One Piece: Spin the Bottle!

. . . A pointless romp by Laydee Jiraya . . .

It was Nami's birthday, so of course she was being an even bigger bitch than usual. So far, she had officially declared this day to be Queen Nami Day, announced that all men were her slaves and Robin was her Grand Vizier, and even forced Usopp to make her a crown and scepter in his factory. She'd knighted Sanji for his loyal efforts (the sod had made her three cakes, for god sake), and on the other hand had ordered Zoro locked in the hold for not paying her tribute (in other words, he failed to get her a present). Luffy was next to be locked away, after he dared to eat a premature slice of her second cake. When she opened Brooke's present, he was the third—the jerk had actually bought her a pair of panties.

"So Robin! What should we do next?" Nami asked from her high horse—in this case, Usopp. Usopp groaned and shifted under the weight as he stooped over—he'd been forced into becoming Nami's "Unicorn" after she got too drunk to use her own two legs. She'd even considered making him wear a horn, 'til she realized his nose did the job perfectly on its own.

"As your advisor, I advise you to let everyone out, and we can play games together," Robin said. So far, she had found the events of the day to be highly amusing—but there was potential for even more amusement still.

"Games?" Nami frowned in her drunken stupor. "What, like chess? That sounds . . . hic . . . pretty boring!"

"No. I mean like . . ." And she proceeded to whisper in the navigator's ear, too quietly for even Usopp to hear.

Usopp frowned. This was no doubt going to be, for him and the rest of the men, utter misery—he could tell that much because they were smiling. At any rate the 'prisoners' were let out, and it was decided that absolutely everyone had to participate in whatever games Nami and Robin came up with.

All this was the fault of Nami's henchmen, really—Sanji was too much of a love-struck prick to do anything but fawn over her, Usopp was too much of a coward to dare defy her, and Robin was, well, Robin. The four of them had made a pact yesterday at Nami's behest—all of them got their way on their birthdays or all of them would strike together for a month. Basically that meant no food and no navigating (Usopp and Robin didn't really do much).

"Sanji-kun!" Nami demanded. "We need a wine bottle! An empty one!"

"An empty wine bottle?" He didn't get it—and then his perverted mind latched onto a bizarre idea that nobody but Sanji could have ever come up with. "Who's it going in?"

Nami and Robin just stared.

". . . It's not going in anyone, you creep! Keep your ideas to yourself and get me a bottle!" Nami yelled, and bitch-slapped him.

"Hai, Nami-swan! I love Nami-swan when she's being assertive!" His eyes became hearts as he roved about in the trash bin, looking for Nami's most-recently-drunk bottle. It was a black bottle—Merlot, a good year, and the cork was shoved back in the top. "Here you go! But what's it for?"

She flashed him a deliciously evil smile. "I wanna play spin the bottle!"

Sanji collapsed from the sudden loss of blood as it spurted from his nose.

Everyone gathered in a circle on the deck and sat down Indian-style. Nami and Robin bore amused smirks—Luffy had a blank look on his face and was picking his nose—everyone else was heaps apprehensive.

"You guys! We have decided to play spin the bottle." By 'we' she meant herself, not her and Robin. 'We' was how queens addressed themselves, so she'd been calling herself that on-and-off all day—much to everyone's chagrin. "The rules are . . . you spin it . . . and um . . . and whoever the cork points at you . . . hic . . . ya gotta kiss 'em!"

"On the lips," Robin added.

"Whoa, wait a minute! This is not cool!" Franky butted in. "It's mostly guys here!"

"He's right!" Chopper realized. "Chances are, you two will kiss guys . . . and the guys will mostly kiss guys too!"

Everyone looked petrified at that thought—that is, everyone who was a guy (except for Luffy, who just looked stupidly happy).

"Preslicely," Nami stated, took a swig and gave a tipsy giggle. "Robin! You have the camera ready?"

"I do, but there's something I'd like to recommend," she said, and whispered more devious ideas into Nami's head.

"Ah yes!" Nami concluded. "One more rule! Brooke and Chopper." She took another swig of the half-gone bottle of wine. "Are not allowed to partissa-plate . . . partika . . . parta . . . take part."

"Yatta!" Chopper shouted, and ran off cheering.

Brooke looked sad and disappointed, if that's possible for a skeleton to achieve, and wandered off. He'd been hoping his spin would land on the ladies—though then again, it could have landed on another man as well. Maybe this was for the best.

"Okay, well, it's my birthday!"

A tired chorus: "We know."

"So I'll go first!" The bottle was laid down. The bottle was spun. Round and round it went, the tip pointing at Luffy as it slowed. It continued its course, now pointing at Franky, then Zoro. It got past Sanji, then Nami—and then finally it stopped, pointing just to Nami's right.

Luffy burst out laughing. "Shishishi! Nami! You have to kiss Robin!"

The two girls frowned, and looked annoyed.

"I say she gets one more go," Robin said.

"I say I . . . I get one more go," Nami concluded, pointing a finger in the air with an official sort of aura. Again, the black bottle was spun. Again, it pointed at Robin.

"There's no way you get another go," Zoro said, and smirked.

"Please? It's my birthday!"

"We know!"

"It's not so bad, nabigeda-san. It'll just be a quick peck. I'm sure it won't land on me again."

"Very well," Nami told them, her voice mighty and expressing utter control, strength in the face of adversity. The peck wasn't just quick—it was lightning fast, so fast it required a photo finish (which Sanji happily provided).

"Cook-san, throw that away!" Robin demanded, after the Polaroid slipped from its slot for the world to see.

Sadly, the cook let it fall in the trashcan—or so it appeared. He'd really let it fall between the wall and the can, and he'd be back for that later. That was worthy of keeping under his pillow.

Robin went next, and got to kiss Franky—something which neither of them seemed to mind. In fact, it took close to a minute and a few poignant coughs to get them to part. Next, was Usopp. The bottle turned. The bottle pointed at a variety of faces, each of them looking at it in horror, praying it wouldn't stop. The bottle came back around, and pointed at . . .

Sanji and Usopp stared at each other. Each of them raised a finger, and pointed.

"AH!"

"AH!"

"No way! No way in hell, shit-sniper!"

"Nami! Let me have another go! Please let me have another go!" he wept.

"NO! You guys are such babies, geez! Even I kissed . . . hic . . . Robin!"

"But you got another turn! Let him have another turn!" Sanji begged, actually semi-disagreeing with Nami for a change.

"NO! Jus' do it!" she slurred.

The cigarette fell from Sanji's trembling lips. His face was a portrait of mortified panic. "Hai, N-Nami-s-s . . ." he couldn't finish that thought. They leaned in a little closer. A little nearer still—and stopped, frozen in place. Neither of them could move.

"Eeek," was all Usopp could manage, as he looked away, eyes winced closed.

"Oh for godsake," Nami griped. She stood unsteadily and wavered over to where the two crouched on the floor, about a foot apart.

The last thing Sanji saw was a pair of giant fish lips before Nami slammed their heads together, forcing them into a horrifying smooch. Robin giggled into her fingers. Sanji's eyes went wide like saucers and he backed away very fast, gasping. Usopp didn't move. Nami poked him and he fell over—still in the same pose, like he was a statue. His eyes remained closed, head turned in an effort to not look.

"He fainted," Nami sighed, and pushed him out of the way with her foot.

Luffy and Robin were currently in hysterics. Franky and Zoro both hit him upside the head.

"Baka! That could've been us," Zoro informed him.

"Yeah, it still could be. I'm not liking where this is headed," Franky noted.

Luffy just massaged his head and pouted. "It's not that big a deal, Zoro. I don't mind kissing you."

Nami and Robin just stared, while Zoro blushed and muttered something no one could make out.

"Luffy!" Nami caterwauled. "It's your turn!"

And of all the people to land on, it landed on Zoro. There was no hesitation at all—on Luffy's part. Zoro tried backing away, but he wasn't quick enough before Luffy pounced on him, enveloping his lips in what looked like, to all present, a passionate kiss. Zoro's heart pounded in his chest—and then of all the weirdest things that could possibly occur, the first mate put his arms around his captain. Strong hands pressed against slight shoulder-blades, square fingers trembling against red shirt-cloth and the soft skin underneath while Zoro . . . kissed back.

Their lips finally parted, leaving everyone stunned—everyone except Luffy.

"See? It's no big deal," Luffy told them all, and snickered.

"Did you . . . did you get it?" Nami managed.

Robin nodded. "I did." She handed the photograph to the navigator.

"Ah! This is brilliant! I'm gonna hang this on the fridge!"

"The hell you are!" Zoro growled. His complexion refused to be anything but scarlet.

Franky went next, sobbing all the while the bottle spun—but it landed on Nami, and he shut up very quickly. She had to all but push him off her after the kiss was done. Then it was supposed to be Zoro's turn, but he looked like he still hadn't recovered from the shock—and might possibly go on a killing spree.

"Nabigeda-san," Robin counseled her, "let's skip Zoro."

"Ah," Nami nodded. "Zoro, you don't have to—"

"No! I want to!" All present looked surprised as his big angular hand covered the bottle and spun it—it pointed at Robin. "Let me go again!" His demands were beyond them. Shouldn't he have . . . wanted it to land on one of the ladies?

Nami shrugged. "I um . . . okay?"

"What the hell! That isn't fair! You didn't let me go again!" Usopp wept, now recovered from his faint. His gripes were interrupted by the bottle coming to a stop—or more importantly, by what happened next. It had landed on Luffy, and now the swordsman had him pressed against the deck boards, covering his lips, face, and neck in a series of trembling kisses, augmented by the click of a camera going off in rapid succession.

"Hey, hey!" Franky shouted as they knocked into him. "Get a room!"

"Should we stop this?" Sanji wondered aloud, trying not to look at them.

"No way," Nami insisted.

Robin was suffering from a sudden nosebleed.

At last their lips parted and Zoro got off the captain and stood. Weirdly enough, Luffy was smiling—and blushing as well.

"I uh . . . sorry, Luff. . . . Um . . ." He decided that was enough and looked lost, then started to walk off to nowhere in particular.

Luffy was quiet for a few moments before he responded—and the response was nothing but a giggle of pure delight. "What're you apologizing for? I liked it!" A rubbery arm shot out, wrapping around his first mate's waist, half-dragging, half making him fall back to where Luffy sat.

Only Sanji was left, and he really, really wanted to get away—to run off screaming into the night, tearing his clothes off before burning them and then finally jumping into the ocean, hoping it would wash him clean—but he couldn't do that to his lovely Nami-swan. This was something she wanted and it was her birthday after all—not that he wouldn't let her do whatever she wanted on all the other three hundred and sixty-four days of the year anyways.

Sanji clasped the bottle in a trembling hand and spun. Round and round it went, making small glassy tinks against the deck boards before it stopped. He'd had his head down, eyes closed, fingers crossed, praying to whatever god of luck there might be out there that this would land on Nami-swan—his Nami-swan—or at least on Robin-chwan. The absence of sound made him aware that he should look up and see which of the two lovely ladies it had landed on.

He opened his eyes, and it was pointed at Usopp.

"Oh, hell no!" he stated.