Bah. I must have rewritten this chapter like three times, and I'm still not happy with it. Ah well...
Disclaimer: Hetalia's not mine.
Russia mentally cursed—and Russian was quite good for venting one's frustration with swearing—when he heard the rapidly approaching footsteps. More than one, definitely. Who it was, he had no idea, for the only thing he could really see at the moment was America's ass.
"A-America!" gasped the confused voice that sounded like a quieter version of the nation in question. Canada. This was all his fault, Russia wouldn't be forgetting him again any time soon. "Um... let's save him!"
"Which one?" said a perplexed British voice.
"America, of course!"
"He has apprehended Russie," said a French voice, sounding a little unsure.
"Put me down," Russia hissed, but he went ignored.
"Hey, guys!" America said, all cheerful and innocent. "What's up?"
"Put me down!"
"What's... what's going on?" Canada said. The voices were drawing ever closer. Russia squirmed.
America gave a nervous laugh. "Um... you guys aren't supposed to be here! Go away."
Russia was in a perfect position to spank the idiot. Too bad they had witnesses.
"We aren't going anywhere!" England said, much too close for Russia's comfort. "Tell us what the hell is going on. We came here to rescue someone."
"What? Rescue? What are you talking about?"
America finally set Russia down, and Russia promptly moved behind the other nation. Not because he was hiding from the others, he—oh hell, he wasn't the one who had to be the big brave hero all the time. He was hiding from them. Four of them stood there, gaping at America in utter bafflement, and Russia felt a brief flicker of solidarity. Welcome to my world.
England ran a hand down his face. "If one of you doesn't tell us what the hell you two are doing here in the next five seconds..."
Russia thought desperately for an excuse that wouldn't incriminate both of them. Thought quickly, before America had a chance to speak and screw everything up even more-
"Well," America drawled, "what do you think we'd be doing here secretly in late June?"
The other nations, managing to look even more confused, exchanged a look.
"I... I don't know, America-san," Japan said.
America heaved a dramatic sigh. "Planning a surprise birthday party, duh!"
England blinked. "Planning... a surprise birthday party... For whom, pray tell? France? Surely not yourself..."
Canada paused in his bafflement at his brother to level a glare at England. "Mine comes first!"
America nodded. "For Canada. Everyone's always forgetting his birthday, so we've been planning a big one!"
Russia forced himself to smile along, even as he mentally strangled America. Who would believe something like that? It had to be the dumbest...
Canada... Canada was smiling. And there were tears in his eyes.
Oh dear lord, there were two of them.
"Wait, wait, wait." England folded his arms. "Why come here to plan it, hm?"
"So you'd be less likely to walk in on the plans," America said. "I guess that didn't work..."
France scratched his head. "So... why were you carrying Russia off just now?"
Russia again tried to think of a believable excuse. And again, nothing came to mind before America spoke up.
"We were going to have sex."
The other nations' jaws dropped. Except France's, he just chuckled.
"What?" America said. "We have to take a break in the planning sometimes."
"So..." England said weakly. "So... when Prussia says he saw Russia carrying you off after the meeting..."
Russia's eyes narrowed. So it wasn't Canada's fault. Prussia... they would have words later...
"Same thing!" America said cheerfully. "It was going to be a long ride to the airport before an even longer flight, so we were gonna enjoy the ride. Car sex! It's fantastic."
"You don't have to tell me," France said with a grin. Well... at least they seemed to be sort of buying it? And now they were free to... be together, so that was good.
"What about the room?" Japan said, and the other three immediately snapped back into seriousness.
"Yes, do explain that," England said. "The little room with all the locks and the America-like setup inside."
Canada nodded. "It looked like somewhere one would keep you captive!"
"Captive?" America gasped, and Russia mentally smacked his forehead. Sometimes he could be a good actor. Sometimes, not so much. "Where did you get that idea? That's just my room! I mean, we can't be boinking 24/7, sometimes I need my space."
"It locks from the outside!"
"It's always been that way! I do believe the room style dates from his commie days, he had issues then."
Russia scowled. Oh, come on...
"So..." Canada's smile returned. "You're really going to all this work to plan a party for me?"
"Sounds fishy," Russia heard England mutter to France. Japan looked doubtful as well. It seemed only Canada really believed that story.
"Of course, bro! So forget all about this conversation, okay?"
"You bet!" And Canada actually started dragging the other three away. The one Russia had been mad at before had become his savior, eager to leave so they could get back to their plans.
Russia mentally cursed some more. Now they had to come up with an elaborate birthday party!
"Wha-" Russia was once again cut off by America's mouth on his own, and he decided he wasn't really going to complain. The dumbest lie in history had worked, and they were once again alone, to resume what had been interrupted. And now it was known that he and America were lovers (well, not really, not yet) so they could do whatever they wanted.
Russia placed his hands on America's waist to draw him closer, kissing deeply, more tenderly than last time. He hadn't realized how much their close call had scared him, the thought of America being taken away and kept from him forever... Working on autopilot, his hands gripped the fabric there, untucking America's shirt from his pants, pulling it upward. America relinquished his lips, raising his arms to allow Russia to pull the shirt free and toss it aside. America returned the favor, and soon they were both stripped to the waist, golden tan skin pressed against pale white, and they were attacking each other's lips again, hands feeling up as much skin as possible.
But they had to pause for air eventually. "That was a horrible excuse you came up with," Russia panted, smiling at his soon-to-be-lover.
"Hey, I had to think quick!" America smirked. "I didn't hear you coming up with anything better."
"Now we have to plan a party!"
"Ah, that's okay. Canada should get a nice birthday once in a while, don't you think?"
"At least now they know you're here... And we don't have to worry about your family and their ridiculous accusations of kidnapping."
America laughed. "Dude. You did try to kidnap me."
"That's beside the point."
"Uh... guys..." Canada's voice emerged from the kitchen. "We're still here..."
Russia's entire body went rigid. They had gone into the kitchen? He could have sworn they had actually left... He stared down at America, whose horrified expression mirrored his.
"Oh..." Russia said. "Oh, fuck."