AN: Major Trigger warning! It gets a bit graphic. Not for those who cut, or those who can't stomach reading about cutting. Sorry guess but Lorianna's a harmer.
Chapter 3: What's Left?
When Alice had left to console Jasper Edward came into the room. He was still angry. "Are you okay Allie?" He questioned.
"Yes, I was lucky." I replied keeping my head bowed.
"Let's get you home." He grabbed up the presents and carried them to the car. I followed behind him like a pet. I got into the car quickly. He was silent the entire drive there. He ran into the house to dump the presents then he was back by my side. I flinched at how close he was. He grabbed my arm growling and yanked me to the edge of the woods. It was so dark. The rain was pounding down on us.
"I can't believe you Allie. How could you be so stupid!" He spat at me.
"I'm sorry Edward. I didn't mean to. I was just trying to open the present." I responded. He went to hit me, but I flinched back and he stopped himself.
"No Allie, you should have been more careful. You almost died tonight!" He hissed. I ran to his side and wrapped him in a hug.
"I'm sorry Edward. I didn't mean to." He pet my hair as if I was the one who deserved consoling.
"I can forgive you for it Allie." I relaxed slightly.
"But what I can't forgive is you not seeing this happen. If you'd actually used your power this all could have been avoided." He snarled shoving me away from him. I was shaking terrified. He was right. This was my fault.
"I'm sorry." I whispered. He had me pinned against a tree half a second later.
"Sorry doesn't cut it." He growled. His eyes were pitch black with his rage.
"I didn't see anything. My power doesn't work all of the time. I didn't know." I whimpered.
"It doesn't change the fact you are once again the cause of discord in my family." He said backing away from me.
"I'm sorry." I cried. The tears fell fast. There was a resounding smack before the pain registered. I cried out shocked and cradled my face. He'd slapped me. There wouldn't be a bruise. He normally didn't hit me hard enough for that, but I hadn't been expecting it.
"I already told you sorry doesn't change what you did, and stop crying. You look pathetic." He ordered. I forced myself to stop the tears. I wiped my eyes and bowed my head respectfully. "That's better. Good girl Allie." I glowed at the praise. I was doing well! I kept the smile from my face knowing he wasn't done. I could sense the 'but'.
"But I'm done." Shock and disbelief filled me.
"What do you mean?"
"Allie, how dumb are you?" He interrogated. My stomach dropped.
"I don't understand." I said stubbornly.
"My family and I are leaving," he informed me.
"Can I have a day to get my things together and to think of something to tell Sue?" I questioned.
"You aren't coming with me." He said.
"You don't want me?" I inquired brokenly.
"Why the hell would I want you? You're pathetic and weak. You cause trouble and you never do as you're told."
"I'll listen better I swear. If you changed me it might make everything easier. Please Edward, don't leave me." I begged. I felt the tears threatening to fall, but I didn't let them. He would just get angrier and I could lose him forever.
"No you won't Allie. You being immortal would make it worse. I hate you! You'll never be the one I want. You're a fat, ugly bitch." He sneered. I shook my head in denial. He yanked my head up by my hair. I grabbed at his hands trying to get him to release his grip, but it was no use. I was weaker than him.
"Let me go!" I yelled. He didn't listen. A fiery look came into his eyes. He dropped me. I hit the ground hard. I jumped back up looking at him.
"You need to believe it. I'm never coming back Allie, good bye." He turned and ran into the woods.
"Edward!" I screamed after him. I wouldn't be able to find him if I followed. Then it hit. They were all leaving, even my sister. I couldn't believe after being reunited my sister was leaving me! We were family! I'd fought so hard for her, and now she was throwing me away. I didn't let the tears fall yet I had to make it back to the house. I made my way inside and up to my room. All of the presents were there in the room. I shoved them into a corner and sat on my bed. I wasn't numb. I was fighting a battle against my emotions and losing.
Then the final barricade against the emotions was worn away and the tears started flowing. I was forming a river. It wasn't long before my shirt was soaked through. I'd ruined it! After everything I'd done to get Edward to stay with me he was gone. I was completely alone. After hours the tears stopped. I was soaked as was my bed. I was becoming numb, indifferent. I knew what could change it. I knew how I could make it all go away, but I couldn't go back there. I'd fought so hard to get to where I was. I didn't want to go back to square one. Nothing big: you don't have to go deep. Just a little. I'm fine. Then say his name. Edward.
The hole ripped wider in my chest. I felt like I was being torn apart. I gasped in agony. He'd left me. He was gone! I didn't have to be good anymore. I could be me. It didn't matter if I fell back to square one. I had to end this pain. I had to fix it! I needed to fix it. I raked my nails across my skin and formed angry red lines. It was enough for me to be able to move once more.
I searched my room and found a staple. I was never one for deep cuts. They were too messy and took too long to heal. I preferred quantity. I sat down and kicked off my jeans. I caressed my upper right thigh happily, so much room to remark; so much history to rewrite. I got to work quickly. I raked the straightened staple across my skin smiling as my blood appeared. I kept going. Twenty cuts before I stopped. I'd struggled to stay good for two years and back I fell. That was sad.
I grabbed the antiseptic that stung because I deserved it. If I was going to be dumb and cut then I could deal with the after pain. I'd taken biology. I knew what was happening. My brain had released endorphins, a pleasure compound, and I was basically high right now. That sentence had really made me sound smart.
I started humming to myself. Right now nothing could bother me. I wasn't going to think about them, him, or my sister. My hole ripped open and I gasped. It shut again quickly. I was shocked. Nothing had ever broken through the high, ever. FML. I really couldn't win. I had to find a way to deal with this, but right now it was late. I needed to get some sleep. I laid down, and after an hour I finally passed out.
Edward was with me and we were in our meadow. I sighed contentedly as he held me in his arms. "I love you." He said.
"I love you to."
"Not you." He said standing. He looked down at me with disgust in his eyes. "I don't want a pathetic human." He ran away and I tried to follow him this time. It didn't work. He was always just out of reach then he disappeared and I was left wandering the forest. I was alone. I sat down crying. Then I heard a twig snap. I looked up to see him there eyeing me hungrily. I tried to back away, but he lunged at me. I felt his skin break through my neck and I screamed.
I jerked upward in bed. My heart was beating erratically, and I was panting. I shook terrified. It'd seemed so real. I checked the time on my cellphone. I groaned. It was only three in the morning. I wasn't going to go back to sleep. I knew I would have a nightmare again. Staying conscious was horrible too. The pain had hit me the second I was conscious. I couldn't win. Either way I was in hell.
I made breakfast, but I didn't even think about eating anything other than an apple. He hadn't wanted me because I was fat. Maybe I was deluding myself into thinking he would come back if I dropped some weight. Sue came down and eyed me. "Morning," I muttered.
"What happened to your arm?"
"I tripped." I lied. I was so sick of lying! I wanted to be able to tell someone. I wanted to talk about it. There was no way that could happen, because not only was my coping method reason to hospitalize me but telling someone vampires are real would definitely lead to hospitalization in the psychiatric ward. And that would be very bad, because Sue worked at the hospital. Correction, it would be hell. I wasn't going to let that happen, so I had nothing to worry about.
"At the Cullens place," I winced. That was a painful. Oh well, pain seemed to have become my very best friend again.
"Yes, E- Edward," I forced his name out. "Edward was nice enough to let me enjoy the party at his place before he dumped me and told me they were all moving away. Wasn't that sweet of him?" I questioned sarcasm dripping from every word.
"Are you okay?" She questioned in a tone that said 'I knew it wouldn't last'.
"I'll be fine. I just need a little time." I lied. Thank god she slept like a rock, or I would have to worry about her hearing me scream every night. It probably would happen every night too. There was no way it would just go away. I'd loved him. I'd be lucky if I ever moved on.
I worked to get my life back to normal. I returned to work. Hell, I even worked over time. I went to La Push several times, but I couldn't keep going there. They would hate me once I turned. Actually I had to go today and tell them. Jake wanted me there. I had to pretend I was strong. I hoped they would let me keep going down there. I needed la Push it was the only place free of memories and I even got along with Emily. Everything was perfect. I didn't want to ruin it now, but they had a right to know.
I got in my truck and started driving. I yawned hugely. I was so tired all the time. I always had nightmares. I averaged at about four hours of sleep a night. I cut more than I should. I was still unable to stop. It was the only thing that kept the memories at bay and my mood in check at time.
When I arrived at Sam's house he stared at me curiously. I nodded to him and hunched my shoulders as if to ward off an attack. He frowned, but he didn't press me. It wasn't his fault. I just didn't trust men. It was nothing against him personally. "Jake asked me to come." I said looking down.
"Yes, he told me. So you know the legends?"
"Of course I know of the tribe's history. I don't have to live on tribe land to be part of it. Since my brother left someone has to stay in town."
"If you know then why did you date Edward?" I hissed as the pain hit. He looked at me strange.
"I dated him because I thought he loved me. I couldn't have been more wrong and not just for the reasons you're thinking." I said bitterly. The fault was wide and churning. I was going to be brought to my knees soon from it. It was too much.
"I'm sorry Lorianna. I'm just cautious." He explained.
"As leader of the pack you should be." I replied. He was shocked.
"How," he asked.
"Sam, you commend the respect of the entire tribe, and I've been around for a long time." I informed him.
"What?" Was that his favorite word?
"Sam I'm begging you not to attack me right now. My life sucks but I don't want to die." I said slowly before continuing. "I was a vampire, but I'm human again. I plan to be a vampire once more. I was always a vegetarian. I am part of the tribe as was Alice Cullen. We're just descendants of the first shifters." I explained. Sam was shocked.
"Stay off of tribe land. If I ever catch you here again I will kill you. I don't care what you claim. I can't trust you. I have to put the tribe first. Get out of here." He ordered.
"Sam please, my brother's here. I have friends and family here. Don't make me leave. This has been the place I come since they left. Please don't take that from me!" I begged. He glared at my coldly.
"Don't make me hurt you leech." I flinched as he advanced towards me. I backed away terrified.
"I'll leave. I'll leave." I said quickly. I backed out of the house to my truck. Once in it I sped away. I needed to get over the boundary line. He wanted to hurt me. Sam wanted to kill me. Nowhere was safe. When I got home I ran up to my room to find my box. I was freaking out and I needed to relax. I grabbed the staple from it knowing there would be many cuts made. I took my jeans off. My right thigh was full. I moved over to the left one. It was like a blank canvas awaiting the first brushstroke. Of course the artist that I was red was the only color I'd ever use and metal made a much better brush.
I hacked at it. The first time I tore through my soft skin was bliss. It was such a rush. I kept going. I needed the fear and pain to go away. I needed to cut the worthlessness from my skin. Blood welled from the cuts. I breathed the rusty scent in happily. I kept going. I didn't stop until I'd made more than forty cuts. Only then was I content with my handy work.
The emotional pain was far from my mind now. I smiled as I took care of the cuts. They would be fine. I never let them infected or anything. That would mean going to the hospital, and the doctor was never one to admire my artwork. Once they were done bleeding I put on a pair of jeans and made Sue dinner. It seemed Sue and Emma were the only ones on this coast I had left.
Coming down from the high was the worst thing that happened. It made reality come crashing down on me hard. It made my loss of family impossible to ignore. My feelings of worthlessness, pain, regret, guilt, abandonment, and fear were impossible to ignore. It didn't matter, because while I couldn't ignore it I could work around it. I never shoved the fear away though. I'd learned a long time ago fear would keep me safe. Fear would keep me alive, especially now that the tribe, my family, wanted me dead. Besides my compartmentalizing abilities were taking on a vampiric twist the older I got. The closer I got to when I'd once more be a vampire. So there was a lot of room in my head to shoved things i didn't want to focus on.
I looked around my room. It was one big reminder. He'd always been in here. The books were the worst and the few CDs he'd given me. I grabbed them all and ran out into the backyard. Thank god it wasn't raining. I ran inside and grabbed lighter. I came back out and stacked everything he'd ever given me. I grabbed my copy of Romeo and Juliet. I held it steady for the lighter. When it'd caught I threw it onto the pile. The entire thing caught quickly.
I watched as my memories burned along with the last year and a half of my life. I had a picture of him in my hand. I was reluctant to part with it. I loved him. But he didn't love me and I was going to let him go. I would force myself to move on with my life. I couldn't mourn my first love for eternity. I had to keep going, for my sisters and Sue. I could at the very least pretend for them.
I looked at the picture and committed it to memory then I threw it into the fire. "Fuck you Edward." The fault ripped wide, but I just laughed. I was seriously losing it by laughing at this, but the irony was just now hitting me. I was shocked it'd taken so long for it to sink in. I was a harmer, and a pain in my chest was supposed to discourage me? How fucking ironic was that? That's right I can swear again! I can dress how I wanted to. I couldn't get used to being free. And that's exactly what I was. Free of his hold on me. Free to be whatever I wanted to be. I would never give up my freedom again, ever. I was no longer pathetic Allie. I was Lorianna Allison Brandon, and I was pissed.