A/N: This is VERY ADULT humour. Seriously, if fairly coarse language and situations offend, don't read it.
Also, most of the tips in this are real, taken from a nameless magazine, and yes, they are horrific. This is part of the Silence-verse, so I'd suggest aquainting yourself with that before you read. This takes place sometime after part two of 'Running with Wolves...'
Love to reviewers and to my dear Countess Black.
Bellatrix was bored. This was a bad thing. She got into mischief when bored, as Cissy could (and did, no doubt) tell anyone who would listen. Trapped in the muggle house like they were, all they had to look at was muggle entertainments.
Like the picture box. Bellatrix had tried watching it at first, but then, quite by accident, Collins had discovered some sort of sport and, even as she sulked about, the men were downstairs shouting contradictory advice to the filthy muggles who played on the field.
"Oi! Go left! Left!"
"What's left, Rookwood?"
"Don't know. But no one's run that way lately, and I'd fancy seeing the blokes in the red shirts having the ball."
"Red? I'm for yellow."
"Yellow? They're shite!"
"You're shite!" Fully three quarters of Britains most feared Death Eaters (plus Pettigrew) were engaged in this idiocy. At least they'd agreed not to hex one another.
She sighed loudly and stomped down the hall. Surely there was something to do here. She opened her door and stomped down the hall, so incensed she literally bumped into Greyback. "Bellatrix."
"What are you up to?"
Bellatrix looked up at the hulking figure in front of her and sighed loudly. "Looking for something to read in this benighted privy, that's what."
"Yes, read, like the little squiggly lines in books. Didn't think you'd understand."
Greyback toyed with the idea of turning her across his knee for a lesson in manners, but he didn't want to push her too much too soon. It would make his life harder. He growled and left it at that for the moment.
"Well? Aren't you going to offer to help me?"
He leered. "I can think of something would help you, Bella."
Bellatrix snorted. "No, I wanted something that last longer than the time it takes me to find it."
She was cruising for an attitude adjustment, and he was preparing to give it to her when a door opened and Alecto Carrow clad borrowed sleepwear, poked her head into the hall.
"What's that you've got, Alecto?" Alecto was holding something vaguely book shaped behind her back, Bellatrix had noticed.
The woman stood taller and said "I've been reading up on the enemy, using their own works against them."
Bellatrix darted over and tugged the thing from the woman's hands. " Well done. The Cause demands you sacrifice this 'Metropolitan' you're reading. I trust you've no objections?"
Alecto, who'd been reading a truly baffling article about something to do with men and mouths, nodded, half afraid. She'd read a nice book instead. There was one with a cat on the front which looked promising. 'Pet Semetary', it said. Whatever it was, it couldn't be half as scary as the magazine.
Bellatrix stalked back down the hall and threw the door open, trailed by Greyback "Well, that was quick."
"I thought I was supposed to say that." She thrust the magazine at him and he studied the leathery, half nude woman cavorting on the front. "Is this some sort of pornography?"
"I hope not. It makes me think we ought to find whomever did this and kill them before the other muggles."
Greyback considered. "If muggle men find this attractive, it might work out for the best anyhow. I can't wouldn't want to live this way."
He took up the magazine and flipped. "'Drive him wild with your mouth'? What do you suppose that means?"
Bellatrix snatched the magazine and read aloud. "The secret to pleasuring a man orally is all in the use of one's tongue."
Greyback snorted loudly. "Blimey! Muggle men are stupid. Who'd want a woman to use her tongue more than she does already?"
Bellatrix ignored him. " Use cold grapes to stimulate him'. What kind of stupid health advice is that? Haven't muggles some sort of Pepper Up potion to take if needed?"
Greyback seized the magazine, determined to find something comprehensible. " If this is a woman's magazine, where are the sections about obedience and being respectful?" He grumbled in disgust and flipped to a random page. "All right, this sounds safe enough. 'Raising the roof: red hot strategies to light up the bedroom'. Must be about house repair."
"Offer her a full body massage with tasty fruit to rouse her passion' Do they think me a bloody house elf?"
"Look closer, perhaps there's an article about which trees one should piddle on during a romantic evening."
Greyback set the magazine down slowly and looked at Bellatrix. "You're begging for it, Bellatrix."
She laughed and snatched the magazine back. "Danger makes me feel alive."
"Wonder how a blistered arse'll make you feel?"
"Here's one: 'Put ice in your hand and use to it stimulate the most sensitive parts of his equipment.' Are they suggesting some sort of ice rub might help with keeping sport gear in trim?"
Greyback took the magazine back and read the rest. "They're on about the mouth again. I wonder if…" He read a bit more. "Merlin's saggy nadgers! Do you know what I think they mean by that?"
"No, wolf. Do enlighten me. I simply can't wait to hear your insights."
He bent his head and whispered in her ear a moment. "WHAT? YOU FREAK! NO ONE DOES THAT!"
"You're just imagining it. And even if you weren't, I certainly wouldn't oblige you."
"I'd not ask. You'd bite it off."
Bellatrix considered. "It would stop your strutting and posturing, perhaps." Greyback put a hand defensively over his groin. "Keep your teeth away from Sodding Great Fen, you harpy!"
"'Sodding Great Fen?'"
"Well, I've not had any complaints."
"They thought you'd eat them after."
"Who says I didn't?" Bellatrix didn't bother to dignify that with an answer. Instead, she rose and stretched. "Well, shall we go and find something to do?"
Greyback laughed and dragged her back to the bed. "I've the cure for your boredom here, Bel."
"What, no massage?" She pouted as Greyback looked vexed and then grinned. "I can think of something I'd like to massage, for sure."
After, they lay in the heat and the searingly bright muggle light, as Bellatrix sulked and Greyback admired how brightly she was glowing. "Bels?"
"If I was going to let any woman near Sodding Great Fen with her mouth…it'd be my mudblood girl. But you'd be next choice."
She rolled on her back and gave him one of her weird, uncomfortable smiles. "And if there was ever a man who's endowment I should like to bite off, you'd be first, Greyback." She'd worked out how to kill the lights with her wand, and did it.
"Good sleep, Wolf."
And so, laughing, she drifted, as beside her the wolfman carefully incendio'd the magazine, and, casting a quick warding spell at Sodding Great Fen, went to sleep.