Author's Note:

In our other story "Aizen's OOC Sleepover Extravaganza" we did a small piece of Ulquiorra's journal and we totally fell in love with the idea of doing a journal series. This will have no planned length, just however long we want it to be. Since it'll be a series of shorts and such. Maybe a few two parts, who knows? We won't use all the Espada, since I hate a few of them. (Like the old guy? Uh. No.)

These are extremely fun to write and it's great to see how you guys react to our stupid ideas. WE DEMAND FAN ART.

Hope you enjoy and review!

A BlueTalker Production


A WrittenBoogaloo Collaboration.


May 9th

What the hell. Someone woke me up by force today. I can't even remember who it was, but they sat on my bed and said some shit about my room smelling like mold. I smell like man, not mold. I bet it was fucking Luppi. That queer wouldn't know anything manly even if it was stuck up his ass. But I can't be mean to him, ol' Aizen would gladly smite me or take me off the "Good Espada" wall. Currently, I have 5 stars by my name. I'm two under Ulquiorra and four under Starrk. (Who knows how THAT guy is in first. He just…sleeps.)

So, I was going to put on shoes and ride my dune buggy for about six hours or at least until I had to piss. You can't piss in sand. That's fucking nasty. Plus Noitora thinks it's hilarious to watch and I'm not a gay.

Instead of finding shoes, I found a couple bowls of Cookie Crisp under my bed and a nude magazine. Starrk bought it for me. I'm thinking of giving it to Yammy and telling him to read it in the TV room so he'll get in trouble. Gin and Aizen are always in there, they've been marathoning The Office for about four days now. That TV is fucking huge, like a 7000 inch, I bet.

Long story short, I had to find my shoes. That dune buggy NEEDED me to ride it like some horny schoolgirl.

We usually keep shoes on the back porch, but Ulquiorra queefed for about a week about the smell it made. Where they have been moved is beyond me, but I just wanted some fucking Pumas on my fucking feet. I'll bet you anything Noitora hid them from me, he wants the buggy to himself. Once we get good enough to stop crashing it into shit, Aizen is going to let us ride it in the real world. Noitora just wants to pick up chicks. I just want to look better than other dudes. That's just how I am. The most bad ass man alive.

So, I go and hunt down Noitora for my shoes. He wasn't in his room, or if he was, he wasn't answering my knocks. And I'm to terrified to see what he has all over his floor in there to just kick a hole in the wall like I do with the others. As I was beating on the door with both fist, screaming insults, Luppi's queer scent started to drift into the hall.

By queer scent, I mean that shit he sprays himself with. It isn't like my Axe. It's like…fruity. Maybe it's his coconut shampoo.

He comes up and goes: "What are you up to?"

And I'm all: "Fuck off, gay."

And he is all: "Are you looking for Fifth?"

While I wonder why he called him by his number I nodded. He smirked and leaned against the wall, studying his nails. It's clear he wanted me to ask him where Noitora was, but I just shoved past him. Literally, he staggered backwards and had to grab the knob of the broom closet to steady himself. After he bitched about me being rude, he shuffled after me.

He goes: "Want to know where he is?"

I'm like…no.

Luppi snickers and begins to walk in front of me backwards. Meaning he was leading with his back. I was tempted to lead him to the steps and make him fall and break his neck. But if I did, Aizen might get a bit ticked and take away my dune buggy. Luppi opens his feminine mouth. It's really girly, like…his lips are as full as Harribel's breasts. So, he starts to tell me something about Noitora had "gotten busy" and was busy "riding off with Nell" and blah blah…as if I didn't get what he was saying.

So I told him to, once again, fuck off.

For some reason, this ticks him off and he starts pitching a fit about how I'm "discourteous" and "an injudicious human being." Whatever those meant. I knew they were insults, but I didn't care. I put my hand over his face and shoved him out of the way, again.

Thankfully he shut up, but I ran into my biggest annoyance, Ulquiorra Schiffer. I just want my shoes.

I'd go barefoot, but I saw video on Gin's laptop once of a dude getting his toes cut off in a motorcycle engine. Before I could see how they fixed it, a bunch of porn popped up and I logged off.

So, Oscar the Grouch skulks into the hallway and looks at me slowly. He blinks those really creepy eyes and sighs. He goes: "What are you all strained about?"

I told him his new shoe rule was ruing my life.

He blinks and goes on. "No, you're just acting like an insufferable neophyte. I think I saw Szayel with them."

My shoes?

"No. Just some of them. In a bag."

Oh. That doesn't really help.

"I'm sure if you asked his what he did with the shoes he picked up, he would tell you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go make myself some tea." And he slouches off.

I really, really want to deck that guy. Like, every time I see him. Honestly, I tried to be nice when we first met. And he insulted the color of my hair. Blue is fucking flattering my complexion. Ulquiorra is just a loser with no taste in anything. I bet he thinks sand and crackers are the best snack in the world and orders water at the bar.

But, despite my seething hatred for him, I take his advice and visit Szayel. It wasn't a long visit. He said he melted any shoes he found with fungus and mine was not one of them. I think this was supposed to thrill me, judging my the grin he gave me when he shared that information with me; but I just froze like a wax statue. Why do I work with such freaks?

But yes! From the cloudy shittiness of my day come a ray of light! Noitora! I spot him in the TV room, leaning back in Aizen's recliner with a bowl of Coco Puffs and watching Ninja Warrior. Nell is stretched out stomach down on the floor with her feet in the air and Stark is sitting on the couch. And for some stupid reason, Ulquiorra is standing by the second entrance to the room, holding a mug in his hand. He hates TV. Why was he in there?

Ignoring the rest of the people, I call out to Noitora.

He sits up. "What."

Gimmie my Pumas.

"I don't have them." He pops some cereal into his mouth and Nell sits up and does the same.

Yes you do. I want them so I can ride my dune buggy.

"I don't, prick. Besides, you can't ride it today anyway."

What? Why? I'd have throttled him, but Nell hand her hands folded on this knee and was laying her head on it. How did he get a babe like that? I ask him why I can't.

"Did you not notice it's storming?"

What! It can't be! My felt interior will be soggy!

Dashing to the window, I found out he was right. I could have kicked that damn TV of the stand. Stark laughed his ass off and I shot him the bird. The room began to erupt in laughter. Well, not Mr. Chipper with the tea. He just sipped it and watched.

Stomping from the room I went back upstairs and fumed.

I'm going to run over Noitora tomorrow.

And Luppi.


Throwing the Espada in ridiculous situations is fun as hell.

Thanks for reading!