Chapter 1 - The Results of Science

"Joker!" a frantic voice called out to me.

"What, what!" I yelled, my eyes flashing open and alert. I swiveled around to find a rather excited Mordin Solus before me. "Eh, I-I mean...what's up?" I asked more seriously. Mordin seemed to be examining me, but I hadn't a clue why.

"Drool all over your face. Sleeping on the job, Joker? How irresponsible." Mordin laughed.

"Was not!" I said quickly, wiping the drool off my face with a less than amused glare.

"So childish. But did not come here to argue about work ethics."

"Then what did you come here for?"

A sly smile spread across Mordin's thin face that was practically radiating with 'BAD IDEA' vibes. It was true that Mordin and I didn't interact much as I was always in the cockpit and he was always in the lab, but I knew that smile. The commander had warned me about that smile. Mordin's smiles were the only indicator of his accomplishments, and our insanity. How many strange things had he invented? How many experiments had gone horribly wrong? How many times had the entire crew been forced to take a chemical bath? (Okay so that only happened once, but I mean, come on!)

Mordin finally turned and motioned to a figure down the hall from the cockpit. Had we gotten a new recruit? No, no. If we had Shepard would be introducing them. So then, who was this mysterious person I saw walking towards me?

I shot a confused glance at Mordin who was too busy staring at the incoming stranger to notice me. Squinting my eyes and leaning forward, I was able to see this person was most definitely a woman. She walked stiffly but purposefully, and as she finally came into view I was able to properly label her as a D, no doubt about it. Those were some serious love puppies.

She stopped abruptly at Mordin's side, starring down at me with ice cold blue eyes that sparkled even in the dimly lit cockpit. Her face was void of emotion, but held a faint look of curiosity.

"Meet your new crew member, Joker." the scientist said happily. It sounded like he was about to break out in song or something.

I cautiously switched my bewildered gaze from Mordin to the beauty standing beside him. She held her hand out to me, though regardless of the kind gesture, her expression stayed completely blank. I shook it politely, but my confusion was practically unbearable.

"Good day, Mr. Moreau." she said in an all too familiar voice.

"Wai-what?" I asked, realization flooding my eyes. "Mordin didn't." I looked to him with disbelief fueling every fiber of my being, but he just stood there with that goofy grin on his funny little face.

"After seeing your improved cooperation with EDI I decided to take her development one step further." he explained even quicker than usual. "EDI is artificial intelligence, intelligence requires a vessel. Normandy much too bulky for EDI." he paused, sending a mischievous glance my way. "The rumors the crew spread helped me."

"Helped you what?" I asked, completely exasperated.

"Helped me decide to give EDI a body. And inadvertently, to make that body human." Mordin snickered, my eyes wide with a mix of rage and embarrassment.

"So you're saying that-" I cut myself off as EDI caught my eyes. "Cover your ears EDI." I ordered, and she quietly obliged. "So you're saying that list of turn-ons I sent you was for HER?"

"Correct." Mordin nodded without the slightest hint of guilt.

"You told me that was for a study on human courtship!" I growled.

"Never asked if I was lying." was his answer. I sighed heavily and rubbed the bridge of my nose. "What the fuck?"

I lifted my head reluctantly and found myself staring at the smoking hot piece of- NO. She was my ship! She was my ship and I refused to think of her that way, no matter how supple her ass was. This was just a machine before me, not a human, not something to get all hot n' bothered about.

"EDI." I said in a low tone, noticing she had yet to put her hands down.

"Yes, Jeff?" she asked, her hands seeming to have been there for no reason at all. My face went limp with stress. I would have asked why she put her hands over her ears if she could still hear me, but I already knew the answer.

"Nope, no. I don't care." I said throwing my hands in the air.

"Is something wrong, Jeff?"

I rolled my eyes and refrained from jumping the measly foot or so from my leather chair to my death. "YES. Something is very wrong. And would you put your hands down already?"

EDI blinked as if she were processing the information, and finally put her hands back at her sides. "Please elaborate, Jeff."

Mordin chuckled heartily and waved EDI's question away. "Joker is simply overwhelmed by the sudden change in your appearance. Needs time to adjust."

"EDI, please leave the cockpit." I said through gritted teeth, glaring daggers up at the insane salarian.

"Are you certain?" the synthesized voice almost sounded worried. Geez, her giant boobs were getting to my brain. I was seriously starting to think she was a real human being.

"Yes, I'm certain. Go talk to the Commander. I'm sure she'll just love this." I sighed sarcastically. EDI nodded and left, the clack of her heals echoing down the Normandy's hall.

"Alright, its time for a heart to heart, Solus." I said angrily once EDI was gone. Mordin was obviously not one bit threatened by me and my brittle bones, but I had to try, right?

"Where the hell do you get off making EDI a human body? With D cups!"

"The body is not human. Just appears that way."

"WHATEVER!" I snapped. "Look, this is not good! I can't work with...with...with that!" I yelled, gesturing in the direction in which EDI had taken her leave.

"Perhaps not. But this body could be useful for other activities." Mordin's smile had yet to leave his face, and all I could imagine was ripping it right off and feeding it to the commander's space hamster.

"Are you shitting me?" this only made the scientist laugh more. He was like a frickin giddy little school girl. "You can't seriously be implying that EDI and I are together?"

"I never said anything of the sort, Joker." Mordin's round-about answers were really starting to piss me off.

"Dammit Mordin, be straight with me." I growled. Mordin gained some seriousness from this, but it still wasn't enough to get rid of that damn smile. It was like a horrible blood stain on your favorite white shirt.

"Fine. I will be serious. But what is the problem? Joker likes EDI. This new body allows for affections to be expressed more...effectively."

"I do NOT like EDI." I stated firmly, cause I didn't. I didn't like her. Er, that is, I didn't like it. "Besides, EDI and her fun bags are going to be a huge fucking distraction!"

"Ah, yes. Human sex drive powerful."

I simply stared at the maniac looking down at me, the anger slowly draining from my face. I had no energy left. Who knew Mordin was such a hard guy to argue with?

"Sooo, you're not planning on shutting that...thing down, are you?"

"No. Must test new module to see how it effects interactions between EDI and other humans. Could be a huge discovery!" the doc looked like a kid in a candy store, trying to decide which kind of test to run and what kind of data to collect first. I was just about ready to say screw it and return to my duties, but something occurred to me.

"One last question." I said in a hushed tone. "You gave her a set of fun bags, but what about...?" my sentence trailed off, hoping Mordin could fill in the blanks. By the gleam in his eyes I could tell he knew exactly what I meant, but he wasn't talking.

"What about what, Joker? Be specific."

"Ah, shit!" I groaned, pulling Mordin down to my level. "...Did you give her a vagina?" I whispered just as a hand latched itself onto Mordin's shoulder. My face went pale as Commander Shepard approached me.

"Now what's this about vagina?" she asked crudely, her expression incredibly unamused.

Author's Notes -

Ah, Joker, how do you get yourself into these things? I mean, you can't even really walk. Hah, anyways.

I had so much fun writing this, and there are so many places I can take it. Joker and EDI aren't a huge thing in the game, I know, but I wish they were. And I'm praying that they really do give EDI a human-esque body-type-thing in the third game. That would be beyond awesome.

There are lots more chapters to come, but I have no idea how many. (and I won't be updating this on any kind of schedule.) So keep reading, alert, fav, and REVIEW.

K thanks. ;D