Entry for the Darkella's Darkest Temptation contest
Summary: How far will you go for your temptation? Theft, violence, lies. Or maybe even murder.
Pairing: Bella and Edward
Work count: 5042
Disclaimer: SM owns all things Twilight.
Author's Note: Thanks to both of my betas, kryssybee and ManiacMotherland.
Title: Am I Evil?
My mother was a witch, she was burned alive.
Thankless little bitch, for the tears I cried.
Take her down now. Don't want to see her face.
All blistered and burnt, can't hide my disgrace.
Twenty-seven, everyone was nice.
Gotta see 'em, make 'em pay the price.
See their bodies out on the ice.
Take my time.
Am I evil? Yes, I am.
Am I evil? I am man. Yes, I am.
"Am I Evil?" by Metallica
Am I evil? Everybody asks me that, but fuck them all, who gives a shit? What I've wanted, I have stolen. What I've loved, I have protected. As you await the fate that someone else has chosen, they say that your whole life flashes before your eyes. And I have to say that those fuckers are just about right.
My first memory was when I was five, playing at the playground. Some little boy had a pretty bucket and shovel I wanted to play with. I had asked my mom to get the same one for me at the store a few days before then, but she had said no. So I took his little toy. I can still hear the kid's mom yelling at mine.
"She broke his arm!" the other woman screamed, and I probably did. My mom made me apologize to the boy and promise not to ever do it again, but we never went back to that park, just in case.
Sometime later that week, Mom took me to some man that wanted to know why I hurt the boy and stole from him. I didn't like the man very much. He made me feel weird when he smiled at me. I saw him for a really long time, nearly two years, during which time I colored a lot of pictures and played with dolls while he took notes. I was seven before they finally let me leave and not come back.
But I had to lie before I could leave. The man asked me if I were sorry that I'd hurt the little boy. I told him I was sad and promised that I would never hurt anyone ever again. I even cried for the man with the clipboard and actually let him touch me with his cold and creepy hands.
What a crock of shit that was. By then, all I had really learned was to just agree and hide my feelings, because when I didn't, I got in trouble. I learned to lie very well, learned that trick from my bitch of a mother. If there was something I wanted, wanted so badly I could taste it, I would hide my emotion and lay out a plan to get what I most desired. Over the years, I have gotten lots of things at the store this way. Sometimes my mom would find stuff in my room and ask me about where I had gotten it from. I would make up some story, like how I had found it out on the street. This worked for a while, until I was nine. Then my mom found a ring I had stolen from some friend of hers and my dad's. She made me take it back to the lady. I made myself cry so hard, telling her how I didn't know what I was doing and that I couldn't control myself when I saw something shiny that I liked. The stupid lady felt sorry for me and even tried to hug me. I let her hug me, sort of, at an angle. But I didn't hug her back.
After that, Mom decided that she couldn't live in our hometown of Forks, Washington anymore, because I was embarrassing her. What a bitch. After she divorced my father, she made me move away from him. I always hated her for that.
We moved to Phoenix, Arizona. I hated it there. I never made any friends in my new town. The kids at my school were always mean to me because I was an outsider. A few of them had really pissed me off. I let them have it. One girl, I don't even remember her name; I cornered her in the hall after school. Beat the crap out of her and stole her purse. She only had about twenty bucks in her wallet, turns out, but it was a cool purse. When my mom heard about it, she transferred me to a different school. But I learned from my mistakes. The next kid I beat up, I told him I would kill him if he ever said anything. Guess it worked, because he's still alive. I think.
We lived in Phoenix for nearly four years, and then I couldn't take it anymore. I had begged Mom to let me go back to Dad, but she told me that I was never going back there. I ruined her life, she would tell me late at night when she was drunk. Fucking bitch.
But I didn't have to put up with her shit too much longer. One day, we were arguing about me wanting to stay out past curfew. We were standing at the top of the narrow staircase in our house when I snapped and pushed her down the stairs. I listened to her scream as she fell backwards. I heard her bones break. When she landed at the bottom, she didn't move. I stepped over her, kicking her with the tip-end of my shoe, and since she didn't move, I walked calmly out the door.
When I came back home hours later, she was still lying there on the floor, so I figured I better call 911. When the cops showed up, I told them that I had been out, and that when I came home, I had found her like that. I cried as I acted like I were sorry, but I wasn't. It was ruled an accidental death, and at last, I was finally free.
I didn't cry at her funeral. She was a bitch and I hated her. Afterwards, I was sent back to Forks to live with my dad. I was happy about that. I tried really hard to behave because I loved my father, and I didn't want to make him upset.
But sometimes I had no control over my urges. I stole a car. I had driven halfway to Seattle before I was pulled over. Dad got me sentenced to community service, which was better than doing time. Sometimes it pays to have a father in law enforcement.
Unfortunately, he was disappointed with me. And so I learned once again—don't get caught.
And I didn't. For years, I did whatever the fuck I wanted and no one was the wiser. I stole I don't know how many things, from jewelry to credit cards and purses, sometimes just meaningless shit because I wanted it. I eventually lost track of how many cars I had stolen, just because there was someplace that I wanted to go. I drank and I smoked whatever was given to me, partying with what Forks society called low-class scum. Didn't bother me; I was having a good time. And as long as I didn't get caught, fuck off, for all that I cared.
So, yeah, I was just wasting time, having fun, and everything was fine until the day that he showed up. I was now eighteen and finally going to graduate that year. I was sitting in biology class one day, about a month after the start of the new school year, when Mr. Banner announced that we had a new student joining our school. I was busy doodling on my paper and wasn't really interested in the new student. I heard the name Edward Cullen and that was about it.
Great, a new boy for the fucking sluts at this school to drool over. Like I fucking care.
Then I heard the chair next to me move. No one ever sat next to me. I scared the shit out of most of them, probably all of them, which was just fine by me. I didn't need to be friends with the fucking shitheads anyway.
I heard a velvety voice say "hi". I stopped what I was doing. Wasn't much of a greeting, but he wasn't exactly ignoring me either. The kid had a nice voice and he was talking to me. Guess he did not know yet that no one talked to me, but he was about to find out.
But I found out a thing or two myself instead, as I turned and looked up into the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen. They took my breath away and suddenly the insult I had perched at the tip of tongue evaporated.
What the fuck? I shook my head, bewildered.
"Hello, I'm Edward Cullen," he said with a smile that sent tingles up and down my body. Huh, what was that? I wondered. Perhaps I was confused. Maybe it was my imagination. Didn't know what to say back so I just quipped "hey" in response and went back to my doodling.
When the bell rang to let class out, I got a good look at him when he smiled and said goodbye. He had a beautifully chiseled face with plump lips that begged to be kissed, and this mop of short messy dark reddish hair that made me want to run my fingers through it.
What the hell did I just say? Did I actually say "See you around, Edward?" Those lips, that hair. No, no, no. I have only ever wanted things, not people. And never this badly. It's too much, need to keep in control, I yelled at myself in my mind.
Put him out of your head. You can never have him, Bella.
After that day, I ignored him at school, no matter how much he wanted to talk to me in class. Why did he not listen to all the other sheep when they told him not to socialize with the freak? I saw him around town a few times, and he would always wave to me. I was in control and I ignored him. This worked for a few months, until the dreams started.
At first, he was just there waving at me, and then the dreams got vocal. I would recall when I woke up, how my breathing was ragged and my pj's were drenched with sweat. I woke up one morning, extremely excited because I'd dreamt that I was having sex with Edward. I ended up touching myself and it was the most intense orgasm I had ever had. Yeah, I've had sex before, but nothing like this. Just picturing Edward in my head as I fingered myself made it feel so much better than any kind of backseat screw I'd ever had.
When I saw him at school that day, I knew my resolve was slowly beginning to melt. I had to be strong. When he said hello to me in class, I tried not to look at him, but I couldn't help myself. He had that same smile that took my breath away. I stared at him for I don't know how long. He finally asked me if I were okay, snapping me out of my trance.
No, no, no, you stupid girl. Keep strong. He will only bring you pain.
And so I just shook my head and tried harder to ignore him.
However, my newest promise of resolve only lasted for another week, when I overheard the skanky slut Jessica talking about wanting to fuck Edward. In class, she came over to him. Asking him out for that weekend, all the while running her slimy claws up and down his arm. I could feel the panic and rage flowing through my body. I needed to keep it under control. Did he just say he would think about it? Oh hell no! I just snapped.
That bitch will never put her hands on you again, Edward. You are mine!
After school, I followed Jessica through the halls, to her locker and then into the girls' bathroom. She never saw me coming. As soon as she came out of the stall, I grabbed her from behind and threw her down hard, towards the tile of the floor. As she was falling, her head hit the corner of the metal sink which split her forehead wide open to the bone. As she lay there on the floor, I watched the blood pouring out of her skin. Her eyes fluttered a bit, and then she saw me. Panic filled her eyes. I leaned over her body as I spat in her face.
"You will never look, talk or touch Edward Cullen again, or I will kill you. Do you hear me, you skanky-ass bitch?"
I walked out of the bathroom; no one ever saw me. Or so I thought. Three days later, Jessica died in the hospital, never telling a soul what had happened.
Everyone at school was upset about Jessica, moaning about what a terrible accident she had suffered. Everyone that is, but me. Not that any one cared what I thought. No one that is, except Edward. He tried to talk to me about it. He had said he really didn't know Jessica that well but she seemed nice. I laughed. It took him by surprise to hear me laugh, because I had never said anything more than "hey" to him. He said I had a beautiful laugh. My hair had fallen over one side of my face and he reached over and pushed it back behind my ear. When I felt his fingers brush across my face, I was done for. I was his. I reached out and put my hand on his face and cupped his cheek. When he leaned into my hand, I knew he was mine. My thoughts were twisted around my fear, and I had a moment of doubt about what I had just started.
Oh no, what have I done?
We went to the movies that weekend, then to dinner. We talked mostly about him and where he was from. He used to live in Chicago, but his parents wanted him to move to a small town because he was getting into trouble in the big city. Apparently, Edward wasn't the goody-two-shoes he portrayed every day at school. I wondered to myself if that were the reason I had been drawn to him. What do they say, two peas in a pod?
He had told me that he loved me by the time the movie started, that from the moment he had seen me in class, that I was it for him. It had bothered him that I wouldn't talk to him, but he had vowed to himself that he would wait me out. He laughed out loud in the theater, because he said he was glad that he didn't have to wait that long.
When I told him that I had been trying to avoid him, he said he'd known it all along, that he could sense I was conflicted. Maybe because we were so similar. Then he told me about some of the things he had done while he lived in Chicago. Such a bad boy, Edward. The thought occurred to me then that he needed a spanking and I told him so. We laughed. He reached over the table and pulled me in for a kiss. I have never been kissed like that before; I felt it down to my toes. I knew in that instant that I had fallen in love with Edward. I was completely his and I would do whatever it took to keep him.
I confessed some of my sins to Edward that night, and he didn't bat an eye. He understood about temptation and the need to consume that drove me to commit my crimes.
When I got home that night, my father was still up and wanted to talk. He'd noticed that I'd seemed happy that day, something that was not normal for me. I told him about Edward. With an upset look on his face, he told me that he didn't want me hanging around Edward. When I asked him why, he muttered, "Because that boy's trouble" but I just laughed in my father's face.
"I love him, Dad", I responded. "I will not stay away from him."
My father didn't agree, but he didn't resist either. That was the first time we had ever fought and he must have realized that fighting with me was pointless. I still loved my dad, but no one was going to take Edward from me. Ever.
The first time Edward and I made love will always be my favorite memory. It was after school one day. He took me to this spot in the woods. There was this beautiful meadow filled with purple, yellow, and orange flowers, surrounded by green brush and trees. You could hear a waterfall in the background. Edward told me that he had found this spot a few weeks after he had moved to Forks.
He had brought a blanket and laid it out for us. Slowly, he started to take my clothes off. First my shirt and bra, stopping to caress and kiss my chest. Then he took my jeans and panties off. I stood there in front of him naked watching him look at me. "Beautiful" kept spilling from his lips. He pulled me into his arms. Gently rubbing from my hands up to my shoulders, he lightly gripped my neck with his fingers. He tilted my head back so he could look into my eyes.
"I love you, Bella. Always and forever, you are mine".
Then he kissed me, with a soft pressing touch on my lips. I melted under his touch. When he brushed his tongue across my lips, I opened them to accept him. We tasted slowly, enjoying each other. I could have kissed him 24/7, the rest of my life. I ran my hands under his shirt, pulling it up over his head and tossing it to the ground. The feel of his naked skin under my hands was amazing; I would never get tired of touching him.
After ridding himself of the rest of his clothes, he pulled us down onto the blanket. Up until this point, we had fooled around, touching and the oral thing but never making love. I was nervous because I had never been with anyone I loved before, but I loved Edward and wanted this. He began to kiss me again, still so soft and sweet. What did I do to deserve such a man, I wondered? Trailing his lips down my neck and up to my ear, he whispered his love again. While his lips and hands roamed over my body, I did the same to his. When he entered me, there were no words to explain the feeling. We made love for what seemed like hours.
We lay in each other's arms afterwards, no words were spoken. Edward finally broke the silence.
"Do you know how much I love you, Bella?" he said. "So much that I'd kill for you. You are my life now."
I turned to him and said that I'd already killed for him. He surprised me when he said he knew about Jessica. After that day, nothing else was spoken about it between us.
As the sun set, covering the meadow in darkness, I cuddled up against him and whispered against his chest. "I love you, Edward. Always and forever, I am yours and you are mine."
The next few months we spent going to school and fucking whenever we had the free time. Yeah, once we finally had sex, there was no stopping us. We fucked anywhere and everywhere. In my room, in his room, and even in the supply room at the sporting goods store. In the parking lot of the school. Once his mom even walked in on us. That's when the trouble started.
First thing, right off the bat, his parents wanted us to stay away from each other, and then they got my dad involved. Once both our parental units lowered the boom, we had to sneak around to see each other, but it didn't stop us. What can I say, I was addicted to Edward. I ended up in jail one night because I stole a car to meet Edward—his car privileges had been taken away. They called it a carjacking just because the stupid bitch said I hit her. She should have just given me the keys then I wouldn't have fucked her up.
Then the shit started at school. All the kids whispered as we walked down the hall, talking trash about me. Edward would tell me to ignore them, and for the most part, I usually did. It was a well-known fact that I was probably going to serve some jail time because of the carjacking incident. One day, some slut came up to me and announced that she would be more than happy to "take care of Edward's needs" while I was in jail. In fact, she would take care of him so good that he would forget all about me, the girl had said, and I had just snapped.
That night, after her cheerleading practice, I was waiting for the bitch in her car, in the backseat. I had jimmied the door, which is not hard to do, with some practice. Before she even knew I was there, I reached around and grabbed her neck, squeezing until I felt something pop. I then drove her car out to the cliffs, dragging her body down to the edge and pushing her over. I yelled out as I watched her hit the water, "You will never touch Edward. He is mine, always and forever."
I went back to her car and cleaned it up. I thought I had done a good job. Later, I told Edward what I had done. He was mad at me because I could have been caught. I told him the bitch was trying to come between us, but he still said I shouldn't have done it. What the fuck? I slapped him. How he could act like that, I didn't understand.
"I thought you said you loved me, Edward, that you would kill for me?" I asked.
"I do love you, baby, but you still shouldn't have killed her. She was nothing to us. Nothing," he said. "And what if the police find out and they take you away? Where would I be then? Have you thought about that, Bella?"
"Oh, Edward. I'm sorry I hit you," I responded and then we melted into a kiss.
A few weeks later, they found her body, but they already had her car. When my dad came home early one day, he told me they had found my fingerprint on the car door. Fuck! I ran out of the house. I could hear my dad yelling for me to come back. I just ran. I ran until I reached Edward's house. I climbed up the outside stairs to his house and found him reading in his room. When he saw me out of breath and panicking, he knew something was really wrong.
"They know I did it," I blurted out.
"It will be okay, baby," he said. "We will leave. Go somewhere they'll never find us."
"But how? And where?" I asked. "We don't have any money, and we will have to steal another car. They will at some point catch up with us."
"I will take care of you, Bella," he responded. "Remember that, always and forever."
Edward's parents weren't home yet, so we searched the house for anything we might need. He found his car keys and a few thousand dollars. He packed a bag really quick and left. I needed to go back to my house to get my stuff. We waited until my dad left. Quickly, I ran up to my room to get some things, and Edward followed me. We were halfway back down the stairs when my dad came back. Unfortunately, he had others with him.
Edward was in front of me, trying to get them to let us go and to put their guns down. With all the noise and commotion, all I could hear was Edward telling me to go back to my room.
"No, I won't leave you!" I yelled. They can't hurt him, I thought, he hasn't done anything wrong.
"Run, baby. Try to get away!" he yelled back at me. "Run and I will find you!"
This was the turning point of the rest of my life, when it all became the present and it hurt to even breathe. As I turn to sprint up the stairs, I hear the shot.
"No!" I scream, as I see Edward clutching his chest and falling down the stairs. I look up and see my dad yelling at the other cop who has a gun in his hand.
I see red. I jump down the stairs towards Edward. He says he loves me, that he is always and forever mine. Then his eyes shut and he doesn't move. I scream and beat his chest. My dad comes over to pick me up. He tells me it was an accident.
"Fuck that!" I spit and reach for the gun that is hanging from his hip.
So quickly, before he knows what going on, I have the gun in my hand. I turn back to the cop that has just killed my love and I pull the trigger, once, then again and again. Both cops are hit and go down fast, but I don't give a shit.
"You killed my Edward!" I yell. "Die, you motherfucker, die!"
I keep pulling the trigger until it stops. I see both men fall in a bloody heap. I don't care. I turn back to Edward. I pull his head up onto my lap. I kiss his face and lips.
"I love you, baby. Come back to me. Come back to me, Edward."
But my reason for living is gone.
I vaguely remember the trial. They say I have no remorse for killing the cops. Fucking right. Those bastards killed my Edward. I am also charged with killing that bitch, what's her name… Lauren. I don't care. All I want is my Edward. They wouldn't even let me go to his funeral. Fuckers. If I had a gun they would all be dead right now.
A man in a black robe comes into see me. He has a cross around his neck. He says I need to ask for forgiveness for all my sins. I tell him to fuck off and die. He calls me evil. I tell him I don't care. All I want is my Edward back. I knew he would finish me off, would be the death of me, but I didn't care. My temptation for him was too strong.
I love you baby, always and forever. I say over and over in my mind as I await my fate.
As I hear the hissing sound, I think back to the questions they always ask me.
Am I evil? I think about it, but I don't have much time. I see that it's getting cloudy in here. Am I evil, I ask myself? If I'm evil, have I always been? But am I truly evil? I ask myself again.
I scream out, "Yes, I fucking am evil" and laugh until the last breath leaves my body. When I am dead, they take my body and burn it. Some might say I was evil. Some might say I was a witch. But I was only just a girl who fell in love with Edward Cullen. And who could possibly not understand that?