A CAPELLA

Mercedes

God, do I have to sing a song like this for the assignment? Tell me not every ballad is like this, or I will have to kill someone. Blah-blah-look-at-us-we-have-a-cheesy-love-duet-blah-blah-blah.

Someone shut them up already. Berry might be about as annoying as they come, but she is never this freaking boring. Hell, the girl's got a set of pipes; normally I'd be fine listening to her singing out the phone book. When she's not hogging all the solos. But this song is killing my mind. Fuck it, if I accidentally lure zombies or something her by getting brain cells all over the floor, I'm blaming them.

Wait, is she checking Mr. Schue out?

Quinn

They sound good together, I'll give them that. Oh great, she's giving him those big puppy dog eyes. Christ. While I'll admit Schuester isn't bad looking for a teacher, I know how this will play out – silly schoolgirl will obsessively pursue her impossible crush, until it is shattered, and the whole scene will play out with tedious inevitability. I know Rachel Berry, and like everything, she will be as obnoxious about this as possible – poor Mr. Schue.

And I think Finn is staring at her ass – fuck.

Tina

Um, okay. This is awkward. Rachel, if you can somehow hear me, back away! He is married and expecting a kid and your teacher! This only ever works out in cliched and mildly offensive young adult novels!

Okay, Schue looks kind of terrified now. Should someone step in? That might be rude; they are singing a duet after all. Everyone seems to think this is really funny. But Rachel is just going to wind up horribly humiliating herself and I'll feel bad for her.

Damn my lack of telepathic powers to warn her.

Mike

Uh, why are they still doing this? This doesn't clarify what a ballad is very much. And Rachel has that Swimfan look in her eyes again; Schue, you are only getting yourself into more trouble here. Run away, now.

Or, uh, you forgot my name, so ha.

Santana

Puck isn't wearing underwear. Why did he walk up to me and tell me that? Why do I care? I do that all the time, and I know he's not trying to actually date me again. That was bad for both of us, and I still fuck him semi-regularly, so why did he tell me that again?

I am not going to stare at his ass. I am not.

Brittany

So wait, where's the duck?

Artie

...I still don't understand what kinds of songs we're meant to be singing.