked much older than his twenty-three years. His hands were poised, but he wasn't sure if he should touch me or not. I looked down into the sink and brushed the horrid taste out of my mouth, hoping he would tell me what I desperately wanted to hear.
When I was done, I walked into the room and looked out window. Outside it was grey and rainy, a perfect complement to my dismal mood. I could feel Edward's warmth behind me before his hands came around me and covered mine. Our fingers locked together and I leaned back into his chest. Closing my eyes, I let the salty drops fall and splash on our hands. There were no words that needed to be said, we both knew this was it. Edward sniffed behind me, and I knew his tears were landing in my hair.
His body started to sway, taking mine with him, and I began to cry harder when he hummed out loud. I turned in his arms and buried my face in his chest as the memory of our first kiss hit me full force.
Edward was sitting at his desk, working on homework. It was only the second week of school and I already had a favorite past-time, covert Edward watching. He was chewing on the end of his pencil, confused about something. Suddenly, with no warning, he looked up and caught me staring at him. I quickly dropped my gaze and acted like I was reading.
"Jasper," he said. "Are you going to that "get to you thy fellow classmate" dance Friday?"
I looked up at him and said shyly, "No."
I had to think of a reason and quick.
"Ummm," I stammered. "I can't dance?"
He laughed, that wonderful, deep laugh that made me want to taste him as he laughed into my mouth.
"You can't? Are you sure? You don't seem real positive there."
He stood up.
"Come on, I need company, let's see what you got."
He held his hand out to me and I stared at it with wide, shocked eyes.
He wanted me to dance with him?
"Don't be scared, I won't bite...let's see what you have to offer the ladies."
Oh man, this was a bad idea. My pants were already tight with my erection and I would die if he saw what the thought of dancing with him did to me.
Looking at him like he was crazy I said, "I'm not going to dance with you, Edward. That's silly."
He walked over to my desk and smirked, "You afraid to show me what you got there, Jasper?"
I swallowed and allowed him to pull me up.
"Umm, there's no music," I said timidly.
"That's what I'm here for," he said with a smile before he started humming a slow tune.
He wrapped his arms around me and started to sway, my arms hung at my sides, I was terrified to touch him.
"Don't worry, it's just me and you here, no one else will know you can't dance. Let me help you, I want you to come with me to the party."
Gingerly, I raised my arms and placed them on his back. He began to hum again, holding me close and I laid my head on his chest. I closed my eyes, savoring the feeling of being in his arms, knowing it would never happen again.
"It's not so hard, huh?" he asked.
I shook my head, letting him lead me, feeling my body move against him and keeping my hips away from his. Edward placed his chin on my head and I could feel the vibrations from his singing moving through the strands of my hair and I shivered in his embrace. He wrapped his arms around me tighter and slowly moved me around the room. His fingers were tracing light patterns on my shirt and his lips were moving in my hair.
For a moment in time I imagined that we were together, that it was my lover holding me in his arms, dancing with me in the moonlight. Lost in my fantasy, I lifted my head slightly and placed my mouth against his throat.
When I realized what I was doing, I hurriedly tried to disentangle myself, but he held me to him, not letting go. I felt his hand slowly inch up my back to the nape of my neck, his fingers gripping my hair and pulling my face back. His breathing was harsh and his heart was beating wildly.
My eyes were closed, afraid to see the hatred in his.
"Jasper," he whispered. "Look at me."
Slowly, I opened my eyes and would have fallen over had he not been holding me up. Edward's eyes were blazing, filled with emotion, but it wasn't hatred...no, it wasn't hatred at all...it was lust.
My loud gasp echoed in the silent room, the intensity of the emotion coming from him hit me right in the groin and I was throbbing with need for him. Never before had my reaction to someone been this visceral, the want I felt for him reverberated in every corner of my body.
We stared at each other for merely a moment before his gaze dropped down to my lips. His mouth opened slightly and his chest was slightly heaving. I wanted to grab his face and kiss his perfect, red mouth but I couldn't move.
"I can't..." he whispered brokenly, but he didn't move his eyes from my mouth. I wanted to let him know it wasn't just him, I wanted this too if he wanted me, so I placed to of my fingers against my lips, kissing them and then slowly moving them until they laid against Edward's. He closed his eyes, straining with a decision inside his head. His hand came to rest over mine, holding my fingers against his mouth until I felt the warm, wet heat of his tongue before he drew the two fingers into his mouth.
"Oh god," I cried gently when I felt him moving his tongue over and between them. He sucked on them hard once before releasing them.
"Jasper," he hissed before his mouth came down and connected with mine.
As soon as I felt his lips against mine, the light exploded behind my eyes and I opened up my mouth under his. Edward's tongue plunged in and as soon as our tastes melded together in a flurry of passion and need, I knew that this man was made for me.
If I knew then what I know now, I never would have stood up for that dance.
You can say that all you want, Jasper...but the truth is, you wouldn't have traded any of the time you had with Edward.
Edward held me against him as he continued to hum brokenly, stopping occasionally to control the emotion he felt too. I plastered my entire body against his, trying to hold him as close as possible, to take as much of him as I could with me when he walked out the door tomorrow and never returned.
That was what we decided, to go our separate ways, it would be too hard any other way. There was no way either one of us would ever be okay just being friends and even if we just maintained a correspondence by email things could still tread in dangerous territory if we became too desperate. It was time for me to start a life without him, I would be his dirty secret no more and I would not be an adulterer either.
"I love you," he whispered. "Forever, Jasper...I will love you."
Edward kissed me, holding my face in both of his hands and pouring all his love and desperation into the kiss. His sobs caught in the back of his throat as his tongue moved slowly in and around my mouth and I stood there, not participating, letting him take what he needed. It was what I had always done. I knew if I kissed him back right now, I would likely drop to me knees sobbing and begging him to run away with me and leave it all behind, but I wouldn't. I had tried that and it didn't work. I would hold onto the last fragments of pride I had left.
He buried his mouth in the crook of my neck and openly wept, clawing at my body, pulling at my hair and still I stood there. I felt like with this kiss, he had finally broken the last of me. The road ahead of me was stark, black and devoid of life and joy. It was going to be long and winding and I would be lost along the way. I only hoped I was strong enough to see it to the end and not give up when my shattered soul couldn't take anymore.
His sobs were getting louder and more desperate and then he pulled back, anger seething beneath the surface of his beautiful eyes and he shoved me back.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He cried. "Do you feel nothing? Was it all just a fling for you?"
Standing there, trying not to lose my temper, I let him get it out. I didn't want the last memory I had of Edward to be yelling and screaming, but I was on the verge of snapping if he didn't watch his mouth. He was hurting, I knew that, but what he was saying was vengeful. He knew it was a far cry from the actual truth.
Edward grabbed the front of my shirt and hauled me to his chest, "Kiss me, damn you!"
He smashed his lips into mine once more and when I went to take a breath, he pushed his tongue in again. My eyes were closed and I was willing my body not to participate, but if this was going to be the last time to hold him, to make love to him, to feel his naked body against mine, I was close to giving in.
Edward shook me while his mouth tried to get mine to move with his, then desperately, he started pounding my chest with his fists and I caved. I grabbed his wrists in my hands, holding them in place while kissing him back. My heart was crumbling into my body as I swept his mouth, licking every secret place that only I knew about. They were mine, he was mine and nothing would ever change that.
Not a woman, not a ring, not a vow...nothing.
Edward's hands began to undo the buttons of my shirt, taking his time, gingerly slipping each one through the hole. His hands weren't always this sure when he undressed me. He had come a long way.
We were standing in our dorm room, nearly a month since our first kiss, the night we had danced. All of our experimental touching and kissing over the past few weeks had been done tentatively and over our clothing. We had been kissing, always standing, never laying down and Edward's hand drifted under my shirt. His fingers on my skin had made me jump back. It was amazing, the feeling of his touch made my body feel like it was on fire. Never once in all my adolescent fumbling had I felt a connection like the one I had with Edward. He touched my soul immediately and the love I already felt for him grew.
"Is this okay?" he asked, his hands shaking as they reached for the buttons of my shirt.
"Yes," I whispered, standing there, letting him lead this...whatever this was that was developing between us.
He stepped closer to me and his hands shook even harder as he tried to undo the top button. I placed my hands on his to calm him.
I knew it was hard for him, to have the desire he did for me, it was something he had never felt for another man.
"Let me," I said, using his fingers and mine to undo each one, his eyes becoming more hooded and his breathing more erratic as inch after inch of my chest was revealed to him.
"Jesus fucking Christ, Jasper...you are..." he leaned forward and placed his mouth on my collar bone as his hands explored my torso and abdomen. My moans were swallowed by the air around us as I gave in to the sensation of Edward touching me so intimately.
That night, we both learned the feel of one another without our shirts on and for the first time, let the hardness of our erections glide against one another as we touched and kissed.
That night, Edward and I came together for the first time.
That night, Edward told me he was falling in love with me.
That night, Edward told me we could never have a forever.
That night, Edward broke my heart for the first time. It was the first of many.
I let Edward remove all of my clothing until I was standing before him naked, my body as exposed as my soul. I watched as he removed his clothes piece by piece until he was before me, beautifully nude and hard. I couldn't handle it, I fell to my knees an the floor and buried my face in my hands as I let the sorrow and devastation flow from me at what I was losing. Never again would I be whole, never again would I be truly happy, never again would I make love.
It would be something different, with someone else.
It would be sex, a release, fucking...never love making, for I would never love another like I did Edward.
Edward's strong arms scooped me up and he walked over to the bed, placing me there and laying down next to me. His words and hands soothed me, trying to ease the burning ache that was consuming me. His fingers drifted over my skin, touching everywhere, memorizing the contours of my body. He laid behind me and I felt his mouth on my shoulder, kissing and biting into my skin.
"Jasper, make love to me," he rasped as his mouth trailed down my back. I let him push me onto my stomach, and he laid on top of me. His mouth slowly trailed down my spine and I felt the pillow getting wetter and colder under my cheek. My body was a live wire, everything I felt for Edward buzzing to life under my skin. Edward pressed his forehead into my back, sighing and letting his tears fall there for a moment before he continued.
I felt Edward's warm breath against the base of my spine. His fingers dug painfully into my hips and he cried out, "Goddammit...why?" Then his teeth scraped the skin of my ass before his fingers spread me wide. The damp heat of his mouth combined with the finger circling my entrance caused me to cry out his name before I felt his tongue lick and slide into my body and I writhed underneath him.
My body was his, it would always be, no matter how heartbroken I was, I needed him.
"Edward...please," I said in a raspy voice.
Edward turned me over, his features showing the amount of love and devastation he felt at this moment. His haunted green eyes looked at me and more clear beads rolled down his face and onto my stomach.
"Jasper...so sorry," he whimpered as he swallowed more cries. I kept my mouth shut, knowing if I said anything right then, the tidal wave of grief would flow.
I sat up and scooted back against the headboard. Edward crawled up and reached to the side. He poured lube over my shaft, stroking up and down before placing his hands on my shoulder and lowering himself onto me. Neither one of us had ever been with another and tomorrow, all that would change.
"Goddamn you, Edward," I said quietly as the burning in my nose and throat quickly gave way to broken sobs.
"Goddamn you," I said over and over again and I moved him up and down over me. He finally leaned forward to kiss me, effectively shutting me up. He tasted wonderful and I had to pull away.
"How am I supposed to say goodbye to you?" I wept, watching the anguish etched into his face as he broke down with me. Our bodies shook with the sheer agony of what lay ahead, but he kept moving over me.
"You don't," he whispered into my ear. "I'll say goodbye, kiss you one last time and walk away."
No," I screamed as I started clawing at his skin, my breaths coming in shot spurts as I choked on the misery that filled my chest. I pushed him backwards, never separating our bodies, staying buried inside the man that I loved with every fiber of my soul.
"Jasper," he said brokenly as I showed him with every thrust of my hips that I was his. He was mine. This wasn't over, even when he left, I would always have this memory.
"When I said that I loved you, Edward, it was forever, never forget that...okay?" I said desperately, begging him to never forget what we had.
What we felt.
How we were perfect together.
How we loved.
How the end came too quickly.
"I'll never forget, Jasper...never forget you, I promise," he sobbed against my lips. The saltiness of our tears was on the end of our tongues as our mouths made love to one another and our bodies shuddered and released together.
I collapsed on top of him, curling up into him, not caring that I was laying in sticky wetness. Edward's arms wrapped around me and we lay like that until we fell asleep hours later, both exhausted and overcome by grief.
When morning came, we showered together, not saying a word. We stood under the scalding spray of the shower, letting it cleanse the salt, sweat and final evidence of our lovemaking off our bodies. When we got out, I wrapped a towel around my waist and stood by the window, looking out at the beautiful sky. Never once did I watch Edward get ready for his wedding. I couldn't.
When he was finally dressed, Edward walked over to me, put his hands on my shoulders and turned me to face him. I kept my eyes closed, unable to look at him, to see him dressed and ready to go to her.
His lips pressed gently to my forehead and I felt a lone tear fall onto my nose.
"Goodbye, Jasper...I love you...try to be happy...can you try? For me," he said, weeping softly as he turned to go.
I listened to him walk to the door, heard it open and then finally, heard it close.
When I opened my eyes, the room was empty and still I stood there, my eyes on the clock.
My heart pounded with the slight hope that he would be back, that he wouldn't be able to go through with it, but as I watched the clock chime at the hour he was to be married, hope faded.
The minute hand moved painfully slow, but eventually an hour passed and he never returned. My phone never rang. The hotel phone was silent as well.
That was the moment I knew I had lost it all, he wasn't coming back, I would never see him again.
The devastation was overwhelming and I collapsed in a heap on the floor, crying for love found and lost and for the part of my heart that whithered up and died when Edward walked out the door.
My forever was gone, sealed with a kiss.
A/N: This is it, there will be no continuation, no HEA. My life has some very sad things going on and when I saw the picture, it called to me to write this and was very cleansing for me. That being said, knowing it will not have another chapter, please let me know what you think as this is the first time I have written something like this.