Isn't Love Funny?
Well. Ok. Not really. It's actually quite sad.
But it is rather odd.
The way he loves.
You'd have thought, what with him having two hearts and everything, that he'd be more accustomed to this feeling. That he'd have enough room in there to feel this way about many more people than he actually does.
It's just...right now...he thinks that maybe he doesn't. Not completely. He couldn't have. Not when this feels so new, so different, so special.
He has loved before. Of course he has. Perhaps. And if he can't quite remember it, then shame on him.
If he can't quite remember how it felt, who it was for...well. It doesn't matter anymore. Gone now. But he's sure it must have been there. At some point.
He doesn't really know.
Honestly? He doesn't remember ever feeling this way.
Maybe he's incapable of loving at all. Maybe what he feels now isn't love. How can he know, after all? If he can't remember how it feels...
He just knows that this is different. She's different.
He's cared about people; befriended many and lost them all, fairly quickly in comparison with his long lifetime. He cares about different planets - and the universe in general. Saving it. Experiencing it. He loves the travelling and the helping and now...the enjoyment of it all is even greater than ever before. And he thinks, maybe – just maybe – that now, it's not the travelling he loves, as much as it is the person who he is travelling with...
Of course, once upon a time, he lost everything; everyone.
And he was scared before. He thought he'd always be alone. Despite his outstanding ability to pick up humans and mould them into companions, friends...he has always been lonely, underneath it all. Even before the War. And then, after...
...he thought he'd always be lonely.
Is that what love does?
It's what someone's love has done. For him. Made him better.
He was a shell of a man; full of hatred and anger and remorse. Holding that all-consuming guilt in his hearts, closing himself off once and for all. He swore that he'd never let himself feel any sort of real devotion for someone or something else; if losing something he'd always ran away from hurt as much as that, imagine what he'd feel like if he lost something he'd grown accustomed to being around all the time. Like, his last ever banana, for example.
Ha. Of course not. He knows what he means. Or rather, who...
He could live without bananas – just – but not her. Definitely not without her.
He was powerless to stop it. He knows that now. Despite his vow to himself, he needed someone. But not just anyone.
The way she looks – whether it's all dishevelled and natural of an early morning, or excited and flushed after a sprint away from an alien, or dressed up and gorgeous in a sparkly dress of an evening out – she makes his hearts speed up to a pace at which he is sure only usually happens after he has been electrocuted.
Her smile lights up the console room – any room – and he always finds himself smiling in return, even when she's insulted him in some way. Her laughter is as contagious as her smile, and he always finds himself chuckling – no, giggling – at times when it is most inappropriate. Which is all the time, really – Time Lords don't giggle. It is most undignified. But there you are. That's Rose for you. Making him break the rules again.
And then there's her chocolate brown eyes watching him with that mischievous, adventurous glint that he loves so much. And then he sees it; that longing in her eyes, that love for him, a love he never thought he'd receive from anyone, least of all a young human girl. He frequently matches her gaze, staring at her with equal intensity, trying to tell her that he returns her feelings, even if he never says it.
He loves everything about her. Even her sometimes naive state of mind, her ability to see right through his lies – which really, he only tries to tell for her benefit – her too-trusting nature, her stubbornness...no, wait. He especially loves her stubbornness. It's what keeps bringing her back to him, after all.
He's found someone who – however unlikely a match they may seem, what with them being different species and all – completes him and makes him feel alive.
He loves her.
No, it's more than that.
The Doctor has fallen in love with Rose Tyler. Quite quickly, it would seem.
And now he's scared.
He knows that it's going to happen. 'It' being: one day, he'll have to lose her too. And that would shatter his hearts that one final time. And he knows, he knows, he could never feel this way again. This feeling...Oh, he'd do anything to keep a hold of it. That's the problem, really. Now he has these feelings; now he has her, how is he ever going to let her go? He'll have to, one day. Let her live a normal life, with a man who could give her all the things he can't and won't.
However much he cares about her, he knows that she can never be truly his. Not when she's human, with a life expectancy of a mere seventy years or so, and he's a 900-odd year old Time Lord who doesn't age.
And yet, he can't let her go. Not quite yet. Anyway, even if he wanted to, he couldn't lose her. She's stubborn is his girl, and she's always found a way back to him. They've been 200,000 years apart and that didn't stop her; fighting fleets of Daleks didn't stop her; him regenerating and looking completely different didn't stop her; almost getting killed on a daily basis doesn't stop her.
People come and go, but not Rose Tyler. She's here, and she's here to stay.
Nothing ever stops her from holding his hand.
Except maybe getting stuck in a parallel universe. Yeah. That did it.
But he knows. As the tears fall down, he knows.
As he sits there in the console room on his own after Martha's gone to bed, he thinks of Rose. Sometimes he talks to her. That's how crazy he's going, thanks to missing her so much. Talking to an image in his mind. But even through all that, he knows.
He believes in her.
She'll come back. She always does. He'll live on, without her for a while, but it won't be for long. One day, he'll be able to hug her again.
So what if the breach between worlds is closed off? Ha. That won't stop her. It won't. It really, really won't.
His hand feels empty, and so do his hearts.
He needs her.
And so, she's coming back.
It's funny, how love can make you believe in, fight, and defeat the impossible. And that's what they will do. Because there is nothing, absolutely nothing funny about the woman you love being stuck in another universe. Nothing funny at all.
She came back.
And what did he do? He sent her away again.
Except, this time, he knows it's for good.
She won't come back to him now, because she has him, in a way. Well, in every way. He's the same mad old Doctor, maybe even madder now he has a bit of Donna's DNA. He loves her just the same, because he is him, and he'll never let go of her hand so long as he's with her, because he is him. He needs her, and so does he.
But this one, the proper one, the fully Time Lord Doctor – however much he needs her – knows that she needs him too, and if he doesn't let her have this chance at a normal (-ish) life with a normal (ish) human man, who can give her the marriage, the kids, the house that he never could, he'll only break her heart later on, and then what would she have? At least now she has the chance to be happy. The chance to love, and be loved – properly, completely, unrestrictedly – in return. By him but not-quite-him.
And that's enough to make him smile, on this saddest of days, after losing her, then losing his dear Donna.
Love's funny like that. You do things that others would think you insane for doing. You become self-less as much as you become selfish. More so, in this case. And even as you sacrifice everything; even as your hearts are breaking, you can still smile, for hers isn't. Hers is complete and full and happy.
That's enough to make him smile.
Knowing that Rose is happy. And, no doubt, being brilliant. Brave, blonde, beautiful - but most of all brilliant – that's his Rose.
Even as the tears fall once again, he knows. He knows now...
Oh yes. He knows now. For certain.
This Time Lord's hearts have known love at long last.
And this Time Lord's hearts will never forget that.
She will always be remembered. Her name may one day fail to pass from his lips; he may refrain from telling future friends about her. But he will never forget. And in his mind, his dreams, his hearts, his soul...she will be his. Forever. Just like she promised.
People come and go. Even Rose Tyler. But where the other names pass by his memories and often become forgotten through Time, hers won't be. Not ever.
Even through the escalating pain of the beginnings of regeneration, he knows he has to see her one last time.
He is collecting his reward. He has seen all his other friends, the people who have fought so much for him, lost so much for him. The people who mean so much to him. And now? He has to see her. The one who made him better; the one who made him look like he looks now; the one who made him love.
The one who means even more to him than anyone in the whole universe. Any universe.
He won't talk to her; he can't risk a paradox like that.
The pain is too much, worsened by seeing her but not being able to hold her. He cries out and she notices him in the shadows.
A conversation comes and goes and she's walking away. Always walking away. He should let her go, lest he risks her seeing him properly, but he can't quite...he just...he wants...
He's not sure what year it is. So he asks her. And she answers.
It's glorious. Being able to talk with her again.
And after all that, hearing her voice, her laugh...seeing her beautiful smile, her blonde hair...
He really doesn't want to go. Not when this body has been with her and seen her and loved her. He doesn't want to change, and risk his feelings for her changing. Not that they could, not really. He knows that. They didn't when he regenerated last time, after all. He'll love her forever, whichever body he has next, or the one after that and so on. Love's funny like that, he realises now. Well. Not funny. Heartsbreaking more like. But anyway...love never dies. Whatever little experience he's had of it before is overshadowed by his love for Rose Marion Tyler.
And his love for her will be eternal, even when she is not.
And as much as it makes him feel sad and lonely and incredibly lost without her, he knows he would rather feel that – the remnants of a good love lost – than nothing at all. He can remember everything about her, all the memories they shared together, everything – that's the thing about Time Lord brains: a bit like his hearts, his mind will always keep his memory of everything 'Rose' at the forefront of his mind. Easy access, in times of crisis to think about how she would solve the problem; in times of sadness when he remembered how she'd console him and then make him laugh uncontrollably; in times of loneliness to daydream about her smile and her eyes and her everything.
And as the fire of regeneration burns within him, he thinks of her, and how he never told her, and how she'll never see this new form of his, and how he'll always, always, always miss her.
Last time this happened, he had her to look after him. Now that he hasn't, he reckons it's about time he started looking after himself again.
And so, with his memories of her to keep him company always, Ten becomes Eleven, and the Doctor lives on.
Without his Rose.
And in a world far, far away – in another universe, in fact – a once-lonely woman becomes a passionate lover. Then an amazing wife. Then a doting mother.
She's finally allowing herself to be the happiest woman in all of creation. She's got everything and everyone she needs, right there, in her parallel world. Him.
And yes, she misses a life she once lived, a man she still loves, friends she still cares about.
But she's brilliant. She's living a fantastic life, just like he wants. And you know what?
So is her husband.
A/N: I cried a little when writing this. Probably because I was playing that heartbreaking Doomsday track on the DW series 2 soundtrack CD at the time. But I hope you like it :D
Mucho Amor xxx