A/N: So I literally had to go and check my profile to see how long it's been since I posted a fic, and it's been eight days! That's awful! (We are not including that fic I just posted for another pairing, lol.) Did you all miss me though? I had some trouble with this one (I was actually working on it for a week or so, trying to get it to sound less 1790 and more 1970. It didn't really work. I hope you all like it anyways.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. (I actually kinda forgot what order I was supposed to put these things in for a minute, lol. It hasn't been that long!
Warning: Sappy Sirius.
There was a time when our friendship was simple, easy, as necessary as breathing and as satisfying as a good joke at the end of a hard day.
But after awhile, feelings got in the way, and I began to feel more for Remus then the bounds of friendship allow, and the pleasure I got from being in his presence reached new bounds. My desires became needs. I began to need to make him laugh, and need to make him smile, and need to hold him when all wasn't right in his world.
And with those needs came fear, because he was a boy, and I was a boy, and we were just sixteen, and I couldn't believe that I could feel this way for anyone, much less my too skinny best friend who was bound by rules and the moon and who was too brave at the best of times.
I was afraid of what I was feeling, afraid of what would come with my feelings, and though I knew he felt the same (from the way he looked at me, pale brown eyes wide with trust and happiness; from the way he would touch me, lean hands gentle and lingering against my skin; from the way he would talk to me, voice quiet; like a caress meant only for my ears), I ran.
But, running from him didn't help, as I bloody well thought it would. Because not seeing him did not make me want to stop seeing him, especially when I still saw him, I merely acted as if I didn't, or did not acknowledge the fact that I did. And not being able to touch him, and to be beside him, and to bask in his presence…. It hurt. Being away from him hurt in a way nothing in my short life time has ever hurt before. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and it's true. And it didn't help that I saw him all the bloody time, since we went to the same classes and slept in the same dorm and hung out with the same friends, the only true friends we had.
And after a while, after a while of dreaming of him and having him be the only thing on my mind, and having James knock some sense into me (You're hurting him dammit, stop being such a fucking coward and admit to him how you feel. He deserves it you selfish bastard. So get your bloody arse over there. Maybe once you get laid we can actually manage to pull a decent fucking prank.) I gave in. I stopped fighting, and now I'm here, talking to him, and hoping that I can make everything alright, that we can be alright. Not the same as we were before, but maybe… something more. But… I gotta stop thinking and actually start talking. Yeah, that'll be good.
"I remember when…. I remember when I'd sit beside you, and take your hand, just holding it in mine, letting you squeeze the bones and veins in my hand till it was screaming in agony. I never cared though. I never pulled away. Just having you touch me, having you rely on me to ease the pain, and seeing the way that you looked at me, frightened and vulnerable, and yet so sure, and trusting… it was enough to make me forget my own discomfort. We were friends Rem, and you'd let me hold your hand. You'd let me hold you, and wipe away your tears, and brush your hair out of your face. We were friends, and you'd let me hug you, and rest my head on your shoulder, and let me press my face into your neck. We were friends, and I was there for you when you needed me to be, and I wasn't afraid. I wasn't afraid, and I didn't shy away from doing any of those things. We were friends. But then… it was more. It was more, and I… I suddenly didn't know what to do, how to act. I didn't know… I wasn't sure if it was ok… if it was safe." I say, staring at the younger boy for a moment, watching the way he holds himself on the bed, stiff and frowning. I see the way the werewolf's hands trembled though, and the way his eyes remain transfixed on my own, and know. I know that Remus still feels the same, despite everything I have done, despite the fact that I had kept him waiting for so long.
"What are you saying Padfoot," Remus says to me, finally breaking the silence when it became too much, too much to handle, too much to take, too much to think about and to feel in such a short moment.
I sigh, moving across the room so that I sit beside Remus, not touching, but so unbearably close, before sliding my hand over so that it touches the other boy's slightly scarred one, our pinkies sliding against each other's sweetly.
"I'd like to think that you know," I whisper, curling my pinky around Remus' much the same way one would while making a pinky promise. "I'd like to think that you know, and that I wouldn't have to say it and risk sounding like a bloody girl, but I know that you need it, that you need the word, need the proof, need the realization that voicing this out loud would give to you. I know that you need to know that this isn't all in your head, so…."
"Sirius," Remus says, gently taking my hand now and entwining our fingers together, looking into my grey eyes. "You're rambling, and not making much sense, and…. Sirius…. I know. I know… you don't have to say it."
"Yes I do," I shout, snatching my hand away from Remus and running it through my hair in aggravation. I have to make him understand. I have to make him see that he deserves to hear it, that he deserves the words. "I do Moony. I just…" I look at the werewolf with agonized eyes. "Remus…"
Remus smiles weakly, placing his hands on my face. "It's ok Padfoot."
I shake my head, tears suddenly evident in my eyes. "Moony…. Moony, are we crazy? Are we bloody mad?"
Remus smiles again, but it was different this time, surer, more real. "Yes," he says, nuzzling my nose with his own. "Yes," he says again, resting his forehead against mine.
I sigh softly, bringing my hands up to cups his cheeks, trying to bring him closer, before placing my lips on his and kissing him gently.
Remus murmurs something against my lips and I pulled away, gazing at him in curiosity, before he smiled, brilliant and happy and….. loved.
"I'm sorry," I say, mouthing the words against his smiling mouth.
He shakes his head though. "It's ok Padfoot. We're ok. We're… something more."
And now I smile, and kiss my werewolf again, because yes, we are something more.
"I love you," I finally say, kissing Remus over and over again.
Remus pulls away, looking shocked, before lunging forward to kiss me again, and he doesn't have to say the word. I already know.
And it's bloody great.
And it'll be even greater when James and I pull some pranks, and when I get laid by this hot werewolf of mine, but we're not talking about that right now.
A/N: Short, check, sappy, check, almost unbearably sweet, check. Can you all tell that it's been written by me? Lol. I am so, so, so glad that I finally got this done. It took long enough. I think I'm back now though, after having a mild panic attack over thinking that I've lost the ability to write. (yes, I suppose I can be a bit over dramatic, lol)
I wrote a Merthur(Merlin and Arthur) story today too, so go read and review that if you like the pairing please. I'd appreciate it :D
Please review, and I'll get to updating anything I have to soon! Thanks. Lol.