Okay so this is really random for me. I'm not usually a Cox/JD shipper, but I decided that I might try some sweet slash for once, and this is my attempt. I rated it at T not because of any sexual scenes/references, but because of the sensitive subjects and mild language within. This is central Dr Cox, and mostly about his life, but the JD slash comes into it. Thanks for reading, please enjoy! xxxNTxxx
A/N: Just as a side note, this is sort of a song fic, as there are lyrics from the song "Hurricane Drunk" by Florence and the Machine before each scene change (a verse for every chapter, there are four chapters). Lyrics are in italics.
No walls can keep me protected.
With a groan, Perry Cox slammed his front door shut and crookedly hobbled towards the safety of his harsh, colourless couch. The usual helpings of masochistic narcissism and painfully long-winded rants helped him through most of the day, but the agony it caused him became unbearable to the point of running and hiding in the Doctor's Lounge to perhaps find two minutes of peace from that God forsaken place, but intern after intern kept coming and going... in the end it seemed that home was the healthiest place to stay. The end of his shift came all too slowly.
By the time he managed to slink into the fabrics of the couch, ready to finally close his eyes for a few moments, a shrill call from another room forced him to remember that he lived with the female devil and was never protected from the torture that was pumped towards him daily. Never.
Jordan entered the room, quick like a cheater, complete with a screaming toddler on her hip.
"Jack won't settle and it's way past his bedtime so I thought you could take over whilst I go out clubbing with the girls." Jordan informed her tired husband, handing over the crying child whilst grimacing.
"The girls?" Perry queried, raising his eyebrows.
"Oh yah," She perked up suddenly, applying some gloss to her lips. "I met some bitchy women at Jack's play group today and they all like slutty male pole dancers, so, yah. See ya."
She blew Jack a kiss on her way out and left Perry on his own. He sighed and held Jack at arm length in order to give a scrutinising look. The child did not falter and continued to blubber uncontrollably.
"Has mommy even checked your diaper or tried to feed you?" He complained. "Hey, Jacky, just calm the hell down, I'll sort it out. It's not like I don't sort the babies out at work anyway."
Perry hated that hospital with so much passion that sometimes it gave him goose pimples just thinking about it. And no, it wasn't the constant rabble of incompetent so-called doctors or the fact that the bathrooms hadn't been cleaned in at least ten years. No, it wasn't because that evil dictator, Kelso, always felt the need to breathe fire at the innocents or because it meant that he didn't get to see his son as much as he would like.
It wasn't any of those things (although they amounted to a serious proportion of his self-hate). The main reason why he disliked entering that hell-hole was because of him.
Perry Cox would never admit to anyone, but he had a secret; a secret that he wouldn't ever tell his therapist, not even Carla. The scary truth was, he had started to love Jordan a little less and love someone else a little more.
JD had always been the apple of Perry's eye, but he had never - ne-he-ver –thought that in a million years he would ever feel this way about another man. It had all started a few weeks back, at least, that's when he thought it had started. One day, JD had walked into the ICU and brightened the whole place up. God damn, it brought a smile right out of his dreary bad mood. Unfortunately, Perry had already built up a considerably ill-fated reputation that meant as soon as the kid asked him, in his bubbly voice, what the smile was for, Dr Cox-mode had kicked in and he began to spit and shout at his little protégée. JD stammered, tried to blow it back in his face and then stormed off like a girl. Perry had sighed, rubbed his face and tried to forget the whole experience.
Just like he tried to forget every single experience he ever had with JD. For some reason, they all ended the same way – a laugh, a cry and a painful sigh. And JD knew nothing about Perry's undesirable feelings towards him. They would be an odd-pair and Perry would no longer be feared within the hospital, so letting his feelings free would be a bad idea.
So completely, going the wrong way about showing his love and care for someone,Perry would end up in the same twist of anger and self-hatred. Coming home to Jordan only made the matters worse, as he knew that someday he would have to tell her that his heart was elsewhere. Someday he would have to explain to his son that he like another man, and that's why daddy left back when.
It was not that he liked men. Oh no, Perry was not a homosexual. It wasn't all men – it was just that one guy. Was that what true love was? Being in love with someone no matter what the circumstance? God, this was too much to handle at times.
Perry finished feeding Jack at this late hour of ten-thirty and grinned at his son who had stopped crying the instant his father had carried him towards the kitchen. He loved that little guy so much.
"Jacky, you're gonna be a champ and head off to the land of dreams, right?" Perry encouraged as he put Jack down in his crib. "Daddy loves you very much. Goodnight."
Just as he turned the bulb off to Jack's room, his pager began to bleep and he growled at the message within it. Okay, so maybe he loved JD but that kid was damn annoying! He threw the pager to the ground and rang the nanny as quickly as he could. It seemed that the walls surrounding him right now couldn't even save him from the pressures of work.
No sleet – nothing between me and the rain.
That stupid grin was not the thing to greet Perry as he rushed into the ICU, clearly out of breath and completely drained. JD, dishevelled and exhausted, pushed a chart into his chest and explained the situation quickly. There were about ten to fifteen interns running around them and five nurses busily working at various beds. Three crash carts were carelessly floating around whilst JD and two other doctors were the only ones there. Apparently, there were under-staffed.
"I'm sorry, Dr Cox, but there aren't any members of staff available tonight and six of our ICU patients are on their way out," He sped his words, pulling Perry by the coat in his explanation. Perry tried to stay focussed throughout the contact, keeping damn sure that his stony expression never faltered.
"We've got a couple nurses and some interns on each patient but we don't know what we're doing," JD continued. "Every time I go to a patient, another one needs more help, and so on, so I paged you because-"
And that's when it came. For some reason, every time Perry felt strongly towards JD in any way, he would come up with the most incredibly hurtful rants that would help steer everyone away from thinking that he would look at JD that way. Psychology, you see. It sometimes works, Christ almighty.
"You paged me away from my son when there was no one else in the house to look after him, because you suddenly realized just how much of an incompetent doctor you really are, didn't ya, Newbie?" Perry started, feeling the gravel in his throat. "I was at home, ready to go to bed, only just setting Jack down for sleepy times when you, you nagging, nerdy little cling-monkey, decided that you're not good enough for the thing that you do all the God damn time. For God's sakes, Leticia, you're old enough to do this kind of thing by yourself now! There are more than enough people in this room to solve this catastrophe that you're whiney little interns probably started in the first place! It's time you learnt to stop coming crying to me every time someone pushed you over!"
JD stared at Perry and nodded. "Sorry." He moved on and continued his job.
Feeling completely bad but having to stay looking irritated, Perry joined in with the helping anyway, resulting in four patients living and two dying. They were probably off to heaven anyway, but it still didn't make him feel much better when they did die. Afterwards, the nurses gave him a face that said he was an idiot for ranting at a time like this, and even some of the interns shook their heads they thought they were out of his eye line.
JD glanced at Perry and made to sneak past him but the older man grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back. "Look, I'm sorry."
"Yeah, well, you should be." JD stuttered, trying to act accomplished. "People died. Granted, they were, like, 80, but that's not the point."
"You know how I am." Perry shrugged. "Black and white. There's no in between with me. Like most things."
"That's not true, gray exists." JD pointed out. "There's goo between solid and liquid and there's sleet between snow and rain."
"I feel like sleet. That's not how I do things and you know it. Now get going. I'm sure you have a busy night on call."
"I don't, I'm going home now."
"Oh really?" At that point, Perry tried to ignore the little urges in the pit of his stomach that were screaming at him to offer the kid a lift home and then maybe see where things went from there. Perhaps if he finally sorted his feelings out, they would turn out to be something else more reasonable and manly?
Perry knew what he had to do. He had to stifle those screams and just nod at his protégée, because nothing sickened him more than homosexual relations with someone who wasn't actually homosexual. No offence to the gays, or anything, because he had nothing against them. But to lie about his sexuality just because of one smart-mouthed punk? It didn't seem right. He was confident about who he was as a person and no amount of girlish feelings would ever change that.
When he got home, Jordan was sat on the couch tapping her foot impatiently with a look of death on her face. Apparently, leaving Jack with the nanny to go save lives was wrong, but leaving him with his broken father to go clubbing was perfectly fine. The anger dwelled inside Perry's guts all through the night and carried on till morning.