Hey everyone. Back from my three week vacation! Anyways, I have lots of other oneshots waiting to be released for your viewing pleasure, but I just had to post this one first-as depressing as it is. I just had to get what's been upsetting me out (failed my road test-twice, after so much practice for stupid mistakes I shouldn't have made and normally don't make), so I put it as the turmoil Derek's going through after almost losing the same patient TWICE by making mistakes during surgery and having someone else save him.
Man, I'm still upset. Sorry. Long A/N, that you don't have to read. But you probably already did since I'm putting this warning at the very end-sorry!
Trauma Center (c) Atlus
12. run away
It was one little mistake that he wished he could take back. He slammed on the brakes as he pulled up to the curb of a deserted, small café. The light was still on and through his windshield, he could see a woman attending to the counter. Making the executive decision, he got out of his car and pushed open the door. The woman, who was preoccupied with a book, shot her head back up at him, giving him an embarrassed smile.
"I'm sorry. How may I help you?" she asked.
He peered through his smudged glasses—depression inhibited his ability to clean his lenses—and finally said, "Black coffee."
The woman nodded, her brown hair waving behind her as she turned to make the coffee. He took a seat closest to the counter and sat silently until the woman finally called him back up for his coffee. He handed her a ten. "Keep the change."
"This is twenty dollars, sir. The coffee only costs $3.10." she stated as if he was unaware. He shook his head and sat back down. "Are you alright?"
He looked up at her. "Why do you ask that?" He took a sip of his coffee; it burned down his throat, a painful reminder he was still alive.
"No one hands a person fifteen dollars in this economy," she said plainly. It took a little bit of effort to prevent himself from chuckling; this woman was a lot like the person waiting for him—knowing her, she wouldn't just wait quietly and was probably out looking for him. "So are you? I have time. My shift ends in an hour."
"I practiced it over and over, and yet when it came down to it, I messed up. I'm so stupid." he choked out.
The woman looked at him and then at the only car in front of the building, a gorgeous white Volvo. The man was probably a broken-up surgeon that failed a surgery and was looking for somewhere to hideout. "Did your patient… die?" she finally asked.
The man's bespectacled eyes looked up at her. His lips were tight as he shook his head. "No. He didn't. Dr. Hoffman stepped in and saved him, but he's still in critical condition. Everyone thought I could do it. I made one big mistake in the very beginning that ended up costing me the entire surgery, even if I did everything else right."
"He's okay though! You can always—" However, she was interrupted when a blonde woman, maybe a few years younger than she, pushed open the door with manic distress.
The man stood up. "Angie."
"You can do it again, Derek. No matter how many times, we can save him. We know you can do it." the blonde told him, taking the words right out of the barista's mouth. Sensing her cue to leave, the barista, a twenty-five-year-old graduate student named, Abby, retreated to the storage room.
Derek shook his head and collapsed onto his seat, staring into the black depths of his coffee. "I can do it! And you know!" he suddenly shouted, turning his eyes to her, distress swimming in chocolate brown.
Angie was confused.
"I can do it. Anywhere but when I need to do it most. And you know I can do it too, which makes it worse every time I fail. Twice. I've done the surgery twice, made two different mistakes that ended up almost costing me that man's life, and I've let everybody down. They see me practice the surgery and do it flawlessly. You've seen me do it every time."
"That's why I know you can—!"
"But I can't! Don't you see? I'm unable to. It's my nerves and my brain just gets meddled up. I don't know what to do." Derek slumped his head, recalling the absolute defeat as he exited the O.R., hands shaking, throat tight.
Suddenly, in Derek's sulking, his arm was jerked up, pulling his entire body with him. Angie was hugging him loosely, close enough to be held, but far enough to look into his eyes. "Don't stop." Piercing emerald eyes bore into him. "Keep walking and trying, because standing there does nothing. We're right behind you, Derek, and we'll fix the patient together."
There was silence that weighed down on the atmosphere like a ton of rocks.
"Fine." he finally spoke. "I'll do it again."
Angie smiled brightly at him, hoping to give him the courage he needed. "Third time's the charm."
It's not failing that's my problem. I know there are many times for me to fail and that I'm not perfect.
It's when I disappoint you and everyone else that believed I could succeed which makes me upset and lose confidence.
It's hard to let someone down and it just flat out sucks to fail when you can do something perfectly-but mess up when it matters most. End rant. Please review!