A DAY AT WAGNARIA:

~Through The Eyes Of A Customer~

You know, I've passed by this restaurant every other day and I haven't eaten at it, I thought, as I once again walked home from my part-time job. Hell, why not?

I walked inside and was immediately greeted by a geeky-looking guy in glasses. "Welcome. One person?"

"Yep, just me," I replied.

"Smoking or non-smoking?"

"Non-smoking, please."

He showed me to a table near a window (my favorite kind of seat) and handed me a menu. "Would you like something to drink?"

"Do you have root beer?"

"We do."

"Large root beer, please."

"Alright. When you've decided your meal, please hit the button and someone will tend to you."

I put my earphones on and turned my iPod on with some Suicide Silence playing. What to order? Everything looks so good…Wow, they even have some Western food here, too.

"Here's your drink, sir." I heard some squeaky female voice to my left.

I looked once, immediately followed by a double-take. Ladies and gents, the world's tiniest waitress was there with the world's biggest smile. "Aren't they breaking child labor laws or something?"

She took a bit of offense to that. "But I'm in high school! See? I even have student I.D. and everything!"

"Oh, gomenesai," I immediately apologized. "You just surprised me. I was expecting someone at least twice your size."

Her cheeks puffed up, hinting that what I said wasn't appreciated. "I'm not tiny," I heard her grumble under her breath as she (respectfully toward the customer, mind you) stormed off into the kitchen area.

I really didn't mean to make her mad, I said, returning to my menu. Hmm...maybe I'll be getting the cheeseburger with fries. The LED number above the door lit up as I hit the button.

Yes, what would you-" then it just cut off. I looked to my right to see a orange-haired girl with a red face and fists with what looks like aura or chakra or something aimed right at me.

"No, Inami-san!" glasses-boy said, trying to come to my rescue or something. Her fist and his nose met and he was sent half-way across the room. The pugilist then ran off into the back of the restaurant.

"Katanashi-kun! Daijobou desu ka?" child-waitress said, coming to his aid. "Inami-san has androphobia [an abnormal fear of men, for those who don't know]," she said, noticing my very surprised look.

"I-is this normal?" I stuttered out of fear.

"Sadly, yes," glasses-boy replied.

"Shouldn't you be in a coma right about now?"

"Katanashi-kun is tough like that!" child-waitress said. "Isn't this the third time, Katanashi-kun?"

The third time? What kind of nuthouse is this restaurant?

"I'll take care of the customer," a blonde waitress said. "Take Takanashi-kun in the break room and give him an ice pack." Turning to me, she said, "May I take your order?"

"Yes, I'd like a cheese-" then I noticed the katana she's proudly brandishing at her side. What is she, a samurai? Assassin? Am I going to be robbed of my money? "-burger and fries...p-p-p-please...?"

"Okay," she said, not noticing my sudden burst of fear and dread. "Would you like a refill on your drink?"

"J-j-just have m-m-mercy on me..." Now that I think of it, I don't think that my glass was what anyone would consider to be empty...

I need an aspirin! I think I'm having a coronary! The pint-sized waitress wasn't that bad, but the boxing chick and the samurai woman is a bit much! Can I survive dinner without being murdered?

About ten minutes later, the samurai brought my dinner. "If you need anything else, just let me know." She said with a wink. Or at least I thought it was a wink...or could it be the "wink of death?"

Relax... I tried to console myself. Eat your dinner and pay. This burger is pretty good...And these fries are to die for! I immediately flinched. Maybe saying anything associated with death is not prudent at such a place as this psychiatric ward.

A hankering for a sundae made me hit the "Russian roulette" button again. Child-waitress greeted me with what I believed to be a forced smile. "May I have a sundae?"

"Sure thing!" she cheerfully said, jotting down the details on a pad of paper.

A few moments later the blonde samurai came walking toward me with a chocolate sundae. Oh, sweet Haruhi, please don't let her bring it to me….Much to my relief she brought it to the table behind me, making me sigh in relief.

"Here you go, Kyouko-san," she said, handing it to some woman.

"Domo, Yachiyo," she said, digging into her dessert.

"Kyouko-san is so sugoi~~" the samurai cooed liking a doting puppy.

"You wanna make something of it?" the black-haired woman said.

Apparently I've been staring. I turned around to my own table and said under my breath, "Damnable old woman…"

ZOOM!

I stared with a terrified gaze at a small hole through the table. I looked at the seat cushion on the other side of the table, and there was a spoon embedded into it.

"That was so cool, Kyouko-san!" samurai woman said, and I think pink hearts were floating from her head. "Kyouko-san is sugoi~"

Kyouko-san is so sued! I thought with bullets of sweat pouring down my face.

"Here you go!" child-waitress said, bringing the thanked dessert. "Are you okay? Your face is pale."

"Thank Haruhi!" Which made her jump three inches. "Gomenesai…"

~xXx~

Must…go…home….I thought as I was making my way to pay my bill. I need a vacation from life….There was a young woman at the register. Please let her be normal!

"That will be 5,800 yen, please," she said.

A vein bulged on my forehead. "Why?" I asked.

"Kidding! It's *blahblahblah* amount," she said.

I'll think twice before going somewhere on a whim….This seems as crazy as an anime comedy! Well, there's an idea…I could tell my mangaka cousin about this….

Author's Note: This might have sucked a bit, but I tried to make it somewhat humorous. I may just make this into a series of oneshots….