Warnings: Minor spoilers for ABHL through Lazarus Rising. Rated T for language.
Summary: Sam is alone, really alone, for the first time in his life. The only person he could ever count on is gone. Therapy would help but who has the time, money or commitment? So he does what he's always done, he talks to his brother in the only way he can.
A/N: I'm sure it's probably been done but the muse cannot be denied. She insists that these letters need to be written so I will add new days as time goes on. Reviews are like pistachios…one is never enough!
Wow…I just realized how stupid that sounds, "Dear Dean". It's not as if I'm off at camp or something sending home letters to the family. I wish our lives were as mundane as that. Damn…now that I'm sitting here, staring at this blank paper, I'm not really sure where to start…how to start. There was a time in my life when I thought that I had been through the worst pain I could ever suffer. Today proved me wrong.
It's not like I've never known loss. While I was away from you and Dad I practically built my world around Jessica. I really believed that someday we would get married, have kids, grow old together. I never told you but, in the bottom of my duffel, sewn into the material so it can't fall out and get lost, is the ring I bought to propose. I was planning on asking her the night I got my acceptance to Law School. Pipe dreams, I know. I should have listened to Dad, I know that now. The Winchester boys were never meant for that kind of life.
I thought I would die the night that Jess was killed. Hell, I thought I should die that night. You knew I had nightmares after Jess but what I couldn't tell you was that it wasn't just the grief that caused them. See, when we got back to Stanford that night, I had already decided that I was going to put law school on hold. I knew you were alone and you needed me and really, Dean, how could I ever turn my back on you? You took care of me my whole life. You never asked for a single thing in return. How could I say no the first time you needed me?
I just needed to go back, explain to Jess, hope she would understand why I had to leave. I was too ashamed to tell you that when I felt the first drops of her blood on my face I was lying on our bed thinking of just how I was going to break it to her. I figured once we found Dad I could come back and we could pick up where we left off. I even considered giving her the ring that night just to show her that I really did intend to come back…at some point. As she was dying I was trying to come up with a way to walk out on her that wouldn't make me look like a dick. So, yeah, I had nightmares. Sometimes they were full of the loss I felt knowing I'd never hold her again…sometimes they were full of the guilt I still carry today for not being there when she needed me.
Then we lost Dad. It's still hard to accept the fact that he is gone. Sometimes, when my cell goes off, I still expect to hear his voice on the other end of the line telling me that he's going to be late getting back…again. I won't lie to you, his death hurt, a lot more than I ever expected it to. But, I always knew that you felt his absence so much more deeply than I did. Damn it Dean, sometimes I really wish you would just talk to me. Did you think I couldn't see how much it was killing you? How you felt responsible, just like you always did for everything that ever went wrong? I swear, when you get back I'm not going to let that bullshit go on any longer. I think that after this you've done your part and you deserve to take a break from carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. Next time, you let me carry the load for awhile…
Losing Jess and Dad were both devastating but neither of them prepared me for what I had to do today. Today…I buried my best friend. I know it's not forever, I will find a way to get you back, but that didn't make it any easier. I know Bobby thinks I'm losing my mind. He was adamant that we should salt and burn your body. SOP after all. Wouldn't want something walking around in a Dean suit…been there, done that eh? But, I finally convinced him. When I get you out of there you are going to need a body to come back to and we both know that you wouldn't settle for anything less than the perfection that is Dean Winchester. After all, how would all your female fans know it was you when you got into town if you had to wear someone else's face?
Seriously though, I know you don't want me doing anything stupid. Yeah, you made that clear enough but…if you think for one second that I'm not going to do anything and everything in my power to bring you back from this…
Dean… how can you not know how much I need you?
I don't know how to do this alone; I don't want to know how.
When I put you in the ground today…I felt something break inside of me. You're the only one who can fix it. You have always been there to take care of me. I can't believe I used to resent that, you were always such a big brother, never letting me do anything for myself. God damn it Dean…I'd give anything to have you here trying to take care of me right now. I need you back here…with me.
Please don't be mad…I have to do this. It's my fault you got into this mess in the first place. I have everything I need to call her out. There has to be some way to make a better deal. Hopefully, by this time tomorrow…
For you and only you…