Before You Fall
By: Karen B.
Summary: Season five spoiler warning. Swan Song. Dean watches Sam fall into the pit.
Disclaimer: Not the owner.
Everything happened in super slow-mo. The rings hit the grass, wildflowers wilted, the earth fell away and a current of ice- cold air escaped from the black hole in the ground. I shivered, powerless to move, barely able to see - unable to breathe.
This was it. Sammy was going to fall.
Don't make a move.
Don't try to stop him.
Don't scream out his name.
A finger in my right hand twitched once.
He has to do this.
Not because the world needed saving - screw the world - but because Sam thought he needed saving, and this was the way he chose.
I sensed his struggle to hold on to Lucifer.
Sam sucked in a couple deep breaths with lungs that I knew could barely inflate to take in air.
He nodded assuring me he still had the devil by his saggy, frozen balls.
Peering into Sam's face, I sensed fear mixed in with his determination and it took everything in me to just sit by. Though my eyes were nearly swollen shut, I wouldn't take my gaze off him, not for a second.
Sam backed up step-by-step, closer and closer to the edge until the heels of his boots hung over the brink of the bottomless hole. A hole we both knew was full of nothing but endless evil.
My throat tightened and my entire body fought to obey my brain's order.
'Take your brother. As fast as you can. Don't look back. Go! Now!'
It was an order I'd obeyed Sam's entire life. An order I now had to completely ignore. My new order - sit and do nothing - was consuming me, tearing me all apart from the inside out, and back again.
Sam closed his eyes and spread his arms, like he could friggin' fly.
Oh, God, this was it, and I didn't tell him all I meant to tell him. Wanted to tell him. Needed to tell him. We'd both gotten so lost in the shuffle of the crap deck of cards we'd been dealt.
The winds of hell sucked him backward, and already I could see the agony seeping into his soul. Sammy was going to sink so far down, not even I would know the depths.
I choked back a sob.
If Sam had the courage to fall - I had to have the courage to let him.
Hell bubbled and simmered, and the ground continued to rumble. I could hear the tortured screams of countless souls. Souls whose skin was being burnt off them. Souls being shredded into tiny bits of confetti. Souls hopelessly destine to live, not only in the midst of evil, but something much more. Something words could, in-no-way, explain.
Sam never wavered, even though I could feel his fear banging in his heart. Even as Michael charged him, Sam didn't stop. His eyes grew wide and his nostrils flared. He grabbed hold of the angel, and without even looking - he fell.
The hole closed and I felt the jolt of my own heartbeat - the moment Sam's stopped.
I sucked in a deep breath, regretting the fact my heart had started up again, and his never would.
No one would know me like, Sam.
No one else could bust my chops, fire me up then cool me down all in a matter of minutes.
He made me stronger than I ever thought possible.
He taught me there was always room for mistakes - for forgiveness.
That I could believe - even when there seemed there was jack-squat left to believe in.
I wanted to cry, but didn't. I wanted to jump in after him, but couldn't. I looked at my trembling hands as a shadow cast over them. Someone had a hold on me - that someone was Sam.
Fighting back the pain, I crawled over to where the rings lay upon the grass. On my knees, I lowered my head chewing on my lip, being brave, holding back my tears. I'd made a promise. One I wasn't sure I wouldn't face plant at trying to keep.
But today Sam taught me, sometimes you have to let go. Sometimes, you can't look - before you fall.