A/N: These Edwards and Daniel all belong to someone else. All we own are a zucchini, two luscious melons, and a gallon of my homemade ranch dressing.
This enchanting saga was co-written by five sexy vixens: FL95_JoJo (Dickward), 107yearoldvirgin (Dee), DanielleR123 (Flower Child), Snshyne (Secretward), Annetteskitty aka Danielgaleh00rs (Daniel Gale)
SUMMARY: Ever wonder how, with all of the Edwards in the world, none of them ever cross paths? Well, call it serendipity, call it fate, whatever you want, no matter, because these Edwards and Daniel are about to collide in a crazy fuckery filled day...
Beanie wearing Dee walked back to where the rest of us were sitting and then turned, to no goddamn doubt ask Sweet Tits for his porn infested phone back.
Now, on any other day, I might of sat back and watched that shit unfold in front of me while eating an extra large plate over-fucking-flowing with the Kids kung pao chicken dish like it was superbowl sunday with the Redskins kickin' the shit outta the goddamn Cowboys, but I was feeling a little bad for the guy, manny, man nanny, whatever the hell it was he called himself, after the fucked up beyond recognition type of morning he was having, so I told him, "Do not fuck with her, she'll kick your ass ten times to Sunday faster than you can say I'm a U.S. goddamn citizen, my friend."
He looked at me questioning my fucking integrity and I told him, just for good goddamn measure, "No shit."
"I need that phone," he told me and I asked him, because I was in a merciful fucking mood that day, "More than you need your balls?"
He sat down slowly after that, cupping said balls and just replied, "Uh...no."
"Smart motherfucking move."
Daniel Gale POV
I removed my glasses and wiped off the egg yolk onto a paper towel. I then wiped my hands with a glob of the hand sanitizer that Emmett packed in the pocket of my messenger bag. After cleaning my glasses on my sweater I placed them back on my face and looked around the room.
I was confused. I didn't know women liked to look at pornographic material and she appeared to like what she saw. What is she looking at? I wondered. So I leaned towards her. She cocked an eyebrow and smiled at me, inviting me to take a peek.
Oh my God! I didn't know you could do that with a -
"Okay, new change in plans, since apparently you waffles don't want to learn about pasta making. So fine." I turned and picked up a zucchini from the table. I hit it against my palm like it was a baseball bat. Or cock. Whatever. I held the gaze of the rainbow-sweater-boy, since he looked nervous.
"I happen to own a place in Canada called Envoke. It's all about your senses. Teasing you. Pleasing you. Bringing you to the height of your..." I leaned in towards him and patted the end of the vegetable against my cheek. "...experience. Food can be very arousing. Erotic. Sensual."
I rubbed the zucchini across my lips. I sucked a little on the end. I shifted my eyes towards the beanie guy, since rainbow-sweater-dude looked like he was gonna - or had - creamed his pants.
"Don't you agree, Phone-sex-boy?"
Umm...Don is confused.
Is it technically cheating if the chick you are getting a woody over looks..and sounds...ridiculously close to the one you are actually sleeping with? Because this woman just sucked off a zucchini and the way she said 'sex' made my inner kid stare openly at her boobs.
And then I remembered the guy standing next to her, covered in tatts and wearing a scowl so fierce I was slightly concerned that he was gonna go Man-Bobbit with the knife he was digging into the wooden cutting board in front of him.
I quirked a brow in his direction and smirked at my substitute Bella. I mean, SHE was the one who called ME 'Phone-sex-boy', right?
I extended my palm for my phone and dropped my voice. "What exactly did you have in mind?"
Flashes of Smurfette flipped through my head. Was this chick really suggesting that she was going to dick around with all of us in the class? I wasn't sure how I felt about that.
Scratch that. I did know how I felt about that.
This girl was gorgeous and all, but my Bella was everything I'd ever been looking for. And I'd be damned if I screwed it up while at a class that SHE had paid for as a GIFT to me.
Change of plans.
"I was just wondering because...well...I think that Daniel over there might really like a lesson or two in...oral produce seduction." I challenged her with a knowing look and slid my eyes to the man at her side.
I snorted when Dee said that fuckery before I could hold that shit back and everyone in the goddamn room gawked at me.
Holy. Fucking. Shit. What the hell? First of all, I am not about to suck off a fucking zucchini, but if this girl wants to entertain us, she can go ahead. Secondly, I'm just going to watch her and have thoughts of Bella's fucktastic dick play skills. I sighed dreamily, like the love sick, horny bastard I was, still wondering how the fuck I got into this shit.
I looked around at the other guys in the room. Beanie bro looked like he had all but checked out of this shit. I saw him loading some little ankle biters into a car when I arrived. I figured he had a family at home and he had the damn sense God gave him not to fuck that shit up. Smart guy.
Crazy in leather, he seemed amused. Even more amusing was this silent triangle thing that was passing between him, Knife guy and Bella-look-alike-zucchini sucker. I was starting to wonder what the motherfuck was going on there.
The best shit though, was my rainbow friend. The look in his eye could only be summed up as excited and nervous. In one moment, I thought he was going to jump up and run from the room, but on the other hand, he looked like he wanted that mouth or that zucchini all for himself.
"Un-fucking-believable," I scoffed. I was about to make some smartass comment. Probably along the lines of not needing help in anything sexual, because I'm Edward Cullen and really, that's all that needs to be said, but I thought better of it. I didn't want to disrespect my Bella like that.
Daniel Gale POV
I had no idea that a woman's mouth could hold so much...zucchini. Pack a few more pounds on her and she would be quite lovely.
"Excuse me, miss. Would you like some ranch dressing on that?" I figured that a nice sauce would make it taste better. I thought perhaps she was moaning because of the bitter flavor of her phallic vegetable. She just smiled at me and winked.
Embarrassed, I looked toward the other blokes. "I-I don't want to seduce produce. I want to seduce my Bella."
I pushed up my glasses and looked at Dick.
He cocked his head towards me. "Oh really," he said in a serious tone.
"You know, convince her to fornicate with me."
Flower Child POV
What in the fuck.
Did he seriously just goddamn say...forni-fucking-cate?
And what the fuck is the kid lookin' at?
Sometimes, I truly wondered just exactly what the FUCK I was thinking, taking strays in, following strange...other people who looked eerily like myself into the den of goddamn iniquity that I like to call Sweet Tit's restaurant...
I pinched the bridge of my nose and then readied myself for the conversation I was about to have with rainbow sweater wearing, Skittles advocate guy. "You wanna...convince her...to fornicate?"
"That's right," he said, fiddling with his fucking glasses again.
I took a deep breath before this next part because hell, sometimes people were just a little too goddamn sensitive about sex and shit...but he looked like he could handle it...somewhere, deep down inside of his inner leather wearing bad ass. "Ever hear of fucking...I don't know...just..." I did hand gestures. "Taking her ass and...you know...not asking?"
"You know," I leaned in, just a tad. "I happen to know a Bella," I glanced quickly over to Sweet Tits, then back to my multicolored friend. "Or two, that love that kinda kinky ass shit." I wiggled my eyebrows at him and he got a little nervous.
"Oh, I don't think that..." he started, getting jittery and shit with a shaky kinda laugh. Then I put a hand on his shoulder to steady his ass out.
"Settle down, we're not talking about rocket fucking science here, it's sex."
The Kid happened to notice the conversation now and folded his arms across his chest, holding his hand up to his mouth to cover the laughter, but seriously, it wasn't like Skittles was a bad lookin' dude...as a matter of fucking fact, he wasn't half bad, you know...without the fucking bowl haircut and...coke bottle glasses, and...colors of the rainbow fashion fucking statement...
Sweet Tits was glaring now, which sent a direct goddamn signal to Eddy Jr. and I had to adjust the uh...situation, if ya get what I'm sayin'.
"Tell ya what," I told him, "You take a few lessons from Sweet T..." The Kid cleared his throat a little as he chopped another goddamn, whatever the fuck kind of mushroom he had on his table and I corrected myself. "This Bella, and I guaran-goddamn-tee, your Bella..." I cocked an eyebrow. "Won't need much...convincing."
It looked like this class was about to get pretty fucking interesting. I could do the whole sex-ed thing. Seth was always coming to me for advice. I looked at my rainbow friend and I could literally see the wheelsturning in his brain as he processed everything that was going on.
"Like he said," I piped up, "convincing is hardly necessary. I bet your problem is that you think too damn much. Just let the shit flow. Go with what you feel. If your Bella is anything like my Bella, which I'm willing to bet she is, it would be a major fucking turn on if you just let your body do the talking and tell your mind to take a fucking hike."
I wasn't sure if he was getting what I was saying. So I had to think real fast and come up with an example for what I meant.
"Let's say, you and Bella are hanging out, kissing and shit. Which, by the way, kissing is the gateway drug. It opens the doors for so many fucking fantastic possibilities. So you're kissing, but it starts to get more heated and you want to touch her. Because fuck knows you do..."
I paused, thinking about how I always want to touch Bella. Always. My fingers twitch at just the fucking thought of touching Bella. Soft, silky, creamy, warm skin. I look up and see the room watching me, I realize everyone is waiting for me to continue.
"Like I was saying, don't just let your hands hang by your side, fucking go for it. Girls liked to be touched. Chances are, she's waiting for you to get your head out of your ass anyway. Trust me, I have experience on this shit."
Daniel Gale POV
If the guys knew just how much I fantasized about nuzzling my Bella's num nums whilst squeezing her buttocks, they would think I was a complete pervert.
"Uh...I don't know guys," I chuckled. Their methods seems a bit aggressive. Do women really want that? A man who takes charge?
I looked over at Dick. "I think it's best to have a proper courtship first. You know, clean myself up a little bit, wear a suit and have a shave...take her out on a proper date. I could present her with flowers and chocolates. Perhaps at the end of the date she would let me hold her hand." If I was lucky she would be the sort of girl who would let me kiss her and use my tongue. I stared off to the side at a ripe pair of honeydew melons sitting on the counter and smiled. I could just see Bella's delight right now.
I looked towards the bloke who suggested that I man-handle Bella. "Nan always said that groping the ladies was ungentlemanly behavior. I reckoned that after a few months of my courtship, Bella and I might engage in some heavy petting. Doesn't that sound lovely?"
I looked around the room and cleared my throat.
For some reason the man with the knife started giggling and his lady-friend looked rather...aroused. The bloke with the children looked at me like I was a martian.
This guy was for real.
I blinked a couple of times and opened my mouth to speak, but something told me to hold back for a minute. He was really kind of innocent. And he was filled with all of these gentlemanly thoughts that I couldn't quite wrap my brain around. Most of the girls I knew wouldn't wait for months on end JUST to cop a feel. In fact, the first time I kissed my Bella, I had my hands down her pants.
"Look," I started, trying not to sound like an asshole. "Your Nan was probably right...at some point...like, when she was younger. But women nowadays don't exactly work on that type of time line anymore. I have a feeling that if you don't make a move on your girl, she's going to start feeling like there is something wrong with her."
I glanced around the room to see if anyone else was on board with my logic. They all seemed to be nodding a little, and the woman at the front of the class made a face like I was right.
Taking my phone in hand, I held it up and waved it towards the front of the class. "Danny Boy, I think you could learn a lot about seduction by reading through some of these stories. Maybe pick up a few tips? Pointers? This shit is popular with the ladies for a reason."
Daniel fidgeted again, messing with his glasses and clearing his throat while he attempted to hide his face with his shoulder.
"Seriously. Just take a look at a few of these stories and I guarantee that you'll learn a thing or two." My eyes wandered back to the front of the class where the instructors were glaring at me. "Oh, come on. This seems WAY more educational than making ravioli that the rest of us learned in our first week of Culinary, doesn't it?"
"I'm definitely game for diving into some fucking lit-porn. Most of it has to be written by chicks anyway. So it's bound to give us a fun idea or two right?" I looked over at Beanie bro and he was nodding in agreement. I got the feeling that maybe he knew from experience.
"Besides, I bet there is some fucking amazing use of food and sex. We're all here to learn about something to do with food. Might as well make use of the time and have some damn fun."
"So," I said to my rainbow buddy, "what's your favorite food?" For whatever reason, I really wanted to help him out.
"Um...macaroni and cheese"
We all looked to beanie bro and he pulled out his phone to find lit-porn with sex and macaroni and cheese.
This shit was going to be fucking epic.
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