Act ONE, Scene SIX - Clutch Me.
MELCHIOR is sitting in his room, writing in his pink fluffy diary.
MELCHIOR: Shame. (pauses) Uhm, it sucks. Why should we feel shame… when… oh fuck this. I WANT SEX, IS THAT SUCH A HORRIBLE THING?
FRAU GABOR walks in just as Melchior says that last sentence. She tries not to have a nervous breadown.
FRAU GABOR: Uhm…Moritz Stiefel is… here.
She backs out of the room very slowly, forgetting that Moritz is behind her. She knocks into him.
MORITZ: AHH! WOMAN GERMS! Am I pregnant? WILL I GET COOTIES?
MELCHIOR(smiling psychotically): Come in Moritz you rediculously adorable idiot.
MORITZ: Your vocabularlyly-ly makes me uncomfortable.
MELCHIOR: I get that a lot.
There's an awkward silence.
MORITZ: Melchi…I need you to tell me about sex.
MELCHIOR: You've come to the right man.
MORITZ: I figured…
MELCHIOR: So, what exactly do you want to know?
MORITZ: …what is it's purpose in modern society?
MELCHIOR: I'd hardly call this modern, John.
MORITZ: Stay in character Jon.
MELCHIOR: Well, as if Moritz would say that.
MORITZ: Well, as if Melchior would be gay, that's just you Jonathan.
MELCHIOR: Melchior is so gay.
Somewhere, far far away in the land of backstage, Michael Mayer is facepalming.
FRAU GABOR enters, trying to bring the play back on track.
FRAU GABOR: Hello boys. I have tea.
MELCHIOR: Germans drink tea?
FRAU GABOR(grits her teeth): They do, Jonathan.
MORITZ: Weird herbal tea…
MELCHIOR: We don't need no herbs Mama, I gots weed. I was about to offer Jo-Moritz a smoke.
From backstage, you can hear Michael Mayer crying.
FRAU GABOR: SO, what are you reading?
MELCHIOR: The Big Collection of Short Erotic Novels.
FRAU GABOR: I had that one coming, didn't I?
MELCHIOR: No really, look.
FRAU GABOR: This wasn't in the script.
MELCHIOR: No, we lost the other prop so Johnny B Wright provided one.
FRAU GABOR: He was quite obviously typecast…
MORITZ(glares): Weren't we all?
FRAU GABOR: Apart from me. I don't have multiple personalities.
MELCHIOR: Mama, please leave, I was about to teach Moritz about sex.
FRAU GABOR: John knows all about sex I should think.
MORITZ: What is that supposed to mean?
FRAU GABOR(glances down at him): Uhm. You're a grown man.
FRAU GABOR exits.
MORITZ: She was joking.
MELCHIOR: It's okay Moritz. You can have sex with my Mama.
MORITZ: I want to…
MELCHIOR: I WAS BEING SARCASTIC.
MORITZ: So was I.
Silence. The audience feels extremely awkward.
MELCHIOR: SO, lets talk about sex!
MELCHIOR: I think I will improvise a song based on my personal experience with sexual intercourse that I have in my head to explain everything to you.
MORITZ: Come again?
MELCHIOR: Don't be greedy now.
MELCHIOR grins and takes out his magic microphone from his pants.
MORITZ: Oh thank god that's what you had down there.
MELCHIOR: That's what you think, John…
MORITZ: STOP! NOOOOO!
MELCHIOR: Come on Moritz. It's the only way you'll learn. Clutch me.
MORITZ: Oh no you don't.
MORITZ runs away, checking his gun is still in his pocket.
MELCHIOR(looks down sadly at his trousers): My little friend hasn't had a clutch in a very long time… Hey I have an idea…