This was supposed to be for the xxxHOLIC minibang, but I couldn't make it long enough. So I dropped out. But I'm posting the result anyway. Enjoy.

Today we will be studying the species known as the Shizuka Doumeki in it's natural habitat. The Shizuka is a stranger species than it's appearance would suggest. Tall and sturdy, the Shizuka is built for physical activity and will excel in sports. His short, dark hair and cool, narrow golden eyes make him extremely attractive to the female population. And in some cases to the males as well.

Here we see the Shizuka in it's usual food-gathering ritual. While quite a strong and magnificent creature, the Shizuka is not capable of collecting it's own food. Therefore, the Shizuka must seek out a means of gathering food by finding a "food-source".

"Oy. What's for lunch?"

"Grrrrrrr! Not even a 'hello'? It's always food with you, isn't it?"

This task is incredibly dangerous for the Shizuka, as it's natural food-source is the Kimihiro Watanuki. The Kimihiro is also a tall species, but tends to fall short of the height that the Shizuka possesses. It's long arms are built especially for a windmill-like motion used for both attack and defense. This ability makes the task of food-gathering incredibly difficult for the Shizuka. The Kimihiro has a thinner build, not unlike that of a wooden plank. Thin and uncurvy. Though it's face is decidedly pretty, in particular it's large, round blue eyes that bring to mind those of something small and cute and helpless.

Food is not the only thing that the Shizuka seeks from it's chosen "food-source". The Shizuka, after all, finds the Kimihiro to be bizarrely attractive. So there is another, more complicated task the Shizuka seeks to engage in with the Kimihiro.


"For your information, I made Yakitori! But you won't be getting any until Himawari-Chan arrives!" Watanuki exclaimed, bending over to get the bento boxes from his bag. All the while he grumbled about the work he put into making lunch and how certain ingrates really didn't deserve to eat the delicious food he cooks.

Doumeki tilted his head a little to get a better look at Watanuki's rear-end. He really couldn't help himself. With Watanuki bent over like that, Doumeki could just reach right out...

The thought popped into his head and he acted on it without hesitation. His left hand snaked out and landed itself on-

"GAHHHH!" Watanuki hurled the bento boxes into the air, screeching. He spun around, a blush on his face. "W-What the hell?"

His arms waved out frantically, Doumeki backing away to avoid them. He wasn't looking to lose an eye after all.

The Shizuka is driven by an inner instinct it cannot control. It cannot suppress it's need to touch the Kimihiro. But as previously stated, this is a dangerous task. The Shizuka risks all in it's quest for love. It seems that in a way, the Shizuka has succeeded in the first step of it's complicated mating dance. But the Kimihiro is not so easily swayed.


Doumeki shrugged. "There was a mosquito."

"Keep your hands to yourself, you grabby jerk!" Watanuki snarled, backing away from him a good two feet before he looked around for the bento boxes. His eye twitched as he found them busted open a short ways away, food spilled across the ground. "You ruined our lunches too, you inconsiderate moron!"

The Shizuka is a persistant creature. Once it's mind is set on a task, it continues on until it accomplishes it. Nothing can deter it, even the appearance of a rival for it's chosen mate's affection.

"Watanuki-Kun! Doumeki-Kun! I'm sorry I'm late!" Himawari called, running up to them.

"Not at all, Himawari-Chan! We were just early, that's all!" Watanuki called back, the incident from a moment before forgotten in a haze of fluffy thoughts and sparkles.

The Himawari Kunogi is indeed an adorable species. It's no suprise the Kimihiro is so infatuated with her. With big eyes and long, curly hair, she's as cute as a button. Her appearance is necessary for defense, as no one can possibly hit something that cute, unless they lack a heart.

The Shizuka feels no animosity towards her, but he seeks to mark his territory and ensure she does not attempt to take what is not hers.

"Some of the food is okay." Doumeki said, holding out the broken bento boxes between his two friends.

Watanuki glowers at him, snatching the boxes away. "It would have all been okay if it weren't for you, pervert!"

He snaps it without thinking, and blushes brightly at Himawari's mildly puzzled look. "Eh? Did something happen?"

"NOTHING!" Watanuki shrieks, anxiously, waving one arm around in odd ways. "Nothing you need to concern yourself with, Himaw-"

"He had a spazz attack and threw the lunches at me." Doumeki interjected. "Just like an angry wife."

The Kimihiro much resembles a very annoyed cat in these moments, which the Shizuka only finds even more attractive. It only serves to strengthen the Shizuka's resolve to take the Kimihiro as his own. Let us move on to the second step in the Shizuka mating ritual.

Watanuki yawned and stretched as he walked along the road on his way home from school. Doumeki's eyes were drawn to the small sliver of skin revealed as Watanuki's shirt slid up during his stretch. It looked soft. He wondered if it were as soft as it looked.

As before, he acted without much thought about what he was about to do. His fingers brushed along that small expanse of flesh.

The Shizuka continues to make contact, this time going for a more intimate and sensual touch than a blatant grope. The Kimihiro is indeed pleased with the touch, but it is in the Kimihiro's nature not to give in so quickly. Yet more danger ensues for the Shizuka.


Doumeki shrugged and put his hands in his pocket as he kept walking. "Mosquitos must like you as much as spirits."

"What mosquitos? There aren't any out yet! It's still too cold!"

The Shizuka is not always so successful in his endeavors, however. The Kimihiro is quick to wise-up to the Shizuka's games.

Watanuki was standing at the stove when Doumeki came in. He heard him come in. It was like Watanuki's senses were heightened in the kitchen. Any other time he wouldn't notice. As Doumeki crept up behind him, Watanuki wasn't sure if it was food he was after or something else. Doumeki had been incredibly grabby anymore. Either way, he wasn't taking risks.

He pretended like he was engrossed in his cooking, right hand snaking around a chocolate dipping fork that was laying on the counter for just such an occasion. When Doumeki's hand came into view, sneaking around the right side of Watanuki's waist, Watanuki stabbed it with the dipping fork.

Doumeki hissed in pain and jerked back as Watanuki spun around.

"You stabbed me." Doumeki accused.

"You tried to grope me." Watanuki fired back, holding the dipping fork like a sword in front of himself. "Maybe next time you'll think twice before you-DON'T LICK IT! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY GERMS ARE IN YOUR MOUTH?"

The two fall into a unique and often tension-filled routine, which will inevitably lead to one of two paths. The success of the Shizuka, or the Shizuka's death. For the Shizuka will not cease unless one of these two criteria are met. The tension builds as the two continue this bizarre ritual. The Shizuka getting more grabby and daring and the Kimihiro getting more violent and shouty.

"Get over here and get that cleaned up!" Watanuki snapped, turning on the faucet. When Doumeki merely raised an eyebrow at him in response to the demand Watanuki grabbed his arm and dragged him to the sink. Seizing Doumeki's injured hand he shoved it beneath the running water, grumbling under his breath about idiots.

Doumeki's lips twitched upwards in one corner, curling into a bemused smirk. "First you stab me. Then you play doctor on the wound you just caused?"

Watanuki growled, seizing a towel with which to dry Doumeki's hand. "Shut up, jerk! It's your own damn fault! It was self-defense on my part!"

The Shizuka continues to push the envelope as he moves on to the next step in his master plan. Romance is not a part of his natural genetic makeup, but he gives it his best.

Watanuki froze in mid-step as he came through the front gate at school. Merely inches from his nose hovered a bouquet of flowers. Blinking, his eyes traveled along the flowers, along the hand holding them, up the arm and to the impassive face gazing back at him blankly.

He was well aware that people were staring and whispering.

The moment they were alone he was going to strangle the oaf for this. He didn't want witnesses to the murder he would surely commit.

Taking a deep breath, Watanuki raised one finger and pointed it at the flowers. "Those," he said pointedly, "Are dandelions."

"Yes?" Doumeki replied, questioningly. So what? They were flowers right?

Watanuki could feel his patience thinning and his irritation growing rapidly. He grit his teeth and continued. "Dandelions are weeds."

"Ah." Doumeki said, still holding them out.

"And might I point out that the particular weeds you are offering me are wilting and brown."

"I waited a long time for you."

Watanuki hissed and swatted the bouquet from the archer's hand. "You do not give someone weeds as a gifts, moron!"

The Shizuka continues his pursuit with all the tact of a bull in a china shop.

"Your high maintenance." Doumeki remarked, plugging his ears for the inevitable shouting.

But Watanuki's attention was on something else. He frowned as his eyes landed on the discarded bouquet. He was absent-mindedly scratching the hand he'd used to knock them aside. Dread was welling inside him as his eyes locked on the green leaves strewn amid the dandelions, he supposed for some kind of decoration.

"You idiot!" He howled. "You not only gave me weeds but poison ivy?"

God, give him the strength not to kill this asshole.

The mating ritual has been known to last several long and agonizing years. Sexual frustrations rise on both parts until either the Kimihiro gives in or he is driven so crazy that he violently and angrily kills his potential mate in a haze of blind rage and confusion. The Shizuka is too dense to realize the negative result until it is too late. Though, in it's defense, the secondary result is incredibly rare. And had the Shizuka recognized the chance of such a result, he would claim it to be well worth the risk.