LIES!

[Starts with the guys chillin' at Loco's ghetto house. Bryan and Andrew are going through Andrew's pokemon cards, Bryan occasionally pocketing one when Andrew isn't looking. James is applying toe-nail polish, and Loco is listening to an old portable radio.]

LOCO: Who the hell is Dick Tracy?

BRYAN: Some old radio show.

LOCO: Oh... (looks at radio in disgust and then switches to a rap station)

JAMES: Ugh. You know how much I hate rap.

[Loco kicks up the volume.]

ANDREW: Dude, I'm bored.

JAMES: Wanna make out?

ANDREW: James, I've told you over and over, I'm not gay. Stop hitting on me.

JAMES: Sorry...

ANDREW: I'm serious. I will break your arms.

JAMES: Okay.

LOCO: Actually, that's not a bad idea.

JAMES: Oh, don't you start.

LOCO: No, I used to do this back in... my... home country. I pretended to break my arm, and then everybody waited on me hand and foot.

JAMES: Oh, please, that's amateur hour. I pulled off a fake pregnancy for two months back in Canada. Ha... HEY.

ANDREW: What?

JAMES: Wait a minute, that isn't a bad idea...

ANDREW: What isn't?

JAMES: Hear me out. We do both. I get pregnant, Andrew breaks his arms. Loco does... something... But wait? Who's gonna take care of us? My parents back in Canada? Loco's parents back in Me... wherever? Andrew's trashy mom? NO. Our girlfriends.

LOCO: What are you saying, we fake injuries so our girlfriends will do stuff for us?

JAMES: Why not? What have we got to lose?

LOCO: I want in on this. I call broken arms.

JAMES: Pregnancy!

ANDREW: What can I do?

JAMES: You can be gay.

ANDREW: I'm gonna hit you.

JAMES: No, I'm serious. Then Sarah will try and turn you straight and act all sexy with you.

ANDREW: No, she wouldn't.

JAMES: You're right... and it wouldn't work for me either, I actually AM gay, and Kaity's fine with it... that leaves you.

LOCO: HELL NO.

BRYAN: Shortz would actually do it. She hates gays.

JAMES: She'll try to seduce you. And when that doesn't work, she'll try harder.

LOCO: I call gay!

JAMES: Pregnancy.

BRYAN: Gillz.

ANDREW: Arms... wait, Bryan, what did you say?

BRYAN: Um... nothing?

-

[The guys are all ready to pull of their hoaxes. James is sporting a fake baby bump, looking about three months pregnant. Andrew has legitimate-looking casts on both arms. Loco is wearing a pink bandana, and also a large pride ribbon he got from James]

LOCO: Well?

BRYAN: You look fabulous.

LOCO: Shut up. I look like one of my bitches. I feel like I want to c*ck-slap myself.

JAMES: I would really like to see that...

BRYAN: Okay, so, is everybody clear on the rules? You put twenty dollars into the pot, plus ten dollars every day that you pull off your hoax. Last person standing wins everything. You can't tell your respective girlfriend that you're faking it. Which means, Loco, you can't have sex with Shortz until the other two get caught.

LOCO: Kid stuff. I got this.

BRYAN: And... go.

[Later, all the girls are hanging out. The guys are rounding a corner toward the house.]

JAMES: We should probably go in one-at-a-time. It'll look less suspicious that way.

[Andrew walks ahead of the guys and approaches the door. He tries to knock, but, realizing he can't, he kicks the door a few times. Shortz answers, and when she sees him, bursts into a torrent of giggles.]

SHORTZ: Sarah! You have to see this!

[Sarah walks up and sees this.]

SARAH: What the hell did you to yourself?

ANDREW: [The cover story*:] We were playing Twister.

*The cover story: During the game of Twister, Andrew broke both his arms, and, collapsed, accidentally falling on James, causing him to reveal his baby bump, which he had previously strapped down. Also, during the game, Loco, rubbing up against the guys, realized he was gay. Note that none of this is actually true.

SARAH: You're... dumb.

ANDREW: But that's why you love me, right?

SARAH: Um...

[Loco skips in.]

SHORTZ: What in God's name are you wearing?

LOCO: Shortz, we need to have a talk.

SHORTZ: You're damn right we do. I thought we agreed that we would never wear pink.

LOCO: Shortz, I think I'm gay.

SHORTZ: WHAT DID JAMES DO TO YOU? I'LL F*CKING KILL HIM.

LOCO: It's not James, Shortz. It's... it's you. You're... you're not seductive.

SHORTZ: I'm not seductive enough? I'll show you "not seductive"!

[Shortz storms away.]

LOCO: Oh, sh*t...

-

[Later, Andrew is lying in bed. He rings a small bell beside him. Sarah takes her time in walking in.]

SARAH: Yeah?

ANDREW: [holds up drink] Could I get a refill?

SARAH: Okay.

[Sarah departs, not happy to do it, but willing. She returns with a full drink. Andrew takes it and smiles sweetly. Sarah leaves. A moment later, he rings her again.]

ANDREW: There's not enough ice.

[Sarah slams the door on him.]

ANDREW: I love you...

[James walks into Kaity's room. She looks up from her magazine and at his obviously fake stomach.]

KAITY: [sarcastically] Is it mine?

JAMES: I'm trying to win a bet.

KAITY: How much?

JAMES: If the other two last, it should be almost a hundred by tomorrow.

KAITY: So Loco's not really gay?

JAMES: I can only dream...

KAITY: What are you gonna do with the money?

JAMES: I'm gonna buy you something pretty.

KAITY: [kisses James] We need to make sure that the other two don't get caught...

JAMES: [lightbulb] You're right! I think Loco and Shortz are a sound investment, they haven't spoken all day.

KAITY: What about Andrew?

JAMES: He's hot.

KAITY: No, I mean, does Sarah buy it?

JAMES: As far as I can tell.

KAITY: Then we'll play it buy ear. But I want diamonds.

JAMES: I've already told you, Kaity, I'll give you everything.

[James starts dancing with her, and she laughs.]

JAMES: Hey, watch the bump...

-

-

SARAH: Oh, my God! Andrew is so annoying! "Sarah, change the channel for me. Sarah, make me grilled cheese. Sarah, come sit next to me and don't say anything so I can absorb your presence without actually looking at you or interacting with you because I read somewhere that this is a really healthy way for couples to be intimate while not actually occupied with one another." GOD!

SHORTZ: Loco's gay...

KAITY: Maybe he's bi.

SHORTZ: If he was bi, I wouldn't want to have anything to do with him. Maybe I should talk to him...

KAITY: NO!

[The girls all turn to Kaity.]

KAITY: You should... probably let things play out.

GILLZ: You should dress like a slut and try to get him into bed. I know Loco, and Loco's not gay.

SHORTZ: But I can't be seductive enough... I need slut lessons... Kaity...

KAITY: No, I don't think (lightbulb) YES. I will coach you in the ways of seduction.

-

KAITY: Lesson one. Don't shower. Guys like it, it's... it's rugged for them.\

SHORTZ: That doesn't sound right.

KAITY: Okay, I can see this was a waste of time.

SHORTZ: Yeah, it was.

KAITY: Oh, that didn't work. Okay, lesson two. Minimalism. Guys don't want a big flashy striptease. They want small stuff.

SHORTZ: Like only showing one of your titties?

KAITY: No, like... um... leaning back and forth.

SHORTZ: Leaning back and forth?

KAITY: It reminds them of sex. Guys are stupid.

SHORTZ: So I should go up to Loco and lean back and forth?

KAITY: Yes.

SHORTZ: (Pauses) How much did James promise you?

KAITY: Two-thirds.

SHORTZ: I want in. We'll split it three ways.

KAITY: ... I'll have to clear it with James.

SHORTZ: Forget James. It's just you and me, Kaity.

KAITY: You're right... God, I like being evil again.

SHORTZ: Welcome back, kid.

-

[Later, Andrew is in bed. Loco walks in.]

LOCO: Dude, I'm dying here. I can't go another day without Shortz...

ANDREW: How do you think I feel? Sarah won't even talk to me anymore. What about James and Kaity?

LOCO: Lovey-dovey. It makes me sick.

ANDREW: And I have an itch...

LOCO: I'm not scratching it for you.

ANDREW: Please... it tried, but i just ended up chaffing...

LOCO: Wait, you want me to scratch an itch on your...

ANDREW: It's driving me crazy.

LOCO: NO WAY! Lest you forget, I'm not actually gay.

ANDREW: I... I can't do this anymore. It's not worth it.

LOCO: Wait, are you quitting? No, don't quit! We can't let James win.

ANDREW: Loco... if you really don't want James to win, I need you to scratch my balls for me...

LOCO: ... (dramatic pause, music builds) F*ck this, I'm quitting.

[The girls are chilling with James and Kaity, minus Sarah]

LOCA: So, James... you're looking a little hefty there...

JAMES: I'm pregnant.

[Loco walks up. He rips off the ribbon and the pink bandana.]

LOCO: I'm straight.

JAMES: [mouths] You're out.

[Loco picks up Shortz and carries her away]

GILLZ: Where are you going?

LOCO: To have sex.

KAITY: So I guess he's out of the bet.

GILLZ: What bet?

JAMES: Kaity!

LOCA: They have a bet going about who can fool their girlfriend the longest.

JAMES: How do you know that?

LOCA: Shortz promised me Kaity's share.

JAMES: What?

KAITY: Um... what is that?

[Kaity bolts.]

[Later, the party arrives at the spot where they hid the pot. They open it. The sixty dollars is gone.]

[Meanwhile, on a beach somewhere, Andrew and Sarah are sitting in bathing suits in deck chairs. Andrew's fake cast arms are on the ground.]

ANDREW: I told you it would work.

SARAH: A toast... to us.

[the both pick up the fake casts, place a drink in each one and toast with them.]

THE END, BITCHES...