HI GUYSSSSS! DID YOU ALL MISS ME! I know you did don't lie. So, I have been gone so long because I am currently finishing up seven other stories. BUT! While we wait for those oneshots, how bout a Snarry to shake things up a bit? So, based off that brilliant Madonna song, ladies and gentlemen, LIKE A VIRGIN!

Notes: I shake a few things up in this one. Sirius and Remus are alive, neither are married to ANYBODY! (That means YOU Tonks.) Dumbledore is dead, and the final battle happened in Harry's sixth year, so we may see a few death eater attacks in this one (wink wink) but no Voldie. Sorry.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, if I did we all know what Draco and Harry WOULD have been doing in the forbidden forest during first year... *wink wink*

Harry Potter looked at himself in the mirror of his dorm's bathroom. His seventh year at Hogwarts had begun two weeks ago and so far Harry was off to a good start. Upon learning that Harry could now use magic seeing as he was seventeen, his relatives hadn't participated this summer in the daily beatings that Harry was used to having whenever he was home. So, he had managed a rather peaceful, albeit lonely, summer. When July rolled around he had been taken to the Weasley's for his birthday where he had been reunited with his favorite family and his two best friends.

Now summer was over and Harry couldn't say that he was sad to see it go. Gods Harry had missed Hogwarts. He had easily adjusted to being back in his school; fell back into his usual schedule. Seeing as it was they were seventh years, Harry's entire graduating class had the opportunity of observing their teachers this year and could decide to apprentice one or more of them.

Harry was mostly thinking of apprenticing Defense Against the Dark Arts. First off it was his best subject by far, he excelled above everyone else in his grade. It also gave him the chance to spend more time with Remus, who had come back to teach. When Dumbledore had died last year in the final battle McGonagall had become headmistress. Her first acts were to give Remus his old position and give her old subject, transfiguration, to Harry's godfather Sirius Black.

If all of that wasn't enough, Harry had managed to go two weeks and only lose ten points from Snape and get only four nasty remarks. This was a major improvement. Not only on Snape's attitude, but on Harry's as well. It's much easier to be happy when your crush of two years isn't being mean to you.

No need to go and read that paragraph again, you read it correctly. Harry has in fact had a crush on Sev- excuse me, Snape, ever since the pensieve incident in fifth year. At first he thought it was just pity and sympathy, but soon he began watching Snape. He became infatuated by all of the man's little quirks. How he sucked in his cheeks a bit when thinking, how he was left handed when writing but right handed during everything else, how his head was always tilted up a little, as if in pride of whom he was. What captivated Harry the most however was how his voice was so... steady. He never stuttered, never corrected anything he said. His voice never wavered in strength, so perfect that whenever he spoke Harry couldn't be bothered to notice anything around him. The only downside was that Malfoy, noticing this, had taken to dropping foreign ingredients in Harry's potions while Snape was talking.

But Harry could deal with that. He was too happy to be worried about it. You see Harry had a plan... A master plan, unstoppable from any angle. You see in Harry's fourth year he had discovered that he and Neville were the only two Gryffindor virgins left in their year. (Ron had lost it to a girlfriend he had been dating for several months in third year, Hermione had lost it to Victor Krum, the Parvati and Lavender lost theirs to two Beauxbatons boys and Seamus and Dean had lost it to each other.)

This didn't bother Harry much until this discovery caused Neville to go out immediately and have sex with some hufflepuff girl to avoid teasing. For no apparent reason Harry had been slightly offended when he did this, and when the others asked who he, Harry was going to have sex with he quickly told them; no one.

Harry didn't think there was anything at all wrong with being a virgin at fourteen, or fifteen, sixteen OR seventeen for that matter! He didn't see anything wrong with sex either, but he was indignant that people thought being a virgin was grounds enough for someone to be made fun of. So in his fourth year Harry had made a promise to himself that he would not have sex until he had graduated Hogwarts, and still in seventh year he was keeping to his vow.

This is where his master plan comes in. He was going to apprentice two teachers, Remus of course, and Severus Snape. Yup, risky I know, there are so many things that could go wrong already but when you're in love the flaws of everything become blurred. Yes, Harry was going to apprentice Snape, he'd sign up in a week and then have the entire school year to make the potions master fall in love with him, then after graduation, the two of them would make passionate love on a velvet bed covered in rose petals surrounded by candles.

Or at least that's how it went down in Harry's mind.

But really, how could it go wrong?

Severus sat in his bedroom down in the dungeons drying his hair after a shower. Today was the day that the brats all signed up for apprenticeships. Severus hated having to turn down all of those hopeful students.

It wasted his time.

Every year a group of unintelligent nim-wits decided that they had what it took to be a potions apprentice, and every year Severus proved them wrong. His last apprentice was two years ago and she went home that summer crying after two weeks. Each apprentice got to work with their master's during the school year, and then if the teacher chose, the student could continue their studies during the summer.

Severus didn't have much hope for this year's students either save maybe two or three. Although as far as first months of school went, this one had been rather calm. Longbottom had succeeded in only blowing up one cauldron, Granger had managed to not be as much of an insufferable know it all- Snape scoffed, she was just to busy playing footsie with Weasley under the desks- Malfoy had gotten over himself a little since the end of the war. But without a doubt the most impressive change was that of Harry Potter. He had actually been getting potions correct this year, save the times when Draco added things to his cauldron when he thought Snape wasn't looking. Severus had only been forced to take ten points from the boy for spilling a vile of bat's blood on the second day. What's more is that every time Severus was talking and looked around the room he always spotter Potter sitting in the front row, leaning on his fist, staring back at Severus as though he were the most fascinating thing in the world.

This made things a lot easier on Severus. It's much easier to have a crush on someone when they're not acting like a hormonal teenager...

You know, if you keep doing double takes like that your neck is going to start hurting. What, you think I'm joking? Fine! Read it again it's right there in black and white! Severus Snape has a crush on Harry Potter. Actually, brace yourself... he might have a bit more than just a crush... You see, it all started in Harry's fifth year during those damned occlumency lessons.

Severus had always believed that Potter grew up as a spoiled rotten brat, doted on and praised and treated like a prince. It wasn't until he used occlumency on the boy that Severus saw how wrong he was. He watched in awe as Harry suffered horrible and violent beatings at the hands of his uncle aunt and cousin. He was horrified to see that Harry grew up in a closet, and found that strangely enough he was developing a deep urge to go find the Dursley's and curb stomp them... odd.

After that Severus began to watch Harry more carefully, and began criticizing himself for never seeing it before. The boy wasn't cocky, just confident which in all fairness isn't a bad quality. He always appeared to be thinking about his friends and their feelings, and not as much his own. Severus, much to his horror, found himself noticing things about Potter he had never seen before. Like for example the fact that he bit his bottom lip when thinking, or that when he was out reading books in the courtyard he tied his bangs back so they'd stay out of his eyes. Yes, as much as he'd tried to deny it last year sealed the deal for Severus. When he watched Harry through himself in front of his stupid mutt of a godfather to take the cruciatus curse, and then stand back up with tears falling down his cheeks just to battle with the Dark Lord Severus knew it was a lost cause.

Severus was in l-l-love with Harry Potter. Ouch.

So he had devised a genius plan. Nothing could go wrong. Are you ready for this? So, he would start by recommending the boy for a potion apprenticeship. This would allow him to spend hours on end, and many evenings alone with Harry. It would also give him the chance to seduce Harry gradually, and in a relaxed manner, so as to not scare the boy. You see, Severus' master plan ended as such; have sex with Harry Potter before the end of the year.

What could go wrong?

Naivety is always amusing isn't it folks?

YAY! First chapter is done. If you're nice (and review) I'll have another one up before you know it. All flames will be used to heat up Severus' shower. 3