[To an assembly of Admirals and other Senior Officers]

There are several things I do not understand, gentlemen.

First: Battle exercises.

Yes, we are pursuing the Rebels. Yes, we will and shall pursue them to the farthest reaches of the galaxy, and we will not rest until the threat of these terrorist, renegade Jedi sympathisers has been eradicated once and for all. It is with that noble aim in mind that the Empire expends vast sums of credits on recruitment, arms and training. You have had the best that the Empire has to offer. You have all been through the Imperial Officers' Academy: all of you were groomed to lead.

To lead.

Do any of you morons have the faintest inkling of what it means to 'lead'? Hmm? I have been studying the reports put up by your Sector Leaders over the past quarter. Most unsatisfactory. Have any of you even attended any of the live firing exercises, field camps, station runs or orbital drop drills that have been conducted over the past year? Don't even bother trying to explain your notable absences to me. I have personally investigated and discovered that the holding of these exercises coincides neatly with significant depletions of choice beverages in the Senior Officers' Lounge, and corresponding increases in the number of sick bay admissions for... overindulgence. My conclusions remain my own, but I am certain that you will be able to put two and two together and arrive at four quite independently.

This state of affairs is nothing short of abominable. Therefore, one of you will die as punishment for this infraction, in lieu of a full court-martial. Of course, I understand your perplexity: not all of you are guilty. Unfortunately, life is unfair. From a certain point of view, my execution of one of your number could be said to be evening up the odds.

Next: Ah, this has vexed me rather as of late.

The Wookiee slaves must be properly restrained! Have you morons no conception of how dangerous a maurauding Wookiee can be? Already there has been an incident of an improperly-restrained Wookiee having overpowered his supervisors and freeing two other slaves: these savages then rampaged through the work area, causing significant damage to the newly-erected structures and ripping up both cabling and scaffolding to use as improvised weapons.

If your men are incapable of dealing a swift and decisive blow to minor insurrections of half-civilised savages, then you as instructors and supervisors have signally failed in your duties to the Empire. I should not have to involve myself personally in such petty affairs! The Emperor was most displeased, gentlemen.

Accordingly, I have decided that one of you will be stripped of your rank and placed in a cage, lightly armed, together with an unarmed Wookiee slave. Should you survive the encounter, you will be reinstated. If, however, you do not, your family will be informed that you died in honourable combat. After all, hand-to-hand combat is highly esteemed amongst the barbarian tribes of Kashyyyk.

Third - most interesting.

You may be surprised to learn that I myself have been conducting random... inspections of officers' quarters. Most... enlightening, the things one may find in officers' quarters. Bonga-weed, for example. Perhaps some of you cherish a secret love of botany and exotic foliage? Perhaps some of you are in fact the ones responsible for the recent... poisonings of this Station's air supply? Rest assured, gentlemen: I do not forget, and neither does the Emperor. And the Emperor is not as forgiving as I. Those of your number who have been discovered to be green-fingered will presently be required to render your assistance in testing the Empire's latest modified medical droids: I am sure you will find the experience a life-changing one.

Fourth - Twi'leks.

Reliable information has been received that certain of you have been... consorting with female Twi'lek entertainers of the... negotiable persuasion during leave, on Coruscant and elsewhere.

I should like to speak to those responsible personally: you will present yourselves before my meditation capsule at any time in the next twenty-four hours. Consider it an act of... delicacy on my part that I am not, at present, revealing your identities to your comrades.

With that, I conclude this meeting, gentlemen. Mind the bodies on your way out.