The Swear Jar

Crackish fic, I tried to keep the characters still a bit in line. Hope you enjoy~

Szayel Aporro Granz belongs to Tite Kubo. Along with Espada, and any other characters.


Szayel Aporro Granz strolled through the blank white halls of Las Noches. His lab was in desperate need of an upgrade, and Aizen complained about the fact someone would notice if tried to withdraw from his bank account. As for everyone else, no one wanted to spare their money for his crazy experiments. Or, they were simply dirt poor.

Now I regret helping Nnoitra. Nelliel would've helped… He sighed miserably. How could he, the most smartest Arrancar, not have a solution to make decent money without running into a bank with Aizen's debit card?

"Dammit, Nnoitra! Stop stealing my fucking shampoo! Your hair doesn't need to shine like Edward Cullen!" he heard someone's familiar yell.

"Are you implying you read Twilight? Wow. You're more of a pussy than I thought," responded Nnoitra. Szayel grinned deviously. He was sure he could get something out of those two. Constant swearing did peak at him a bit, though he's had a share of his own, it wasn't as contagious as Grimmjow's and Nnoitra's F-bombs. Szayel casually strolled in, concealing his once Gin-wide-grinning to his geeky normal smirk.

"Maybe if you guys just shut up, I could let my ingenuity resume its course of devising traps…" he said.

"Yeah, like a noob like you can tell us to shut the fuck up," said both higher ranked Espada. Another thing he regretted: Getting Microsoft, getting a laptop, giving a laptop to his colleagues, and giving them internet for that matter. Within 2 weeks the Espada had taken the interwebs language as a secondary one. Now, they swore and called each other noobs constantly. Fights between Grimmjow and Ulquiorra were even more common, and then ended in BFF hugs for some reason. What was even worse, Aizen found Facebook and required everyone to make one under an alias. Now Halibel was addicted to FarmVille and threatened everyone to send her planks or they'd be missing a limb in the morning…

At this, Szayel sweatdropped. Grimmjow, Yammy, Ulquiorra, and Nnoitra had their laptops installed with Battlefield 2. Again, a HORRIBLE idea. Their swearing got even worse, and now they'd hissy fight in the hall before bedtime.

"You guys swear too much..it's becoming annoying," he continued anyways.

"That's what she said..OHHHH!" Nnoitra said. Szayel's brows furrowed and he scowled.

"That didn't even make sense, so shut the hell up." Szayel then sonidoed out of the room.

Crap, crap, crap, crap. I know I can use their swearing for something… he mumbled to himself as he reached his lab. Lucky for him, his computer wasn't so outdated he couldn't use the interwebs.

After a few minutes, he cried out in evil joy.

"I'M GONNA BE A MILLIONARE BABY!"

Tia Harribel passed by as he said so. She scowled, well, tried. I'm going to kill him if he has a million coins on FarmVille. Her fraccion strolled behind her. Sun Sun muttered, "She's annoyed, we better stay back…" The other two gulped and walked a bit slower.

Szayel couldn't sleep last night. One, he felt Halibel's reiatsu spike after he screamed yesterday, so he was afraid he was going to lose a limb like she threatened. Two, he was excited. He's gonna make some moolah off a bunch of swearing idiots. How convenient was that? He praised himself for being so smart.

Aizen called another boring meeting. Not many of them listened like almost every time, unless it dealt with blowing up something. After maybe 30 minutes, Aizen called out the words of a savior, "Alright, you are dismissed." Everyone got up and left as quickly as possible except Szayel.

"Aizen-sama?" he called up to his creator.

"Yes, my son?" he responded. Szayel held his tongue. No one liked to recognize Aizen as a father figure…and no one did.

"Can I speak to Ichimaru-san?" he asked nervously. I'm screwed if he thinks I'm plotting something against him! Aizen looked the least bit surprised and Gin showed up a few moments later.

"Yeah, Szayel?" Gin greeted with that fox smile of his.

"We'll talk in my lab, how's that?" Szayel wanted to get away from Aizen's staring. He wondered if Halibel ever felt violated over how much he glanced at her boobs.

Gin sat down in a chair and waited for Szayel to say something. He noticed he bounced with a skip in his step.

"I need a jar," Szayel said. Gin deadpanned, but then his grin grew wider as Szayel whispered the plan.

"I can get it for ya, no problem," Gin said and disappeared. Szayel giggled. Yes, giggled. Like a little schoolgirl.

An hour later, Gin came back with a clear class jar with a lid. Szayel squeed, grabbed it, then stabbed a slit into the top. After 5 minutes of trying to find clean paper and a working Sharpie, he created his most ghetto invention (not really an invention) ever.

"I present you…THE SWEAR JAR!" He wrote, "The Swear Jar- Every time to cuss, put a dollar into the jar. I'll hunt you down if you don't pay up. Love, Szayel~" and twirled around with it. Gin sweatdropped.

Does he normally do that with everything he makes?

"Thanks, Ichimaru-san!" Szayel squeed, then skipped out of the room looking for the swearing Espadas.

He found all of them, even Barragan who somehow wedged his fat ass out of his chair, in an empty room he renovated into a really bare gaming lounge. Grimmjow sat in front of the TV, playing an extremely popular game in the human realm. When Aizen somehow managed to steal a TV, Xbox 360, and the game, he said it was called Modern Warfare 2. Warfare it was, entirely. Szayel casually set down his jar onto the table. Ulquiorra was the first to notice.

"Szayel, what is that?" he asked monotonously.

"Just wait and see," Szayel grinned. Grimmjow was getting progressively angrier at the game, calling everyone that headshotted him a "hacker". Everyone knew he just plain sucked at this, really. Another 3 games later, he lost it.

"FUCK YOU MOTHER FUCKERS! GO FUCK YOUR DAMN MOTHER IN THE FUCKING ASS FUCKTARDS!"

Szayel counted 6 dollars. He walked up to Grimmjow and tapped him on the shoulder. Grimmjow, red as he could possibly be, screamed out, "WHAT BITCH?"

"7 dollars, now." Szayel held out his jar.

"What the fuck is that!"

"8 dollars."

"8 fucking dollars for WHAT?"

"9 dollars."

"It's his swear jar," Ulquiorra said.

"Shit."

"10." Grimmjow pulled out his wallet and slipped a ten dollar bill in it.

Dammit, he's going to get millions from us.

In only two weeks, Szayel had collected some 3000 dollars from the Espada. Not bad for a jar with a piece of paper on it. Everyone had finally learned to hold their tongue, so Szayel came up with a new plan. He flipped the paper over and wrote: 5 bucks everytime you swear or not talk for more than 15 seconds. Thousands of dollars later, the jar was thrown out the window.

Szayel grinned anyways, he got his new pimped out laboratory…and Halibel officially dominated FarmVille.