I Can't Feel My Feet and . . . Other Parts
Amy/11, AU, what would have happened if Amy had chosen the Doctor? [End of "Amy's Choice" rewrite (b/c I don't like Rory); songfic to Odd One by Sick Puppies]
Amy had a choice to make. An impossibly, gruelingly, horrible and awful choice she had to make. On one hand she had the Doctor, the man – er, alien – who offered her the only thing she truly ever wanted: escape. However, on the other hand she had Rory, the man who was always by her side whenever the Doctor wasn't. And, along with these men, she had the choices between two worlds; one was on the TARDIS, exploring new worlds, being in almost constant life-threatening danger, and seeing things that no one back home could even dream of with the Doctor. The other life, with Rory, wasn't quite so exciting, or deadly, but it was quiet and calm and a great place to raise a family.
But Amy wasn't sure that she even wanted a family, she wasn't even positive that she wanted to be in Ledworth. Hell, for that matter, she wasn't even sure what she was doing with Rory. No! She thought, that is not how you're supposed to think about the man that you love! But did she really love him? The thought trickled into her conscious like a pebble falling before the avalanche. As soon as she thought that a torrent of thoughts came rushing into her mind. Why am I with Rory? Why do I have to lead a "normal" life? What's so special about Ledworth, anyway? Nothing ever happens there! I can't live life in a boring little town, and I can't stave off the boredom by being pregnant all the time!
Amy was sure that what she was going to do was right, but how she was going to go about doing it – that she wasn't so sure of. She woke up – or went to sleep, this whole thing was confusing the daylights out of her – and found her pregnant self in what was going to be the baby's room. "How did I get up here?" She asked Rory in a sudden panic. "I carried you. Sorry in advance for the bruising." He said. Amy gazed at him from across the room, his beak nose and beady eyes were the first things to catch her attention. She wondered what it was that she ever loved about them. What she ever found appealing about his boring little figure, his boring little imagination – or lack thereof – his boring little hopes and dreams, all of them were just that: boring and little. Amy wanted excitement and grandeur in her life, and for that she needed the Doctor.
"Listen, Rory-," She began, and just as soon as she did the Doctor came in through the window. She could feel her heart beat against her chest, she wondered if it looked anything like those old cartoons when they saw someone they liked. She wondered if her heart beat was audible, because in her own head it drowned out everything else. She heard a scream, and saw one of the old people in the window. It wasn't until she fell to the floor in pain that she realized Rory was the one who screamed. Amy looked into the eyes of both the Doctor and Rory. Rory's were brimming with tears, but the Doctors looked conflicted with anger, love, and loss.
Amy's heart thudded loudly in her head as the pain increased. She watched herself disintegrate into a pile of ash. She woke up freezing on the floor of the TARDIS, the poncho that she had so crudely made out a blanket still draped over her. She sat up; ice clung to every inch of her exposed skin and her hair. Amy shivered as she watched Rory and the Doctor slowly start to get up as well. She moved slowly to look at the scientifically impossible star that was burning cold. She heard the doctor say something about this world being a dream, too, and she turned around. She could see that words coming out of his mouth, but she couldn't hear his voice until he said something to the effect of "I'm going to blow up the TARDIS," and explained that they were choosing between two dreams.
When Amy woke up, she was in her room in the TARDIS, no wedding ring, and no baby. She looked up at her ceiling, trying to form the words she was going to say to Rory in her mind. But the more she tried to come up with ideas, the more flustered she got and decided just to say the first thing that popped into her head when she saw him. Amy got up and ran out of the room, looking for both Rory and the Doctor. When she saw Rory she immediately blurted out, "I can't marry you. I can't because . . . ," Her voice trailed off and she saw the Doctor. He was down below, sitting on the swing, fiddling with something on the TARDIS, and pretending like he wasn't listening in.
"Let's talk about this somewhere with a little more privacy." Amy insisted, so they went back along the hall that led to Amy's room, but stopped half-way there.
"Look, Rory-," Amy began, but was interrupted.
"Amy, I know what you're going to say, so . . . please, just don't say it out loud." Rory searched Amy's eyes for something, anything that resembled remorse or pity so that he could exploit her over-reactive emotions. But he only found relief, and something like thankfulness, and when he saw those he quickly gave up.
But soon her thoughts changed and she questioned, "What was I going to say, Rory? For all you know I could have been about to say that I couldn't marry you because I'm already legally married to someone else. For all you know I could have been about to say something completely different. So, what was I going to say, Rory?
"Probably, something to the effect of 'I can't marry you because I'm in love with the Doctor and if I marry you then it will only cause us both emotional turmoil that is unnecessary and extensive.' Oh, and you'd have probably thrown in something about us getting a divorce in five years anyway." Rory had almost read her mind exactly, but Amy in her pride wasn't going to tell him that. She only nodded her head, and gave an agreeing scoff.
"Look, I don't know if it'd help you out any, but the reason we ended up back in the TARDIS, in the dream TARDIS I mean, is because the Doctor pretty much killed us both. I was willing to live a life without you in my perfect little world – the Doctor, on the other hand, well, he damn near tore the entire cottage apart trying to kill himself . . . and me." Rory put his hands on Amy's shoulders, making sure that she looked him in the eyes. "Amy, the Doctor was willing to die, not knowing if it was the dream or not, just because you were gone. He nearly killed us both in the process, too! Look, all I wanted to say was that I need to go home, to our time, and you need to stay here."
He put his hand up to Amy's face, "Now, if you ever change your mind, tomorrow could come whenever you want it too."
Amy gave him a look. Rory smiled and said, "You know, I thought that'd be your reaction. I couldn't help but offer."
"So, is this good-bye, then?" Amy asked as tears of happiness and sorrow fell silently.
"Who knows? Maybe . . . maybe not. I mean, you are on a time-traveling-spaceship." They both laughed, and sobered in equal amounts of time, and Amy spoke, "Rory, I want you to know that it was never a question of me not loving you. I do love you, but I'm not in love with you, and I think that's what makes the difference."
"I know. I know. So, time for me to go home, don't you think?" Rory and Amy left the hallway, and found the Doctor exactly where they had left them.
"So? What about you two? Should I drop you both off at the registration office?" The Doctor said through his plastered smile.
"Come up here and we'll tell you," Amy hollered to the Doctor, and then looked at Rory, "Together."
"Okay, what is it, where . . . to?" The Doctor began in his normal spew of words at a mile a minute, but finished hesitantly. Both Rory and Amy had looks on their faces like children who were about to admit to drawing on the walls.
"Doctor, about the registration office-," Amy started, Oh, no, not now. Not another one. The Doctor thought.
"-It's a yes, and a no."
"I'm the yes, she's the no." Rory said quickly after Amy had finished.
"What? I'm sorry, what?" The Doctor was in complete awe.
"Well, you see Doctor, we love each other, but we aren't in love with each other. I'm going home, Amy . . ., well, she wants to stay here." Rory took charge, a first in his life.
The Doctor was completely awestruck, and flabbergasted. For once he was speechless.
"That's if it's alright with you." Amy said quietly. She looked up at the Doctor from under her long eyelashes, sheepishly almost.
"Yeah, yeah, of course it's alright with me. Are you both sure?" The Doctor wanted to give Amy one last chance to back out, but like the feisty redheaded woman he knew her reaction would be, "Of course we're both sure, do you think we would have said it just to be funny?" From behind the console the Doctor gave a silent sigh of relief.
The TARDIS materialized and let Rory off back almost exactly where the Doctor had left him before trying to set up a date for him and Amy back in Venice. Amy hugged Rory one last time before the TARDIS dematerialized and then they were gone.
Amy fell against the doors of the TARDIS crying. She just left the man that loved her, to be with the alien that she loved. Deep inside, she felt guilty for not loving Rory the way that he deserved. He had been there for her when the Doctor wasn't. He was always there for her, and she never really saw just how much he loved her until now, when he was gone. Suddenly Amy felt hesitant arms wrap around her. She looked up into the eyes of the Doctor, holding her, comforting her, telling her with his silence that he truly did love her.
Odd one you're never alone,
I'm here and I will reflect you,
Both of us basically unattached to anything or anyone unless we're pretending.
The Doctor surprised Amy by picking her up with one fowl swoop, and carrying her back through the hallway she and Rory had split up in, and then laying her down on her bed.
You live your life in your head,
Some call it imagination.
Amy broke the silence by saying very quietly, "Thanks for not showing up in five minutes." She wasn't being sarcastic; it was a genuine thank you.
"What, why?" The Doctor seemed confused that she would say such a thing.
"Because if you had shone up in five minutes like you said, then I'd have never met Rory, and these feelings for you would never have developed the way they have." Amy babbled on sitting upright in her bed.
"And if these feelings for you had never been there then I would have made the biggest mistake in my life and I'd have married Rory and our life would have been just the way that it had been in that dream: boring except for the baby on the way. I'd have become a stay at home parent while Rory was out playing doctor to old people." Her words came out in a rush, but still the Doctor heard and understood every word she said.
He forced a frown and said, "Why don't you just lay down a bit? It's been a long day and we have more adventures to go on, and I don't think you'd like to pass out during one of those." He smiled. Amy lay back down again, but didn't close her eyes. Not long ago she was looking at the same ceiling trying to find the words to end her relationship with Rory. Now she was looking for the words to begin a relationship with the Doctor. But as she looked, and as she thought she felt her eyes grow heavy and eventually fell into a dream state.
The Doctor watched her fall asleep, and stood there in her door way for what could have been an hour. All the time thinking about the choices he'd made over his nine hundred and seven years, and how Amelia Pond was one of the best – but at the same time, probably one of the most dangerous.
I'd rather focus instead on anything except,
The Doctor left and went to the main console, trying to find something that would keep his mind off of the sleeping beauty down the hall. Try as he might though everything he did, everything he thought about led him straight back to her.
What I'm feelin',
He stopped what he was doing, frustrated and conflicted. He went back to stand at Amy's door way. She was wide awake, sitting at the edge of her bed, crying silently.
What I'm feelin',
The Doctor saw this and immediately went over to her. Again he put his arms around her as she sobbed into his tweed jacket. For what seemed like hours they just sat there, her crying into his shoulder, and him comforting her the only way he felt appropriate.
It's gonna be OK,
We're gonna laugh at this one day,
When Amy had stopped crying she looked up at the Doctor with a look in her eyes that was unlike any look he had ever seen from her. A fire burned deep with in her, and she was sure the Doctor could see it in her eyes from the way he reacted. And then, when the Doctor was about to say something, Amy kissed him. Her kiss was like fire, an addictive, roaring fire, and though it sounds like a cliché, the only way to sooth the fire was to keep kissing her. Her hands found their way up around his face, and into his hair. His hands went to her waist, and she pressed herself closer to him.
Odd one I wish I was you,
You're never concerned with acceptance,
We are all desperately seeking out and fitting in with any one who will accept us,
But not you,
Amy opened her mouth, desperate to be closer to the Doctor. In response, the Doctor granted her access and the explosions felt when they explored each other were more intense than anything either had felt. Amy slid her hands down to his chest, and pushed the tweed jacket off of his shoulders. The Doctor helped get the jacket off without breaking the kiss, and decided that this was a good time to stop listening to that voice in the back of his head that kept telling him what he was doing was wrong.
It's gonna be OK,
We're gonna laugh at this one day,
The Doctor put his hands in Amy's hair, her fire red hair. There was so much about her that the Doctor didn't know, and there was so much more that he didn't understand. But on the flip side there was so much that Amy didn't know about him, and even more that she wouldn't be able to grasp conceptually. There was so much between them and yet they knew hardly anything about each other. But the Doctor knew that she was more to him than Donna or Martha. The Doctor loved Rose, but now he has Amy, and he loves her, if not as much more that he loved Rose. He would always love Rose, but now he was in love with Amy.
Don't let someone tell you you're no-one,
Don't let someone tell you you're no-one,
"Tell me I'm more than just your companion." Amy said before they went any further.
"Amy Pond, you are more to me than just a companion, you are more to me than just a friend, and you are what keeps me going. I love you Amy Pond." The Doctor meant every word, but he couldn't help but feel the slightest bit guilty. So many women he had said that he loved, but now it was scary when the feelings matched the wor
A/N: First one, please don't hate, review and tell me how to fix it. I know it's not very good, so some help would be appreciated. Has not been BETA'd either.