Disclaimer: I don't own The Hangover.
It was almost six o'clock in the morning when Doug, Phil, Stu, and Alan finally returned to the hotel. They were all laughing like crazy as they got off the elevator and stumbled down the hallway, making their way towards their hotel room. Stu had an arm wrapped clumsily around Doug's waist, attempting to keep the groom-to-be from collapsing, although it wasn't exactly working out too well. Phil shushed everyone as he reached into his pocket and took out the hotel card. Their obnoxious laughter gradually died down into suppressed snickering until it finally stopped altogether.
"Hurry up, Phil!" Stu shouted, struggling to hold Doug up as the shorter man slumped against his shoulder. He awkwardly slung an arm around Stu's shoulder, pulling him into a hug.
"I love you, man," he slurred against Stu's ear.
Stu grinned widely, showing off his new missing tooth that he'd successfully extracted hours earlier.
"Aww," he said, patting Doug's shoulder, "I love you, too."
Alan, who was leaning against the wall, stood up straight as he watched the two friends hugging.
"What about me?" he asked, feeling left out.
Doug looked up and blinked a few times, trying to clear the blurriness from his eyes. It didn't help much. He slowly broke out into a large smile.
"You!" he said, pointing in Alan's direction. "You are…you're…you're my…uh…you're my koala bear!"
Phil let out a snort, still trying to figure out how to swipe the card properly.
"What the fuck does that mean, Doug?" he asked, finally managing to successfully swipe the card through the slot. He quickly stuffed it back into his pocket and pushed the door open.
"Is it because I'm so cuddly?" Alan asked as he followed the three men into their dark hotel room. He slammed the door shut once they were all inside, causing Phil to jump in surprise.
"Holy shit!" he screamed, throwing a hand onto his chest to cover his now rapidly beating heart.
"What, what!" Alan shouted as he immediately brought his hands up in a kung-fu manner, his eyes searching around frantically through the darkness.
Phil stood perfectly still, waiting a few seconds for that loud noise again. When nothing happened, though, he allowed his hand to slip off his chest.
"It's okay," he assured everyone, taking a deep breath and exhaling it loudly. "It's okay. I thought we were under attack. We're fine now."
Alan's arms dropped back down to his sides.
"Well, don't worry, guys," he said, "if we are ever under attack, I'll just use my special ninja skills to defend us."
Stu raised an eyebrow as he stared at Alan, trying his best to make out his large figure in the dark room.
"So…" he said hesitantly, "you're a ninja?"
"Part time," Alan verified.
Phil clapped his hands together in excitement.
"No fucking way!" he shouted happily as he reached out and slapped his hand onto Alan's back. "Dude…that's so fucking cool, Alan! You gotta teach me some of your moves!"
"Oh, I will, my friend," Alan said in a low, confident voice, his hands now on his hips. "I will teach you the ways of the ninja."
Suddenly, there was a loud groaning noise that echoed throughout the room. It came from Doug, who was still hanging off of Stu's shoulder.
"You guys are SO FUCKING LOUD!" Doug screamed at the top of his lungs, finally letting go of Stu. "That…that fucking does it! I'm gonna go find a quiet place so I can go to fucking sleep!"
And with that, he took a few stumbling steps forward, crashing against the wall and nearly falling over as he groped for the doorknob. He steadied himself up before turning the knob and pulling the door open, staggering into the hallway and heading to God knows where. The other three men simply stood there, watching Doug as his figure grew smaller and smaller, until he rounded a corner and disappeared. They were silent for a few seconds longer before Phil let out a noise.
"Pssh," he said, flicking his wrist indifferently. "Whatever. Let him go."
Stu slowly walked over to the door and closed it.
"Hey, guys," Alan said in a new excited tone, "wanna know something cool?"
"What?" Stu asked, turning around to face them again.
Alan smiled, looking as though he were in his own little word. Which he pretty much was.
"If you make your hand into a fist like this," he said, holding up a fist to demonstrate, "and you touch that swinging thing in the back of your throat, you won't throw up!"
"What?" Phil asked in disbelief. "No way. That sounds like total bullshit."
"No, really, it works!" Alan said, trying his hardest to convince them. "I read about it on some kid's blog online. Apparently it stops your gag reflex from working or something."
"I'll be the judge of that," Stu said as he took a step forward for some kind of dramatic effect. "After all, I am a doctor."
"Dentist," Phil muttered under his breath.
Without any hesitation, Stu brought a hand up and tightened it into a fist. He then reached up with his other hand and opened his mouth as wide as he physically could. The other two men fell dead silent as they stared at him in awe, watching as he slowly moved his index finger into his mouth and slid it towards the back of his throat. His eyes suddenly shot wide open.
"OH MY GOD!" Stu screamed in a muffled voice. "I'M TOUCHING MY UVULA!"
Phil's mouth fell open.
"What the fuck?" he asked in utter shock.
"YEAH!" Stu exclaimed, nodding his head vigorously while he continued to stroke the back of his throat with his finger.
"Told you," Alan said smugly.
Phil looked from Alan to Stu, then back at Alan again.
"That's some pretty fucked up shit," he said matter-of-factly.
"But you gotta admit that it's pretty cool," he said.
Stu finally took his hand out of his mouth.
"It's very cool," he said, "and I don't care what you say, Phil. It's awesome. I'm sure my new wife will appreciate it."
"Oh, yeah, where is she anyway?" Phil asked. "Actually, you know what? It doesn't even matter, because she's way out of your league. I still don't get how you managed to bag such a hot chick like that. I mean, you totally don't deserve to be allowed to see those huge tits of hers all the time."
"Hey!" Stu shouted, pointing his finger at Phil. "Don't talk about my wife like that! The size of her tits are none of your business!"
"You're right," Phil said with a nod, "it's everybody's business. Because they're so huge. Like watermelons."
"Seedless?" Alan asked.
Phil gaped at him briefly, his eyebrows furrowed.
"Sure," he said unsurely.
"Nice," Alan said.
There was another brief pause of awkward silence before Stu yawned loudly.
"All right," he said, stretching his arms above his head, "I think it's time we all hit the hay."
Phil and Alan nodded in agreement, and slowly, the three men crawled into bed. Stu was lucky enough to have his bed all to himself, thanks to Doug randomly taking off to sleep somewhere else. The other two men, however, weren't as lucky, and they both had no choice but to share the queen-sized bed. Phil flopped down against the soft pillows, feeling too exhausted to complain about having to share a bed with another man. A hairy man. Well, it was only for one night, right? Only for a few hours. He began to close his eyes, allowing sleep to take over, when all of a sudden, he felt Alan shift closer to him, followed by a light nudge on his shoulder.
"Hey, Phil?" Alan whispered.
Phil groaned under his breath, forcing his eyes back open.
"What?" he whispered back.
Alan stared at him for a moment, which was quite creepy, to say the least.
"Do you mind if I take off my pants?" he eventually asked.
Phil immediately lifted his head off his pillow.
"What?" he asked in utter confusion. He wasn't sure if he heard him correctly.
"Is it cool if I take off my pants?" Alan asked again.
"…Why?" Phil asked.
"Well, it's just that, I tend to sleep better knowing that my pants are in a safe place next to my bed," Alan answered. "Kind of like a security blanket, you know?"
Phil stared at him, his eyes narrowed and his mouth slightly agape.
"Wouldn't your pants be in a safer place if you kept them on?" he asked.
"Look, I promise, you won't even notice they're off," Alan assured him, and before Phil could protest, he heard the sheets rustling about as Alan reached underneath them and started pulling his pants down. He wiggled them off his legs and grabbed them with one hand, tossing them onto the chair next to the bed.
"See? No big deal," Alan said casually.
Phil made a face of disgust, but he finally flopped back down onto the pillows.
"Whatever," he mumbled, too tired to argue anymore. He closed his eyes again, trying his best to ignore Stu's loud snoring and just drift off to sleep already. He was just about to, when he suddenly felt a large arm fling out across his chest and wrap around his body. His eyes shot open.
"What the fuck, Alan!" Phil shouted in the quietest voice he could muster.
Alan stared into Phil's piercing blue eyes, which were staring back at him wildly.
"Well, Doug did say I was a koala bear," he said. "So I thought maybe you'd wanna cuddle with me."
"I'm not gay, Alan!" Phil said in a much lower voice. "I have a fucking wife and kid!"
"They don't have to know about this," Alan said in a husky voice. "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, right?"
Phil continued starting at Alan with a 'you're such a complete retard' look on his face.
"Fine, whatever," he said at last, resting his head back onto the pillows. He allowed Alan to snuggle closer to him, and soon, the two men fell asleep.
Hours later, Phil slowly woke up, staring up at the ceiling in a daze. He reached up to rub his eyes before turning his head to see Alan lying next to him, his hair all disheveled, and his bare ass up in the air.
Author's Note: And then, the rest of the movie would begin. XD
Thanks for reading this! Hope you enjoyed it. Be sure to let me know, 'kay?