A/N: OK its finally done. I'm sorry if this disappoints you. I may have overdone things a little. What with all the pervy jokes and the spoilers. Yes, there are SPOILERS. You have been forewarned. The format belongs to Theresa Green, not me etc etc. But please, try your best to enjoy. Thanks!
ORIHARA IZAYA: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the proud owner of your very own ORIHARA IZAYA unit. This guide will be essential in unlocking the fullest potential of your insane informant. And on this note, we congratulate you wholeheartedly on your purchase once again.
Name: ORIHARA IZAYA (will respond to names like 'Izaya-san', 'Orihara-san', 'Izaya', 'Orihara Izaya-san' and if you really want, 'Iza-nii', 'Iza-Iza', 'Izaya-kun', 'Nakura', 'Kanra', 'guy with the black furry coat I really want to rub my face with' and even 'knife-me-you-smexy-little-black-furry-you')
Place of Manufacture: Ikebukuro, Japan
Length: This unit maybe very slender, but please be prepare for some very unexpected surprises. As the old adage goes, big surprises come in small packages.
Your ORIHARA IZAYA unit comes with the following accessories:
One big-ass Apple Mac computer
One white Apple Macbook
One black cellphone
Some rings (random quantity)
One black shirt
One pair of black trousers
One fur-trimmed coat (hand wash only)
One pair of black leather shoes
One flickblade knife
One disembodied CELTY STURLUSON unit's head
Note: You will not be allowed to use his computers under any circumstances. And yes, the ORIHARA IZAYA unit does not believe in Microsoft. Also, do not show the CELTY STURLUSON unit's head to anyone. You may be mistaken for a mass murderer with a disembodied head fetish. You have been warned.
Removing your ORIHARA IZAYA unit from his box
Your ORIHARA IZAYA unit is one of the easiest units to remove from the packaging. He will not struggle in any way, unless you attempt violent removal. As menacing as your ORIHARA IZAYA unit may seem, with his slanted crimson eyes and creepy-ass grin, he still prefers to be handled gently. Due to his more passive nature, we have not restrained him in any way, and if you manhandle him, he will do unspeakable things to you. You may notice that we have included his flickblade knife in a separate package. This a precautionary measure to stop him from cutting himself out of the packaging or from slashing you upon opening.
Even without his flickblade knife, the ORIHARA IZAYA unit is still a very dangerous one before any prior programming. This because he is a master of pakour and can easily manoeuvre himself out of the box if you attempt violent removal. He will then proceed to crush one or more of your prized possessions under his feet. If you do not have any, he will laugh maniacally until you lose your mind and have to be sent to the local asylum.
All you have to do to prevent those horrible things from happening is to remove the tape carefully and open the box. Your ORIHARA IZAYA unit will wriggle his way out of the box and voila, you can now start programming him.
Like all our other units in the DURARARA! series, the ORIHARA IZAYA unit is extremely versatile and can serve several purposes. Here we have a list of suggestions to help you make the best of your ORIHARA IZAYA unit.
Movie star: Not only is your ORIHARA IZAYA good-looking, with his finely chiselled features, he is also a master of pakour and exceptionally skilled with his flickblade knife. Furthermore, your ORIHARA IZAYA unit can actually tell a fellow actress (or actor) that he loves them, and actually mean it! He will be a wonderful actor, and will be able to land several leading roles. Perhaps he could try out for something like Prince of Persia? Before you know it, your ORIHARA IZAYA unit will be gracing the silver screen and you will be raking in millions.
Sushi chef: Puking up from the Borscht sushi your SIMON BREHZNEV unit served yesterday? Fret not, the ORIHARA IZAYA unit is surprisingly talented at sushi making. Together with his trusty flickblade knife, the ORIHARA IZAYA unit is perfectly capable of serving up delectable sushi dishes to your liking. You can even open your own sushi restaurant!
Personal informant: This is obviously what the ORIHARA IZAYA unit was manufactured to do. Your ORIHARA IZAYA unit is especially happy when he is collecting information about hapless suicidal girls and pharmaceutical megacorps. Want some dirt about the school bully? Get your ORIHARA IZAYA unit to dig up some and then spread rumours about him or her! (Warning: We cannot guarantee that your ORIHARA IZAYA unit will not spread rumours about you.)
Male model: With his slender, supple physique and languorous elegance, this was one other role the ORIHARA IZAYA units were cut out to do. Your ORIHARA IZAYA unit will humour you willingly, and will gladly bare his body for nude photo shoots whilst fangirls swoon in the background. He is fully capable of keeping them at bay with his flickblade knife. Enjoy the free money. But if that fails for some reason, and the fangirls manage to ravish his nude body, he will never ever forgive you. The ORIHARA IZAYA unit values his virginity deeply.
Ninja: Your ORIHARA IZAYA unit enjoys wearing black, and will absolutely delight at the opportunity to be a ninja. He loves sharp objects, so shurikens, kunais and the like will definitely appeal to him. Furthermore, he gets to wear black. (Warning: Do not try to dress him up in an orange jumpsuit, no matter how much you love Naruto. You have been warned.) Also, with his god-awesome parkour moves, your Ninja!ORIHARA IZAYA unit will be able to carry out a large number of activities (illicit or not) on your behalf. It's up to your creativity.
Stalker: Got that special guy or gal that you like? But for some reason they keep placing restraining orders on you? Don't worry, your ORIHARA IZAYA unit is shameless and will be able to stalk, correction follow, the victim, correction, the object of your desire to the ends of the world. He will incessantly tell them that he loves them on your behalf. Persistance, we believe, will warm even the coldest hearts.
Neighbourhood Weirdo: Your dreary neighbourhood has got to be one of the most boring ones in the entire Milky Way. You dream of life in the big city. Sound familiar? Why not spice it up with your very own Neighbourhood Weirdo? Your ORIHARA IZAYA unit will be more than happy to play the role! He is fully capable of creeping the hell out of virtually everyone (including the damn, correction, darn Neighbourhood Watch Committee) with his weird chess/checkers/shogi playing and his signature evil laugh and his cellphone/boyfriend stomping tendencies. Also his evocative speeches are guaranteed to mess up someone a little (or for life). With suicidal psychopaths running around in your neighbourhood, life will be so much more exciting!
Russian-to-Japanese translator: Your ORIHARA IZAYA unit is surprisingly proficient in Russian, despite being so young. Use this feature to your advantage, if you have any Russian books, homework, fan fiction, tourists etc you want read/done/dealt with. Or if you have no idea what your SIMON BREHZNEV unit is saying. However, you must first be proficient in Japanese or you won't understand a thing your ORIHARA IZAYA unit is telling you. The DURARARA! series characters do not come English dubbed. But for some reason, the manual is in English. Feel free to ponder these oddities with your ORIHARA IZAYA unit, though.
Your ORIHARA IZAYA unit will come in the following modes:
Crazily Creepy (default)
Random Slashing Spree
Emo/Out of Character (locked)
Your ORIHARA IZAYA unit may not seem to have as many modes as other DURARARA! series characters, like say, the HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit, but this is because his Crazily Creepy mode encompasses a wide spectrum of behaviour/emotions/actions. He is extremely unpredictable in this mode, and unfortunately for you, it is his default mode. In this mode, he will do everything in his power to creep you out and evoke unwanted emotions within you. In other words, he is going to place you under extreme mental duress for every waking moment of your existence. But don't be discouraged; take it as a chance to accept his flaws. (If it's a flaw, fix it! But in your ORIHARA IZAYA unit's case, this is not possible. At all.) In this mode, your ORIHARA IZAYA can do anything. It is simply not possible for us to document all the possible behaviour/emotions/actions he is capable off. But one thing's for sure, they are guaranteed to piss you off. And trust us, he will.
A tip: It seems that one of his favourite things to do in this mode is to (a) play a whacked out game of chess/checkers/shogi (b) laugh maniacally for no reason (c) tell you and your mother that he loves the both of you, thus causing your mother to slap him and then file for a restraining order, which then results in him whipping out his flickblade knife and threatening you (d) use your prized possessions as a personal trampoline (e) watch Hanamaru Kindergarten (f) spin around in a swivel chair—which he will demand for if you don't have one at home (g) give in to his pyromania and set things on fire repeatedly even though you have told him repeatedly not to (h) fondle disembodied heads/skulls etc even though you have also told him repeatedly not to do so (i) make motorcycle noises in the vicinity of motorcycles
In his Crazily Creepy mode, your ORIHARA IZAYA unit may have a sudden urge to utilise his flickblade knife if he has not done so for prolonged periods of time. Thus this brings us to his next mode, his Random Slashing Spree mode, which he will enter if you confiscate his flickblade knife, or if he wants to. This is a rather dangerous mode which will cause many of your neighbours a lot of pain and hospital bills, because in this mode, the ORIHARA IZAYA has taken it into his head to imitate a NIEKAWA HARUNA unit. Be warned, that you will have to foot the hospital bills if they find that you own the ORIHARA IZAYA unit (see Disclaimer/Legal Issues section for more details). He also swings into this mode if a HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit comes charging at him. It cannot be helped. This also happens to be one of his defence mechanisms. Note that even after he has escape from the HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit, he may still decide to stay in this mode. There is no way to get him out of it. He decides when he gets out of it.
Your ORIHARA IZAYA unit is usually very happy as long as he is in the presence of humans, almost idiotically so, as evidenced from the frequency of his evil laugh sessions. However if you place him in the vicinity of a SIMON BREHZNEV unit, there is a 29% chance that your ORIHARA IZAYA unit will enter Emo/Out of Character mode. He may also end up with a black eye and moderate to severe bruising. This is because the SIMON BREHZNEV unit is capable of injuring the ORIHARA IZAYA unit's ego (and not just his ego) with his evocative Russian words about how your ORIHARA IZAYA unit has an inferiority complex and is just some little coward with no balls in a black fur coat. With some luck (ahem), your ORIHARA IZAYA unit may become depressed and hug his knees in a corner, and sometimes (0.3% of the time), he will cry. This is very cute and he will let you hug him, which indicates that you are very lucky and you should buy the lottery or something.
However, if for some reason, you wish to abandon the opportunity for you and your ORIHARA IZAYA unit to start a beautiful relationship (because you are a heterosexual male—but if so, why did you even buy him?), you can always bring a YAGIRI NAMIE unit to him. Her overly truthful and sometimes mocking words will bring him back to his senses. This is also because the ORIHARA IZAYA unit cannot stand to be mocked by some chick in a green turtleneck and who is coincidentally in love with the YAGIRI SEIJI unit and will recover as a result. If you are strapped for cash and cannot afford or do not want a cynical, YAGIRI SEIJI-loving chick in a green turtleneck, you can always conk your ORIHARA IZAYA unit hard on the head with a sledgehammer (or something similar) and it is guaranteed that some sense will be knocked back into him (provided he isn't too concussed). It's either that or the weird chick.
Note: While your ORIHARA IZAYA unit is in Emo/Out of Character mode, keep him away from his flickblade knife or any sharp objects for that matter. He may start slitting himself.
The next mode to be discussed is one of the most popular in the DURARARA! series line. The Experienced Uke mode. Due to popular demand, we have unlocked this mode so that you can enjoy yaoi scenes immediately after painstakingly unlocking the Yaoi Fanboy/Out of Character mode on a HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit with minimum hassle. Your ORIHARA IZAYA unit will swoop in seamlessly and play the willing captive as an experienced uke. Sadly, this means that the HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit will strictly be the seme. We apologise sincerely to Izuo fans. In fact, this adds further to the versatility of your ORIHARA IZAYA unit's acting. He will be able to act in gay sex scenes, since he is so willingly homosexual. But if you really want, your ORIHARA IZAYA unit can be heterosexual as well. Essentially, his sexual orientation is not static and can be adjusted to your liking. Note that your ORIHARA IZAYA unit will go into his Experienced Uke mode most easily in the presence of HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit that has unlocked his Yaoi Fanboy/Out of Character mode. Your ORIHARA IZAYA is a masochist so rest assured, he can take whatever the HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit can dish out.
For people who wish to see the ORIHARA IZAYA unit perform hot, wild sex with other male units like the RYUUGAMINE MIKADO unit or the KIDA MASAOMI unit, some light tweaking is required.
Relationships with other units:
HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO: Your ORIHARA IZAYA unit hates this unit's guts and delights in tormenting said unit to no end. It's as mean as hell, but given the eccentric temperament of the ORIHARA IZAYA unit, we can do nothing but watch. It is absolutely not recommended for you to place your ORIHARA IZAYA unit near a HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit (unless the HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit's Yaoi Fanboy/Out of Character mode is unlocked and he is currently in that mode) because of the explosions and destruction that will ensue.100% of the time, your ORIHARA IZAYA unit will come home, with his childhood rival, the crazed ex-bartender hot on his heels. Said childhood rival will indiscriminately pulverize anything and everything that stands between him and your ORIHARA IZAYA unit. Sadly, your ORIHARA IZAYA unit enjoys pissing the hell out of HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO units and can and will bring home more than ten if you let him go out on a nocturnal escapade.
YAGIRI NAMIE: Your ORIHARA IZAYA unit enjoys creeping this unit out and flirting with it, but to no avail. The YAGIRI NAMIE unit seems to love only one thing, and that is a YAGIRI SEIJI unit and cannot be bothered with anything else. But for some reason, ORIHARA IZAYA units enjoy the company of YAGIRI NAMIE units and find them an endless source of entertainment. He also enjoys bossing them around. However the jaded cynicism of a YAGIRI NAMIE unit is one of the only things that can get your ORIHARA IZAYA unit out of a crying jag/treat his depression because he cannot stand to be mocked by someone like her, as previously explained.
MIKAJIMA SAKI: Your ORIHARA IZAYA unit enjoys lording over this unit because this unit is, or should we say was gaga for him. He loves telling her to do stupid things like letting herself be captured by the local hooligans and allowing her legs to be broken. He believes the best part of it all is when she actually does what she's told. However, later versions of the MIKAJIMA SAKI unit no longer seem to be receptive of the commands of the ORIHARA IZAYA unit and instead decide to throw themselves into the welcoming arms of the KIDA MASAOMI unit. Your ORIHARA IZAYA unit will not be very amused with the later versions of this unit, and will usually ignore them.
KIDA MASAOMI: ORIHARA IZAYA units enjoy tormenting this adorable unit for some reason. He simply enjoys watching the KIDA MASAOMI unit acting depressed and such. There is no other reason. So for the love of God, don't put these two together. It's just mean. But it is possible for a yaoi-filled relationship to bloom between these two if you so will it.
SIMON BREHZNEV: The one unit that can actually keep your ORIHARA IZAYA unit in line. If you are weak-willed/pathetic/easily frightened, we highly recommend you get this unit as well, even though he keeps offering you sushi you have never heard off. This unit is able to punch/kick/body slam your ORIHARA IZAYA unit into submission in the event that he misbehaves, effectively giving him embarrassing black eyes or trouser-wetting scenarios. Also it is the only unit that can cause your ORIHARA IZAYA unit to go into Emo/Out of Character mode from his philosophical Russian lectures.
ORIHARA MAIRU & ORIHARA KURURI: They annoy the crap out of your ORIHARA IZAYA unit. It is usually very fun to watch this. Enough said.
KISHITANI SHINRA: It helps if you get this unit. Your ORIHARA IZAYA will often come home looking like he's been knocked about a bit. Probably from a rendezvous with a HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit. This unit is rather efficient in taking care of his injuries. Also, your ORIHARA IZAYA unit may sometimes decide to be mean to this unit. This is often very amusing.
CELTY STURLUSON: Your ORIHARA IZAYA unit enjoys bossing this sweet-natured unit around and making her run errands. Sometimes he likes to be insensitive and talk to her about issues like death, suicidal people, aliens, crazy traffic cops and disembodied heads which scare her to no end. He likes to be naughty and keep the fact that he has her head from her.
Your ORIHARA IZAYA unit does not seem to have any shame and welcomes one and all to take baths with him. He is especially receptive to offers to scrub his back.
Your ORIHARA IZAYA unit is not an especially fussy eater. He enjoys eating any food that can tell him about the person who prepared it. Take this as an opportunity to feed him Brussels sprouts to show him what a health-conscious, caring, warm, motherly person you are. However, he really likes tuna belly sushi.
The ORIHARA IZAYA unit sometimes has five-year-old kindergartener tendencies and refuses to go to bed after nine and insists on staying up to watch reruns of Hanamaru Kindergarten or going out to annoy some unlucky people. You have to take him firmly in hand. Do this by whacking him upside the head with an iron board (or something similar). He will lapse into a period of unconsciousness and you can tuck him in. Like most male units (except the KISHITANI SHINRA units), he will not sleep with you unless you are very attractive.
Frequently asked questions
Q: My ORIHARA IZAYA unit is using my cellphone/boyfriend as a trampoline and is making motorcycle noises! What should I do?
A: It can't be helped, given the characteristics the Crazily Creepy mode. He is supposed to creep you out. However, if you really want him to stop, you could also try hitting him with a large rock (or something similar) or enlist the services of a SIMON BREHZNEV unit.
Q: My ORIHARA IZAYA unit won't stop crying even after I've conked him over the head with a sledgehammer? I want my crazy informant back! What should I do?
A: You should first calm down. Your ORIHARA IZAYA unit is most likely crying from the pain. He will get over it after a while and return to his normal self. Please note that he might not be very appreciative of your attempts to get him out of his funk.
Q: My unit just told my father/me that he loves him/me, leading him/me to seriously question his/my sexuality! What should he/I do?
A: You/your father could either consult a psychiatrist/see a family counsellor or write to one of those Dear Aunt Crystal columns.
Q: My unit ran off with a HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit and now I can't get him back. What should I do?
A: The HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO unit is most likely in Yaoi Fanboy/Out of Character mode. You can only buy a new one, and wish them wedded bliss, like all the fangirls on the planet would have.
Problem: You are very creeped out by your ORIHARA IZAYA unit.
Solution: This is very normal and part and parcel of life with an ORIHARA IZAYA unit. Deal with it.
Problem: Instead of the furry coated insane informant you expected, you received a shorter insane informant (in terms of both height and length) wearing a red shirt and a denim jacket and jeans.
Solution: Congratulations! You have received the High School!ORIHARA IZAYA unit. In terms of programming, it is exactly the same as the normal ORIHARA IZAYA unit and only the clothes are different. This is a limited edition unit and you are one of the lucky few randomly selected to receive it. You can either keep it or if you still want the original because you secretly fantasise about rubbing your face with that furry coat, you may call customer service and we will be happy to make an exchange.
Note: You will never receive a Child!ORIHARA IZAYA unit. This is because this version has never before been documented and we have no idea what it looks like.
Even with all his sadistic/insane/creepy/masochistic/pyromaniac tendencies, your ORIHARA IZAYA unit will prove to be an invaluable lifetime companion (because all your friends and family would have left you) that will bring you plenty of laughs and tears over the years, provided you don't turn suicidal.
We do not hold any responsibility, nor will we take any for any damage/mental scarring etc this ORIHARA IZAYA unit will cause. From the moment of purchase, he is YOUR responsibility. This is inclusive of all the crackpot things he may/may not do. Do not send us a bill. We will not entertain anything.
Well there you have it. I am one sick little fangirl...review? As for the Experienced Uke thing...well, I just like it OK? Haha, I'm most likely going to take a break from FF. School starts tomorrow. Urgh. I'm thinking of doing one for CELTY STURLUSON and KARISAWA ERIKA when I have the time. I started translating the Durarara! light novel from Chinese to English...hm, I won't have time for that either. Sadly.