Act ONE, Scene SIX - Clutch Me.

MELCHIOR is sitting in his room, writing in his pink fluffy diary.

MELCHIOR: Shame. (pauses) Uhm, it sucks. Why should we feel shame… when… oh fuck this. I WANT SEX, IS THAT SUCH A HORRIBLE THING?

FRAU GABOR walks in just as Melchior says that last sentence. She tries not to have a nervous breadown.

FRAU GABOR: Uhm…Moritz Stiefel is… here.

She backs out of the room very slowly, forgetting that Moritz is behind her. She knocks into him.


MELCHIOR(smiling psychotically): Come in Moritz you rediculously adorable idiot.

MORITZ: Your vocabularlyly-ly makes me uncomfortable.

MELCHIOR: I get that a lot.

There's an awkward silence.

MORITZ: Melchi…I need you to tell me about sex.

MELCHIOR: You've come to the right man.

MORITZ: I figured…

MELCHIOR: So, what exactly do you want to know?

MORITZ: …what is it's purpose in modern society?

MELCHIOR: I'd hardly call this modern, John.

MORITZ: Stay in character Jon.

MELCHIOR: Well, as if Moritz would say that.

MORITZ: Well, as if Melchior would be gay, that's just you Jonathan.

MELCHIOR: Melchior is so gay.

Somewhere, far far away in the land of backstage, Michael Mayer is facepalming.

FRAU GABOR enters, trying to bring the play back on track.

FRAU GABOR: Hello boys. I have tea.

MELCHIOR: Germans drink tea?

FRAU GABOR(grits her teeth): They do, Jonathan.

MORITZ: Weird herbal tea…

MELCHIOR: We don't need no herbs Mama, I gots weed. I was about to offer Jo-Moritz a smoke.

From backstage, you can hear Michael Mayer crying.

FRAU GABOR: SO, what are you reading?

MELCHIOR: The Big Collection of Short Erotic Novels.

FRAU GABOR: I had that one coming, didn't I?

MELCHIOR: No really, look.

FRAU GABOR: This wasn't in the script.

MELCHIOR: No, we lost the other prop so Johnny B Wright provided one.

FRAU GABOR: He was quite obviously typecast…

MORITZ(glares): Weren't we all?

FRAU GABOR: Apart from me. I don't have multiple personalities.

MELCHIOR: Mama, please leave, I was about to teach Moritz about sex.

FRAU GABOR: John knows all about sex I should think.

MORITZ: What is that supposed to mean?

FRAU GABOR(glances down at him): Uhm. You're a grown man.

MELCHIOR: *snorts*


MORITZ: She was joking.

MELCHIOR: It's okay Moritz. You can have sex with my Mama.

MORITZ: I want to…


MORITZ: So was I.

Silence. The audience feels extremely awkward.

MELCHIOR: SO, lets talk about sex!

MORITZ: Uh-huh.

MELCHIOR: I think I will improvise a song based on my personal experience with sexual intercourse that I have in my head to explain everything to you.

MORITZ: Come again?

MELCHIOR: Don't be greedy now.

MELCHIOR grins and takes out his magic microphone from his pants.

MORITZ: Oh thank god that's what you had down there.

MELCHIOR: That's what you think, John…



MELCHIOR: Come on Moritz. It's the only way you'll learn. Clutch me.

MORITZ: Oh no you don't.

MORITZ runs away, checking his gun is still in his pocket.

MELCHIOR(looks down sadly at his trousers): My little friend hasn't had a clutch in a very long time… Hey I have an idea…